Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Virtual hugs and old wives tales.

I'm feeling very sad for Caroline today. I read about what she's been going through, and can't even imagine how it must feel. I know how terrible I've felt through this process, and I've not done even a fraction of what she has had to go through. So I'm sending her good thoughts and comfort...

That is true about a lot of the blogger connections I have made. Women dealing with repeated miscarriages, terrible side effects from the hormones, BFN after BFN after BFN... as supported as I feel interacting with other women dealing with IF, it also sometimes makes me feel like I'm a big complainer. I've had 4 cycles, and aside from them not being successful, everything has gone pretty smoothly.

But I still don't have a baby... and so each month when it becomes clear that, once again, it's not going to be this cycle, I'm just so sad and defeated...

Thinking about my in-laws visit and what they must be thinking about our lack of a pregnancy reminded me of a funny story in all of this. I can't remember if I've told it before, but it made me smile today, so if so I'm telling it again.

When we first went for all of our testing, III called his mom because they also had trouble ttc. He wanted to get from her what the problem had been so that we had a full history for the doctor. She shared what they knew, and then, in her typical way, went on to talk about ttc and what we should do. She says to my (very reserved) husband "You should try having A stand on her head afterwards." III was like "Okay, thanks, we can stop talking about this now!"

I always feel like my in-laws are very sheltered and... well, provincial, almost... So I laughed about her suggestion and chalked it up to a typical-MIL naivete.

But then I got a call from my own mother. She had, on an earlier occasion, asked directly why we hadn't gotten pregnant yet (oh, mom. Not all of us are like you and my sister and can get pregnant if our husband looks at us right...) so I told her we were having testing done. The purpose of this call was to make sure that my husband was wearing boxer shorts instead of briefs so that he didn't "cook his sperm". Thanks mom. Super helpful. LOL. I said "You're as bad as MIL! She suggested I stand on my head!" and my mom said "Stand on your head??? That theory is sixty years old!" which she thought was funny until she did a little internet research on her own theory and found that one was about forty years old... *

Any other old-wives-tales that others have been recommended by well-intentioned friends and family?

*my understanding of this one is that it's still up for discussion but there has been no conclusive proof shown in studies that brief wearers have "cooked" sperm. :) And in our case, sperm count doesn't seem to be an issues...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Just another Manic Monday

It's Monday. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to come to school. I wanted to crawl on the futon where B-dog was snoozing and stay there with her.

My in-laws are coming this weekend. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My in-laws are very nice people, but there are not "my kind" of people. They are very different from my family, and have very different views from me. My MIL is midwestern-sweet, but she is also judgmental and opinionated and she can talk and talk. Now, I'm a talker, so that should give you an idea of just how much she talks! She talks to fill space. III and I don't 100% have the same views, but his family is so sheltered that they really have no idea how other people live. The comments they make about the financial choices people make are clearly from an entitled point of view. When they get started, it makes me want to climb walls. III's cousin is getting married this fall, and she and her fiancee put an offer on a house. III's mom told him, "I don't know why they chose that part of town." III said "What about that part of town? It's like ten minutes from her parents house," and his mom said "Well, it's just a very black neighborhood." OH NO! Not a BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD. III tells me it is actually pretty much a blue collar area, and that our friends, C and J, live near there. *sigh*

On the other hand, III has been so poopy lately, I'm hoping that having his parents here will cheer him up. He does miss his family. Unfortunately, it's also possible that they will bug the shit out of him and make him crankier. His mom has had a hard time since we got married realizing that her role has changed. This winter she called to tell III that she saw on the news that there was a winter storm coming our way and we should make sure to go grocery shopping. LOL. The man has two masters degrees, but she thinks he'll forget to buy 'bread and water' to last through the storm...

Finally, what's on my mind... in the news this weekend was a report about a family in a suburb right outside of the city. A man killed 2 of his young sisters and seriously injured a third. The police shot and killed him as he was attempting to stab the third sister. They are a Haitian family who have reportedly lived in that town for 20 years. One of the sisters who was killed and the other sister who was injured were extended family members who were adopted by the parents. The girls who died were 17 and 5. The story the papers are reporting claim that the seventeen year old, after being stabbed herself, took steps to try and make sure her younger sisters were safe. She was a senior in high school, and by all accounts was a sweet, smart, talented girl. They often say that about kids who die, don't they? But she was on the honor roll, and they published a poem she had written and was going to share at a local poetry jam. The pictures of her broke my heart- I've lost 3 former students since I began teaching. Two of the three really were phenomenal kids, though each in different ways. (The third was also a very nice young lady who's friends and family miss her greatly, so I don't mean to diminish her death... But it would take too long to explain why the death of the other two affected- and still affects- me so.) So it brings back those feelings.

And to be fully honest, the fact that she was a young black girl who was transplanted here from Haiti when her father died, and then went on to take advantage of all the opportunities that offered her... that just breaks my heart too. In my mind is What a waste! Not a waste of life, because I'm sure her friends and family and teachers all feel blessed to have their lives touched by hers, but what a waste of a future! To some extent that's true whenever someone young dies, but I feel it even more strongly with certain kids. That's how I feel about the two students I spoke of above, and from the (extensive- I'm addicted to G.oogle) reading I've done about this girl I'm positive it's how her teachers feel about her.

So that situation is very much on my mind and my thoughts go out to the family, friends, and community of these poor girls. Especially the teachers, with whom I can relate the most, and to the parents, who have not only to deal with the loss of their daughters, but with the madness and consequential death of their son as well.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Date night: It's a bust.

Last night, III and I had the date night I had been planning all week. It was a surprise for him- he knew we were having a date, but didn't know where we were going. I made reservations at a Greek restaurant I'd been wanting to try, and then got tickets to a 3-D showing of M.onsters vs. A.liens.

Dinner was pretty good and it was nice to sit and relax. The theater is inside of a home store (kind of weird...) and so as we were walking back to the theater, we passed a tv where one of the N C A A bball games was playing. He said "You have to pick up the tickets, right? I'm just going to watch for a minute..." I figured he'd meet me upstairs- turns out, he thought I was going to come back down for him.

I got in line after picking up the tickets, because it was already pretty long and I wanted to get good seats. Ten minutes goes by... fifteen... twenty... finally I see III walk in. I don't know if he could see me or not, but the line started moving- it was a wrap around line, so as I came to one end I called his name- and he gave me this look. It's one I have seen before and it makes my heart drop into my stomach. It's a hard look to explain, but it's basically like "WTF do you think you're doing?" I stood in line for twenty minutes while he watched basketball, and he couldn't even take the initiative to GET IN LINE where I could have at least passed him his ticket. So I had to get OUT of line, and go to him. I was SO PISSED I literally barely spoke to him for the rest of the night. Way to ruin a date... He knew I was mad, but didn't address it other than trying to hold my hand during the movie and kissing me on the forehead before we went to sleep. That's pretty typical of him- I'm usually the one who has to bring up whatever issues there are, though when I do he will talk about it. But it gets old!!!

This morning at breakfast (we always go out Sunday morning) he told me that he thought I was coming back out for him. (Not thrilled by this- why do I have to be the one to make the extra effort???) I told him that, while I was annoyed he took so long, what really pissed me off was the dirty look he gave me. He said "I didn't mean to give you a dirty look," and I told him it's something he does a lot. He wanted to know what the look was, but it's so hard to explain it. But it bothers me enough that I even clearly remember the first time it happened. Then I told him "Things have just felt so crappy between us lately and I feel like I'm the only one who's making any sort of effort!" He didn't really respond to that.

You can bet it's the last time I'm going to plan something like that for a while. I know work is frustrating for him right now, but I feel like he doesn't even see how I'm feeling about things- he's just totally wrapped up in his own stuff.

