Gossip has outed me...

So, one of the benefits of not being at school is that I can keep this pregnancy under wraps a bit. I have told 2 friends from school- one who had been through tons of infertility stuff, and another who's sister has been through it and who has recently had some trouble herself.

Today, I got an email from another coworker congratulating me. She said she heard it from this totally random coworker in the copy room. WTF???? My friend T (the first mentioned above) is very close with a former secretary at our school, who is a HUGE gossiper. T told me the last time I saw her that this woman wanted her to let me know that she's "always praying" for me. I'm guessing T told her, and then she has let the news leak. Either that our someone overheard my second friend talking about it, though I don't know to whom she would have been talking.

Fuck. I mean, we were going to start telling people soon anyway, but we haven't even told our families!!!! *sigh* I'm annoyed. I'll have to talk to III today about revealing to our families. They live far away, but with fb now everyone is close by. I'd hate to have them find out by accident from someone else. *sigh*

I just wasn't ready yet. I'm not even feeling like this is real, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to have to give my parents bad news if this doesn't work out. I feel like having other people know makes me even more anxious- I don't know why. I know it doesn't have any bearing on whether or not this baby stays with us. But I feel like now that the world knows, somehow things are more dangerous.

I'm irritated with myself I guess too. I haven't been "careful" enough. It's not that hard to find this blog. I also have posted a handful of posts on a pregnancy board- mostly because I've been so anxious and wanted reassurance. One is a board for people who are pregnant after having losses. I used my standard handle, and an acquaintance from college contacted me because she saw my posts there- she's 11w after having had 2 m/c. I told myself that the only people who would be reading the board would be others in my place (which is what I've told myself about this blog), but clearly if I didn't want others to know I should have kept my mouth (or I guess my keyboard) shut.

Annoyed. I guess that's what I get for being too much of a 'sharer'. :(

Happy f-ing birthday.

(First of all, can we please discuss how I typed half of this post out and then my computer froze and I lost it all. Fuck. Second of all, I'm in a mood, so expect at least a moderate amount of swearing in this post...)

My transfer was in the morning. Of 12 embryos we had, 6 were normal! Awesome. The doctor who did my transfer was one I had never heard of- doing his turn on the weekend shift I guess. We didn't like him. This conversation sealed that impression:

Dr: So we're transferring... three...?
Us: Yes.
Dr: *pause* So you're not worried about triplets?
Me: Well, considering this is our fourth IVF cycle, Dr. Z agreed that transferring three was not unreasonable.
Dr: Okay then.
III: (After Dr. has walked away) Clearly, you have children.

Triplets would not be ideal. We are well aware of the risks of multiples. But considering our history, we are at the point where we will do what we have to in order to end up with a baby.

Transfer went well, yada yada. I walked away PUPO, though I'm trying not to think about that. One step at a time and all that shit. We will be away on the 27th, which is the day they want me to do my beta. The OR nurse said if I call my nurse on Tuesday (she's out Mondays) she should be able to help me arrange a blood test in the state where we will be.

As it was my 35th bday, KB felt we needed to do something special to celebrate. So she and I planned a night out at a chic new bowling alley/restaurant/bar near my house.

A college friend and her husband joined us. III and her husband get along very well, so in addition to being really happy to spend time with her, I like that III enjoys his time with her husband. They started trying to have a baby around the time of my first miscarriage. She had commented to me the last time we saw them (early summer) how it was frustrated to be trying to do something and failing at it.

We all sat down to dinner, and Friend, who is an avid wine drinker and enjoys a beer every now and again, was drinking water.

While we were in the bathroom, KB asked me "Is Friend pregnant?" I told her I didn't know, but probably- that I knew they had been trying and the water was a pretty obvious sign.

We moved on to bowling, and throughout the whole first game I found myself "checking out" Friend. Are her boobs bigger? Her belly? Is she wearing pregnancy jeans? (It seemed like no to me for all of them....)

I didn't have to wait all that long for an answer. Between the first and second games, Friend and her husband approached me, arms around each other, faces excited. "Can we tell you our news?" As if I didn't know. "We're having a baby! Finally!"

