Thursday, October 29, 2009

Stress test

I found this on a site as I was perusing infertility groups...

Infertility Stress Test Results

Your total score is: 28

Generally you feel in control of your emotions but your experience with infertility is starting to wear on you. If you are starting to feel isolated by infertility you should consider reaching out to the support network you already have available to you including your partner, family, friends and the medical professionals who are working with you. While it can be difficult to share feelings of fear, frustration or disappointment, maintaining strong, open and honest relationships will help you fend off distress during this difficult period in your life.

If you feel you cannot share your feelings with loved ones, we recommend that you look into other avenues for emotional support. Left unchecked, feelings of isolation and depression usually increase but you can take steps to improve your mood, your outlook on fertility treatment and the outcome of treatment too.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Family secrets

I got the strangest piece of information this weekend (and when I say piece, I mean piece as in 'un-whole'...) and I'm not sure what to do with it- if anything.

What leads up to it is a very, very long complicated story involving my dad's brother (who is now his 'sister'- lets call her Y) and possible mental illness with not only Y (totally separate from the gender stuff) but possibly my grandmother, as well as discontent and senility in my grandfather.

Y recently told my dad and their other brother that she no longer would be attending any family events, holidays, functions, dinners... anything. I am very close with Y's daughter, and she has stopped attending family functions because she is also estranged from Y due to Y's behavior and selfishness. With this new development, I thought this might change for my cousin, so, I asked my dad for more information about Y's reasons for her decision.

It turns out, Y wrote my dad a four page letter expressing why she no longer wanted to associate with the family. (Part of the very long, complicated story.) In the letter, she was expressing to him that clearly she has shown her love for my dad, but he has not shown his to her in return. (Again... to go into this would be too long, but let's just say that this alleged attitude from my dad has been brought on by Y's behavior.)

Anyway... to get to the point, in the email to which the letter was attached, my dad said "this is for you to read and not to share ...Let me know if you have any questions." The letter was lots of accusations and excuses, but one of the sentences in the letter said: "I am the same person who... when (my grandfather), very inappropriately and most offensively questioned your lineage, immediately cut him off in anger and said you were who I grew up with and I would always love you."

Whoa. What?

I read it to III and III had no comment. My family can be a little too crazy for his tastes.

I IMed with my dad after I read the letter, but we only discussed Y and many of the issues surrounding her and her children. I did not bring up that sentence.

What it implies to me is that at some point my grandfather questioned my father's patronage... I do know that before she met my grandfather my grandmother was married to an abusive man. I don't know if that is part of the issue or whether he thought she had an affair. I don't know whether this was an accusation that was made before or after my grandmother's illness and death, or whether it was when my grandfather was lucid or later in his life when he was miserable and possibly senile.

Physically, my dad has always had some differences compared to his brothers. He is significantly taller than both of them. They both have a very stereotypical "Jewish" nose, and he doesn't. They have very narrow frames and slender body types, even as they age, and my dad has aged.... not slender. At all. That said, they have similarities. They all have dark hair, medium complexions, and my dad and his youngest brother have brown eyes. They are all very stubborn with very set opinions. And when it comes down to it... does it matter? To me at least? Not really... but it's very curious.

I told KB about it this morning, and she thinks I should bring it up with my dad. That he "opened the door" on the subject. I'm not sure for a number of reasons. The first is that my mom was the one who suggested that he send me the letter to explain Y's reasoning. (Though, it was a typed letter in word sent through email, so he could have easily edited it and didn't.) So, since I don't know if my dad wants to talk about it, I feel like I don't want to bring it up- what if it's painful for him to talk about? If it isn't, he could bring it up himself. Second, we've only talked about the letter on IM... not exactly the place to discuss whether your father was "illegitimate" or "the product of infidelity" or whatever.

And third... well, I just don't really like to have those conversations with my parents. I'm very open with my close friends. In fact, I crave connection. But for some reason, I've always been very private with my immediate family. I was close mouthed about (non-major) health related things (as well as our IF); I was quiet about boyfriends (when I called and told my sister that I was engaged, she looked at her husband and mouthed "To who???"); I try to moderate my emotions around them. I don't know why. Maybe because my family is so... dramatic. There are quite a few attention seekers in my family. (Y is one of them. My sister is another.) Don't get me wrong, I have my share of drama. But it's all relative. (Hah. No pun intended.) Compared to my husband's family, I'm probably pretty dramatic. But in my family? I'm the "conservative" one. I'm the "prude". So I don't like to add to the drama. And I don't want to draw the drama that would come from others if I did.

