Thursday, April 7, 2016

Broken

Nine years of marriage. 4 years of infertility treatments. 10+ assisted cycles. Two beautiful IVF babies.

A surprise positive pregnancy test in a Starbucks bathroom.

Possibly the happiest I've ever been in my life.

8 weeks later, I take the pills that flush the would-be-baby from my body. There was no more heartbeat. Bye bye baby.

2 weeks later my friend from my tight knit moms board tells me she's pregnant. Along with the other friend who was 2 weeks ahead of me. Would have been two weeks ahead of me.

May 1 due date means I would have been 37 weeks next week. G-man came just over 37 weeks.

I'm 40 now. I know there are likely no more babies. Watching my friends get ready to welcome their babies. A boy for the mom of two girls. A girl for the mom that already has one of each.

My #2 is 30 months. He could have been a big brother if life was fair. My mom might have had a granddaughter.

 I always thought I'd have three kids. Things just don't always go how you thought.

I love my boys. I know I'm lucky.

But my heart still grieves.

It's just not fair.

2 comments:

S said...

:-(. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry that your friends' pregnancies are making you feel it more acutely.

One Who Understands said...

SO sorry for your loss. Hope you can find peace and healing.