Finally.

She's due in May. KB told me while Friend was taking her turn with the pins "I asked you in the bathroom because I thought maybe she had told you ahead of time." I told her "I wish she had."

As I told III on our way home, it's not that I'm mad at Friend or think that she "should" have done it differently. She knows what we've been going through and she knows about at least the first miscarriage. But I also recognize that the newly expecting (especially in the second trimester where they have been assured that everything is progressing as it should) are starry eyed and in a bubble. They are excited to share their news with those whom they love, and a can only imagine that those people will be as thrilled as they are.

But... shit. That was it for me. I think I did a good job of faking my fun and enthusiasm through the second game of bowling. But I was counting the frames as they slowly crawled by. Friend unintentionally dragging it out, as she would wait to take her turn until her preferred ball was available.

Happy 35th birthday. Fuck.

Possibly the worst part...

There are a lot of really shitty parts about dealing with infertility...

But this one, to me, is one of the worst.

I am finding it hard to be happy for pregnant people. Not just that, but there is some serious bitch going on inside of my head.

My sister is eight and a half weeks pregnant. I was IMing with her yesterday. She had told me weeks ago on the day she got her positive HPT. It is only here that I will make the horrible admission that I was just the teensiest bit disappointed to hear that her 8w u/s went well. Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard???? Not that I was hoping for her to miscarry... NOT AT ALL. But to hear how everything is going perfectly makes me want to punch a whole in the wall while screaming "WHY EVERYONE BUT ME?????" She got her IUD out on 8/18 and She had said to me "I might have trouble- I know a lot of people who have trouble the second time around." Yeah, whatever. She got her period 9/4 and then got pregnant right away.

I'm also bitchy about the fact that she claims she had symptoms beginning at 3.5 weeks. Okay, if you say so. I told her the embryo had likely not even implanted yet, and she said "I know, but it causes all sorts of hormone stuff before you can even test." Oh, okay, expert.* Actually, no. That's why you can't test. The progesterone that is causing your boobs to feel sore would be there anyway.

Then she says "Is there a reason your asking?" I thought she was calling me on my patronizing big-sister shit, but she was actually thinking I was asking her for symptom advice because I was possibly pregnant. :( No, but thanks for the positive thoughts since I clearly can't do it myself. *sigh* I told her I was fully aware of what early pregnancy symptoms felt like since I'd done it twice.

I told her a bit about our insurance stuff and how costly our cycle would be without it. Then she asked if we had considered "other alternatives". I said "Insurance doesn't pay for adoption either." Then she asked about donor sperm. I wanted to ask her how her husband would feel about using someone else's sperm to make 'his' baby.** Instead, I told her that my doctor doesn't think we need to.

I hate that I hate that my sister can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I hate that she's kind of smug about it. I hate that she feels sorry for me. I hate that my sense is to be defensive when she actually is trying to be nice. I hate that I know this is hard for her because she really wants me to get pregnant too and feels bad that we aren't.

Hate, hate, hate, hate. Fuck you, infertility.

*Clearly, I am not an "expert" either. And I might be full of shit. But I do feel like I have more insight into the whole process than average super-fertile women like my lucky as shit sister.
**No offense to anyone who has gone this route. We're lucky that we've been told we shouldn't need to. I say it this way because I know it is one of the huge parts of making that decision for many men, including III if we did have to.

My li.bido is missing in action.

I feel bad for III.

Last night he wanted to. I didn't. He was nice about it... but said he feels like he's getting a bit of a complex because I'm so rarely "in the mood".

I used to have a pretty healthy s.ex drive. Lately.... I could take it or leave it. When III wants to, if he initiates I usually can get going fine. But if he doesn't initiate... I'm happy to curl up and go to sleep.

Last night as we talked I told him that I just feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I hate to think what I'd be like right now if I wasn't taking my prozac...

This week seems to be especially difficult. I'm just blue. I'm hoping it's pms. If it is I feel like it's come early. But if it is, that means I'll feel better in a few days.

I hope.

Anyway.

Bothered.

I'm feeling very bothered this week that we don't have a baby.

