Monday, June 29, 2009

No news Monday.

Another list day:
  • B's lymph nodes have stopped shrinking but don't appear to be growing.
  • Vet appt tomorrow at 12:30. RE appt at 2. Not sure how I'm going to make both. Unless it is raining (AGAIN), in which case I can just keep B in the car while I'm in my appt. With my luck, it will be the ONE day it's not raining.
  • My period has ended so last night was a sex night. Unfortunately, III didn't get his 'happy ending'. It was one of those situations where I changed position at the wrong time and ... I don't know. Scared it away? I feel bad - it's been like three or four weeks and then it was kind of a bust. Or not. ha ha ha
  • I have to pack for our trip. I'm not excited because I'm afraid to leave B.
  • I got a new computer!! Mine was about 5 yrs old and slow as molasses. I got a laptop and it's super nice. Especially exciting is that it has a webcam. I used Sk.ype for the first time the other day to talk to my dad and nephew.
That's all I've got for now. :)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Feeling a little better today...

...though I am definitely not pregnant. I clearly have my period. I couldn't stand it anymore, so last night I did not take the Endo.metrin so I could start using tampons again. I'm going to call the NP today to see if I can officially stop taking it. I don't see how anything could survive in my uterus through this bleeding.

III called yesterday to let me know when he was going to be home and said "If you know the results, don't tell me." He had to go do something for work, and didn't want to be distracted while in a possibly dangerous situation. While I understand that, it did rub me the wrong way a little bit. Isn't it nice that he has that option. While I don't have to answer the phone for the beta results, I can't ignore the side effects and bleeding. It makes it feel like it all falls on my shoulders.

When he got home, he asked right away. I told him and he seemed angry- but I think he was just disappointed. After he showered and changed, he came and cuddled with me. He's very ready to be a daddy. I wish I could give him that. While I know this isn't my fault, I feel like I'm failing. Especially this cycle. We had two embryos. They were put into my uterus. I couldn't keep them. *sigh*

In other happier news, B-dogs lymph nodes are definitely smaller. I'm so relieved. I couldn't imagine leaving her for a week if she wasn't doing better. She has been a little picky about her food lately though... I'm going to try to hold off being worried about that unless she stops eating completely. She usually gets cottage cheese with her food, and we've run out so that might be part of why she's being picky.

I am planning to try to get some work done today. I spent yesterday on the couch. I have a list of things to do today. But I'm going to take an hour or so to myself before I begin. Maybe I'll even go to yoga...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Now I just want this hellish cycle to be over.

Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take.

Donna called and I didn't answer, because I knew it would be the same message that it usually is.

It wasn't, though. She asked me to call.

My beta is "borderline negative". They want 100+ for a definite positive. Mine is 5.4.

What does this mean? It's extremely unlikely I'm pregnant, (edited to clarify: the NP said it's 99% sure it's negative) but I have to stay on the Endro.metrin for 2 more days and go back Sat. morning for a blood test.

Seriously? Can you just rub salt in the wound?

I guess that means no wine tonight, too?

A waste of a blood test.

I have to go in for my blood test today, but I'm pretty sure the sporadic bleeding I've been having just turned into an official period. However, even with bleeding after an IVF cycle, my clinic requires a blood test. So in about an hour I'm going to head out to have a needle stuck in my arm for basically no reason.

I had planned to sleep for another hour- my first official day of summer vacation! (Not that you'd know, looking at the sky outside.) But here I am, up and out of bed. I'll definitely need a nap later.

2 pieces of good news:
  1. I think B-dogs nodes may have gone down a little... I'm not 100% sure- it may be wishful thinking. But, especially the left one seems smaller.
  2. A negative blood test means a bottle of wine. I'd much rather have a baby, but at least I get a (pathetic) consolation prize. I need it.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I have to go to school today for meetings and clean up- no kids. But I am sitting on my couch in my living room procrastinating. I don't want to go. It wouldn't be so bad if I knew I'd be done early, but I have a dentist appt right down the street from school at 3, so I know I'll stay all day.

B is very tired and sleeping a lot. This is not different from any of her other treatments, but for some reason it has me all a-tizzy.

I continue to have bleeding and broke down and took an HPT this morning- negative, of course. I told III last night about the bleeding so he's prepared for tomorrow if, as I expect, the beta is negative.