So I guess it's a habit. I am not all that interested in discussing this with my family, because ... that's just not what I do. It's such an awkward position too... clearly, my dad doesn't want others to know. He specified he'd only shown my mom... meaning he doesn't want me to share it with Y's daughter, who is one of my very good friends as well as my cousin, nor my sister.

So I don't know if this will go any further. I don't know if my dad will bring it up. I don't know if he's expecting me to bring it up. I don't know if he even wants us to bring it up... I guess only time will tell. I'll be seeing him in person over Thanksgiving, so I guess we'll just see what happens....

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Cranky is as cranky does...

After such a lovely weekend away for our anniversary two weeks ago, III has been ... let's say unpleasant to be around.

For a while, I thought he was upset with me about something- he doesn't always share. Turns out it was partially work, and partially Peanut.

Saturday, he ended up having to work from 2pm-4:30am. So he took yesterday off. I thought it would be good- a chance for a break for him on his own. Everyone needs their alone time, right?

He was a little better. A little. Finally, last night I asked him how he was feeling about Peanut. He said "okay". He thinks she's a spaz but she's getting better. Then I said "What about me? You just don't seem to like me very much lately." He said "It's just hard because work has been hard and then I come home and with Peanut now it doesn't feel like a haven." I agree with him that for the first week, it was stressful, but now? She's still tough but not for him. He does none of the work with her. It's all me. So I said "I think she's much better," and he says "Yeah, she's just so much work."

Um. Huh. If you think a 7 month old dog is a lot of work, what do you think is going to happen when we have an infant??? You better buck up, buddy.

I feel like all I do lately is waver between being irritated with him and trying not to upset him. Last night, I took Peanut after her 1am poopie trip and slept in the spare room. So I don't know what he's complaining about.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Something a little lighter

Thanks to ICLW, I saw this on "babybaker"'s page.

Here’s how it works: you have to mention (and link) to the blog where you saw it. Then use Google images to explain your answers for each category listed below. Join the fun!

(Babybaker listed the phrase she searched for, but I chose to only post the photo... )

1. Favorite beverage

2. Your hometown

3. Favorite TV show

4. Your occupation

5. Your first car

6. Your favorite dish

7. Celebrity you’ve been told you most resemble (this one was hard... there is no "most often" so I just chose two I have been told at one time or another...)

8. Celebrity crush

9. Favorite childhood toy

10. Any random photo

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Where I don't fit in

Not long after my miscarriage, KB sent me a link to Res.olve. I already knew about Res.olve, but I've felt wary about joining an infertility support group, either there or through my clinic. There are a number of reasons... but one stands out more than others. It's the same reason I tend to avoid message boards.

I appear to have a different take on early pregnancy than many of the women who are ttc. Or at least many of the women who seek support. It's very hard to explain in words... but some of my feelings since my miscarriage have brought the difference to the forefront.

Since we started trying (during which time many, many friends and family have had babies), I've been thinking about names. While III and I haven't really talked about it, I recently realized that I have a name in my head that I expect I will name my daughter. (Silly, considering III does actually have some say in the matter.) I love the name Leia, and, based on modern Jewish tradition, we would be naming our baby 'after' III's grandmother, who's name began with an L. (The middle name I like is Elise, after my grandma, who had a personality and irreverence I would love to see in a daughter.)

Since finding out that this baby would have been a girl,* I've been having a little bit of a harder time. I actually don't have a preference of what gender our baby is. (I'd really like to have one of each...) I would love to see III with a son, but he'd be mush with a daughter which I also will enjoy, and my mom... well, she really wants a granddaughter.

*Just the way I phrased that... it's not what I usually see on an IF blog.

So those things... I think they have made this whole thing sting a bit more.

In spite of that, I don't feel like I lost a daughter. As I explained last month, it hurts that we've lost the potential of this baby- of this potential daughter.

As I was sitting, reading others' blogs today I started thinking about this lost pregnancy, and this exact thought popped into my head:

"This pregnancy wasn't Leia."

