Friday, January 29, 2010

Right in the head.

Despite the fact that I'm a math teacher, I'm totally right brained. This is most evident in the organization of my space. And, yes, I did say organization, though anyone who is left brained, or even a little less right brained than me, may roll their eyes about my use of that word.

I had a student once write a spoof newspaper. On page 2 was a story (complete with a photoshopped picture) about how Ms. A was found trapped under her desk after an avalanche of the papers.

So I recognize that, to many people, my organizational methods just look like one big mess.

But guess what. It's MY DESK. So you can bite me. The only person who has a right (no pun intended) to complain about my right brained habits is my husband, because he has to live with me day in and day out, and his personality is as A+ as his blood.

Yesterday I was out of the classroom to take a class that is required of all teachers in my state. I recently started mentoring a student teacher. She's awesome, and she's only been with me a week. So she taught my classes, but I was still assigned a substitute, because ST is so new and, technically, we're not really supposed to rely on them to sub anyway.

ST is very, very organized. We have had discussions about it because her husband is just like me. She has assigned him a room that he can keep as "messy" (her word) as he likes.

So when I walked in today and discovered I could see the top of my desk- the whole thing- I was pissed. I didn't want to be, though, because I thought it was ST and she's so sweet and I was worried my right-brain-edness was driving her crazy.

Turns out, she didn't touch my desk. It was the sub. Who had to put up with my room for one whole day. She cleared the entire top of the desk and "organized" the small bookshelf next to it. She made files that she stacked in my vertical holder.

I couldn't find a fucking thing.

And the worst part? She threw things away! (Like the list I made of the number that each student had in the $75 out-of-print textbook they took home, so that they don't come in June and grab one from our class set and say "Oh, yeah. Here it is," because they let their dog eat the one at their house as a snack.) I spent half my morning digging through the recycling bin, retrieving things that she thought were trash but actually meant something to me or was needed in my class.

So here's a message to all you type A, left brained, ultra neat and organized, folder fanatics. Just because you don't understand my organizational system doesn't mean it's wrong. You might like to see all your color-coded three ring binders lined up on your shelf, but I like to be able to see each piece of paper. You may prefer your alphabetical file drawer with it's little plastic tabs, but not only do I like my piles, I challenge you to a race of who can fetch a particular item faster.

So there.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Holy moly.

And I thought this had all been complicated before!!!!

First of all, my nausea issues appear to have been because of a bug I caught. Luckily, it was short lived. I do have some headaches that I think are side effects of the E, but that seems to be about all for now.

Right now the plan is u/s and b/w on the 3rd, thaw and pgd (actually, according to our paperwork it's technically "PGS"...) on the 5th and, if there's anything to transfer, transfer on the 7th.

But seriously. I had to talk to the nurse at my RE. Then I had to fill out an intake form for the lab. Then I had to have a phone interview with the lab. Then we have to sign five different consent forms, one that has to be notarized. It's so complicated... and with all this, there is a possibility we won't even have anything to transfer!

So that's where we're at. I've tried to find some PGD blogs, but they are few and far between. And I've only read one where someone did PGD on frozen embryos... that person got pregnant though, so I guess them's good odds. ;)

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I might puke.

I started estradiol last night, both in pill and patch form. I started out the morning so tired, and around 11 started feeling a little gross. I though it was just that I needed lunch... but after I ate I got some serious diarrhea and felt SO NAUSEOUS. I had to leave school early.

I called the nurse at the RE and she said it could be from the estradiol, and that as my body adjusts it should get better. However, I know there's something going around at school too, so I'm worried it's the flu. :( I'm drinking some 7-up, but it tastes gross to me.

Has anyone who has taken estradiol or something similar had any side effects like this? This is my first FET so I don't know if this is just how I react, or if it's something else...


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

This weekend I couldn't help thinking about how I'd be entering the third trimester if my pregnancy had been viable. I would have been 25w4d today. (I looked it up- good news is the week I'm in is no longer in the front of my mind...) Instead I have my period. It was especially hard to ignore, since I visited with KB and her family. (She was 24w this weekend.) I love her and am happy for her- but I can't help looking at her growing belly without thinking "I would have looked like that now too..."

