Monday, April 18, 2011

It's a....


Everything looked PERFECT! We are so happy, relieved, and excited!!!!!!!!!!

Big day!

In a little over an hour, I leave for my anatomy scan. I have really mixed feelings coursing through me.

I'm nervous. Nervous about all the potential bad things that could be discovered. My ultra fertile, ultra easy-pregnancy, ultra naive sister asked me if I was excited and I told her "Yes, and nervous." She said "Nervous about what?" I said "Bad news." It doesn't even really occur to her that it could happen. I mean, yes, intellectually, she knows bad things happen in pregnancy. But to her the anatomy scan was soley an exciting time to see her baby and find out whether it was a boy or girl.

But I am excited too. I'm pretty sure I've been feeling some small kicks and pokes, so I feel pretty confident that baby is alive. (Dead baby is at the top of my fear list.) III sent me a text a little while ago. It said "Doctor's address? I'm excited!!! ({})" I'm really excited about his excitement. I've had all the symptoms and growth and now little kicks... I've heard the heartbeat every week and was at the last ultrasound alone. This will be his first time to really see the baby and connect to it. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and happy for him. :)

What I am most embarrassed to admit is that I'm having some anxiety over the gender reveal. Obviously, especially after all we've been through, a full term, healthy baby is our #1 priority. However, I've found myself leaning more towards hoping we're having a girl over a boy...which surprises me a little. I've always dreamed of watching III be a daddy to a son, and even before I met III I had it in my head that I'd want to have a boy first. There are a number of reasons for the switch... I think one is that 'feeling' every pregnant woman gets. I just feel like it's a girl. My nurse who checks the heartbeat each week thinks its a girl, and has said it each time. So maybe 'girl' has just gotten into my head.

The anxiety of it, however, I think comes from my parents. My mom has been telling me she wants me to have a girl since before I got pregnant. My sister has a boy and is pregnant with another boy. My mom wants to buy pretty dresses and cute shoes. (Well, who can blame her? So do I, to be honest...) I spoke to them yesterday and I told my mom "I hope you're not too disappointed if it's a boy!" and she of course assured me that she is thrilled that I am pregnant and just wants a healthy grandbaby, boy or girl.

The final cause of my anxiety is my dad. He has asked me no less than five times (at least one of them long before I was pregnant- before even my first loss) if we have a boy whether we are going to have a bris. I told him we hadn't even discussed it yet (every time)... but I think the answer is going to be no. I'm Jewish, III is Catholic. We had a non-denominational wedding. Part of the reason my dad is asking is that, before we got engaged, III sat me down for this big talk about what we might do about religion if we did progress to marriage. At that time (over five years ago now) he expressed that he would be open to raising the kids Jewish. Now... I'm not even sure he remembers saying that. We haven't practiced any religion at all since we've been married. I mean, of course a Christmas dinner here with his family, and a Passover seder there with KB's parents... but nothing really religious.

So at this point, I'm not sure how we will raise our kids in terms of religion. We've just been working so hard on getting a kid here. I did tell my parents (several years ago now) that they shouldn't have any specific expectations in terms of religion for our kids- that we were going to muddle through and put together what works best for us, and it might not be what they would prefer. But still, my dad asks.

So, if we have a girl... it's one less thing we have to worry about.

In just a few short hours, though, we'll know. And knowing always eases my anxiety. Even if what I worry about comes true, at least then we can start to make a plan. And if the 'worst' thing that happens is that our baby has a penis and I have to tell my dad that we will not be having the ceremony? Well, I think that will make us pretty lucky.

So wish me luck for a healthy, growing, active baby- boy or girl! I'll update all of you, my bloggy friends, either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Monday, April 11, 2011


Emetophobia: an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting

Yep, that would be me. Ever since I was a kid. My sister would get the stomach flu and I'd lock myself in my bedroom. I'm great in emergencies, unless they involve vomiting. Then you can find me on the other side of the room (or preferably, a different room. Or building. Or city.)

I am lucky that I rarely vomit. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have in the last ten years. III also seems to be a rare vomiter.

Until this weekend.

Poor guy got the stomach bug that has been going around all winter. It came on pretty quickly, and he was very sick on Saturday night. He stayed in bed all day yesterday, which has never happened as long as I've known him.

Saturday night was rough for me as well. I felt so awful for him, and wished there was something I could do to help him. But I also couldn't shake my own fear that I would catch the bug and have to deal with myself vomiting. Every time I heard him in the bathroom, my own stomach seized up. I felt so bad... I wished I could be the person who sat by him and wiped his mouth as he was sick... but, yeah. Not so much. (Luckily, I don't think he's the type of person who would want that.)

I spent yesterday keeping the dogs quiet and periodically bringing him a tray with ginger ale, Gatorade, crackers and jello. I slept in the spare room for the past two nights so that he could get up as he needed to without worrying he was going to disturb me. (And who are we kidding? I was concerned about the germs...) And I'll admit, there was lots of hand washing...