Bothered seems to be the best word for it right now.

I don't know why now any more than usual.

Maybe it's because my sister told me she's pregnant with her second. After trying for one month. And she told us and my parents and her in laws when she was a whopping 4 weeks. It bothers me that she gets to be so naive about it.

Maybe it's because, now that she has two, KB is finding it harder to be social. She really wants to see me, but it has to be around nap times and pre-school and sleepless nights with an infant. I don't resent it, but I do feel guilty because I don't always feel like driving to her or scheduling around her kids. (As much as I love them. We went for ice cream the other day, and Miss M climbed into my lap and my heart almost burst with love. Maybe that's part of it too.)

Maybe it's my internal struggle around T's loss of her husband. It's terrible and I hurt so much for her, because I can't imagine losing III. But there is also a voice in my head that says "At least they got to be parents together." And that makes me feel guilty.

Maybe it's that our anniversary is on Thursday. Four years married, three years trying and over two years of ART. Still no baby. Last year around this time I posted "Here's hoping that by our next anniversary, we will be looking forward to an impending birth- or possibly even celebrating a recent one." But we're not. Here we are, in the same place we were then.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the voice echoing in my head: "It's not fair."

What isn't said

I wonder what people would think if I answered their polite inquiries honestly.

How are you?
Fine.

Actually, I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm feeling tired and blue and don't really want to talk to anyone.

How's it going?
Good.

Except for my empty uterus because I am, still and once again, not pregnant. I don't have a baby. I don't know if and when I will.

How's your day?
Okay.

Except that I am feeling absolutely unmotivated to do anything. I'm tired of taking care of other peoples' kids and don't really feel all that invested in whether or not I grade their quizzes.

What's up?
Nothing.

Except for the twin pregnancy I just had evacuated from my uterus. And the incredible growing fibroid that killed my embryos. Oh, and my dying father in law who is waiting for a new heart.

Not that I would say any of that. It's not their fault. They're just trying to be nice.

It's interesting the difference between my first miscarriage and this one. It's like, when the first one happens everyone has a story about how they or someone they know experienced miscarriage. But then when it happens again.... Their pity is evident. Their discomfort is palpable.

One of my classroom aides stopped by today. She told me it was good to see me and that she was sorry. I thanked her and told her we just were feeling pretty tired after everything. Then... there was a silence. I could tell she wanted to say something else but literally didn't know what to say. So I told her: "It's okay. There's not really anything to say." She got kind of teary and said "No, I guess there's not." She said she'd pray for us.

I thought it would be good to get back into my routine and come back. But it's not. Nothing bad happened today. The kids have been sweet- they were really worried when I missed several days in a row. But I'm just unhappy. I don't want to be here. I don't want to do any of the work sitting on my desk. I want to be home with III (who is also at work, so it's not like I could be), cocooned in our little house with our dogs and just our life.

But even then, it all permeates. I'm still bleeding, a constant reminder of what we lost on Friday. III's mom calls with updates about transplant potentials, and III hangs up the phone feeling helpless and sad. Even the dogs, who I love unconditionally, feel like a burden right now. Peanut's energy is boundless and M-dog has been a picky eater. They limit our options when trying to go away- whether it be vacation or to support family.

When I try to identify exactly how I feel, it just feels like a cliche. A hole in my heart. An emptiness in my chest. A all-encompassing ache.

We just need a vacation from our life.

Can I just be super cranky for a minute?

