When it rains.

Still planning on posting more about yesterday, but something else has taken over my brain and is taking precedence today.

B-dog is definitely sick again.

She's not acting sick (yet). But her lymph nodes are markedly swollen. I am so, so, so sad. And the timing just sucks. I'm so close to being out of school and being able to maximize time with her. We're going away in less than three weeks for a week and leaving her with a sitter. And, of course, the IVF stuff.

I woke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and it's like an obsession- I can't help checking her neck. There has been an obvious change over the last week, and especially over the last day or two.

I called the vet office where she had her treatments and left a message for the vet there. We have an appointment next week, but I really want to bring her in tomorrow, whether we have an official appointment, we go as a "drop in" (it's an emergency center, so they have that option) or I drop her off in the morning and pick her up later like I did when she had her treatments. I know the doctor has been concerned about her coming out of remission, to the point where she contacted me, so I think she'll probably work it out that she can see her. (update- they called and I'm going to drop her off in the morning before school.)

I don't think III will be comfortable doing a second round of chemo treatments, and honestly I'm not sure how I feel about it either. Definitely mixed. But if there is a treatment we can do that will maintain where she's at for a little while- a month, two months... maybe through the summer- that would be ideal. (Well, ideal would be if I could maker her healthy for as long as I live... but that is clearly unrealistic.) I know that some dogs are treated with pred.nisone (she was on that in the beginning with the chemo treatments). My coworker's dog was treated with only pred.nisone and for him it kept him fairly healthy for over six months.

I continue to be broken hearted that this is happening. I love her so much and I can't imagine what it will be like when she's gone. I've taken so many photos of her, and lately a number of videos too. But I'll miss how soft she is just behind her ears. I'll miss how she rolls over for a belly rub when III walks in the room. I'll miss how she comes wiggle-butt running up to me when I get home for loves. I'll miss how she climbs up just to sniff my face just to be sure of me. I'll miss the little growls she makes when she's playing with a toy, especially when we're petting M-dog and she's trying to convince us how much fun she's having without us. I'll miss seeing her tearing around the backyard and trying to get M to play with her. I'll miss the feeling of her when she lays next to me and rests her face on my knee, or curls up as close as she can to me on the couch and falls asleep with her head on my shoulder. Those are the things you can't capture in a photograph. Those are the things you can't film. You can't bottle those memories.

It's hard to be going through this again, but at least this time I'm prepared. When she was so sick back in January, I thought we were going to have to put her to sleep and I felt like "I didn't know this was the last time I had with her!" She was so sick and confused, too, that she was afraid of me- I was the person making her take these pills and do things that made her hurt. I was devastated that she was going to die afraid of me, and convinced that she didn't know how much I love her.

If nothing else, these six "bonus" months have given me time to ensure that she knows my love. Though she is "just a dog", I can tell that she knows that I love her best. When we do have to have her put to sleep, I know she will go loving me and feeling my full love in return.