Monday, November 30, 2009

Hodge Podge

I spent the holiday weekend with other people's babies. My sister's son, who is adorable. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about being with him (my sister and I have very different viewpoints on many things, including child rearing) but it was lots of fun. I loved being the auntie who could spoil him and play with him and then hand him off to his mom. :)

I also visited with one of my very closest friends from high school. He and I have a complicated history, but we have kept in touch and are still important to each other. III and I spent an afternoon with him, his wife, and their 2 kids. His two year old son LOVED III. It was fun to watch them play together. I left with mixed feelings. I loved seeing III with the little boy and so it made me ache (once again) for one of our own. I also miss my friend, though at the same time our relationship continues to be... hmmm. It's not really something I can put into words. Maybe another time.

Before we left on Wednesday, I called the office of the genetic counselor. III and I are both frustrated by this process already. We had to make an appointment to go in on Tuesday and be told there was a problem with which my RE can't help us and be handed a card. I called on Wednesday to be told by her office that my RE needed to fax all the bloodwork over so that she could look at it and determine whether she could help us. (Whether??? If she can't, then what??) So I called my RE and they faxed it right over, but then Thursday was Thanksgiving and they weren't open on Friday... I haven't heard from them today. I am contemplating being a pest and calling again today. I just want to get this taken care of. I tried to do a little Dr. research, but it is hard because this is so specific to the chromosome that is affected. I found something that said the inversion of chromosome 2 can cause miscarriage in 30% of the cases, but 1) I don't know if that's when the man has that inversion or just the woman and 2) I don't know if it makes a difference where the inversion is. Whatever happens, I'll definitely post more on it so others who find themselves in the same boat can possible find it in their own searches.

Finally... I apologize because I haven't been reading blogs as diligently as I used to. I started this to find women who could sympathize with my situation because of their own experiences, but now I'm finding two things... either I'm so overwhelmed with my own situation that I have nothing left for others' trials with this beast, or others' successes leave me feeling discouraged and hopeless. :( I'm definitely at a point in this process where I no longer know what to do to even help myself.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Two steps forward, one step back.

I'm so tired.

I can see why people decide to give up trying to have a baby.

Another step back. III has a reversal on chromosome 2. It may be a problem. It may not. We won't know until we see the genetic counselor.

Today I want to give up. I know this feeling won't stick- I want a baby more.

But right now... I'm so fucking sick of this.

Monday, November 23, 2009


I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a sore throat.

Awwww shit.

I am very prone to colds and throat infections... I'm pretty sure I had strep for a year straight. (Lots of misdiagnosis.) So it is likely that.

But wouldn't it be just my luck this year? I should have gotten the H1.N1 vaccine if I was still pregnant. But I'm not. So no vaccine for me until at least December. So watch me go and get it when I'm supposed to be flying for Thanksgiving in two days! :(

I took my temp before I left today and it was normal, and then throughout the day I was worried that it had risen... so I went to the nurse. (Benefit of working in a school!) 98.1. Phew.

Looks like it's just a cold. (Knock on wood!) I'd hate to have to cancel my trip. Plus, tomorrow is my follow up to our blood tests with Dr. Z. Wish me no surprises!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Knife to the heart

I have a friend from HS- we were very close our senior year and for a number of years afterwards. She is one of two HS friends I have kept in touch with (outside of FB) over the past fifteen years. She is not married, but in a long term committed relationship and they have a four year old who was "not planned but not prevented". A few weeks ago, I read on her blog that she was pregnant again. Today, she posted on FB about hearing the heartbeat. When people asked her when she was due, she revealed her due date.

May 1.

One day after I would have been due.

My mind started racing with all the reasons this is unfair. But it just comes down to my own jealousy and despair. It has literally ruined my day.

I hate what infertility has done to me when I can't even be happy for an old friend.

Damn it.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Longest week ever

Seriously. The shit hit the fan at school with some systemic issues and I've spent hours reading/sending emails from/to parents. Peanut has been a nightmare this week and I'm really tired of dog poop. I'm exhausted and my eyes hurt and if it wasn't Friday, I might lose my mind.