• I am not feeling optimistic about the outcome of Thursday's u/s. I have been feeling less sick (except for this morning when brushing my teeth almost made me puke in the sink) and any symptoms I am having (hello? Painful boobs?) I am blaming on progesterone.
• Speaking of progesterone. Ick. Uch. I hate you.
• We just got back from a school break 2 weeks ago. Usually the end of the year flies after that break. This year? Not so much. DRAGGING. I can't believe it's only Tuesday.
• My student teacher is done, which I'm actually glad about. But she's not done grading some stuff so I'm still waiting to get it from her. Hard to do progress reports when the gradebook is empty.
• My butt still hurts.
• III's dad is not doing well. They finally got him on the transplant list, but he's a level 2 which means he's low on the list. In spite of that, he is feeling shitty and is basically housebound.
• My cousin is getting married. This should be YAY!, right? FIRST of all... I hate how people who complained about how brides acted when they were in weddings then become those brides. I'm supposed to be in her wedding, and the whole dress thing is already kind of a pain. She originally was going to just pick something that we could all easily get because we're living in different areas, but now she's picked one I have to travel to have fit and buy. I also don't know if I'll be pregnant for her wedding, and she told me they looked at dresses for "all shapes and all conditions". The dress she picked? It does have lovely waist detailing that will make a girl look very hourglassy... but not going to fit a pregnant lady. But hey. The way things are going, I probably won't have to worry about that.
• Also on the wedding thing... I'm kind of jealous. Which is ironic, because I hated planning my own wedding. I was stressed and I cried and I just wanted it to be over. But looking in from the outside- engagement and wedding planning is supposed to be such a romantic and exciting time... There is so much anticipation and hope for the future. So I'm jealous. Lately, I'd love to be back in that naive, romantic, exciting time.
  
• Is it Friday yet???
  

Crampy and cranky.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Embarrassingly, I think part of it has to do with the fact that my cousin got engaged last night. While I'm super excited for her (it's about damn time!), things here have been so cranky and unpleasant that I think I'm a little jealous. Engagement is such a fun, exciting, happy time. We need some fun, exciting, happy times around here... For most couples, the fact that I'm almost 6w pregnant would help with that, but neither of us can allow ourselves to get excited. And to be honest, I'm not sure at what point we'll be able to.

Right now I'm definitely more nervous than excited. I'm having some cramping which is freaking me out a little. It's not the same kind of cramping I've had in the past- it's more to the sides. It's kind of hard to explain. It started out a few nights ago- sometimes when I'd roll over at night I'd get a pain on one side of my lower abdomen. It was almost muscular... but not quite. Yesterday I was having a lot of twinges on the right side, so then I started getting nervous about ectopic. But it's definitely on both sides.

The thing is, it could have nothing to do with pregnancy. It could easily be my bowels or gassiness- these are things I regularly have issues with. Or it could be totally normal pregnancy stuff. I tried to google, and I found both normal and abnormal reasons. So that just freaked me out.

I know I could call my doctor too, but I'm going to wait and see how I feel today. I'm not having any sort of bleeding, and it's not unbearable... plus, I'm prone to freaking out, so... we'll wait and see for now.

ETA: ok, more googling actually suggests I might be having some ligament pain. While it's more common in 2nd trimester, it can occur earlier. I also realized (TMI alert) I don't think I pooped all day yesterday, so it might also be some of that... thank you, progesterone... ;)

I'm going to see how today goes and then call tomorrow if I'm still worrying. :)

This is getting tough...

KB emailed me yesterday. With her ongoing kidney issues, for which the treatment has to wait until after she's had the baby, she was hoping her doctors would induce her early. (She's 34 weeks right now.) Apparently, the doc who is dealing with those issues for her said yesterday that he didn't remember saying that was something he agreed with. She thinks it is. I don't know what happened- if he did say something and forgot, if he said something that she interpreted, if she said something to him and he misinterpreted it... whatever it is, she's upset. She sent me an email yesterday about it and said "I can't do this for another six weeks."

I know this isn't fun for her. KB doesn't deal with discomfort very well. I know she's uncomfortable and can't sleep. And that there's even pain sometimes. But... I can't help it. All I can think is YOU GET TO HAVE A BABY. There were four months in her whole life that she tried to get pregnant, and for three of them SHE DID. Her first pregnancy was super easy. I understand that this one hasn't been... and I understand that I am her best friend and we are the ones who support each other. But... I don't know. I think I've done a pretty good job up to now. But seeing her 7.5 months pregnant and knowing that they will most likely be able to resolve the rest of the stuff in 6 weeks- at which time she'll also have her baby boy. I'm having a really hard time being as sympathetic as I should be to my best friend. I may have something different to say if I ever get pregnant, but right now... I'll trade places with her. I'll take the kidney pain and the sleepless nights and the eventual hours of labor in exchange for feeling my baby kick me from the inside, seeing him grow via ultrasound, and then having him in my arms and watching him grow into a boy and then a man. Of course, then she gets to have my daily injections, my bloated belly, my aching ovaries... and my repeated negative pregnancy tests.