It's hard- I know there is only so much one person can control, but I'm trying to do my part to make things better and it feels like my efforts are just wated. I just feel like I'm giving a lot more support than I'm getting. :(

Friday, March 27, 2009

Pin-ups

III loves to work out. He's always on a mission to find new and diverse workouts that challenge his stamina and make him stronger. One way he does this is through websites like t-n.ation dot com. These sites have legitimate health and fitness information, but they are geared towards men, so they also have, what I old fashionedly refer to, as pin-ups. The ones on t-n.ation tend to be more fitness competitors, but they're still super skinny and practically naked (and airbrushed). Like this:
I didn't used to have issues with my boyfriends looking at pictures of models like this. I didn't even have a problem with p.orn (to a reasonable extent). But now it bothers me... I think there are a number of reasons for this...

I've gained at least ten pounds since we got married. I know ten isn't a terrible amount, but it's not just the weight- I was really toned, especially in my abs area. I did pilates twice a week, and walked B-dog twice a day. I also (though I didn't know it at the time) had a s.mall i.ntestine b.acterial o.vergrowth... so I guess that wasn't a good thing, but damn! I looked good! I'm not as disciplined about exercise anymore, and I'm actually absorbing my nutrients, so now there's more padding and less shape. I worry that III will be disappointed that I don't look like that anymore. He says he's not, but then I know he looks at these sites 3-4 times a week...

Also, we've been kind of in a slump lately at home and in our relationship. It's not terrible, but... for example, we haven't had s.ex in three weeks. :( I feel like he doesn't want to. I know we're both tired and stressed out, but it's hard not to take it personally.

Finally, there is the issue with III and p.orn. I may or may not decide to go into the whole thing at some point, but lets just say when he first moved out here and was away from his family for the first time and had no friends, he developed a habit. I didn't find out about it until after we were married and... well, it's a long story. But let's just say, for the first time, I now have a real issue with p.orn when it comes to III. I do feel that these pin-ups are not the same thing, but they are in the same general arena. If you know anything about p.orn addiction (which I read all about early on in our marriage...) you know that even pictures like these can cause an issue. I no longer am concerned that III was ever a full out addict, but there was a problem, and I don't want there to be again. (Which is why I tend to check his history on his computer- and he no longer deletes it because he knows I will look and if it's deleted, then I have reason to suspect he's been on those sites... That's how I know about the pin-ups.)

But the general issue isn't about III's deal with p.orn. And I can't put it all on him- I could decide to work out more and eat differently... but I didn't have to do that as much before, and I seem so much more tired now. (Though I recognize the catch-22 here... if you work out more, it's supposed to give you more energy, but I'm having a hell of a time finding the energy to work out...) It's about my insecurities. I used to get a lot of attention when I was single from my body. Now I don't need the attention because I'm married, but I worry that how I look will affect the attention I get from the one person from whom I do want it.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The history of III and me: part III

Today I walked by one of my coworkers in the hall- she was my mentee her first year teaching here- who recently got engaged. Her wedding is this summer and, during the planning stages, she has asked me for some recommendations since my wedding wasn't all that long ago.

She has a very pretty solitaire ring and walking past her today made me think of when I first got engaged. I realized that I had yet to type out part III of my history story. :) (Part 1 and Part 2 are here...)

As III and I approached 6 months of dating, I started to get a little nervous. I had in my head that 6 months in a relationship is a real turning point- you either get serious or you get out. I also remembered III saying something to me about that 6 month mark (although it turns out, he probably didn't- I either misunderstood him or interpreted it turning it into a faux memory...). Being the ruminator I am, I went over and over in my head a conversation I planned to have with him- that if he started to feel like this wasn't going to get serious, I'd rather he tell me than just fade away, like many people (okay, many guys) tend to do in that situation.

Mid-April, III spent the night at my place on a Friday night. Most Saturdays I worked at my second job, bartending at a local theater. This particular Saturday was the first in months that I wasn't scheduled to work, and I was looking forward to spending the beautiful spring day with III. We went to breakfast and then back to my place. At about 1:00, III says to me "I need to head out to my friend's house. I told him I'd help him put in a pull up bar." Out loud I said "Oh. Okay..." We had plans later to have dinner anyway. But in my head, I thought "See! I was right! He doesn't even want to spend the day with me! He's getting tired of me..."

(What I later found out was that he was going to pick up the ring. The jeweler was his friend's mom, and in order to make sure he was being truthful he stopped by his friend's after picking up the ring and shoveled the last shovelful of concrete for the pull up bar. :) )

What I didn't know, was that III had a plan for our evening- we were supposed to go to dinner in the Italian district and then take a walk downtown. Mid-day (before III left), my cousin called to say he was in town and to see if we wanted to have dinner. Not knowing that III's plan had a purpose, I said "Sure!" We planned to meet at 6 for dinner. At about 4, my cousin called me and said they were going bowling... could we push dinner to 6:30? At 5 he called and pushed it to 7. As I was driving to III's to begin the evening, my cousin called again- they were running late. By the time I got to III's, I was completely irritated. I told him "At this rate, we won't eat until after 8!"

At this point, III had the ring waiting in his nightstand drawer for it's outing. He had originally planned to propose after dinner. Knowing that "after dinner" was getting further and further away, he decided he couldn't wait. He nixed his plan to propose downtown and went and got the ring from his nightstand.

"I went shopping today and bought you something," he told me. I was surprised, but expected he had gotten a little something for me at CVS or something. "It has your name written all over it."

"But it's a surprise. You have to close your eyes."

I am not a fan of surprises. It's part of my control issues. I don't like not knowing what is going to happen. Plus, III is a jokester, so honestly, I was a bit nervous about what he might do to me when I had my eyes closed. So I protested, "Why do I have to close my eyes? I don't like surprises! I don't want to close my eyes! I'm scared!" "Just close them!!!" He insisted.

So I closed my eyes, complaining the whole time. When III told me "Okay, you can open your eyes," I was greeted with the sight of a widely grinning III, holding a box with a diamond ring in it.

"Will you marry me?"

If I'm going to be honest, my first thoughts were not that romantic.

"Is he teasing me?" (The grin I saw was very similar to the one he has when he is teasing me!)
"We've only been dating six months!!!" After such a long term relationship as I had in my past, I always had it in my head that you should date for a year before you got engaged...
"Is he serious????"

The last one is what I said.

"Are you serious?"

The smile faded a little. "Yes, I'm serious!"

"Are you sure???"

Less smile: "Yes! I'm sure!"

"How do you know?"

"I just know!"

I was panicking a little. I had been completely unprepared for this. I thought he was going to break up with me! "It's only been six months!" kept echoing in my head.

Poor III was stunned... he told me later he was on the verge of tears.

"Please say yes..."

I looked at the gorgeous ring in III's hand and then at his face. What was wrong with me? I loved this man!

So I said "Yes!" (And haven't looked back since! :))

First person I called was KB. She didn't answer her phone. "Where are you when I need you??" I asked her voice mail. "I have to tell you something!!!"

I hung up my phone and III said "You should probably call your parents. They're waiting for the call." What??? "You called my parents?" I asked.

III had never met my parents- we live in a completely different part of the country than they do. He didn't want me calling and saying "Hey, I'm engaged to this guy you don't know..."

So when I was in the shower the previous week, he went into my Outlook on my computer and got my dad's email address. He emailed my dad, and my dad sent him his phone number. When I did call my parents, I got the rest of the story.

When III spoke to my dad, he told him "I've been dating your daughter for six months now. I really love her- she's my best friend and I can't imagine spending my life without her. I wanted to ask your permission to marry her."

My dad (and this is so typical for my family) told III "If you know my daughter well, and I hope you do, you'll know that what I say won't contribute a hell of a lot to her decision!" Ha ha ha, dad...

