The rundown...

My doctor suggests drinking 6 to 8 ounces of water before my appointment so that I'm "full but not desperate". I brought a bottle of water in the car. When I first got there I was doing okay. After 45 minutes, when we hadn't yet heard anything I decided to go to the bathroom, though I didn't "empty". After we had been there for an hour, a nurse finally came out and told us that the PGD results from the lab were not in yet. She said they generally get there by noon and it was about a quarter after. She suggested I pee, and told us she'd be back as soon as they got something.

Twenty minutes later I peed again. I figured there was no way of knowing how long we'd be sitting there, and once we got back to surgery it would be about fifteen minutes anyway, so I'd just keep drinking my water and peeing when I had to.

A full hour and a half after my appointment they finally came and got me. We still didn't know if we had anything to transfer. Not until she told me to get changed and said the doctor would talk to me when I was finished- I figured they wouldn't have me put on a gown if there was nothing to transfer!

Of the nine embryos thawed, seven survived to biopsy. Two of those did not progress after biopsy. Of the five remaining, two were abnormal (one w/down syndrome). Of the three that appeared to be normal, one was a day 5 blastocyst and two were day 5 morulas. Dr. Z was in the surgery that day- its the first time he's done any of my procedures! He gave us the option of transferring the blast and one morula, then seeing if the other morula progressed enough to be frozen, transferring only the blast with the potential of freezing both morulas, or transferring all three. I asked him if, considering my history (chem preg with 1st 2 emb IVF and one implantation with 2nd 2 emb IVF) combined with what we now know about what my insurance requires, if it was reasonable to transfer all three. He said it was certainly not “too crazy”, as long as we were aware of the “risk” (meaning a multiple pregnancy).

So we did. Unlike the last time, III decided to come into the OR with me. (We went to a bball game for his alma mater yesterday, and they squeaked out a win, just like they did last year when we went. I told him he was good luck for them, and so he told me he figured he should come in with me just in case he could be a good luck charm for us too.)

They took a photo of the embryos for us, as usual. By the time they took the photo of the embryos, one of the morulas had already progressed to an early blastocyst! The transfer went well and easily.

They wanted me to have my beta on the 16th- I was very surprised! I didn't think it would be that early. But we're going to be out of town from the 13th to the 21st, so the beta will have to wait until the 22nd. At least it's likely to be all or nothing at that point. And I'd guess that if it's going to be negative I'll have already had some warning (spotting or maybe even my period).

I've been going to acupuncture for my mood and energy and it's really be helping. She has obviously been focusing on the fertility stuff too, and today she came in special on a Sunday since I had my transfer. She's feeling very optimistic and excited for me.

So I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time, and to be honest that hope scares me. This whole thing has been such a mess... the idea that it could actually work this time just seems too far out of reach...

hopefully worth the wait

7 survived thaw, two abnormal, two didn't progress. We transferred the remaining three. More details later...

the wait is killing me

We've been sitting in the lobby of my re for almost an hour and a half. 30 min ago a nurse came out and told us they haven't received the PGD results from the lab in Detroit but it should be soon. Screw the full bladder- I've now peed three times. Not feeling at all optimistic. What a potential waste of a morning...

Color me cynical...

I don't expect to have anything to transfer tomorrow. We've been on the wrong end of the statistics from day one... and now there aren't even any statistics to really go by. After living through the "None of your seventeen eggs fertilized" and the 'heartbeat-at-seven-weeks-no-heartbeat-at-eight-weeks'... well, I just am not expecting positive results. Nine frozen embryos... seems like SOMETHING should make it. But they have to survive a thaw AND a biopsy and THEN they have to be normal. I read that 50% of the average couple's embryos are not genetically normal. And we're not the average couple. Even throwing aside all of the shitty luck experiences we've already had, we now know about the inversion.

So in fourteen hours I go to the clinic to find out what happens next. And I just don't have high hopes. Actually, I don't have any hopes. I'm numb. I have no expectations. We bought a box-o-wine tonight. (Don't judge me. It's actually a high class box o' wine. It was even at our wine expo!) It is the equivalent of four boxes of wine. III was like "But after 'the thing' tomorrow you probably won't drink, and I can't drink four bottles in a week (we're going on vacation in a week) myself." But... I had him buy it. Whatever. I'm not optimistic that there will be reason to stop the wine.

And even if there is... I don't feel like I'll be sweating bullets this two week wait. Luckily, we're going on vacation for a week, so that will help even if I was. But, again, my expectations are so low nonexistent that I can't imagine it will be all that hard.

I'm actually not at all sure what to expect from this cycle symptom wise. I'm used to being bloated and uncomfortable post-ER. I've been taking progesterone (had to switch from endometrin to something else because of my insurance, but whatever...) and am not really feeling anything. The headaches I was getting from the estrogen have gone away, so now I just feel normal. I've even lost two pounds (though that might be from my cold which is leaving me with a poor appetite).