When I went to bed last night, III put his arm around me and I put my head on his chest. "I hate everything right now," I told him. Then added "Except you." And he told me, "And except B-dog. And M-dog. And G (our neighbor). But we haven't seen G for a while." He's such a dork. :)

I wonder how much the weather is contributing. It's certainly not helping. It's gross and rainy out and has been for days.

I just want to cry all the time right now. I hate that I have to put on mascara and go out into the world and interact with other people.

This message is totally disjointed, but that's how my brain is right now.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm having a difficult day... (post #2)

It should be a good one. Last day of school.

But I'm feeling so despondent today.

I'm feeling very un-pregnant.

But most of all, I'm all of a sudden terrified about losing B.

She's sleeping right now. She's always exhausted after treatment day.

Her lymph nodes are still swollen- especially the left one. It's huge.

Clearly. It's not like the instant the meds go into her body they are going to take care of it.

But what if it doesn't work?

We're leaving in a week for a week's vacation to visit family. I don't want to go. I want to stay home and take care of her.

I went back and looked at the other records from her previous treatment. This medicine was the 4th week. After 3 weeks of other treatments.

Plus, I misunderstood the vet. I thought the other med (the one that causes her wbc to drop so much) was the one that could only be given a limited amount of times, but it turns out it's not- it's the med I chose.

If I had understood that, I don't know if I would have made a different decision, since the other med affects her wbc count so much.

I'm not ready for this. I need her to get better, at least for a little while.

I'm not a pray-er. I'm not even sure I believe in god. But I have this urge to drop to my knees and pray Please... please don't take her away from me yet.

I'm panicking. I may be losing my mind...

Waning hope...

So, despite my advice to C based on the (photocopied) words of my RE office, the bleeding I'm having today is making me feel very pessimistic for a positive beta.

**TMI Warning**

I've progressed from the 'tinted' prog. discharge to definite spotting. In fact, I even had what seemed like some tiny clots and/or bloody mucus. (I warned you!) I put on an actual pad, since I was headed to sit in front of about 500 parents and friends of my students for an end of the year ceremony. It seems to have slowed, but those clotty things freaked me out a bit.

I've had spotting every cycle since I went off the pill (20 months, 1 week and 4 days ago... thank you blog ticker...). My gyn told me before I even stepped foot in the RE's office for my first appointment that it was perfectly possible to have that bleeding the month that I am actually pregnant. So, rationally, I know it is possible that it means nothing. But my heart isn't listening.


Today was the last day with kids, and it was a half day so I got to come home early. B-dog is at the vet for the treatment, and it was hard to drop her off this morning because she was reluctant to leave her. I'm hoping she's done earlier rather than later. Waiting for the call... Then I'll have one more thing to obsess about, checking to see if her lymph nodes will go down. It only took one day the last time, so we'll see. Fingers are crossed.

I'm going to sit on the couch, knit, and watch crappy TV.

44 hours to my beta.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Only time for a quick post today...

Of course, when I say that they always end up long... :)
  • I never thought I'd get here, but today is the last full school day with students. We're taking them on a lunch cruise (in the rain. Ick.). Tomorrow is a half day and we're having a ceremony. Wednesday is just teachers- meetings and cleanup. And then summer has officially arrived.
  • My beta is on Thursday morning. I am not feeling pregnant. My only symptom is my enormous boobs, but I've had that since the ER so it's not a new one. Today my nasty prog.esterone discharge was 'tinted'. I can't really say I'm even spotting, but something's going on in there. Of course, as I just assured C, my docs put on my "how to stay sane" worksheet that bleeding does not exclude pregnancy, so I'm trying to ignore it.
  • B-dog goes in for treatment tomorrow. She's still feeling good, and I'm hoping that her treatment tomorrow will cause her lymph nodes to go down so I can relax about going away in ten days for a week.
  • I came to school today and told my coworker that I knew about our friend's daughter. Turns out I was wrong, and she did not know. She was shocked and distressed. This really is not a good situation, and if the mother of this girl did not tell my coworker, she must really be mortified. They are quite close, which is why I was sure she knew already.
  • I am getting pretty far on this sweater I am making, though I'm concerned about how it's all going to come together in the end. I tried knitting in the round this weekend, both with connected needles and double pointed, and it was a big flop. So for now I'm going to stick with the sweater and hope it turns out well.
  • Hoping for a quick, easy week filled with good news- for all of us!!!
Happy Monday!