When KB called me back, her first question was "What's wrong?" I said "Do you want the long story or the short story?" She said "Just tell me what is wrong and then I'll decide!" "Well... I got a new piece of jewelry today..." "Are you engaged??" she asked... Out of all of my friends and family, she was probably the most excited for me (well, next to my mom).

Everyone was as surprised as I was by the proposal. I think they were also surprised when they found out that our wedding would be just six months later- coincidentally, exactly one year from the day we first exchanged emails.

Sometimes it still surprises me that I'm married- and next month it will be three years since we got engaged! I was never a big jewelry or gem person, but as I mentioned before, I love my engagement ring and wedding band. I hated the wedding planning process, but buying our wedding rings was one part I loved. Unlike the dress, and the flowers, and the cake, which were all just for one day, it was the part that would be with us every day as a symbol of our marriage. During the ring exchange at my cousin's wedding, the JP said "May these rings be your most treasured adornment and your love be your most treasured possession," and I love that because it is exactly how I have felt about my rings.

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I'll take off my wedding band and look at how my hand looks with just my engagement ring, remembering the wonder of first having it on my finger and the excitement of what that meant...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Random thoughts....

  • If I had a job that started later (or, even better, was part time!) there is so much I could do in the mornings. Work out, walk the dogs, play with them in the backyard, sit with a cup of coffee and a book to relax before heading out... and sleep later, of course! I spent a couple of minutes in the backyard with the pups this morning throwing a frisbee with M-dog. He was so excited!
  • I planted spring bulbs in November- tulips and daffodils. The little green shoots started coming up a few weeks ago and have grown quite a bit. The last few days we've had a cold snap and it's been below freezing. I hope they survive! I've gotten a cold from all this changing weather, so I hope they are hardier than I am. It's my first year trying spring bulbs, so I don't know what to expect.
  • I'm feeling a bit disconnected from III lately. Even when we are home together, I feel like we are doing completely separate things and on different wavelengths. I'm hoping to do a date night this weekend to reconnect.
  • Speaking of... what the heck is up with movie tickets? I looked online this morning (something else I could do if I could get a later start in the morning) and at the 3D theater it's $11.50 per person!!! Even the regular theaters are $10! I remember we had the "dollar theater" in my hometown growing up. It showed second or third run movies, but I don't think second and third run theaters even exist anymore! At least not where I live...
  • KB had this crazy procedure done last week to break up kidney stones she had, and she did not react well and is sick at home. Her husband even took some time off of work to take care of her. She is not the toughest trooper, in that she has a low tolerance for pain and discomfort, but this one has me worried about her. Send her some healing thoughts!!!
  • While my late arrival to school got me a crappy parking space quite a bit away from the building, one of the back doors was unlocked (when you approach my school from the drive, you approach the back of the school, so usually you have to walk all the way around to get to the unlocked front doors... just poor planning...). The copy machine was working (it wasn't yesterday when I left) and there was no line. I had about half a period before the kids came, so I had some time to relax and drink my coffee... ahhhhhh.
Not so random- my IUI went a little more smoothly today. III's count was a bit lower but his motility was 4x higher, so that's nice. I got there a little early and so, amazingly, they called me a bit early so I was out by 5 minutes after my appointment was scheduled. Definitely more relaxing than yesterday. The nurse was nice too- she commented on how easily the catheter went in, and said "You're pregnant! I already know it." A nice thought, but I still don't have super high hopes. What I do have is cramps, so at least ovulation appears to be on schedule...

I hope all my IF blogger buddies are having a better day today- it seems like a lot of us are in a slump and having tough times and bad news. {{{hugs}}} to you all, girls!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Do you believe in miracles?

Because it's starting to look like that is the only way I'm going to get pregnant this cycle.

After over 1000 ius of FSH spread out over 8 days, I ended up with only one measurable follicle. Way to go, ovaries! Then today I went for my first of 2 IUIs (the next is tomorrow morning). After waiting for half an hour (I tried to be relaxed, but I had to get back to work by 10:43 to teach my next class...) because apparently they had more patients than they had rooms available, the nurse tells me (as I'm sitting there commando in my sweater and paper blankie) that III's numbers weren't great today either. I think she was being nice. While his count was nice and high, his percent motile was only NINE. Last time it was 41% and the day before that it was 62%. I can't remember the last time we had sex, and I remember when they did his SA they said it should be between 3 and 5 days since his last... *ahem*. It's definitely been over a week... so could that have influenced it?

Anyway, the point being that, even though I know it takes only one of each, with my one egg and his lazy sperm, it's looking like conception from this cycle is pretty unlikely. I was so bummed. I worked on not breaking into tears on the way back to work, since I had to get up in front of a bunch of teenagers and they're quick to point out anything they notice about your appearance. I called III just to say hi, and that made me feel a little better- at least not on the edge of tears. I got to school with ten minutes to spare, and was surprised by 3 former students who had come for a visit- one who had been quite needy and attention seeking as an eighth grader and who I felt like I had really helped and made a difference. (Unfortunately, they skipped class at the high school to come by! I scolded them for that, but considering my morning I was secretly pleased to see them for my own sake...)

I told the secretary I'd be late tomorrow morning and got a sub for first period. So I can sleep in a little and go straight to the clinic. I also arranged to have acupuncture this afternoon. I was hoping to go right after school, but they don't have an appointment until a little later. I was originally planning on going home, walking the dogs, and then going, but I think I'd feel rushed and that's the last thing I need right now... so I guess I'll stay at school, do some grading (my grades for this term are due tomorrow anyway) and go from here. Hopefully, I can still fit a walk in when I get home.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

I don't suppose it would be appropriate...

...if I crawled back into bed and didn't leave the house until I get pregnant? I have everything I need here... food, exercise (we have a rarely used elliptical machine in the basement), HDTV, DVDs, internet... my dogs are wonderful company.

I guess I'd have to go to the clinic, since we're obviously not able to get pregnant 'the old fashioned way'. But neither is anyone else there, so it wouldn't be the same as going to school and seeing my pregnant coworkers or the mall and seeing the mommies pushing newborns in baby carriages. I'd send III to the grocery store so I didn't need to see people buying diapers and baby food...

(I guess I'd also have to avoid facebook, because part of the point of this plan is so that I don't have to see all the people who are getting pregnant the "normal" way and seemingly without any trouble, and each of them seem to post their news/ultrasound pics/baby pics on their status and profile pics. But I digress...)

I could also wear my yoga pants and a sports bra every day. How comfy! I could stay barefoot. Even underwear would be optional!

Anyone want to join me?

Feeling crappy.

I am all around feeling like crap today. Late yesterday I started to feel like I was getting sick. I stuck some z.icam up my nose and took some a.irborne. I also took some nighttime cold meds before bed, but this morning I have a sore throat, am headachey and stuffy. Yuck.

I had to get up at 7 this morning to go to the clinic for my u/s and bloodwork. Still only one follicle. *sigh* WTF? I know it takes only one to get pregnant, and I know that some people are unable to even produce that, but considering I've been told I produce that on my own what am I sticking myself for every day for the past eight days if it's not going to have an effect??? And my estrogen is only at 392 but they are going to have me trigger tonight. I didn't talk to anyone because they called while I was napping and left a message, but it feels like a wasted cycle to me.

I just told III that the IUIs are tomorrow and Monday so he'll have to do a drop off in the morning and he seemed irritated. What is HE irritated about?? All he has to do is do his thing into a cup and drop it off before work. At least my appointments for the IUIs work out well for my schedule. I teach first period and then have 2nd and 3rd off both Monday and Tuesday so that shouldn't be a problem. Maybe I'll see if I can get a sub on Tuesday first period so I can sleep in a little and go straight to the clinic.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pessimistic

I'm sitting around waiting for the nurse to call with results and directions.

