Today, I was supposed to be twelve weeks pregnant.
After almost two years of ttc and a year of ART, there were so many things about the pregnancy that were timed "just right".
KB is almost 11 weeks- our babies would have been just weeks apart, and we would have been on maternity leave at the same time.
The baby would have been due at the perfect time in the school year for a teacher.
The climate in my school has been such that if I had decided to take a parental leave next year, it would have been a much needed career break.
And my last day of my first trimester would have been on our 3rd anniversary.
I should have been feeling fat now. I should have been getting ready to share our news. (I even had a plan about how to do it, especially for our parents who live far away.) I should have been looking forward to feeling well during the second trimester.
Instead, I am.... waiting. Again. Waiting for my appt with Dr. Z next week. Waiting for our chromosomal testing to come back (it hasn't yet). Waiting for the next cycle where we have to do this all again. Waiting for my turn, god damn it.
After almost two years of ttc and a year of ART, there were so many things about the pregnancy that were timed "just right".
KB is almost 11 weeks- our babies would have been just weeks apart, and we would have been on maternity leave at the same time.
The baby would have been due at the perfect time in the school year for a teacher.
The climate in my school has been such that if I had decided to take a parental leave next year, it would have been a much needed career break.
And my last day of my first trimester would have been on our 3rd anniversary.
I should have been feeling fat now. I should have been getting ready to share our news. (I even had a plan about how to do it, especially for our parents who live far away.) I should have been looking forward to feeling well during the second trimester.
Instead, I am.... waiting. Again. Waiting for my appt with Dr. Z next week. Waiting for our chromosomal testing to come back (it hasn't yet). Waiting for the next cycle where we have to do this all again. Waiting for my turn, god damn it.
7 comments:
Amen, sister. I hope things start going your way from here on in.
I think what might have been is the hardest thing of all no matter where you are inn your journey....the what ifs kill me.
praying your turn comes soon!!
Yep -- it's pretty shitty. I'm sorry that the RE is out to lunch. Here's hoping that the calls come soon and that all of the "might have beens" soon are forgotten as you get started again.
I do the same thing. Would have been 12 weeks this past Tuesday. I hate it. I hate being in this "what could have been" place.
I'm thinking of you...
I am so sorry...for your loss, for the waiting, for all the shit infertility has piled on you. Waiting SUCKS. I remember how long it took to get the results of our one fetal chromosomal analysis. It seemed like forever.
*hugs*
-K
I am so sorry for your loss. It really is the little markers that hit the hardest, the ones that others don't see. Beautiful post, so true. Lots of (*hugs*)
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