So anyway. I guess I'm expecting the worst, but obviously hoping for the best. The best, IMO, would be two beautiful blasts to transfer, but none to freeze. I don't want our next cycle to be a frozen one. Bring on the bravelle. Bring on the swollen follicles and the bloat. If it gives us more of a chance of walking away with our baby before I turn 36 (as I have very low expectations of a due date when I am still 34...) I'm all about it.

u/s and bloodwork yesterday-- everything looks good. My progesterone was only at 0.337 (good- meaning I didn't ovulate) and my lining was over 7mm.

Sooooo. I'm feeling a little numb about the whole thing, I think as self preservation in case we end up with nothing to transfer. I have so much anxiety about the whole thing, regardless of the outcome. If none of them survive the thaw, I'll be disappointed and we wasted another month. If they survive the thaw but are not normal, ditto to the last comment plus it will cause me anxiety about whether we can produce normal embryos. If we get some good ones to transfer, I have the anxiety of the 2ww. Even if I get a positive beta... well, we all know how it goes. Especially since all the forms and phone calls I've had with the lab pounds into my head that a good test result doesn't guarantee an embryo without chromosomal issues. I know they have to say that, but... ugh.

Not feeling well today. Another cold is coming on. Still missing my B-dog like I'd miss a limb, if you can believe that. III's bday is Friday and I seem to have lost my gift-giving mo-jo and am scrambling a bit...

I think I'm ready for this week to be over...

Tough love

All the stuff going on in our life right now has had me a little worried about the state of our marriage.

It's not like I'm concerned that III is "stepping out" on me or anything... But I've seen others who's marriages have fallen apart, and it seems to often come from the "build up" of things that are poorly or inadequately addressed.

III and I deal with stress in completely opposite ways. III withdraws. He gets quiet (and often a bit cranky) and buries himself in work, exercise and video games. I, on the other hand, reach out. I want to be hugged. I want to be reassured. I want to curl up under a blanket and have someone stroke my hair.

So when we are both dealing with the stress of, say, a family member who needs a heart transplant, or, for example, an upcoming frozen IVF transfer that will likely not work, we hit a conflict. I feel like III is ignoring me when I need attention the most. III feels like I'm being clingy and demanding when he just wants to retreat within his head.

The hardest part? He still wants to have sex. He hasn't touched me for three days, but now he wants me to make love to him? And it's not even like we crawl into bed and he rolls over and starts something. He just takes all of his clothes off and lays on the bed and says "Let's go." And that? Doesn't really get me in the mood...

So this weekend it kind of came to a head. I knew we had to talk about it... but to be honest I was feeling a little resentful that I always have to be the one to bring it up!

But I did. I told III that I was worried about us. I told him that he didn't seem to want to be near me- to touch me. I told him that I couldn't remember the last time he told me he loved me (with the exception of the auto-I-love-you when getting off the phone). I told him that I wasn't feeling pretty or desirable or even good at anything lately. Oh, and I cried. Of course. I'm a crier.

He felt bad. He told me that of course he loves me. That he thinks there are lots of things I'm good at, and that, while when I was sitting there crying I probably didn't look my best, I was still pretty, and in fact had looked very pretty two nights earlier when we went on a double date with friends. He has made an effort over the last two days to be more affectionate. (Funny story- last night he was trying to be nice and cuddle me without it leading anywhere... but he got turned on. He was like "I can't help it!" We laughed about it... it could be worse, I guess...)

As we said good night last night, I told him "I love you so much, I just wish things could always be good." But I guess they can't be always good... and they're okay for now.

Right in the head.

Despite the fact that I'm a math teacher, I'm totally right brained. This is most evident in the organization of my space. And, yes, I did say organization, though anyone who is left brained, or even a little less right brained than me, may roll their eyes about my use of that word.

I had a student once write a spoof newspaper. On page 2 was a story (complete with a photoshopped picture) about how Ms. A was found trapped under her desk after an avalanche of the papers.

So I recognize that, to many people, my organizational methods just look like one big mess.

But guess what. It's MY DESK. So you can bite me. The only person who has a right (no pun intended) to complain about my right brained habits is my husband, because he has to live with me day in and day out, and his personality is as A+ as his blood.

Yesterday I was out of the classroom to take a class that is required of all teachers in my state. I recently started mentoring a student teacher. She's awesome, and she's only been with me a week. So she taught my classes, but I was still assigned a substitute, because ST is so new and, technically, we're not really supposed to rely on them to sub anyway.

ST is very, very organized. We have had discussions about it because her husband is just like me. She has assigned him a room that he can keep as "messy" (her word) as he likes.

So when I walked in today and discovered I could see the top of my desk- the whole thing- I was pissed. I didn't want to be, though, because I thought it was ST and she's so sweet and I was worried my right-brain-edness was driving her crazy.

Turns out, she didn't touch my desk. It was the sub. Who had to put up with my room for one whole day. She cleared the entire top of the desk and "organized" the small bookshelf next to it. She made files that she stacked in my vertical holder.