I had an u/s and bloodwork at 9am this morning. I'm on CD 10 after a week on B.ravelle. When I had the u/s and bloodwork done on Wednesday, my left ovary had 5-10 unmeasurable follicles and my right had 2-4 unmeasurable and one that was 13mm. My e.strogen was at 51. They upped my meds for 3 days to "speed things up." So I was disappointed when the tech told me today that I still had nothing measurable on the left and, still, only one measurable on the right- now 16mm.

I know it's only day 10... so maybe some more will pop up in the next few days. But they stepped me up because the c.lomid wasn't really doing anything for me. I do ovulate on my own, and the doctor explained to me that the c.lomid wasn't helping me produce much more than I do on my own.

Now it seems like - and this is my perspective without yet talking to the nurse - neither is the FSH. Why am I not responding to these meds????

While I've been typing this, my result came on the clinic's online portal. Again, 5-10 unmeasurable on the left, 2-4 on the right, one at about 16.4mm. My e.strogen is at 256. My peak during my other cycles were over 700.

Ok- the nurse just called. She said I had an e.strogen of 256 "which is a nice rise" and one measurable but "lots of small follicles". So that sounds positive. More meds tonight and another u/s tomorrow at 7:45 am. ugh. There goes my sleeping in...

I don't know. Maybe this is normal and I'll have more follicles in the next day or two. My first round of c.lomid I had 3 on CD12 but my third round I only had one.

I really hoped this would work this month. I know there's more time to go, but I feel like my hopes are really down...

This sucks.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Friday post #2

I know I already posted today, but this is really important:

I need suggestions about what to do about my dark circles under my eyes.

I went to go to the bathroom and looked I in the mirror- what the...? Who punched me in the face???

At first I thought it was my make-up choice for the day- I did something a little different. But when I looked closer, I realized all my eye make-up was still in place. The circles are showing through my boi-in.g cover up.

Part of it is just hereditary. A lot of my family have the dark circles. But the boi-in.g usually takes care of those. Am I just too tired? Stress? Did I age extra amounts this week???

Cucumbers? Ice? Pancake make-up? A nap? Thank goodness it's Friday.

It's such a bad habit...

I have a constant curiosity about my exes.

It's not any sort of longing to be with them. I actually have no ex whom I look back and think "I wish that could have worked out." Each one didn't work out for a very good reason, and there are so many ways each day that it is clear to me that things worked out the way they are supposed to. That III is who I should be with.

Somehow, I still seek out information on these men- two in particular, though periodically others. I don't know why. I know it's a terrible habit that is sometimes even unhealthy, but I continue to do it. I know I shouldn't. I'm embarrassed by the compulsion. I don't even confess it to my therapist. But the internet makes it so easy and so tempting...

My college boyfriend, M, is remarried and living something like 2000 miles away. His wife keeps a (public) blog of stories and pictures of their family and their kids. They have 2- a boy (3 I think) and a girl (just over a year). This is my boyfriend who I was with for 6 years- we planned to get married. (This is the same one from my facebook quandary.) While I have no desire to be with him- it's been something like seven years since we broke up and I don't even know him anymore- I was so stung and saddened when we broke up, and even more so when, less than a year later, he got engaged to this woman to whom he is now married. So I guess there is a piece of that that sticks in my gut- maybe it's my pride that's scarred?

Anyway- this post does have a point. I looked at their blog yesterday. (Bad girl! Bad!) Lots of new pictures of their adorable kids. It hurt me in a new way- here is this man with whom I thought I would have kids, who has 2 with his wife and gets to be a daddy. Here am I- with someone with whom I so want to have babies, and we can't. Worst of all- WE DON'T KNOW WHY. Is it me? Is it him? Is it us together? Would each of us be able to conceive with someone else?

I don't want M... but I want that life. I want to have a family. I want to be a mommy. I want to watch III be a daddy.

*sigh*

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Parent-up!

I am so pissed right now. So tired of my job.

I am aware that I am not a parent. (Don't I get constant reminders of it lately???) But I have been teaching middle school for ELEVEN YEARS. I've been at my current school for ten. At an average of 85 students a year, that means I have had daily interaction with over nine hundred teen.agers.

I understand that when I was 23 and brand new to this profession that parents questioned my opinions. I was inexperienced, I was young- barely out of school myself. But I definitely think I've earned my stripes.

High school articulation and course recommendations always bring out the squeaky wheels. Parents who I haven't head from, even after poor progress reports, regularly missing homework, and comments on the report card like "frequently off task" suddenly are calling and telling me they are sure that their child is capable of taking a higher class. Fine. Call the high school and override my rec. You're not going to bully me into changing my mind.

Today's morning phone conversation really set me off. I got an email from the parent of a student that I have who, while he is a nice kid who does not have any sort of attentional or learning d.isability. He is just very social and unfocused in class. This is true in his other classes as well. I have had a parent conference with his parents as have the other teachers on my team. It is clear that they are not consistent with him regarding consequences.

These parents have decided that they want their son to take the accelerated class. After two passive emails that said "Feel free to contact us if you would like to discuss the placement," (No thanks. I think I was pretty clear.) I received an email that asked me to directly call them.

I won't go into all of it, because it's long and boring, but basically the kid isn't paying attention in class. He is choosing to socialize with his friends rather than pay attention. While I do have consequences for this b.ehavior, there is only so much I can do and so he is now experiencing the natural consequences.

When I spoke to the mother today about his behavior and about why I did not feel the accelerated high school class was a good match for him, she said to me "Well, the inattention we can deal with because, based on what I know about teen.agers, that is just eighth grade b.ehavior." I said "In my experience from my ten years of teaching, I know that he is making the choice to behave in this way in class, and that it is not appropriate choice for an eighth grader." Urgh. She was borderline rude to me through the whole conversation and then basically implied to me that I didn't know how to be sensitive to the needs/b.ehaviors of teen.agers.

Now they have requested a meeting with me to discuss this. Fine, but I'm not going to tell you anything new and I'm not changing my recommendation. I told them I was happy to meet with them, but that I wanted their son at the meeting as well.

I'm SO TIRED of this. So many parents I deal with do not take responsibility for RAISING THEIR KIDS and don't expect their kids to take responsibility for their own actions. They ask me to contact them every time their kid misses a homework assignment- I HAVE EIGHTY STUDENTS. Would you prefer that I spend my time preparing and teaching your children, or making phone calls every time a fourteen year old does not do what is reasonably expected of him/her. So many of my students are so indulged and enabled. We have had parents who have kids who are failing and when they say "We don't know what to do!" and we tell them "Take the TV, the telephone, the computer, the Play.Station out of his/her room!" What do you think the response is? Often times: "He'll get mad!" "She won't let me!" "I can't do that!" Okay then. Stop calling me and asking me what to do.

I think I am getting close to done with this job. I hear from teachers who are more veteran than I (20+ years) that this is getting worse and worse. Teachers are expected to "raise" the kids.* President O.bama has even addressed this on multiple occasions.** "...it is up to us to ensure they walk through them. In the end, there is no program or policy that can substitute for a parent -- for a mother or father who will attend those parent/teacher conferences, or help with homework, or turn off the TV, put away the video games, read to their child. I speak to you not just as a President, but as a father, when I say that responsibility for our children's education must begin at home. That is not a D.emocratic issue or a R.epublican issue. That's an American issue."

Tonight is a night I could really use a glass of wine... Which is worse? The stress being caused by my job or a glass (or two) of wine that will help me to de-stress?

I'm just so frustrated.