Miss M is turning three this month and I've made her a very super cute jumper as a gift. I can't wait to give it to her. KB made sure I knew I was invited to her party (along with the 17 kiddies and their parents...) but that she'd understand if I didn't want to come. I'm going to go, armed with my camera to hide behind. I love getting good shots of the kiddos on exciting and important days. It makes me feel useful and included.

I wouldn't say M makes is okay that we don't have any babies of our own... but being so close to her and being such a big part of her life (as we left their house, after I'd given her a hug and a kiss, she watched me go through the window and called after me, "But III didn't give me a hug and a kiss!!!!)- it takes the sting away from it a little.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Hurry up and wait...

After I posted yesterday, I got my period. Woohoo!

It was Sunday, so I didn't bother hurrying to call the clinic and report in for CD1. I called today... and it's a holiday. So while I did speak to a nurse, it turns out my file is with the financial person, who is off today. So I have to wait for tomorrow to make sure that all my stuff is in order so that they can get me my meds. She said it's not a big deal, though, and that I just have to start them by CD5.

As unlikely as it is that I'll get pregnant from this cycle, it's nice to be doing something. I always feel better when there's a plan in place and we're executing it.

Sunday, January 17, 2010


I was fifteen and a half when I got my period for the first time. It was the last day of ninth grade. I spent the first half of my teens embarrassed and concerned that I was (as far as I knew) the only girl who didn't have it yet. The worrier in me even had concerns that maybe there was something wrong with me... maybe I had a hormonal imbalance or was a herm.aphrodite or something. My mom was concerned. (Those worry genes are hereditary.) My doctor said he wasn't concerned until I turned eighteen. My friends who knew (I got to a point where I lied or avoided so that others would just assume that, of course I had it) said "What's the rush? I wish I didn't have it!"

If my cycle had regulated itself since my m/c, my period would have come this month on the thirteenth. It appears it's still a little off, though not too bad. Last month it was one week late, which would put me at the twentieth. I know it's coming... I'm having spotting and a little cramping. I'm anxious for it to get here. I just want to get started. I want to have a timeframe. I want to know I don't have to worry about the transfer interfering with our vacation in February.

It almost feels like I'm fifteen again.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I didn't send this...

... but I totally could have.

I'm still here....

Not a lot to tell... waiting for my period. Still having more crabby moments than positive... I started acupuncture again, though this time for mood and energy. FIL is definitely having a heart transplant. KB's kidney issues are very sucky right now. I'm very wrapped up in Peanut's health issues right now. She's still pooping blood. :( More tests and a new food to try this weekend.

So that's all I've got for now... just not much to say lately. :-/

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Attempting to be productive

First, I'd like to thank those of you who left comments on my delurking post. It's nice to know I have some readers... I notice from my feedjit that I tend to have a lot of visitors, but its hard to know how many are actually reading, how many are returning, or how many are just clicking in and out... Maybe it shouldn't matter as this blog was supposed to be a catharsis for me, but I find I like the idea that what I say might resonate with others...

For the last few months I have a tendency to want to spend my free time on the couch or in my bed. I just don't have a lot of motivation to do anything. So this weekend, I made a list that consists of both things I have to do and things I want to do. It had ten things on the list, and yesterday I crossed off three and a half. That might not seem like a lot, but I was pleased. It felt good to do something productive, even if it was only a third of what needs/wants to get done.

So I'm going to try to continue my productive streak today, despite the cold weather making me want to curl up under a blanket. Then again, one of the things on my list is to work on finishing the sweater I'm knitting, so maybe that's a good excuse.... :)

Trigger finger

Damn it.

I have several blogs. I have a family blog, a blog for myself where I'm keeping track of my fertility stuff in a place that is just details in case I want to share with others IRL, and this one.

I have, for the second time, posted a comment under the wrong blog. Not a big deal, probably, but in my attempt to remain anon on here it makes me nervous...


Friday, January 8, 2010

C'mon and delurk!

I'm a little behind, but Melissa tells us that 1/4-1/10 is Blog Delurking week!

So if you are a reader of my blog, I'd love to hear from you. Drop me a comment, say hi, and let me know if there are any questions you have or anything you'd like me to share on my blog. :) If you have a blog, I'd love to know about it as well.

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Update and apologies.

So I haven't gotten off to a great start, blogwise. I'm feeling a little... burned out? I feel like I'm just rehashing my pile of failures. Meanwhile, many, many women on my blogroll have recently become pregnant. So my first apology is that I've been absent from my blog, and my second is that I've been absent from yours. I want to be supportive, but I'm just in a place where I'm not sure I can read about so many others' successes.