I remember when Miss M was born, after her months of discomfort and hours of labor, KB said to me, "The nine months seem so long, but now that she's here, I realize- it's nothing. It's a blink of an eye." Apparently, she isn't remembering that.

I wish I could be more supportive. I wish I could just say "This is her reality. No one wants to feel like shit." But I'm having trouble getting around the bottom line- she is going to have a baby. I still don't.

Losing my mind.

I am stressed out.

I just feel like there is too much going on at once. I have a ton of papers to grade. I have my ST, who does a good job but still needs a lot of input from me. I have classes to teach. I have parents to respond to. I have to right up a special ed assessment for a student. Peanut hurt her ankle, so I'm keeping an eye on that. The house is a disastrous mess. My school is an administrative mess right now, and things just keep getting piled one thing on another. I messed up my bcp- thought I missed one so I took two and then realized I took one from the wrong row (do you think it matters?).

And those are just the things that need to get done. What about the things I want to do? I need a manicure. I haven't been to yoga in over a year. I have like three knitting projects started, and two are gifts so I really want to finish them. I want to read Shut.ter Island. I want to soak up the sun before the cold and rain comes back. I want to plan my flower garden. I want to focus on my upcoming cycle.

I don't know what to do. I already take prozac. I already get acupuncture. I've even tried wine.

I just feel completely wound up ad out of control. I don't know what to do about it. I don't even think taking a "mental health day" would help- I still have to plan sub plans for being out (another thing added to the list) and I feel like I'm leaving ST in the lurch.

What can I do???? Help! Suggestions are totally welcome!!!!!!!! I need some help. :(

Things I'm annoyed about today

1. Peanut was a pain this morning, so I ended up getting up at 6am with her. After III woke up, I went back to bed. I slept until 11. But I feel like my morning was totally wasted, and I'm still tired!
2. I signed up for this kind of correspondence course to review pre-calc over the summer. I've procrastinated, though, so now I need to get on the ball to get it done by the completion date. Except, they seem to have taken off of their website when the completion date is! Plus, I'm having trouble finding the first DVD I need in my house.
3. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but about a month ago, III lost his wedding ring. He has been thinking there was a possibility it was in his friend's squad car- that it had rolled under the gun safe. He went today to take the safe out to see... and it was no luck. I'm very bummed. It's insured, but that was the ring I put on his finger. I know it's just a symbol, but I'm sentimental...
4. Months and months ago I bought tickets to take III to see The L.ion K.ing, in hopes that he could at least somewhere share my love of musicals. Long story short, he told me last week that he's not going because of work. I am not happy about this and not likely to get over it soon.
5. Finally, I got my period today. Yay! Except... because it's a Saturday, the nurses at the clinic are whoever is on call. So they are calling in my b/c rx... except I hated being on Ap.ri, so the PA wrote me a rx for Lev.ora instead the last time. Apparently, she never put it into my electronic records so the nurse today didn't have any record of it. So it looks like I'm taking Ap.ri again, since I don't want to wait til Monday to figure it all out because those two days would push me back a week. So watch out world... here comes the crazy bitch...
   
   
   

Right in the head.

Despite the fact that I'm a math teacher, I'm totally right brained. This is most evident in the organization of my space. And, yes, I did say organization, though anyone who is left brained, or even a little less right brained than me, may roll their eyes about my use of that word.

I had a student once write a spoof newspaper. On page 2 was a story (complete with a photoshopped picture) about how Ms. A was found trapped under her desk after an avalanche of the papers.

So I recognize that, to many people, my organizational methods just look like one big mess.

But guess what. It's MY DESK. So you can bite me. The only person who has a right (no pun intended) to complain about my right brained habits is my husband, because he has to live with me day in and day out, and his personality is as A+ as his blood.