*Please know that I am aware this is not true about every, or even the majority of parents. However, the parents for which it is true (and their kids) take up the majority of my time and energy, which takes away what I have left for the other kids. And the number for which this is true gets bigger every year, draining teachers' time and energy more and more.

**2 examples: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/08/28/barack-obama-democratic-c_n_122224.html and http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/02/24/sotn.obama.transcript/ (this last is where the quote above comes from.)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sunny day.

I'm feeling surprisingly chipper today. I was even able to sit and listen to SS tell me all about her discussion with our boss about her pregnancy and her plans for her maternity leave. (Of course, my listening was basically a closed mouth smile and some "mmm-hmm"s while I multi-tasked and checked my email....)

Why is it surprising? Well, aside from yesterday's post, I had to get up at 5am so that I could go have my baseline u/s and blood tests (CD7 after 4 days of Bravelle, no measurable follicles on the left, one 13mm on the right). 5am is never a happy time for me.

I was in and out in 15 minutes, though, and still had time to stop for coffee AND I got a parking spot! (Something that is often impossible at my school if you get here after 7:20am. My 7:18am arrival scored me one of the last four spots...) I think the sunny weather helps too. It's supposed to be SIXTY today! Unfortunately, I probably won't get to take advantage of it since I get out of work at 2:30, have acupuncture at 3, and therapy at 4:30.

Update on III- he was feeling better last night, and I would like to think I helped contribute to that. Work is still shitty and he's very frustrated. He talked to his supervisor, who is completely inept so that was unhelpful, but at least he knows he's done what he can. And I probably feel better knowing I did what I can. He really appreciated the card and gift and said it made his day better. He had a doctor's appointment, so he was able to leave work early for that and was home by five. I made pizza for dinner, and I shaved my legs! And we all know what that means... ;-) Maybe that's contributing to my good mood too...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rough

Okay. Things just kind of suck right now.

Getting up in the morning and coming to school gets harder and harder. My job is exhausting me and I'm just not enjoying it right now. Every morning my alarm goes off and I just want to pull the blankets up over my head and go back to sleep.

III is feeling that times ten. He is extremely unhappy at work right now. He hates the squad he's on and he's feeling like he's getting taken advantage of from every angle. He comes home and is tired and cranky and defeated. This morning, I could just see him fighting to make himself go to work. He was so visibly miserable. He has even started talking about quitting his job and going back to work for his dad (which frightens me as that would mean a move 1500 miles away...).

You know how they say that women are venters and men are fixers- that when a couple has a conversation, often times the woman just wants to vent and have someone listen, but the guy always wants to "fix" it? Well, I'm a fixer. It comes from my dad- he's totally that way too. I need to have a plan and know that I'm doing something to try to make things better. So I hate seeing III like this because there is really little I can do. I have no control over what happens at work. All I can do is to be as supportive as I can at home, but between my own work stuff and this ttc stuff, I'm not doing so great myself.

As I mentioned yesterday (and elaborated on in the comments) I bought some cards yesterday. I bought one for III. It said "everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end." Then I went online and bought him a gift certificate for a massage. (This place near our house has a special for first time clients.) I wrote him a note and put in the gift certificate. I slipped it into his lunch bag this morning while he was in the shower, so when he eats his lunch he'll find it (hopefully!). I hope it makes his day a little better and reminds him that we're in this together and that things will get better.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Quotable...

I went shopping for some cards today to tell some of the important people in my life just how much they mean to me.

I found this one and bought it- for myself. It made me think of this whole baby making process...
(Happiness is a journey, not a destination. For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. ~Souza)

Quotable Cards


My newest worry.

I very much appreciate the benefits I am getting from joining this IF blogging community. It's helpful to read about others who feel the same way I do, to learn from the experiences of those who are further along in the process than I am, and honestly it's good for me to be concerned about what other people are going through and not so focused on myself.

The only downside to this is that I find myself thinking about IF more than before, if that's even possible! True, sometimes I'm thinking about it in terms of others, but it is on my mind quite a bit. Being who I am, that leads me to Google. Some of the articles I read talks about there being a higher incidence of health issues and disabilities in children born through assisted reproduction techniques. I know that some of that has to do with premature births related to conditions that affect the ability to carry a baby to term. But it also makes me worry about my eggs. And III's sperm. What if there is something wrong with one or the other or both and that is why we haven't been able to conceive? What if that is the case and we conceive through ART - will the health of our babies be compromised?

(The totally inappropriate side of me, which is completely magnified being married to a LEO- have you ever heard some of the conversations a group of macho men have???- can't help but think of the movie Brighton Beach Memoirs. "You cant marry your cousin, you'll have a baby with nine heads!")

It's a useless worry. I can't imagine not trying to have a baby. I guess I can bring it up with my doctor- we have a meeting scheduled at the beginning of April to go over this cycle. I should start a list of questions... I'm starting to have more and more...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Naughty dog!

I'm so mad at M-dog!!!

We just went for a long walk around our neighborhood. It's beautiful outside and there were more people out than I've seen most other times we've walked. People who even said hello! :)

We got home and III was sitting out on our front porch reading. I took the dogs off the leash so the could say hello. They both lay down in the sun while I deadheaded my rosebushes, which had some shriveled buds from the fall.

Next thing I know, I turn around and M-dog has run into the street. A guy had come running by on his bike with his dog. M ran up to them, and I couldn't see exactly what happened because my neighbors damn van was parked in front of our house, but the dogs started getting aggressive. The man on the bike kicked out at M-dog (I don't blame him- he wanted to protect his own dog) so by the time I ran over, M had backed off.

The thing is, I know most of the time the aggression is mostly show for M-dog, but this poor guy and his dog don't know that. I also have met that dog before, and he's very young and very hyper and has a tendency to jump on other dogs. I'm not making excuses, because this was totally our fault. I hate when I'm walking the dogs and other dogs who are off leash come running up to us. But today that was my dog, and then he caused trouble! I'm so embarrassed. They guy was really nice about it, and his dog was fine, and they continued running (they passed our house another 2 or 3 times).

Usually both dogs are good when we have them out front with us (our backyard is fenced), but we definitely have to keep our eyes on M. I'll have to get some sort of line to put him on when we're out there because it appears we can't trust him. :(

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Pi day and other stories.

Did you know today is pi day? As in pi equals approximately 3.14 and today is 3-14. Don't worry, I'm not a total dork- I'm just a math teacher.

We used to do a whole day of activities around pi day at my school. Last year on pi day, one of my former students died of the flu complicated with MRSA. He was a brilliant pianist and mathematician, even at 15 years old. He was literally the type of person who would have grown up to do something amazing. And he was a wonderful, kind, loving person. Such a loss. I can't believe it's been a year.

Today, I took my first dose of Bravelle. I was so nervous that I would mix it wrong. I had my laptop next to me on the kitchen counter, watching the instructional video while I did it. The shot hurt more than my Ova.dril shots have in the past.

And I would kill for a glass of wine. This is the first month I've completely given it up. I figured it's time to try it all. I'm not gonna lie, though. If you were sitting next to me drinking a glass, I might french kiss you to get a taste...

The history of III and me: part II

(Part 1 here)

After our eventful second date, III and I would speak on the phone about twice a week and see each other about once a week- usually on a Thursday or a Saturday night. I really appreciated that he called when he said he was going to call and was up front about what he was thinking and feeling. I think he appreciated that I didn't call all the time. :)

We both had done a lot of dating and endured a lot of game playing. We both said "I'm not interested in playing 'the game'" but a lot of people say that, and then as you start dating you realize that they are just saying that because they are supposed to. As we got further into our relationship, some things highlighted that we did both mean it.