That's all I've got.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Flower power

I'm always shocked at how much it costs to send someone flowers.

It always seems like such a nice gesture. It's always very exciting at my school when someone get flowers- everyone wants to know: "who are they from?" "what's the occasion?"

I've been 'sent' flowers four times in my life. For my eleventh birthday from my aunt and uncle who lived in NY. For my fifth dating anniversary from my college boyfriend. (There was no sixth anniversary...) For my second anniversary (sent to school- exciting!) from my husband. (He was out of town for an optional training he really wanted to do. Flowers were the consolation prize for me- though still appreciated.) For a "cheer-up" this summer. I'm always excited to get them. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I try not to think of the expense.

My mom's birthday was yesterday. She lives 1500 miles away and while we talk weekly, we don't see each other all that much. My mom loves her birthday. I meant to buy her a card- I'm seeing her in a week and bringing some presents so I didn't buy a specific gift- but didn't do it in time. So I thought to send her flowers.

I went on the F.TD website... many of the "favorites" were... just not my mom...(roses, carnations, mums...) Then I searched for 'lilies' She loves calalilies. They had some colored ones- super pretty. I looked at the price.


Really? For 18 stems? And a basic glass vase? (Plus another $15 for shipping. Not even delivery from a florist. Fe.dEx in a box.) I almost didn't do it... but I decided what-the-hell. My mom is 62. Young in one sense, but you never know for sure how many birthdays are left.

I sent them to her work. I thought that would be more fun for her. When I called her yesterday afternoon she was literally breathless. So excited and surprised. The front office at her work called her to pick up "a box for you". She thought it was a box for her office and was so surprised it was for her. And the box? She loved it. She said it was packaged so decadently with gold fabric. And she reminded me "I love lilies."

So the $64.99? Totally worth it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bad day

I'm kind of having a bad day.

I'm exhausted. I don't know why. I went to bed at 9:30. Peanut practically slept through the night (until 4am). I brought lunch today. I got coffee this morning.

But I'm feeling cranky and tired and blue. I dreamed about B-dog last night. It wasn't a bad dream, but wasn't anything special. It's odd, because I've been hoping I'd dream about her just to see her and touch her... but I woke up feeling unsettled.

I'm a little concerned that my blog has been discovered by someone I know. (Other than the someone I already know found it.) I base this on the two "where are you?" widgits I have and the towns that have popped up. Clearly, tons of people live in any town. I guess it's the chance I take by having a public blog, even if I do my best to be anon. Maybe I should change the name to something boring... but I like the name. And, actually, doesn't it match? My concern is that someone I know will find my blog and be upset/pissed/offended by the bitchiness I occasionally spew. *sigh* I don't know. Does it even matter? It's not like everyone is always saying nice things about me anyway. And usually, if they are saying it, it's to someone who knows me. (A mutual friend, a spouse, etc.) I guess it's not very golden-rulish. Clearly, I'm definitely feeling bitchy today.

I feel like I need something but I don't know what. A vacation? A hug? A nap?

Don't you all get tired of my crankiness??? I'm pretty tired of my crankiness...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

We don't need no stinkin' baby!*

Who needs a baby to be sleep deprived?

Peanut spent Thursday night gagging like there was something lodged in her throat. I tried water, bread, massaging her trachea... nothing worked. She gagged and spit up until about 3am. Then whatever was irritating her seemed to subside. Awesome since I had to wake up at 5.

She woke up Friday feeling fine. Figured I would get some great Friday night sleep, and sleep in on Saturday morning.


2am- Peanut has to pee.
3:30am- Peanut has to poop.
5:30am- Peanut wants to eat.
5:40am- Peanut has to poop again.
6:00am- Peanut is awake and wants to play. Challenges M-dog to a wrestling match in our bedroom.

At this point I got out of bed. Figured there was no reason for both me and III to be kept awake. Led the dogs downstairs, and set myself up on the couch. M-dog eventually decided he'd rather cuddle with me than wrestle with Peanut, so she had to resign herself to hanging out on the couch for a while.