Yesterday I was out of the classroom to take a class that is required of all teachers in my state. I recently started mentoring a student teacher. She's awesome, and she's only been with me a week. So she taught my classes, but I was still assigned a substitute, because ST is so new and, technically, we're not really supposed to rely on them to sub anyway.

ST is very, very organized. We have had discussions about it because her husband is just like me. She has assigned him a room that he can keep as "messy" (her word) as he likes.

So when I walked in today and discovered I could see the top of my desk- the whole thing- I was pissed. I didn't want to be, though, because I thought it was ST and she's so sweet and I was worried my right-brain-edness was driving her crazy.

Turns out, she didn't touch my desk. It was the sub. Who had to put up with my room for one whole day. She cleared the entire top of the desk and "organized" the small bookshelf next to it. She made files that she stacked in my vertical holder.

I couldn't find a fucking thing.

And the worst part? She threw things away! (Like the list I made of the number that each student had in the $75 out-of-print textbook they took home, so that they don't come in June and grab one from our class set and say "Oh, yeah. Here it is," because they let their dog eat the one at their house as a snack.) I spent half my morning digging through the recycling bin, retrieving things that she thought were trash but actually meant something to me or was needed in my class.

So here's a message to all you type A, left brained, ultra neat and organized, folder fanatics. Just because you don't understand my organizational system doesn't mean it's wrong. You might like to see all your color-coded three ring binders lined up on your shelf, but I like to be able to see each piece of paper. You may prefer your alphabetical file drawer with it's little plastic tabs, but not only do I like my piles, I challenge you to a race of who can fetch a particular item faster.

So there.

I'm still here....

Not a lot to tell... waiting for my period. Still having more crabby moments than positive... I started acupuncture again, though this time for mood and energy. FIL is definitely having a heart transplant. KB's kidney issues are very sucky right now. I'm very wrapped up in Peanut's health issues right now. She's still pooping blood. :( More tests and a new food to try this weekend.

So that's all I've got for now... just not much to say lately. :-/

ISO blue day remedies...

Walking up the stairs to my classroom this morning, I thought "I'm having a cranky day." (already!)

Then I thought "Geez, I'm perpetually down lately, so if, at 7am, I can already identify this as a 'blue day' that's not a very good thing..."

I'm a doer. I want to be able to control what's going on with me. (That's part of what makes this IF stuff so hard.) I thought "What can I do to put myself in a better mood?"

So I'm here to ask my blog buddies: What do you do to cheer yourself up and help a bad mood improve? I need suggestions!

Bad day

I'm kind of having a bad day.

I'm exhausted. I don't know why. I went to bed at 9:30. Peanut practically slept through the night (until 4am). I brought lunch today. I got coffee this morning.

But I'm feeling cranky and tired and blue. I dreamed about B-dog last night. It wasn't a bad dream, but wasn't anything special. It's odd, because I've been hoping I'd dream about her just to see her and touch her... but I woke up feeling unsettled.

I'm a little concerned that my blog has been discovered by someone I know. (Other than the someone I already know found it.) I base this on the two "where are you?" widgits I have and the towns that have popped up. Clearly, tons of people live in any town. I guess it's the chance I take by having a public blog, even if I do my best to be anon. Maybe I should change the name to something boring... but I like the name. And, actually, doesn't it match? My concern is that someone I know will find my blog and be upset/pissed/offended by the bitchiness I occasionally spew. *sigh* I don't know. Does it even matter? It's not like everyone is always saying nice things about me anyway. And usually, if they are saying it, it's to someone who knows me. (A mutual friend, a spouse, etc.) I guess it's not very golden-rulish. Clearly, I'm definitely feeling bitchy today.

I feel like I need something but I don't know what. A vacation? A hug? A nap?

Don't you all get tired of my crankiness??? I'm pretty tired of my crankiness...

I think I suck. **update**

No school today. Phew! I needed a day.

So I spent the morning with KB and her cutie M. M just makes me smile. She's almost three and she acts it! But she's so smart and spunky and I love spending time with her.