One week, III called me on a Wednesday night. He said "I just realized that I have to work tomorrow and you are working all weekend and so we probably wouldn't get to see each other this week. Do you want to come over tonight?" I thought about it for a minute and then said, "No, not really... I'm tired and I think I'm just going to hang out at home and watch TV." He was a little taken aback but said "Oh. Okay..." The next day we spoke on the phone. III said "By the way- when I invited you over yesterday, it wasn't just a booty call- I did really want to see you. But I was afraid it might have come across like that..." I laughed and said "No, I didn't think it was. But if it had been, don't worry. I wouldn't have been offended!" That was definitely a moment where we both realized the other was really being up front and not playing 'the game'.

Thanksgiving arrived, and we both headed out of state to visit our families. III left before I did, and coincidentally, my itinerary left me with about an hour in the airport in his hometown. While waiting for my flight, I called him to say hi. He later told me that, when he got that call, he found himself really excited to hear from me.

The day before I was headed back home, III called me. He was back already. We chatted for a bit and then he asked me if I wanted him to pick me up at the airport. Always independent (sometimes too much for my own good), I said "No, that's ok. I'll just take the train." III was a little taken aback, but as we talked about getting together we decided he would pick me up at the airport after all and then we'd go to dinner near my condo. When I got home, III commented, "I kind of missed you this week!"

The next month continued the way we had before Thanksgiving. My friends started to talk about my 'boyfriend', but I was adamant: "No... we have an 'understanding'". Because of this, I was really surprised when III showed up on my birthday with a gift for me (a sweater from one of my favorite stores).

I stayed in town for Christmas (I don't celebrate it anyway) and III headed back to visit his family for a week. We made plans to see each other the night he returned.

When he got home, he was pretty tired so I went over to his place. We were laying on the couch watching TV, and he said to me "You know how when we met we agreed this was going to be a casual thing? Friends with benefits?" Of course I remembered.... He said "Do you still feel that way?" Always guarded, I said "I don't know... why?" and he replied, "Because I don't." Yay!

We spent New Year's Eve together, and B-Dog and I stayed at his place for the first time. For the next two months, we still only saw each other about twice a week, and I regularly received emails that said "I miss you!" One morning, we were laying in bed at his place when III says to me "So...." In my head I thought, "Uh oh. 'So' usually means some sort of big announcement." "Not to get ahead of things here..." I was such a pessimist about relationships... I was sure he was going to say we were spending the night together too often or that he wanted to slow things down... instead he continued with "...but I think I'm falling in love with you." Oh. OH! My response? "Wow. Ok." I'm probably lucky he didn't run the other way! LOL.

It took me about two weeks to reciprocate. I got to a point where I knew I felt it, but I didn't know the right time or way to tell him. It ended up being on his birthday- he'd worked all day and then surprised me by showing up at the bar where KB and I were hanging out. I knew he had really made an effort to come and see me and was really touched. In the crowded, noisy bar I leaned over to whisper in his ear. I thanked him for being patient with me and assured him that very much loved him too.

About a month later, we were at my place when religion came up. I had been in an interfaith relationship before with M. Religion was often a difficult subject, and I think that our inability to come to some sort of compromise about it is part of why it didn't work out between us. III had never had that experience, and I was concerned he didn't realize what a big deal it was that he was Roman Catholic and I was Jewish. That night, I was clearly concerned and upset about the whole thing. The next day, I got an email from III telling me that he really loved me and was sure we could work through this. I appreciated his words, but was still concerned he didn't realize just how difficult this would be.

That was the last time I underestimated III. The next time I saw him, he sat me down on the couch and said "I want to talk to you, but you can't say anything until I'm done because if you interrupt me I'll forget my whole speech." Oh, how well he knew me already! He then told me he had spent the time since our religion conversation researching interfaith relationships. He had been online, bought a book, even talked to his mom. He decided he had to figure out what he was willing to do regarding religion, especially around three things: conversion, a wedding, and kids.

I was amazed. He'd done more in one week than M had done in six years! Everything he said showed thoughtfulness and that he had carefully considered my feelings and experiences. That day was a turning point....

To be continued...again....

Friday, March 13, 2009

So much to say...*

Lots of things floating around in my head today.

(Though Lisa tells me there is no 'overshare' on my blog, if there was, here's one coming up.) After a very weird morning, I finally got my period yesterday afternoon. Today it's almost gone again. Weird. It's like I got my entire period all in one afternoon- it was pretty heavy and included clots, which isn't normal for me. Very odd. But I did call the clinic and they have me taking 150iu on CDs 3 and 4 (Sat and Sun) and 75iu on CDs 5 and 6. Then I go in early Wednesday morning for an u/s and blood test so they can determine further dosage.

I literally stayed at school all day yesterday because it was our school's play, and if I had made the 25 min drive home I wouldn't have felt very motivated to drive back for the 7:30 production. They did Beauty and the Beast, and while it was definitely a middle school production, it was cute. I don't know what it is about musicals, but I get kind of choked up when there are those whole cast songs. I don't know if it's the kids or if the music really gets to me... though in professional productions I cry all the time. Sobbed both times I saw Miss Saigon and both times I saw Rent. Cried through "For Good" in Wicked... But then again, I cried through the end of the movie "The Express" the other day when III and I watched it, so maybe I'm just a sap. :)

One of the students who was in the production is a student of mine who is super needy. (Well, to be honest, I have a lot of students who are super needy but this is the one that is taking up most of my time and energy.) Lee has some major learning disabilities but what makes things more difficult are her social issues. She is very immature, has a strange way of interacting with other kids, and is very attention seeking. She is the type of student who can really get under a teacher's skin, but for some reason I have had a soft spot for her and have tried to be supportive and welcoming. Now I am her "favorite teacher", which sounds great. Except for a number of things... she struggles so much with the curriculum, the school offered her parents pull out small group classes for 3 of her subjects, including math. Her mom doesn't want her pulled out from math because Lee likes me so much. Great, except with her memory issues and learning disabilities she has been unable to keep up with the material, despite meeting with me 3x a week outside of class, and taking up what probably amounts to 1/3 of my time during class (and there are 17 other kids in the class). Last week she got a 35% on a quiz and cried and cried- I felt terrible! But the mom also doesn't want us to give her a "Pass" instead of giving her specific grades (A, B, C). I can make modifications, but that may not be enough for the levels of difficulties she's having. What can I say to this weeping girl in front of me when half the problem is that her mom doesn't want to make the hard choices?

On top of that, she is now in my room almost every morning before school and every study hall period we have. If there are other kids who need help, she gets irritated and acts out more and more to get my attention. Yesterday I had about 8 kids for extra help after school (it's my regular extra help day). I wasn't giving her enough attention, so she went and splashed water on her face and told me I had made her cry. Then, when that wasn't working, she purposely smashed her knee into a desk (a knee that has been injured for about 2 months and for which she is currently attending PT to help make it better) so that she could conjure up real tears, and then went to the teacher next door and told her I made her cry. (The teacher next door didn't believe it, so I'm not worried about that...)

This child is exhausting me. The more I try to meet her needs, the clingier she becomes. The English teacher said "She has imprinted on you!" (Twilight reference...) It's difficult because her mother is encouraging it, our guidance counselor isn't very effective this year, and she needs connections at the school and that's what I am for her right now.

Finally, B-dog had her chemo treatment this week. It was the same medicine that made her sick while we were away, so we've been keeping a close eye on her, but she seems to be doing fine. In the notes they give us at the end of every treatment, it stated that her mandibular lymph nodes were slightly pronounced but that they consider her to be in remission. I'm glad that's the case, and I should probably listen to the experts, but it makes me a little worried. I was trying to see last night if I could tell they were enlarged but they weren't enough that I would have noticed if they hadn't written that. They also said she only has 3 treatments left (every other week, so that's 6 weeks of meds left) and, on one hand, that made me happy. No more weekly vet trips. No more chemo cost. Fewer meds... but then I started thinking- what if the cancer treatments are what is keeping the lymphoma at bay, and as soon as they stop she gets sick again? The thought terrifies me. I just got hot all over typing it out. I guess when I talk to the vet, I should ask how likely that is... I know we're working on borrowed time here anyway, but I want more!