And I can't remember the last time III and I had sex, but I'm pretty sure it's only been once since Peanut came to live with us.

*I just thought this title was funny. Of course, I still want a baby- stinkin' or otherwise.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hamster on a wheel

I have a pile of papers to grade and am just not motivated. And I'm giving a test in 2 classes tomorrow, which will just add to the pile!!!

I woke up today feeling less dark. I put on a sweater that III bought me last year for my birthday and am wearing my favorite bracelet. I got a new wool coat which I really like, and the weather was perfect to wear it today, too.

I talked to KB on the phone on the way in, got here in time to get a parking space, and used my early morning time productively planning and making copies for the next few days.

Then there was a team meeting.

Then there was a parent meeting.

Then there was more copying and filing of originals so they don't get lost.

Then I finally had a class to teach... and they needed major redirection.

So now I'm tired again. And I still have three more classes. All I want is a nap. Tonight is puppy school too. I just want the weekend to get here.

I just can't catch up!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I think I suck. **update**

No school today. Phew! I needed a day.

So I spent the morning with KB and her cutie M. M just makes me smile. She's almost three and she acts it! But she's so smart and spunky and I love spending time with her.

I feel like I'm such a lump lately, though. I am sure I was not a very entertaining friend. I'm not very positive or optimistic. I'm actually feeling very "dark and twisty". As much as I loved seeing M and as much as I cherish the time I spend with KB, it wasn't really "fun". And I'm sure it wasn't for KB either.

I'm not worried about it causing an issue in our friendship right now. I know KB loves me and that she understands why I am the way I am right now. I just wish I wasn't.

I had therapy this week and my therapist told me that nothing I am feeling or doing right now is unwarranted. Nothing is over the top. I am feeling and acting appropriately for how my life has been. She gave me permission to be unproductive and to grieve, as long as I'm not wallowing (as that could make me feel worse). (Those are my words, not hers, but was the general gist of things.)

To continue our shitty fall, III's dad is back in the hospital. After his cardiac arrest two months ago, they put in an internal de.fibrillator. It shocked him four times in twelve hours. That's bad. It means either his heart isn't working properly or his IDB isn't working properly. I haven't spoken to III- he's at work and didn't want to talk- just sent me a text. We just really need a break.

Not getting one in the next hour or so, though. I'm off to see Dr. Z for my hystosonogram or whatever it's called. Keep your fingers crossed for me that things are clear enough to progress without any necessary procedures or surgeries first. :(


I guess it's called a "Sonohystogram". Whatever it was, it's clear. The fibroid that has been there since the beginning does not "infringe" upon my uterine cavity, according to Dr. Z. He said everything looks good. :) My nurse, Donna, even said that I had a "beautiful endometrial lining". LOL. So now we wait for the blood tests to come back, which hopefully will happen before 11/24 which is when we sit down with Dr. Z to decide where to go next. Let's hope it's directly to FET which hopefully will lead directly to a 9 month pregnancy... *sigh*

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Tuesday Q&A

I have a question for you ladies.

Many people have posted about being assaulted by statuses (statii? LOL) announcing pregnancies. I know from personal experience what a punch in the gut that can be. :(

When I was (briefly) pregnant, one of the things I thought quite a bit about was how I was going to announce my pregnancy to various people. Some people clearly would warrant a phone call, others an email... but there are plenty of 'friends' on with whom my only contact is FB.

So I started thinking... it is painful when one discovers yet another FB friend who is expecting- especially one who you wouldn't expect to be expecting.

So here's my question: What do you think the easiest way for you to find out these pregnancies (from people with whom you don't necessarily have regular contact) would be? Would you prefer a FB "note" to a status update? A status update to a u/s photo? Something else?

Just curious. :)

In exchange for your answers... I thought I'd do a personal Q&A as well. I've seen others do it and haven't yet. Anything you want to ask about me? TTC related or otherwise? If anyone does, I'll post answers Wed and/or Thurs.