Friday, June 19, 2009


What the fuck.

One of my former coworkers has a 24 year old daughter. I've known her for 10 years. She has a LOT of issues- depression, learning disabilities, mood disorders... she smokes, cigarettes and pot, drinks, and parties. She has a HS diploma and lives with her mom. She jumps from job to job to job and is currently unemployed.

Don't get me wrong. She's a nice girl, just lost and a bit immature.

And pregnant.

She recently requested me as a friend on Apparently she's like 16 weeks pregnant. I just saw them about two weeks ago and neither said anything to me. I'm pretty sure my other coworker knows, and have a feeling she hasn't told me on purpose.

Apparently the father is her boyfriend/exboyfriend (relationship status went from "In a..." to "Single" to "It's complicated") who already has kids.

So not fair.

A little hope...

I called the vet yesterday to let them know that we'd decided on drug #2 (I think it's adria.mycin) and was irritated when I didn't get a call back. So I called again, but by then it was almost 6 and her aa was gone, so she didn't get the message until this morning. She called me at 10am and apologized. She thought she had told her aa to cal me back and let me know to make an appointment. I wish her aa had called, because I could have brought B in today. The dr won't be in on Monday, so B will have a treatment on Tuesday. I have all my fingers crossed that it will stop the growth of her lymph nodes and the progression of the cancer, and maybe reverse it for at least a little while. I really, really, really want just one last summer with her feeling healthy.

I asked III last night about his crappy mood (which was still in residence at our house last night). He said "It's just work stuff. I hate my job and I'm tired of complaining about it." But at least I've learned something in our almost-three years of marriage. I just sat quietly and he started talking. He talked for over twenty minutes. He's so frustrated with his job and as pissed off that it is all out of his control. He's tried everything he could to make it better and is still miserable. I'm hoping that the cyclical parts of his job will make it so things will eventually get better. In the meantime, though he said he doesn't want to complain and I don't love listening to the tirade, it definitely made the evening more pleasant once he finished. He was still pretty mopey, but not so charged and edgy.

He is definitely sad about B too. When he stops to pet her or give her a belly rub, he does it with more intent. That's the only way I can describe it. Like he is soaking up the experience to file away for when she is gone. He also let her sleep with us in the bed last night. *sigh* The day we lose her is going to be very, very dark in our house. :(

Today is my last day of classes, then we have 2 more days with kids (activity days) and one day without (meetings and cleanup). Come on Summer! Hurry up!

Beta is one week from yesterday and I'm thinking about it as little as possible. That doesn't mean that while I'm trying to fall asleep I'm not counting backward to a possible due date or forward to the date that would end the first trimester... but no one's perfect. ;)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The wrong kind of positive.

On these IF blogs a positive test is usually a good thing.

B-dog's lymphoma tests came back positive, so it's official: she is now out of remission. :(

I go between feeling resolved and feeling inconsolable.

III was sulky and silent last night. He said it was work related, but that he didn't want to complain about work anymore. I don't know if that is all of it, or if he was mad at me (always my initial assumption), or if it's his sadness about B. I know that he is sad, but I think he either feels like he can't express that because he doesn't want to upset me further, or maybe the macho in him won't allow him to show it.

We are going to do some treatment, though not the full chemo we did previously, in an attempt to keep her healthy(ish) through the summer. According to our vet, without any treatment, she would have 6 weeks to 2 months- but not actually that long because we'd never let her get to the point that she was at in January.

Work just seems so unimportant right now. It is the last place I want to be.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Nothing to tell.

Nothing going on really.

My goal for my workday is to get stuff cleaned up while the kids are working on all the "lasts".

No definite news on B-dog yet. They sent the tests out, so we will know more later today. It is probably the lymphoma, though, so now we need to make a decision about the level of treatment. I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around some of this. We will probably not do the full chemo treatment again, because it is unlikely to give us another six months so the cost will not be worthwhile. At the same time, we have the money to be able to do it so part of me is having a hard time accepting that we are not going to do it.