*also the name of a DMB song I used to listen to all the time in college with my boyfriend. If I was more creative and/or more musically educated, I could make every title of my post a song title, like they do the titles of Grey's Anatomy

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Again it begins...

It's here. CD1.

I think... my period is a little whacked this cycle, I think. I'm sure it's based on the last three months of clomid, and then not being on anything this month.

I'm nervous about this cycle. This is to "step things up" but I'm scared it won't work. I'm finding this online IF blogging community to be both helpful (I'm not alone! Others share the feelings I have!) and frightening (years of fertility treatments, miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, quadruplets!...). I both want to talk about it and don't want to talk about it. I guess what I really want is to be able to talk about it when I want to and turn it off when I want to. I can do that with one person in my 'real life'. But I'm a ruminator- I tend to talk-talk-talk-talk-talk when nervous. So I need to squelch that instinct, because if I do that to the people I see most often (coworkers) I can't turn it off when I don't want to talk anymore, because now they will feel entitled to that information. In fact, I have to figure out a way to tell SS, who already feels entitled to that information, that I don't want to talk about this cycle at all, without offending her.

I have to call the clinic soon to inform them of my CD1 status and get my instructions for the next two weeks. (I've had students in my room all morning- my first break will be at 11:36.) I'm also nervous, with all the spotting I've been having, that maybe my period hasn't really started. Where's the line between heavy spotting and light flow? (Ha. I hate that word- FLOW.) Using a tampon can blur that line, I think, but I just hate pads... I don't even have any in my house right now...

Was that an overshare? ;-)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The history of III and me...

I'm two and a half years into my marriage. I love the memories I have of our first months together, all of the important moments (first kiss, first "I love you", proposal, meeting the parents) and worry that as the years go on I'll forget the details of us falling in love.

What better place to record it than here? There are pieces of our story that we don't really share with others. But since this is anonymous for me (and despite my concerns of being discovered...) I'm willing to take the chance in order to preserve the stories.

When I met III, I had been single for four years after my six year relationship with my college boyfriend ended. I very much enjoyed the first three years of my single status. I had lots of fun dating and hanging out with my girlfriends. After the situation with R, and the resulting rebound ramifications, it just wasn't as fun anymore. I dated guys here and there over the next year, but in a lot of ways I started to prefer my own company, that of my dog, and my closest girlfriends, KB and AL (my cousin who lives out of state).

Then I met a guy on an H support site. He was a little older than me, and quite intense. At first I was flattered by the attention, but I quickly began to feel suffocated. When I told him I didn't think we were on the same page- that he was moving a lot more quickly than I was comfortable with- he got really upset and bummed out. The next day he sent me an email telling me he was "just that into me" even though he had "noticed I had some flaws". A day or two later, I got an apologetic phone call from him, saying he had spoken to his therapist and determined I "looked just like his ex wife" and he was taking out his issues with her on me.

I decided I was so done with dating.

But all of my friends were getting married and, while I was generally happy, I was lonely- I was surprised to find those two things aren't mutually exclusive. I wanted someone to pay attention to me, someone to spend time with. But I didn't want to deal with the crap that goes along with deciding if you want to begin a relationship with someone.

So I decided to place an ad on Craigslist. My ad said that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, but I was looking for someone who wanted to date regularly, wanted to go out, wanted to stay in... but wasn't necessarily looking to constantly assess "where is this going?" I realize this makes me sound a bit like a hussy, but my family has always had a pretty healthy, though liberal, take on s.ex and my main requirement is that there be a mutual level of respect.

I got over 100 emails. Many of them made it clear that they hadn't read my ad (which, btw, clearly said I had H but that I was very knowledgeable and careful about it). Others were obviously not going to give me that level of respect I required. There were actually only two that were worth responding to.

After an exchange of emails, and an understanding that we both were busy and really looking for more of a casual "friends with benefits" situation, III and I decided to meet up. I had rules for my first dates- always on a "school night" (allowing for an easy escape excuse if it was a bad date), I would drive myself (same reason as the first, plus safety reasons), we would meet in a public place (obviously) and meet for drinks (a short activity that could be extended if desired). III and I met on a Sunday night at a swanky Italian place on the "Rodeo Drive" of our city. I was anxious because I had trouble finding parking and was late. He was nervous (though I didn't find this out until later) because he had a big cold sore on his lip and was self conscious about it.

When the hostess asked if we were there for drinks or dinner, III told her "dinner". I guess he didn't know my rule... but it turned out ok. We had a nice time and chatted. He seemed reserved, but often times anyone seems reserved compared to me. ;)

At about 8:00, III said "I should get going. I have to get up early for work tomorrow." Hey! He used my excuse!!! I thought "This guy is so not interested. I'm never going to hear from him again..." He surprised me, though, by asking me, as he walked me to my car, if I was free on Friday night. We arranged that he would call me on Wednesday to make plans for Friday.

Sure enough, I got a call from him on Wednesday. (Throughout our courtship, one thing that always impressed me with III was that, if he said he was going to call, he called. Every time.) I had to work Friday night, so we arranged for him to meet me at the hotel where I worked after I finished my shift. For our second date, we went down the street from the hotel and had dinner and drinks. This time, III was much more animated and open. We had a nice time and really enjoyed each others' company. At the end of the meal, III got up to use the men's room right as the waitress brought our check. He stuck it in his shirt pocket with a grin. On our first date, he was distressed that I insisted on paying (he had answered my ad, after all), so he said "I'm taking this with me so you can't pay it while I'm gone."

Neither of us were ready for our date to end. We started to go for a walk in the park, but it was too chilly to be walking around outside. We decided to go back to my condo and watch a movie.

We got there and III was introduced to B-dog. We sat down on the couch to watch X-men II (one of the only guy-friendly movies I owned at the time!). About half way through, III leaned over and kissed me for the first time. He later explained to me that he was waiting for "the good part" (when they storm the school and all the kids escape) to kiss me.

The next part of the story is R rated (there's that hussiness again!) so I'm going to skip it. :)

When it was time for III to go, I had to walk B-dog anyway, so I walked him to his car. It was still pretty chilly out, so I looped my arm through his. He kind of stiffened, and I could tell right away he was concerned that meant I was going to get too clingy... obviously, he had a lot to learn about me...

To be continued....

I might be playing hookie...

I didn't go to work today.

In reality, I don't feel great. I'm a bit stuffy and I have a sore throat. However, I'm definitely not so sick that I can't do my job. And I couldn't even sleep in all that much since I had to take B-dog to the vet for her cancer treatments. But I did get to sleep a couple hours longer and if I need a nap, I'll get one.

I tend to rationalize it by telling myself that my body will easier fight off any illness I'm getting if I rest- which I'm sure is true. But in reality, I'm quicker to call in sick when I'm unhappy with my job... I guess that's probably true for most people. I do have a list of things I'd like to get done since I'm home. Right now, I'm still in my jammies, sitting on the couch watching Law and Order and snuggling with M-dog.

Yesterday, I got a delivery. It was a big box o'meds. Boxes of FSH and needles. Wow. I didn't realize stepping up to injectables was such a step up. I watched a video on the pharmacy's website that shows how to mix and inject the meds. I'm expecting my period tomorrow, so I guess we'll take it from there. Since I'm off sick today, I'm going to have an acupuncture appointment. And then the fun begins... :-/

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

(Un?)comfortably numb.