I couldn't find a fucking thing.

And the worst part? She threw things away! (Like the list I made of the number that each student had in the $75 out-of-print textbook they took home, so that they don't come in June and grab one from our class set and say "Oh, yeah. Here it is," because they let their dog eat the one at their house as a snack.) I spent half my morning digging through the recycling bin, retrieving things that she thought were trash but actually meant something to me or was needed in my class.

So here's a message to all you type A, left brained, ultra neat and organized, folder fanatics. Just because you don't understand my organizational system doesn't mean it's wrong. You might like to see all your color-coded three ring binders lined up on your shelf, but I like to be able to see each piece of paper. You may prefer your alphabetical file drawer with it's little plastic tabs, but not only do I like my piles, I challenge you to a race of who can fetch a particular item faster.

So there.

Holy moly.

And I thought this had all been complicated before!!!!

First of all, my nausea issues appear to have been because of a bug I caught. Luckily, it was short lived. I do have some headaches that I think are side effects of the E, but that seems to be about all for now.

Right now the plan is u/s and b/w on the 3rd, thaw and pgd (actually, according to our paperwork it's technically "PGS"...) on the 5th and, if there's anything to transfer, transfer on the 7th.

But seriously. I had to talk to the nurse at my RE. Then I had to fill out an intake form for the lab. Then I had to have a phone interview with the lab. Then we have to sign five different consent forms, one that has to be notarized. It's so complicated... and with all this, there is a possibility we won't even have anything to transfer!

So that's where we're at. I've tried to find some PGD blogs, but they are few and far between. And I've only read one where someone did PGD on frozen embryos... that person got pregnant though, so I guess them's good odds. ;)

I might puke.

I started estradiol last night, both in pill and patch form. I started out the morning so tired, and around 11 started feeling a little gross. I though it was just that I needed lunch... but after I ate I got some serious diarrhea and felt SO NAUSEOUS. I had to leave school early.

I called the nurse at the RE and she said it could be from the estradiol, and that as my body adjusts it should get better. However, I know there's something going around at school too, so I'm worried it's the flu. :( I'm drinking some 7-up, but it tastes gross to me.

Has anyone who has taken estradiol or something similar had any side effects like this? This is my first FET so I don't know if this is just how I react, or if it's something else...

Ugh.

This weekend I couldn't help thinking about how I'd be entering the third trimester if my pregnancy had been viable. I would have been 25w4d today. (I looked it up- good news is the week I'm in is no longer in the front of my mind...) Instead I have my period. It was especially hard to ignore, since I visited with KB and her family. (She was 24w this weekend.) I love her and am happy for her- but I can't help looking at her growing belly without thinking "I would have looked like that now too..."

Miss M is turning three this month and I've made her a very super cute jumper as a gift. I can't wait to give it to her. KB made sure I knew I was invited to her party (along with the 17 kiddies and their parents...) but that she'd understand if I didn't want to come. I'm going to go, armed with my camera to hide behind. I love getting good shots of the kiddos on exciting and important days. It makes me feel useful and included.

I wouldn't say M makes is okay that we don't have any babies of our own... but being so close to her and being such a big part of her life (as we left their house, after I'd given her a hug and a kiss, she watched me go through the window and called after me, "But III didn't give me a hug and a kiss!!!!)- it takes the sting away from it a little.

Hurry up and wait...

After I posted yesterday, I got my period. Woohoo!

It was Sunday, so I didn't bother hurrying to call the clinic and report in for CD1. I called today... and it's a holiday. So while I did speak to a nurse, it turns out my file is with the financial person, who is off today. So I have to wait for tomorrow to make sure that all my stuff is in order so that they can get me my meds. She said it's not a big deal, though, and that I just have to start them by CD5.

As unlikely as it is that I'll get pregnant from this cycle, it's nice to be doing something. I always feel better when there's a plan in place and we're executing it.

Waiting

I was fifteen and a half when I got my period for the first time. It was the last day of ninth grade. I spent the first half of my teens embarrassed and concerned that I was (as far as I knew) the only girl who didn't have it yet. The worrier in me even had concerns that maybe there was something wrong with me... maybe I had a hormonal imbalance or was a herm.aphrodite or something. My mom was concerned. (Those worry genes are hereditary.) My doctor said he wasn't concerned until I turned eighteen. My friends who knew (I got to a point where I lied or avoided so that others would just assume that, of course I had it) said "What's the rush? I wish I didn't have it!"

If my cycle had regulated itself since my m/c, my period would have come this month on the thirteenth. It appears it's still a little off, though not too bad. Last month it was one week late, which would put me at the twentieth. I know it's coming... I'm having spotting and a little cramping. I'm anxious for it to get here. I just want to get started. I want to have a timeframe. I want to know I don't have to worry about the transfer interfering with our vacation in February.

It almost feels like I'm fifteen again.