I'm feeling okay today. Just tired, but I stayed up an hour later than usual because I am attempting a new knitting project. I hope I am not tempting fate, because I am trying to knit a baby sweater. It's not for any specific purpose (ie: my future child) but because it is an easy beginner's pattern and a baby's sweater is smaller than an adult one, so it will progress more quickly.

The last thing I was contemplating is the sex/no sex rule after transfer. It sounds like different docs say different things, which is interesting. Some say no sex or org.asm until 1st u/s with heartbeat. Mine says it's okay 48 hours after transfer. (I looked it up on my "after transfer" instructions.) I found a study that says that people who have sex right before or right after transfer have a higher incidence of pregnancy- something about the introduction to semen. So many different opinions... shows us that so much in medicine is still arbitrary and/or uncertain.

Not that I'm having sex anytime soon. There's too much nasty stuff resulting from my 3x a day suppositories. Poor III.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Side effects and staying sane.

First a B-dog update: There isn't one yet. I dropped her off at the vet this morning and am still waiting to hear from them. With the exception of the swollen nodes, she appears to be feeling and acting completely normal. Except for one thing- she's been more neurotic than usual, but I'm 99% sure that's because I'm definitely freaking out inside about her being sick again, and as we all know, dogs can sense that stuff.

I'm feeling MUCH less bloated than I was this weekend. Yesterday was the first day I felt semi normal, and today I feel pretty much back to myself. I'm even wearing slacks with a button. LOL However, other side effects of the progesterone seem to be kicking in. III looked at me last night in the kitchen and exclaimed "Your boobs are popping out of your clothes!!!" He rarely notices if I look fatter or my boobs look bigger or even if I got my haircut, so it must be pretty obvious. They are definitely feeling swollen.

I think the progesterone is causing some periodic nausea. Has anyone else had this? It happened after dinner on Friday night, but I thought maybe it was related to the after effects of the retrieval. But then it happened again last night after dinner. Not horrible, but definitely noticeable. I started the progesterone on Thursday, so I guess it would be possible for side effects to start kicking in by Friday night. Yes?

And then there's the ickiness down there. My doctor said we could have sex the day after the transfer, but seriously? I don't even want to be down there. Are there others who feel differently?

Moving on.

As I mentioned on Sunday, the nurse gave me a sheet before my transfer about how to stay sane while waiting for your beta. I wish I could post the whole thing on here but a) I'd have to type it all out and b) I'm pretty sure my clinic has copyrighted it. But I have to share a few things and I hope they would forgive me.*

The very first part talks about how, from this point forward, the results are completely out of your control. That it doesn't matter if you're happy or sad, angry or calm, jealous, whatever. That it is important to validate that that's how you feel and to feel it. There are no wrong feelings.

It talks about trying not to analyze your pregnancy symptoms and advises that you take it one day at a time. "Don't wake up tomorrow and think 'how am I going to get through the next eight or ten days?' Wake up tomorrow morning and say to yourself "what can I do today to distract myself, pamper myself, and make the time go faster?"*

It suggests that if you have a lot of people who know you just did IVF, to assign a friend or relative as a point person. If people have questions about news, they should contact that person and leave you alone. It encourages you to contact the clinic with any feelings, concerns, or frustration.

It suggests making a date night for the night of the beta. "If it's positive, you can drink lots of nonalcoholic champagne. If it is negative, it gives you the time to be together, mourn away from family and friends, and plan together the next step."*

But my favorite part came right in the middle of the sheet.

"Be picky with the people you spend your time with! Feel free to avoid the unsympathetic friends, the overly fertile friends, an dthe 'takers' instead of the 'givers'. Plan to see those who entertain you, nurture you, and distract you. If you need an official excuse, you can consider yourself under doctor's orders to avoid baby showers."* ha ha ha ha

Best advice ever. Advice that we all probably know in our hearts, but that, in our efforts to be good people and good friends, many of us often will ignore, even to the detriment of our own health.

*I openly cite "my" infertility clinic on all of these quotes- I just don't like to give the specific clinic on this blog because of my attempt at anonymity, which includes more exact info on my location...

Monday, June 15, 2009

When it rains.

Still planning on posting more about yesterday, but something else has taken over my brain and is taking precedence today.