Which is where I differ. This wasn't my baby. It doesn't have a name, I don't think about where it is, I don't wonder who it was (or would have been)... it just isn't.

I feel a little uncomfortable expressing this here- because so many of you feel that the pregnancies you lost are now angels in heaven and lost lives. And I'm not trying to take that away from you or imply that you are wrong.

It's just not how I feel about mine. It is a big part of what keeps me from the support groups and infertility message boards- and sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm on the outside....

Friday, October 23, 2009

Strong enough.

Through all of this, I've had a number of people, in blogland and IRL, tell me "you're so strong!" The worse things get, the more I hear it.

I don't feel strong.

I feel defeated.

I feel angry.

I feel exhausted.

If it were up to me, I'd stay in bed. Or sit on my couch and watch TV. But I can't. I have to come to work. I have to teach my students to the best of my ability. Maybe that's why people think I'm strong. But I'm noticing the cracks in the armor... I'm super behind on my grading. I'm not returning parent emails as quickly as I should. In fact, I feel resentful when I get an email requesting more of me. I'm not as patient with my husband and lately I think I want unreasonable amounts of his time, attention, and affection. I'm not able to be as supportive of my friends as I'd like.

In the last two days I've heard it again from two different people. My OBGYN called me yesterday morning. I was expecting her call (I'd left her a message on Tuesday) and took the call, though we were in the middle of a school-wide activity. I thought I'd be okay. I wasn't very okay. I hung up the phone fighting back tears. (More on that in a minute...) I ran into a woman I work with who I helped out a bit (emotionally) when she was going through a nasty divorce. I hadn't told her everything that was going on, but it came out there in the hallway. She told me "I can't believe everything you're going through. You're such a mensch! And you're so strong, it gives me inspiration."

This morning I spoke to my friend who went through IVF. She never had a m/c but after years of ART and IVF, her son was born at 28 weeks and had a long, difficult stay in the NICU. But she now claims that my experience has become more difficult than hers. (Though it's certainly not a contest, I'm not sure I agree with that...) When I told her the most recent stuff this morning, she also said it "You are such a strong person!"

I guess I've got everyone fooled.

As for the nitty gritty...

The chromosomal tests came back completely normal. "Normal products of conception... 46 normal x chromosomes..." So it would have been a girl. That was information I didn't have to get... but on the spot on the phone I thought, knowing that the information was available I'd rather have it than not. Now I'm not so sure. Too late, I guess.

Appointment with Dr. Z yesterday... while disappointed that I miscarried, he is encouraged that I had implantation. I asked a million questions... they don't know why I miscarried, and in theory are not all that concerned, considering how common miscarriage is. However, they will be doing my day 3 bloodwork again (as well as III's bloodwork) and including the tests they do for recurrent m/c (though we are not, thankfully, in that category... yet. Hopefully, ever.). I also have to have a saline sonogram between day 5 and 12 of my cycle.

I have not yet gotten a period (it's only been a month... exactly a month yesterday since my D&C. Exactly a month today since we lost B-dog. That's a whole other story... I can't believe it's been a month. :( )

So we have a plan. Testing next cycle. Then, unless they find something that needs to be "fixed" a frozen cycle the following month. I think if that doesn't work, we'll do another fresh cycle, though we should have embryos for one more frozen.

So a plan is good. But it doesn't label me as "strong". I have to do this. What is the alternative? To be childless? To adopt? I'm afraid of both of those options. I don't think I could deal with being childless, and I'm so afraid of the adoption process. And I'm afraid of letting go of the dream of a piece of me, and a piece of III. The women, the couples, who do that... that is strong.

What we've done... what I'm doing... TTC-wise, day-to-day... I'm just 'strong enough' right now. I don't know if I can take more.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

ICLW and peanut

I decided to participate in ICLW again this month- so if you are here from ICLW, Welcome! If you are one of my regular readers... welcome anyway! And if you're here from somewhere else... well... welcome! LOL

My husband (III) and I just celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. We have been TTC for 2 years and working with ART for just over a year. After 4 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles, we finally were successful. Briefly. Last month, I miscarried at 8w. Sadly, that same week we had to put our beloved B-dog to sleep after a battle with lymphoma. So it's been rough for us lately...