Monday, November 9, 2009

Vampire food

I had to have blood work done today. I usually go in for my blood appointments at the earliest time, around 7am. They told me I couldn't have a 7am appointment (at first I thought she didn't know what she was talking about, but it turns out they won't do day 3 b/w until after 8). It usually takes me 13 minutes to get to my RE from my work, and then MAYBE 10 minutes total waiting to be called and getting my blood drawn. Since I couldn't go in before school, I made my appointment for 9:30. I didn't teach 2nd period, so I figured if I left right after 1st period, I'd get there a little early, and since it's sign in first-come-first-served for b/w they might take me early. I figured I'd have plenty of time to get back for 3rd period and I was even hoping I might be able to stop for coffee.

13 minutes turned into 25. Apparently, all the old ladies are on the town roads at 9am. Then I get stopped for a train on the way there. I finally got there, right at 9:30 and had a few minutes wait. Then I get the stupidest phlebotomist in the whole place. (Okay. She wasn't stupid. Just old and slow and I think not a regular in that office.) It took her fifteen minutes just to get the paperwork set up, as she had lots of questions for the other phlebotomist and had to keep checking some chart. At that point, it was 13 minutes until my class started, so clearly I wasn't going to make it back. I asked to use her phone (to call my team mates and let them know so that someone could tell my kids what to start on (and make sure they weren't killing each other). She gave me a funny look but said yes.

It turns out, part of the reason it was taking so long and apparently the reason they wouldn't let me come in early, is that she had to take fifteen vials of blood. Definitely a record for me. (Nine was my top before.) As I'm about to jump out of my skin afterwards, because my class is starting in just three minutes, she had to write my name on every vial.

I got in my car at the exact time the bell was ringing for my period 3 to start. The old ladies were still on the road, but I would guess I did some speeding because I made it back in about 14.5 minutes.

Moral of the story: I should just take a sick day when I have appointments. I have close to 100 of them, and it would certainly be less stressful. Oh, and I'm going to have to buy my team members some nice Christmas presents this year.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

And so it begins...again...

As foretold by the past week of crankiness and weepiness, I got my period yesterday afternoon. Six and a half weeks post D&C, so that's pretty much on schedule. Day 3 b/w tomorrow and I have to call tomorrow to make an appointment for my saline sonogram.

So here we go again.....

Friday, November 6, 2009

Developing my heart.

Clearly needing some Kula lately...

Despite my recent and pervasive sadness and anger, I am grateful...

...that my parents are alive and well. (A friend of a friend recently lost both of her 50 yr old parents in the span of 3 weeks. My heart aches for her.)
...that my FIL is doing well and able to golf again. :-)
...that our decision to travel to see our ILs in their winter home in SC for our week-long winter vacation has thrilled them.
...for our house cleaners. They come every other week and yesterday was the day. It's so nice to walk into a freshly cleaned house!
...that Peanut has become very attached to me and is the biggest cuddle bug!
...that I am feeling well in the midst of the H1.N1 outbreak in my school.
...for the seasonal flu shot, which I will get for free today thanks to my school system.
...for my awesome students this year. There are a lot of things that are wrong with my school right now, but the kids I have this year are thoughtful, diligent, and sweet!
...for my weekends!!!! Looking forward to sleeping in, knitting, and relaxing!
...for III. I am constantly grateful that we found each other.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm so tired of being sad

I miss B so much it actually is a physical pain. I was just looking at pictures of her and watching a few videos I had... it just feels unfathomable to me that she is gone forever. I want her back with me. I want to hug her and have her lean against my side. I want to watch tv while she sits on my feet. I want to take her in the car and let her smell the air rushing by. I can't put into words how much I miss her. I feel like the feeling will never go away. And I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday, I also had a former student on my mind. He died about a year and a half ago from a flu that turned into pneumonia that was then complicated by MR.SA. A sweet, amazing (if dorky) kid who was smart, super talented, and just so positive and happy. I'm sure he got picked on... he had a 'rat tail' for years and such a goofy laugh. But he didn't care- he was always nice to other kids and was completely happy with who he was. When he died, kids said things about him that I wish they would have told him while he was alive. He amazed and touched people during his short time here. I know he would have done amazing things with his life. His seventeenth birthday would have been next week.