B-dog is definitely sick again.

She's not acting sick (yet). But her lymph nodes are markedly swollen. I am so, so, so sad. And the timing just sucks. I'm so close to being out of school and being able to maximize time with her. We're going away in less than three weeks for a week and leaving her with a sitter. And, of course, the IVF stuff.

I woke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and it's like an obsession- I can't help checking her neck. There has been an obvious change over the last week, and especially over the last day or two.

I called the vet office where she had her treatments and left a message for the vet there. We have an appointment next week, but I really want to bring her in tomorrow, whether we have an official appointment, we go as a "drop in" (it's an emergency center, so they have that option) or I drop her off in the morning and pick her up later like I did when she had her treatments. I know the doctor has been concerned about her coming out of remission, to the point where she contacted me, so I think she'll probably work it out that she can see her. (update- they called and I'm going to drop her off in the morning before school.)

I don't think III will be comfortable doing a second round of chemo treatments, and honestly I'm not sure how I feel about it either. Definitely mixed. But if there is a treatment we can do that will maintain where she's at for a little while- a month, two months... maybe through the summer- that would be ideal. (Well, ideal would be if I could maker her healthy for as long as I live... but that is clearly unrealistic.) I know that some dogs are treated with pred.nisone (she was on that in the beginning with the chemo treatments). My coworker's dog was treated with only pred.nisone and for him it kept him fairly healthy for over six months.

I continue to be broken hearted that this is happening. I love her so much and I can't imagine what it will be like when she's gone. I've taken so many photos of her, and lately a number of videos too. But I'll miss how soft she is just behind her ears. I'll miss how she rolls over for a belly rub when III walks in the room. I'll miss how she comes wiggle-butt running up to me when I get home for loves. I'll miss how she climbs up just to sniff my face just to be sure of me. I'll miss the little growls she makes when she's playing with a toy, especially when we're petting M-dog and she's trying to convince us how much fun she's having without us. I'll miss seeing her tearing around the backyard and trying to get M to play with her. I'll miss the feeling of her when she lays next to me and rests her face on my knee, or curls up as close as she can to me on the couch and falls asleep with her head on my shoulder. Those are the things you can't capture in a photograph. Those are the things you can't film. You can't bottle those memories.

It's hard to be going through this again, but at least this time I'm prepared. When she was so sick back in January, I thought we were going to have to put her to sleep and I felt like "I didn't know this was the last time I had with her!" She was so sick and confused, too, that she was afraid of me- I was the person making her take these pills and do things that made her hurt. I was devastated that she was going to die afraid of me, and convinced that she didn't know how much I love her.

If nothing else, these six "bonus" months have given me time to ensure that she knows my love. Though she is "just a dog", I can tell that she knows that I love her best. When we do have to have her put to sleep, I know she will go loving me and feeling my full love in return.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Good morning.

I plan to write a more detailed account of my morning, but I'm sleepy and could use a nap. But I know some of my awesome blogging buddies are waiting for an update after my disastrous Thursday and my redeeming Friday. :)

Things went well this morning. They transferred 2 embryos- an 8-3 and a 9-3.

I know that the first number means how many cells it has divided into so far. I know they grade it based on fragmentation, but I actually think the 3 means "day 3". There were 3 other embryos, but they were not high enough quality to freeze (one was a 6, one was a 7, and I don't know what the third was... but, again, I don't know about the fragmentation).

The transfer itself went really easily and I got to watch it on the screen. The doctor was super pleased, and said the the whole process went exactly as he wants a transfer to go.

When I post more later, I'll share the "How to stay sane" while waiting for your beta sheet they gave me- it was awesome. LOL

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Contemplating a move...

I've been checking out as a possible move... I like blogger and I'm comfortable here. But lately, I've wished I could password protect specific posts, and WP allows for that. There are things I want to get out of my head that I don't necessarily want all to read. I know it's *my* blog and that I should be able to say whatever I want, but it's still read by *real* people with real feelings and opinions. I love that people read my blog and I love the connections I've made here... but there are still deep dark thoughts I don't want to put out there.

But WP doesn't have some of the flexibility that blogger has. I can't use some of my widgets. I can't change the colors of the page...