For a more detailed description of our TTC journey you can check out my history post.


Peanut is really settling in. Thank goodness! I thought III was going to give up on her. She still has plenty of energy, but she has restful spells between her spurts of energy and is sooooo cuddly. At the end of the day, she'll climb up on the couch next to me and curl up against me. She cuddles in as close as she can get. What a sweet girl.

The biggest problem is poop. (Warning... this is going to get detailed.) She has had diarrhea since day 1. The previous owners claimed she'd had "soft" poops since they got her. Well, that's understating what we've seen, plus some blood. :( Poor baby. I took her to the vet yesterday and she's down four pounds! That's only 10% of her body weight. :( :( :( Turns out she has roundworm. Ick. I'm glad we found what could be causing all of this, because it can be fixed, but... ick. I'm nervous about M-dog getting it. We have to pick up all of her poop as soon as she goes... but the consistency of it makes that tough. Not only that... but there may be WORMS in her poop. iiiiiiiicccccckkkkkkk.

The previous owners did have her stool tested, and supposedly it came back "clean". My vet said that can happen on any particular day. But wouldn't you think if she continued to have problems and stay so small they would check it again? Or deworm her anyway just in case? I don't blame the owners, but it just shows me that not all vets are created equal. The place I go is a little more expensive than the place I used to take my dogs, but if they can catch things like this and are more thorough, I'm willing to pay.

We start puppy school tomorrow and I'm excited. I'm looking forward to solidifying some of her training and bonding with her.

For today, I stayed home from school (shhhhhh), because I just needed to sleep and decompress alone. But I do have stuff I have to do since I'm here. I'm giving myself two hours to just sit on the couch and knit before I start on my list.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dog Heaven

The week after B-dog died, I got a package in the mail.

An old roommate had sent me this book.

I cried as a I read it.

Yesterday, it helped me to think that this could be true:
Dogs in Dog Heaven have almost always belonged to somebody on Earth and, of course, the dogs remember this.
Heaven is full of memories.
So sometimes an angel will walk a dog back to Earth for a little visit and quietly, invisibly, the dog will sniff about his old backyard, will investigate the cat next door, will follow the child to school, will sit on the front porch and wait for the mail.

When he is satisfied that all is well, the dog will return to Heaven with the angel.
It is where dogs belong,
near God who made them.

~from Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant

Monday, October 19, 2009

I buried my B-dog today.

I was already missing B. After a terrible weather day yesterday, the sun came out. When I got home, I took my knitting and a chair and took Peanut and M-dog out in the yard. As I sat in the sun, I thought "B would love this weather." Today's weather was perfect big-boxer weather-she got hot so easily because she was so solid. It was 50 degrees and sunny with a breeze. She would have been running around the yard, sniffing the air and checking in with me every two minutes, with that big boxer smile and her tongue hanging out.

I decided... what a perfect day to do it. I brought the box with her ashes and the memorial stone outside. I dug next to the tree where she always used to dig. (I hope I didn't hurt the baby tree and it's roots...) I placed the box down in there and used my hands to cover it up.

The whole time, Peanut was sniffing all around, wondering what I was doing. M-dog stayed on the porch. I wanted him to be a part of it, so I called him over. He sniffed around, and then started digging a little in the dirt. I stopped him, and then turned around to clean up the shovel and the towel I had used to kneel on. When I turned back, this is what I saw:

We just miss her so much. :(

Friday, October 16, 2009

Thursday, October 15, 2009

What might have been...

Today, I was supposed to be twelve weeks pregnant.

After almost two years of ttc and a year of ART, there were so many things about the pregnancy that were timed "just right".

KB is almost 11 weeks- our babies would have been just weeks apart, and we would have been on maternity leave at the same time.

The baby would have been due at the perfect time in the school year for a teacher.

The climate in my school has been such that if I had decided to take a parental leave next year, it would have been a much needed career break.

And my last day of my first trimester would have been on our 3rd anniversary.

I should have been feeling fat now. I should have been getting ready to share our news. (I even had a plan about how to do it, especially for our parents who live far away.) I should have been looking forward to feeling well during the second trimester.