I feel like I'm such a lump lately, though. I am sure I was not a very entertaining friend. I'm not very positive or optimistic. I'm actually feeling very "dark and twisty". As much as I loved seeing M and as much as I cherish the time I spend with KB, it wasn't really "fun". And I'm sure it wasn't for KB either.

I'm not worried about it causing an issue in our friendship right now. I know KB loves me and that she understands why I am the way I am right now. I just wish I wasn't.

I had therapy this week and my therapist told me that nothing I am feeling or doing right now is unwarranted. Nothing is over the top. I am feeling and acting appropriately for how my life has been. She gave me permission to be unproductive and to grieve, as long as I'm not wallowing (as that could make me feel worse). (Those are my words, not hers, but was the general gist of things.)

To continue our shitty fall, III's dad is back in the hospital. After his cardiac arrest two months ago, they put in an internal de.fibrillator. It shocked him four times in twelve hours. That's bad. It means either his heart isn't working properly or his IDB isn't working properly. I haven't spoken to III- he's at work and didn't want to talk- just sent me a text. We just really need a break.

Not getting one in the next hour or so, though. I'm off to see Dr. Z for my hystosonogram or whatever it's called. Keep your fingers crossed for me that things are clear enough to progress without any necessary procedures or surgeries first. :(

**update

I guess it's called a "Sonohystogram". Whatever it was, it's clear. The fibroid that has been there since the beginning does not "infringe" upon my uterine cavity, according to Dr. Z. He said everything looks good. :) My nurse, Donna, even said that I had a "beautiful endometrial lining". LOL. So now we wait for the blood tests to come back, which hopefully will happen before 11/24 which is when we sit down with Dr. Z to decide where to go next. Let's hope it's directly to FET which hopefully will lead directly to a 9 month pregnancy... *sigh*

It feels like a list day.

• Today I'm feeling sad that I'm not pregnant.
• I opened up to III this weekend and told him I had this feeling of sadness and despair that seems to lie under the surface, even on happy days and times when I'm enjoying myself.
• I think III has a bit of that too, but I think he doesn't even realize it. He blames it on Peanut or on work, but I think he is more sensitive to the negative things there because of the shitty things that have gone down with us lately.
• Peanut is doing so much better. But she's still having accidents in the house, which I suspect now has to do with lack of consistency in her bathroom schedule. There was a lack of consistency because of how much she had to go after the deworming. Now that that's getting better, I'm hoping she'll fall into more of a routine and stop pooping on the floor.
• Speaking of pooping on the floor, I started my morning yesterday at 6 o'clock by stepping toes first into a pile of dog shit. Nice.
• I'm excited because KB found out she is having a boy.
• I'm depressed because these were milestones we were supposed to be going through together.
• I'm frustrated because I am waiting for my period to start so we can do something.
• Mondays always make the week seem like it is stretching endlessly out before me, with too much to do.
• I have too much to do, but I'm blogging instead of doing it.
• When I go home, I have too much to do but I'm knitting instead of doing it. I finished the back of a sweater for III and am worried I'll spend all this time on it and he won't want to wear it or it won't fit. I'm also working on a hat for me and the Bi.g B.ad Ba.by Blan.ket. I'm not sure who that's for... I had initially planned it to be for myself. I think I'm going to make one for KB, but I think I want to use more 'boy colors'.
  
• The test I posted on Thursday is here. I also took an interesting relationship test here. I took a general stress test too, but it claimed it was going to email me the results and never did. Oh, and I took a procrastination test that said I'm a moderate procrastinator who is in danger of becoming a bigger procrastinator.
  
• I'm having some bowel issues today. I think the apple I ate upset my colon. Why does that happen? I have such a sensitive digestive system...
• Halfway through Monday... I'll get there.
  

a WOW for support!

WOW.

Thanks to whoever submitted my blog to LFCA! When I got the first comment, I had no idea what it meant. Then as more poured in, I goo.gled it and found the blog. Thanks so much for all of your kind words, thoughts and prayers. Honestly, this is probably messed up, but the most reassuring thing to me about it is knowing that this is a really crappy deal, and I'm not just feeling sorry for myself.

But, damn, do I feel sorry for myself.