Apparently my school has scheduled one of our all-important state tests on the first day of Passover. Another teacher on my team in incensed. Apparently, because of our staffing, it was the only day they could do it to meet the state's deadline to get the tests back. Our town called the state to see if we could get an extension of a day or two and were told no.

So my team member, who keeps coming in to update me, has now called the superintendent, the town paper, and the ADL.

And I just don't care. I feel like I should care. I understand why she cares. But I just don't. If I was the type of person who didn't usually care about this stuff, I wouldn't think twice about the fact that I don't. But I usually am the type who, while I may not get as worked up as my team member, generally think it's important to respect different cultures and religions in this way. As one of, literally, the only Jewish students in my large high school growing up, I even tend to be pretty sensitive about that kind of thing, along with the quiet prejudices I hear and see around me. (And the loud ones. But I think a lot of people are sensitive to the loud prejudices.)

I am tired. And feeling a little numb lately, I think. So I just. don't. care. With a few notable exceptions, I feel like the things that would have elicited a strong reaction or feeling from me in the past just don't lately. I can't put my finger on what "lately" is, though. Is it just this week? The last month? Several months? Am I coming down with something? Should I stay home tomorrow to rest and ward it off? Or is it more of an emotional and spiritual ailment I have? I don't know the answer...

On a positive note, it's sunny out, I'm having a good hair day, and my jeans are the perfect length. Oh! And I'm wearing some of my Smartwool socks. Love those. :)


Monday, March 9, 2009

The weekend is definitely over...

I don't generally love Monday mornings. But today I have a number of gripes.

First of all, it's snowing. What the heck! It was 60 degrees and sunny yesterday, and now we have ice and snow. *sigh* I hate March.

Second complaint. I'm spotting. Ugh. After I went off the pill, this would happen to varying degrees the week before I expect my period. When I did acupuncture last summer, it seemed to help a bit. Months that I'm on clomid, I don't have spotting. It's not a big deal- I've had various tests done around it. It's just annoying. It's basically almost having my period for four to seven days before I get it for another 2-3 days. Fun stuff.



The thing that really has me in a foul mood, though, is III's job. I hate it sometimes. Often-times, lately. He volunteered to help out on another officer's case, and it has resulted in at least twice a week of evening work and/or weekend work. He worked yesterday from 2-9. Then he came home and told me that his Thursday night shift (during which I had made plans so I wasn't sitting at home alone with the dogs again) got changed to Tuesday night. When I complained he said "Well, lots of other people are making more sacrifices than I am for this case." Wrong answer!!! Those guys ARE ASSIGNED TO THAT CASE. He's doing this work plus his regular work!

As if that wasn't enough, at 4am his phone rang. I won't (and probably shouldn't) go into details, but basically there was an issue with a source and forty five minutes later III left to go deal with it- which made me nervous. Luckily, he's a good doobie and text messaged me at 6:30 to tell me he was finished and he was safe.

People always ask me if his job makes me nervous, and it doesn't usually. Just once in a while when there are situations like that. Funny enough, I was on the other end of this conversation ten years ago- I worked with a girl who's husband was a police officer on the night shift in a crappy part of the city. I asked her if it made her nervous that he was out there all night and was surprised when she said no. Now I understand... you could make yourself crazy.

If you had told me five years ago that I'd end up a cop's wife, I never would have believed you. But I guess I can't complain too much- the position III has now is what brought him to this area, and without it I never would have met him. I knew what I was getting into when I married him (well, mostly...). So I just have to suck it up, and hope the circumstances around his job get better sooner rather than later...


Saturday, March 7, 2009

I think U2 said it best...

It's a beautiful day!!!

It feels like spring! It smells like spring! It looks like spring!- well, maybe not so much the latter, considering there is still snow on the ground. But the spring like warmth is currently working on taking care of that part.

I planted some tulips and daffodils in the spring. The green shoots are starting to poke up out of the ground. My lilac tree has buds on the twigs. It's quite possible that we'll have another snow before April arrives, but hopefully that won't affect my little garden.

I just got back from a nice walk with the dogs. It can be tough to walk both of them, especially when it is so sloppy out. And for some reason, I don't like walking in our neighborhood. I can't put my finger on why, but I just don't enjoy it. Today we walked in one of the neighboring towns, just through a neighborhood. It was a really cute neighborhood in a town where, when we were first looking to buy a house, I refused to live. Why was that again? Oh yeah. I thought it was too far from the city... Now I'm stuck in a neighborhood where I know very few people, has few sidewalks, no stores or businesses in walking distance, and where it's not pleasant to go walking.

So III was right and we should have looked there, but I guess hindsight is 20/20. And it's only ten minutes away, so I can throw the dogs in the car and take them out there to walk.

I was in that neighborhood today because I was picking up my engagement and wedding rings. I love my wedding set.

III picked out my engagement ring without any input from me (since I had no clue he was gong to propose) and he picked something that was perfect. When we went to look for wedding rings, he picked a great ring to match. They were at the jeweler, where I had taken them to be replated (they're white gold and periodically need a new layer of rhodium). I've felt so naked without them for the past week!

I'm also reminded how much I prefer independent businesses to chains. III's friend's mom works at the town jewelry store, so he went there to get the ring. We then bought our wedding rings there. I figured it would cost me a couple hundred to get them replated, but because we bought them at that shop, they did it for free! I don't know, maybe the chain stores would do that too... but I do really like the personalized service I feel like I get at the local places.

I'm so happy it's the weekend and between the weather, the walk, and having my sparkly rings back, I'm feeling good. :) Happy spring!

Friday, March 6, 2009

Nothing but the truth...

Yay! I've been nominated for my first award!!! Thanks Emily!

The Honest Scrap Award.



Here are the rules:



1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. 2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” Well, there’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon. 3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I don't have 7 blogs... I'm still kind of a newbie at this. But I'll tag Frenchie at Miss Inconceivability and Amy at Babies or Not (unless she's taking a blogging break...). Of course, I have to tag Carolyn because her blog is always full of fun stuff, and Queen B because she never seems to have any trouble being honest. :) I'm enjoying the newest blog I've been reading, Fertility Now, so I'll tag that author as well. I was going to tag Caroline and Lisa but they already did it... And, hey! If you're reading and you want to share, TAG- you're it! :-)

My honest things:

1. I'd love to live in a big Victorian house in the town next door. However, Victorian houses in the town next door (especially since we'd probably need/want to renovate them) are more expensive than we can technically afford. So the honesty comes here: as uncomfortable as I feel taking money from my in-laws, I probably would if I could get one of those houses out of it...

2. I feel like I have my act together much more than my sister. However, I definitely have some jealousy around the attention she gets from my parents. (Even though I'm 33 years old!!!)

3. I feel closer to KB than I ever have to my own sister. I also feel more attached to KB's daughter than to my own nephew...

4. When III proposed to me, I panicked. I almost said no! We had only been together for six months and I was afraid that one of us would regret it if we got engaged that quickly. Luckily, I was wrong. :)

5. I am terrified that someone I know will find my blog. There is one person in particular who may travel within the same blog circles. I have contemplated deleting or password protecting certain posts just in case...

6. I am known by my friends as a very open person who they can come to with questions about sex stuff or "female issues", but I'm loathe to talk about that stuff with my family and am seen by them as "the prudish one".

7. I had a feeling we were going to have trouble getting pregnant, even though both my mom and my sister got pregnant without a problem and our infertility is currently "unexplained".

8. I think it's time to start thinking about a new career, but I am very nervous about giving up my pension and my summer vacations.

9. I think other people's dogs (even if they are cute) smell bad, and that mine smell better than others.

10. My husband, while tall and handsome, is too skinny to be considered "my type."

So there you go! More about me than you ever felt like you needed to know... ;-)