Instead, I am.... waiting. Again. Waiting for my appt with Dr. Z next week. Waiting for our chromosomal testing to come back (it hasn't yet). Waiting for the next cycle where we have to do this all again. Waiting for my turn, god damn it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Happy Anniversary to III and me!

I can't believe it's been three years! Today is a blah day, so I'm glad we had such a nice trip this weekend. I'm hoping he won't have to work late tonight- we'll do dinner and open gifts.

Peanut greeted me yesterday with a HUGE mess in the bathroom where she had been secluded. Unsure of what to do with her instead, she's in there again today.... Yikes. She was a little better last night, though, after M-dog played with her and she seemed to start to settle in. I also signed up for puppy classes! Absolutely necessary.

I'll try to post a puppy pic soon. :)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

What have I gotten myself into?!?!

First thing's first- GREAT anniversary weekend. We had a wonderful weekend away. It was relaxing and it was nice to have time with III just to talk and hang out. He rarely relaxes when he's at home, but he even took a nap with me on Saturday! Of course, the minute we got home, he put on his "work" clothes and started doing stuff around the house.

And we got a dog. Her previous owners brought her by yesterday. She's almost half the size of my other boxers, so from this point on, she'll be known on this blog as "Peanut". LOL

But, my goodness, she has some serious energy.

I don't want to say I forgot what it was like adjusting to (and helping to adjust) a new rescue... I remembered... but I forgot what it feels like. Peanut hasn't really been socialized with other dogs, so M-dog has already been teaching her what not to do. (With a boxer swat and a growl.) Then he looks at me with sad eyes as if to say "What have you done, bringing this crazy girl into our home?" I know Peanut is a hyper dog- her previous owners warned us. But I think she's even more wound up because she's nervous and excited.

So much I could vent about here, but lets sum it up by saying I'm feeling very nervous. I hope she's okay today (she's secluded from M and from anything that could hurt her). She's having some GI problems, and I'm not sure how much is related to anxiety. I just went to Who.le Fo.ods and bought some chicken (going to do the boiled chicken and rice for a few days to see if that helps... she was on Bene.ful before. Yuck. It is definitely not agreeing with her), some Wel.lness dog food to start after the chicken and rice, and some Res.cue Reme.dy. Hoping the RR helps take some of her anxiousness away...

I'm excited to have Peanut at our house and looking forward to when we all settle in... but, god, do I miss B-dog. I knew this wouldn't replace her, and a coworker who recently went through the same thing told me that the day she got her new dog made her miss her old dog more, so I was prepared. But I miss her so much there is a physical pain in my chest. It hurts me that she is gone forever, and it hurts me that I will probably never feel the same thing for any dog ever again. It also hurts me that I'm pretty sure M-dog was looking for her this morning. He hasn't recently looked for her, but this morning I had Peanut closed in the bedroom (so that M-dog could eat his breakfast in peace) and he came to the closed door and wanted in. I let him in, he walked past Peanut, around the room, and then out again. He went and lay by himself in the spare room looking sad. So we both are missing B. :-(

I'm sure I'll have plenty of updates in the near future...

Friday, October 9, 2009

More than one anniversary...

My wedding anniversary is coming up next week. We are going away this weekend to celebrate. Hopefully, we will have a fun but relaxing weekend.

This trip marks another anniversary. Two years ago, as we headed out for our first anniversary trip, we decided that I should stop taking BCP, effectively beginning our TTC efforts. Two years. *sigh*

Here's hoping that by our next anniversary, we will be looking forward to an impending birth- or possibly even celebrating a recent one.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Craig is my hero.

I just wanted to say that crai.gslist rocks.

I've gotten and sold furniture on crai.gslist.

I used to bartend at a theater part time- a great job... that I got on crai.gslist.

I even met my husband on crai.gslist.

As I mentioned in yesterday's post, I posted an ad in the pet section of CL. I was so irritated when it got flagged, I almost didn't repost- I thought "Geez, CL is not what it used to be." But I reposted in the evening, and the flagging trolls must not have been around because there it stayed.

Thank goodness! Last night I got an email from a woman who told me her parents had purchased a boxer puppy from a breeder four months ago, only to find they didn't have the time and energy to spend on such a young dog. I called her parents and spoke to her mother for quite a while. It seems like their pup might be a good fit for our home, and they are going to bring her by on Monday to meet us and see how things go! We will definitely have to make some changes, having a seven month old boxer in the house... it probably means an earlier wake up for me so she can have a morning walk. It may mean "puppy proofing" the house. I know that it's not going to be easy- adopting a new dog never is. But I'm willing to do it. We need something like this.