This morning, I asked him how he was feeling and he shrugged and mumbled. He's cranky. Which I guess means he is getting better, right? But grumpiness irritates me. I mean, he's totally entitled- he's barely eaten for the last thirty six hours. He didn't work out yesterday. Which for him is crazy- I don't think there has been a day since I've known him that he hasn't worked out. And I know that makes him cranky. But I have a hard time not taking crankiness personally... I slept in today, mostly due to a pregnancy-headache. He got up and watched a James Bond movie and attempted some food. As soon as I came downstairs, he headed back upstairs. It could be that he wore himself out with his foray to the couch after no food for the past day and a half. But like I said... it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I wish I could be that wife who is totally selfless. Who can put all of my own feelings and phobias aside to care for my poor, vomiting husband. But I can't shake my own fears and insecurities, I guess. So on top of worrying about him and feeling bad that he feels so crappy, I'm left with a constant sense of anxiety and discomfort...

Hopefully, he didn't really notice. :-/

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Struggling with post-baby plans

My meeting with my principal went really well. Turns out, he and his wife also dealt with infertility so he was really understanding. We talked about my taking the first half of the school year and returning for 3rd quarter. As he's new, he felt he needed to look into the situation more in terms of what he needed to do from there.

It is a weird position to be in- I want to be fair to my school and my team. I don't want to leave them hanging. But I also want to make sure I am protecting my interests. What if I decide I do want to return? When will I know? HOW will I know?

On top of that, I'm still not comfortable saying the words: "I'm having a baby." I said them a bunch of times on Tuesday. I saw lots of my coworkers who didn't know. They would ask if I was coming back. "Well, I'm having a baby...." I'm having a baby. Four easy words. Followed by the echo in my brain that says "But what if I don't? What if something happens?"

Even if this pregnancy progresses as it should (and so far all signs point towards that outcome), September is not the ideal time for a teacher to have a baby. Obviously, at this point that was the least of our concerns. But now that I am progressing, almost halfway through my pregnancy, the reality of that situation is settling in.

My situation is really good. Which makes it really hard. Financially- we can swing another year off for me. Professionally- I am able to take another year leave and still come back the following year. Personally- III has totally left it up to me. Whatever is going to make me the happiest.

See? Aren't I a lucky girl???

But... that leaves it totally on my shoulders. And I just don't know. I don't know what to do. On the one hand- hello! We've been trying to have this baby for almost four years!!!! But on the other... if I've learned anything from my year off this year, it is how much I identify myself as a teacher. I'm enjoying a lot of parts of not working this year (especially the part where I get to sleep until 8 or 9 am). But I also feel kind of untethered. I'm a good teacher. I help kids. I DO inherently like what I do. But I haven't been a mom yet. Maybe that will be enough next year. Maybe it will be better.

I may not have as much of a choice as I present here. III and I decided we'd start by looking at daycares. Many of the daycares that are recommended to me through people I know run their schedule based on the public school schedule. Sounds great for a teacher, right? Well, two problems. 1) I'm looking for a slot that begins mid-year. 2) Even if I was looking for a September slot, all of the daycares I've talked to so far are full for the next school year already.

So I'm feeling really torn. And not really ready to have to deal with all of this. I'm eighteen and a half weeks, and feel like I'm jumping the gun. But if I don't start now, I feel like I'll be behind- in fact, it seems in terms of finding a day care I already am.

Am I really going to have a baby?????

Monday, April 4, 2011

18 weeks

I've been meaning to post- I have a lot going through my head. But clearly I haven't done it...

So I'm 18w1d today. So far everything has been going well. (knock on wood... which is part of my issue! I'm nervous to say "everything has been going well....)

I have a little more energy. I have to pee all of the time. When I eat, I get full easily but then am hungry again soon.

Other than that, I haven't had a lot of symptoms. I'm starting to have some hip pain, especially on days when I work and am standing all day.

Yesterday, a friend stopped by the store and told me I'm starting to show. :) I am definitely bigger, but I don't know if I look pregnant yet. Maybe just tubby. ;)

I haven't felt any movement yet either. I am anxiously waiting for it to happen!!! I keep hoping that will help ease my anxiety. It has been better- between the increase in my meds, acupuncture and therapy I don't have that constant buzz of worry. I'm still worried... but it's not quite as intense.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my principal about next year. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to say... I haven't really made a decision about what to do about next year. So my plan is to discuss with him taking the first half of the year off (Sept-the end of Jan) and then coming back for the second half. I'm not sure if that's what is going to happen... but I still feel like it's too soon for me to comfortably decide. Unfortunately, the way a school year works, We're well into the time where my district wants me to decide. I just feel like I want to make the best decision for me without screwing my district over. (ie: ending up making a last minute decision to stay home and leaving them in the lurch.)

I've talked to several parent friends (KB, Sra...) who have made different decisions... and it helps in some ways but not in others. Sra told me "You will never have total clarity on your decision. There isn't going to be a 100% 'right' decision."

I feel like I am leaning in one direction more than another... but as I said, I'm just not ready to make a final decision. To be totally honest, I still worry about what would happen if I lose the pregnancy... and while maybe I 'shouldn't' make that part of my decision, I just can't discount it.

So... that's where things stand. Sort of a surface overview, anyway. My anatomy scan is two weeks from today. I'll definitely try to post before then, but will guarantee an update after we get the results. :)