Friday, October 23, 2009

Strong enough.

Through all of this, I've had a number of people, in blogland and IRL, tell me "you're so strong!" The worse things get, the more I hear it.

I don't feel strong.

I feel defeated.

I feel angry.

I feel exhausted.

If it were up to me, I'd stay in bed. Or sit on my couch and watch TV. But I can't. I have to come to work. I have to teach my students to the best of my ability. Maybe that's why people think I'm strong. But I'm noticing the cracks in the armor... I'm super behind on my grading. I'm not returning parent emails as quickly as I should. In fact, I feel resentful when I get an email requesting more of me. I'm not as patient with my husband and lately I think I want unreasonable amounts of his time, attention, and affection. I'm not able to be as supportive of my friends as I'd like.

In the last two days I've heard it again from two different people. My OBGYN called me yesterday morning. I was expecting her call (I'd left her a message on Tuesday) and took the call, though we were in the middle of a school-wide activity. I thought I'd be okay. I wasn't very okay. I hung up the phone fighting back tears. (More on that in a minute...) I ran into a woman I work with who I helped out a bit (emotionally) when she was going through a nasty divorce. I hadn't told her everything that was going on, but it came out there in the hallway. She told me "I can't believe everything you're going through. You're such a mensch! And you're so strong, it gives me inspiration."

This morning I spoke to my friend who went through IVF. She never had a m/c but after years of ART and IVF, her son was born at 28 weeks and had a long, difficult stay in the NICU. But she now claims that my experience has become more difficult than hers. (Though it's certainly not a contest, I'm not sure I agree with that...) When I told her the most recent stuff this morning, she also said it "You are such a strong person!"

I guess I've got everyone fooled.

As for the nitty gritty...

The chromosomal tests came back completely normal. "Normal products of conception... 46 normal x chromosomes..." So it would have been a girl. That was information I didn't have to get... but on the spot on the phone I thought, knowing that the information was available I'd rather have it than not. Now I'm not so sure. Too late, I guess.

Appointment with Dr. Z yesterday... while disappointed that I miscarried, he is encouraged that I had implantation. I asked a million questions... they don't know why I miscarried, and in theory are not all that concerned, considering how common miscarriage is. However, they will be doing my day 3 bloodwork again (as well as III's bloodwork) and including the tests they do for recurrent m/c (though we are not, thankfully, in that category... yet. Hopefully, ever.). I also have to have a saline sonogram between day 5 and 12 of my cycle.

I have not yet gotten a period (it's only been a month... exactly a month yesterday since my D&C. Exactly a month today since we lost B-dog. That's a whole other story... I can't believe it's been a month. :( )

So we have a plan. Testing next cycle. Then, unless they find something that needs to be "fixed" a frozen cycle the following month. I think if that doesn't work, we'll do another fresh cycle, though we should have embryos for one more frozen.

So a plan is good. But it doesn't label me as "strong". I have to do this. What is the alternative? To be childless? To adopt? I'm afraid of both of those options. I don't think I could deal with being childless, and I'm so afraid of the adoption process. And I'm afraid of letting go of the dream of a piece of me, and a piece of III. The women, the couples, who do that... that is strong.

What we've done... what I'm doing... TTC-wise, day-to-day... I'm just 'strong enough' right now. I don't know if I can take more.


irrationalexuberance said...

"Strong enough" as you describe it is pretty damned impressive. If you can keep moving forward and maintain the hope required for this, well, that's amazing. So cut yourself a break and take care of yourself this weekend.

Frenchie said...

Hearing how strong other people think you are probably doesn't make you feel any better. It didn't make me feel any better when I lost a pregnancy, at 8 weeks, after two years of trying to get pregnant. I didn't want to be strong, I just wanted to be pregnant. I spent a whole lot of time stuck on the couch. There were days where I couldn't even move. So, I think strong, or not, you are doing remarkably well FWIW. I am so glad you have a plan. A plan is good.

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

I hope your plan is a success and I wish you the best.


Rebecca said...

I personally hate hearing people tell me how "strong" I am. Strong for dealing with infertility for five years without ever getting pregnant. Strong for going through all the crap in my marriage. Strong for dealing with anxiety and depression. Strong for so many things. I don't want to be strong. I want to be a mother. I want my marriage back and for my husband and I to be happy again. I don't want to have to watch out every day for the demons of anxiety and depression that creep around me. I get it.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby girl.