I'm a little bummed not to get the pup I posted below, as I never heard anything from the rescue. But I'm happy about the prospect of getting a puppy soon. Keep your fingers crossed for us that it works out!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

So much to say and nothing to say...

Every day I plan to post. I have all this stuff to say. Then I sit down, and there's nothing.

I'm doing okay. Except when I'm not. III and I working out the fact that we are clearly dealing with all of this differently. He is much better at compartmentalizing and transferring. I still have that heavy feeling on my chest.

I have heard back from none of the rescues. I contacted two more places last night about dogs on petfi.nder. I had also posted on CL... first it got flagged. WTF? I think there are just assholes hanging out on CL to flag people. Anyway... I reposted and today I got an email from a woman who's parents are looking to rehome their 7 month old boxer! I emailed them and am waiting to hear more, but it's the most promising lead so far. I still love the little white deaf boxer, but I've heard nothing from that rescue and it's been a week. III is also unsure about having a deaf dog... so we'll see. I am very excited about the possibility of bringing home a new pup.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Am I setting myself up?

I'm falling in love.

I have been perusing the rescue sites. I adopted both B and M-dog from a particular rescue, but right now they have very few young female dogs. So I have branched out and applied to two more boxer rescues.

On one site, I continue to be drawn to the page of a sweet little deaf white boxer.
She is being fostered about two hours from me, so it's not the most convenient match in that sense, but I have a car. I can drive to get her.

So what's the problem?

First of all, I have yet to hear from the rescue. I know that they are run by volunteers, and because of this it can take a while. I sent in my application, and then emailed the volunteer listed on her page, as instructed by their FAQ. In my email, I mentioned that I was interested in a number of their rescues. Since then, I've started to fall in love with this beauty. Is it too soon to email again, expressing my desire to bring her home?

Second problem... the rescue's page states that she "...will need a securely fenced yard and someone who is home most of the day. Having other animals in the family would be ideal. She also needs people who can teach her sign language which will help guide her safely."

We have the fenced in yard. We have a buddy. But we work. We are not home "most of the day".

I don't know if this is because of her age, her energy level (reportedly high) or her deafness. But I really want her. And I'm afraid we won't be considered because of our work hours.

I have written them a detailed email... not yet sent... in it, I explain our experience with special needs boxers (both my dogs needed pretty serious medical attention when I first got them, B had separation anxiety, and then of course cancer...) and my experience with deafness (humans, but still... deaf dogs need to use signs and I already know many!). She's been with the rescue since June, and I would guess they are having trouble placing her because of her special needs. I want her. I hope the stay-at-home part is "ideal" but not "necessary". In spite of it, I think we could give her a fabulous, loving home.

So am I setting myself up for disappointment? Maybe. Maybe it really is not good for her to be in a home where her humans work full time. I don't want to put her in a position that is not good for her. But I am already starting to love her from afar and we really, really need something like this.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The ache and the sting

One week, two days since B died.
One week three days since my D&C.

I would have been 10 weeks yesterday. :( I was really looking forward to hitting those double digits.

Despite all that, and despite yesterday's post, I've been feeling generally level. The worst (emotional) pain isn't constant, although there still is a constant ache. It feels weird. It's like everything about me is going about things normally. I teach, I banter, I laugh. I respond to "How are you doing?" with an "Okay." Because I don't feel as shitty as I did a week ago.

But it feels like underneath all of that, the sadness and the ache is still constantly lurking.

Yesterday I made it through most of the day without tears. Driving home from work, I thought to myself, "Okay, today was okay. I didn't cry. Maybe I'm getting there."

Until 7pm when the doorbell rang.

B-dog is home. Her ashes arrived in a pretty redwood box. I was okay at first...and then I wasn't. I spent a good half hour crying again.

I put the box near her picture. My plan has been to bury them in the backyard, but I touched that box no less than five times last night and twice this morning. It's all I have left of her. I'm not sure I'm comfortable keeping the box around, but at the same time, all of a sudden I'm feeling hesitant to bury it. I don't know what to do.