I'm having a hard time not thinking about the fact that I would have been pregnant. That I would have been starting to tell people. I want to do something right now about it, but I have to wait for my period, and then all the tests and appointments.

I feel like I should be feeling better by now. I feel like I should be snapping out of this funk. But I'm not. I want to do something to make it stop... but I don't know what to do.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Giving thanks...

I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you for the comments you leave me on my posts. As shitty as I've been feeling, I always get a little thrill when I see I have a comment on a post I've written, and often your thoughts and wishes make me smile, even if only for a moment. I really appreciate all of you. It makes a very lonely, isolating situation seem a little less so.

Thank YOU!!!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I may need to rethink this...

What I did today
Walk the dogs
Feed the dogs
Shower, dress, eat, make lunch
... all before 6:30am.
Morning extra math help for 8 students
Team meeting
Parent meeting
(Parent informs me that her child needs every step for every topic written out in order to be successful... uh-huh.)
Math meeting with administrator about curriculum, NC.LB and A.YP
... all before 9:30am.
Teach a class
Photo copy for tomorrow
Brief meeting with administrator about NC.LB and A.YP
Crunch state testing numbers for parent from previous meeting
Teach a class
Email parent from previous meeting (while eating my PB&J lunch)
... all before noon.
Teach a class
Teach a class
Faculty meeting
Crunch state testing numbers for other students doing poorly
... all before 4pm.
Drive home
Crunch more numbers while sitting outside with the dogs while they burn off energy...

What I didn't do today (that I should have)
Grade my stack of tests
Grade quiz corrections
Return 2 parent emails
Write weekly mass parent email
Photocopy quizzes

I don't know if I can keep doing this job. I feel like there is more and more asked and not enough time in the day or money in the budget to get done what we need to get done. I love working with my kids, but the other parts of the job... I just can't keep up.

But I don't know what else I would do... :(

Monday, November 2, 2009

It feels like a list day.

  • Today I'm feeling sad that I'm not pregnant.
  • I opened up to III this weekend and told him I had this feeling of sadness and despair that seems to lie under the surface, even on happy days and times when I'm enjoying myself.
  • I think III has a bit of that too, but I think he doesn't even realize it. He blames it on Peanut or on work, but I think he is more sensitive to the negative things there because of the shitty things that have gone down with us lately.
  • Peanut is doing so much better. But she's still having accidents in the house, which I suspect now has to do with lack of consistency in her bathroom schedule. There was a lack of consistency because of how much she had to go after the deworming. Now that that's getting better, I'm hoping she'll fall into more of a routine and stop pooping on the floor.
  • Speaking of pooping on the floor, I started my morning yesterday at 6 o'clock by stepping toes first into a pile of dog shit. Nice.
  • I'm excited because KB found out she is having a boy.
  • I'm depressed because these were milestones we were supposed to be going through together.
  • I'm frustrated because I am waiting for my period to start so we can do something.
  • Mondays always make the week seem like it is stretching endlessly out before me, with too much to do.
  • I have too much to do, but I'm blogging instead of doing it.
  • When I go home, I have too much to do but I'm knitting instead of doing it. I finished the back of a sweater for III and am worried I'll spend all this time on it and he won't want to wear it or it won't fit. I'm also working on a hat for me and the Bi.g Blan.ket. I'm not sure who that's for... I had initially planned it to be for myself. I think I'm going to make one for KB, but I think I want to use more 'boy colors'.
  • The test I posted on Thursday is here. I also took an interesting relationship test here. I took a general stress test too, but it claimed it was going to email me the results and never did. Oh, and I took a procrastination test that said I'm a moderate procrastinator who is in danger of becoming a bigger procrastinator.
  • I'm having some bowel issues today. I think the apple I ate upset my colon. Why does that happen? I have such a sensitive digestive system...
  • Halfway through Monday... I'll get there.