As for my update- I talked to Dr. Z finally yesterday. (We had a "phone appt" at 2:45 but he didn't call until 3:30.) Let me start by saying that, while he didn't directly express this to me, Dr. Z is pissed. I could tell that he is not happy with with the Dr. my insurance company employs to consult on these decisions. He is not at all pleased that they are making us test and use the frozen embryos before we can attempt a new cycle. I think a big part of that comes from the fact that we've now been doing this for close to a year and a half and he feels bad about that...

Two things I am trying to keep in mind, though. 1) We are so lucky to have insurance cover this at all and 2) Dr. Z said that, regardless of the outcome of this cycle, it will definitely give us "genetic knowledge" of what the outcome of our previous cycle was in terms of how the inversion affected the embryos we have.

So, now to the nitty gritty.

Dr. Z will thaw all nine frozen embryos and each will have PGD. Any embryos that “survive” both the thaw and the biopsy will now be blastocysts. The hope is to transfer two blastocysts. If there are any additional blastocysts that survive and are high enough quality, those can be frozen too.

When he realized on what the insurance doc was insisting, Dr. Z a went back to look at other cases of PGD on frozen embryos at my clinic (I don't know if it was just for info or because he was trying to persuade the insurance company not to make us do it... my feeling is that it is the latter). He found 11 cases, and two of them resulted in pregnancy.

I asked if the gap between fresh PGD and frozen PGD cycles was greater than the gap between regular fresh IVF cycles and regular frozen IVF cycles (which, as we all know, already has a lower success rate for frozen) and he said definitely because there is already the possibility that thawed embryos won’t grow, and that the testing increases that chance.

So... It's a strange place to be in. I am certainly glad I won't be shooting up this cycle, and glad that we will be doing this immediately, where a fresh cycle takes so much longer. BUT... it doesn't seem like a very good shot. Kind of like the clomid cycle where we were away so we couldn't do an IUI but "tried" on our own. Ha.

Expecting CD1 around 1/13 (unless this cycle is not back to normal) and we'll go from there. If it's on time, I would expect the transfer to be around 1/30.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Good riddance... 2009. What a shitty-ass year.

To recap?
  • It started off with my beloved B-dog being diagnosed with lymphoma. I spent the next six months taking her to and from chemo treatments.
  • I had a tough group of kids in my teaching job and an administrator who not only is ineffective, but often makes the teachers' jobs harder.
  • After 3 failed IUIs , we had our first IVF attempt, only to find something was causing a failure to fertilize- 17 eggs, and none fertilized! They did a "rescue" that ended in a chemical pregnancy.
  • In June, B came out of the remission she had been in.
  • Labor Day weekend, my FIL had card.iac death and was revived with CPR. They put in a defibrillator.
  • The third week in September, I had a miscarriage.
  • That same week, we had to have B-dog put to sleep.
  • My FIL ended up back in the hospital when his defibrillator went off multiple times in one night. He saw a specialist about the possibility of a transplant. (Though it was decided he's "not quite there" yet.)
  • We found out that III has a chromosomal inversion which is contributing to our issues.
  • Meanwhile, at least three of my friends are pregnant and due and spring/summer.
We flew to visit my in-laws over xmas and it was a really rough trip for me. While III's family is very nice, I don't really fit in with them. This is always an issue when we visit, but this time my reserves were really down and I just didn't have the energy or ability to deal well with it. On top of that, we spent four out of five days with friends and family who have young kids. It's the first time that I had a really hard time being around others' children.

2009 topped off in the baggage claim of the airport coming home on Wednesday. I had barely just turned my phone on when it rang. It was a nurse from the RE's office. Insurance will not let us do a fresh PGD cycle until we use all of our frozen embryos. So apparently, they are going to do PGD on the frozen ones. I don't know why they didn't give us this as an option before, or how that changes our chances of a pregnancy because Dr. Z was not in on Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully I'll get to talk to him on Monday to get more details. There is an up side to this- no shots or ER this cycle, and if any of the embryos survive and are viable, we'll be able to cycle earlier... but it just feels like another complication in this whole overly complicated process.

So 2010? Bring it on. It has to be better than what '09 brought. (Please!!!)