I've been scouring the rescue pages for another dog. M-dog needs a buddy, especially while we're away at work. And III and I need something good to happen- something to be excited about. Something new to focus on. Unfortunately, the rescues tend to be run by busy volunteers so it can take a while to hear back... There is one sweet deaf pup who I am feeling especially drawn to. That's something we'd have to talk about, though, because clearly it comes with it's own challenges.

While the loss of B is an ache, the loss of my pregnancy has turned into a sting. Getting coffee today in the school caf, I was a quarter short. (They raised the price this year.) I told them I'd bring one down the next time I came and one of the women joked "You have to turn over your first born!" I joked back "Well, I don't have one so that will be tough..." but... sting. I have plans to see KB on Sunday. M too. I'm looking forward to it, but I know... that sting will be there too. KB with her perfect toddler and her perfect pregnancy. Me... still with nothing.

My "WTF appointment" is set for 10/22. My doctor is going on vacation again. I really like him, but he goes away a lot which makes scheduling a pain. He leaves on Monday and returns on the 14th. His receptionist said she could see about squeezing me in on the 14th, but that's our anniversary and I don't want to spend it talking about my miscarriage. For III to come, it's best to have a late afternoon appt, so the next available wasn't for three weeks. I don't know when in my cycle they have to do the hysto-bobber, so hopefully that won't be a problem... maybe I should call the nurse and see...

I'm thrilled that it's Friday and hope to spend all day tomorrow doing nothing. I've ordered some new yarn, because I need a new project. I'm anxious for it to come, though some of it has been backordered so it might be longer than I'd like.

Thursday, October 1, 2009 Be.auty

...the queen gave birth to a girl who was so beautiful that the king could not contain himself for joy, and he ordered a great celebration. He invited... the wise women so that they would be kindly disposed toward the child. There were thirteen of them in his kingdom, but because he had only twelve golden plates from which they were to eat, one of them had to remain at home.

...the thirteenth one suddenly walked in. She wanted to avenge herself for not having been invited, and without greeting anyone or even looking at them she cried out with a loud voice, "In the princess's fifteenth year she shall prick herself with a spindle and fall over dead." And without saying another word she turned around and left the hall.

Everyone was horrified, and the twelfth wise woman, who had not yet offered her wish, stepped forward. Because she was unable to undo the wicked wish, but only to soften it, she said, "It shall not be her death. The princess will only fall into a hundred-year deep sleep."

...Now it happened that on the day when she turned fifteen years of age the king and the queen were not at home, and the girl was all alone in the castle. She walked around from one place to the next, looking into rooms and chambers as her heart desired. Finally she came to an old tower. She climbed up the narrow, winding stairs and arrived at a small door. In the lock there was a rusty key, and when she turned it the door sprang open. There in a small room sat an old woman with a spindle busily spinning her flax.

"Good day, old woman," said the princess. "What are you doing there?"

"I am spinning," said the old woman, nodding her head.

"What is that thing that is so merrily bouncing about?" asked the girl, taking hold of the spindle, for she too wanted to spin.
She had no sooner touched the spindle when the magic curse was fulfilled, and she pricked herself in the finger. The instant that she felt the prick she fell onto a bed that was standing there, and she lay there in a deep sleep.

Jacob and Wi.lhelm

I have been feeling twinges of jealousy towards bea.uty. Yes, she falls asleep under a curse. (It is Grimm after all...) But the idea of laying down and going to sleep for a while (then to be awaken by a kiss...? There are worse things...) is pretty appealing. I want to wake up and be refreshed. I want to wake up and be healed. I want to take a break from my life - not think about work*. Not think about the fact that I'm still not pregnant. Not think about the road ahead where we continue trying to get pregnant. Not miss my dog. Not feel this ache in my chest.

This isn't a fairy tale, though, so I guess even if I did fall into a deep sleep, when I awoke all that stuff would still be there- still be true, still be fresh in my mind.

Despite this, today hasn't been a horrible day. I'm just tired. I'm looking forward to going home... I should bring papers home to grade, but I may just take the time to relax.

*I do have to say, though, that my students are awesome this year! I'm just feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work and how far behind I am, plus my motivation to do anything is so low. I don't know if I could do it if my kids weren't as great as they are...