Today I am wearing my new sweater and my favorite boots. But it's not helping because I am CRANKY. I want to be at home, in sweatpants, on the couch, watching some stupid TV show and wasting time on face.book. Instead, I have to stay late because it's my extra help day, and then I have a T-O-N of grading to do, because I'm still catching up from being out last week. Unfortunately, I could not feel any less motivated.

One of the only benefits of not being pregnant is that I went shopping at my favorite wine store yesterday and am excited about my purchases. Can't wait to uncork a new bottle tonight and see how it is.

UNcomfortable.

I woke up today a little less hungry and not very nauseous. Good, right? Except (you all understand) it makes me worry that there's something wrong. Of course, I am EXHAUSTED and the sore boobs are still around, so it's probably a useless worry.

I really just want to go home and take a nap. And now my stomach is rebelling in other ways and has me running to the bathroom. It appears it did not like the pretzels I ate an hour ago. Really? Pretzels???

I also am having another problem down below. I won't go into details, because I'm sure no one is interested in those sorts of details, but lets just say there's an irritation that gets more irritated every time I a) have to wipe after a potty break, b) have to insert that progesterone supplement and c) have to wear a pad to "catch" any mess from the progesterone supplement. So it is not healing and is very uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough that I did not take my afternoon and evening progesterone last night in hopes of helping it along. Of course, that then contributes to my concern about my lack of nausea.

(Though typing that, I realize maybe that IS the reason for my lack of nausea, but not because of a dead fetus but because of the lower progesterone... I get to stop the supps all together in a little over a week, so it will be interesting to see what that does to my symptoms...)

I made my first OB appointment. It was a little tough to schedule, because my doc wants to see me at 8 weeks (which is Thursday! Eek!) even though I just had an u/s last week. So it has to be a noon appointment, which is not very convenient for a teacher. So I made it for Monday, and I'll take a half day- teach in the morning and get a sub for the afternoon. There's not really another option. I'm calling in sick on that Friday already for a family event, so I didn't want to be completely out on Monday too. I am not sure what they will do at this appt. I'm pretty sure they are not doing an u/s since I just had one. The secretary said it's about a half hour appt. I guess we'll see. I'm hoping I can get some clarification on my due date. According to the online calculator I used, with a retrieval date of 8/6 I should have a due date of 4/29. Dr. Z told me my due date is 5/1, but then he told me that I was 7w along last Thursday, which matches with a 4/29 due date. Notice I finally put the little widget up... I used the 4/29 due date so my week/day measurement would match what I've been told...

I'm not feeling like a very pleasant person right now. I feel like when I talk to people I'm just irritating them. I feel like III is irritated with me. In a total 180 from last year, I actually only feel like an interesting, productive, talented person when I'm teaching. I seem to have a good group this year and they seem to be enjoying class so far. But then, isn't that a dichotomy- I only feel (emotionally) good at work but I have a huge urge to stay home. Blah.

Aren't you glad you can just shut the browser after reading my blog today and not have to put up with me???? LOL

I love my husband.

I have had plenty of posts where I express some of the wonderful things about III and reasons I love him.

This is not one of those posts.

When I was a big mouthed, know-it-all, pain-in-the-ass teenager, my mom used to tell me "I will always love you, but right now I don't like you very much."

Now that I'm married, I totally get that.*

My husband needs to learn to control his temper.
My husband needs to learn to keep certain things to himself.**
My husband needs to remind himself how his behavior and mood affects those he lives with (eg: ME).
My husband needs to remember that there are irritating things about living with him that I have to put up with.

There are occasionally times when I really, really miss living alone. I love III and I love the home we have made together. But sometimes I really miss my little condo, where I could watch what I wanted on TV, decide when I felt like leaving dishes in the sink for a whole weekend, eat cereal and wine for dinner, not leave my condo all day except to walk the dog, sit on my butt with a book for an entire afternoon without anyone knowing or judging....

I love my husband...

...but right now, I don't like him very much.

*I have no illusions that I am a perfect housemate. I'm sure there are plenty of times he feels the same way about me.

**Like that line in When H.arry Met S.ally, when Sally says, "Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them." Yep. That's how I feel right now.