On top of that, I don't know how I'm feeling about blogging and how I'm feeling about this whole process right now. I feel like I should have more optimism for tomorrow, but I'm afraid to be optimistic. I am, however, also afraid to be pessimistic. Afraid that I will jinx the process with my negative vibes. Except I don't really believe in that stuff...

Hmmm. What to do...

Friday, June 12, 2009

Good news and bad news.

I got a call today- of the seventeen eggs we started with, fourteen of them survived to try the IC.SI- and five of those fertilized.

We don't yet know the grade or whether they will divide at all- but five is much better than the zero we had yesterday.

I am scheduled for a transfer on Sunday. It is not until then that we will know the grades of any of the embryos.

Right now, I'm still not feeling great from the retrieval. I'm feeling very bloated and gassy. I don't know at what point I should be concerned. Or if I should at all. I don't have any of the other symptoms they tell you to look out for with OH.SS... But I'm a worrier so...

Speaking of worrying- the bad news. B-dog's lymph nodes are definitely enlarged. They aren't huge but they are noticeably bigger and harder. I made an appointment for her to see the vet, but couldn't get one with the vet I wanted to see until Wednesday. She is feeling good, acting normal... so it's probably not an emergency. But I wish I could find out for sure before then. While it is not 100% definite, it is likely that her remission is over. I really wanted her healthy through the summer. If the lymphoma is back, I don't know for how long she will feel well. I wish I could keep her well forever... but I know it's inevitable. :(


"Occasionally, fertilization with conventional IVF is unsuccessful and no eggs fertilize normally. There may be complete fertilization failure or abnormal fertilization (i.e. polyspermic fertilization where more than one sperm fertilizes an egg). Egg and/or sperm defects can cause fertilization failure. If a significant percentage of eggs fail to fertilize (i.e. there are too few fertilized eggs for a reasonable chance of pregnancy), IC.SI may be performed on the unfertilized eggs the day after egg retrieval. There are only a few reports of pregnancies from eggs fertilized by ICSI on the day after retrieval. Immature eggs cannot be fertilized unless they complete the maturation process in culture. Some immature eggs require up to 24-36 hours in culture to mature. It is not unusual to observe “late” fertilization of such eggs up to 24 hours after insemination. However, the chance of a successful pregnancy from these late fertilized eggs is slim."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

A little more coherent.

My Thursday schedule is: teach periods 1-3, study hall period 4, teach period 6, meeting period 7. I got the call in the middle of 2nd period. I got a hold of III in the middle of 3rd. I sent my study hall kids to another teacher and went out to the car to call the clinic during 4th. At the end of 4th, I went to the office crying to see if the secretary could get me a sub for period 6.

I wish I could have snuck out without anyone else seeing me, but I wanted to leave something for my sixth period, and that took me a few minutes to put together. In that time, 2 students and a teacher came to my room and saw me. On my way out, I saw like 5 of my students, including the one who is super needy. *sigh*

I came home and went to sleep for three hours.

Basically, this is what I got from the doctor:

While there is no way to know for sure why my eggs didn't fertilize, chances are this has been our problem all along. For whatever reason, there is some sort of "barrier" with either my eggs or III's sperm that is keeping them from being able to get it together. If we had known this, they would have done IC.SI from the start, and there would have been a 70% chance for each egg to fertilize. Since we didn't know it from the chance, this rescue attempt takes it down to about a 20% chance. The math teacher in me reasons that, out of 17, theoretically 3 should fertilize, but I'm not sure that's really how the stats work. Plus, then they have to turn into quality embryos.

My friend who went through IVF said that no cycle is a waste, because something is learned from each cycle. As disappointing as this is, we certainly have learned from it and the doctor I spoke to (of course, my doctor is out of town right now...) said it is probable that my doctor will do IC.SI with any future IVF cycles. She said that while this is frustrating, it is something that is relatively easy to deal with (as opposed to having no eggs or no sperm).

It is mid-June. This cycle will officially be over (good or bad) around the end of June. I'm going away for a weekend in mid-August. What this likely means is that I won't be getting pregnant this summer.

I've already gotten several emails from people at school and one from KB, to whom I had sent an email when I first heard from the clinic. I don't want to talk to anyone. No one I know understands what this is like. Driving home, crying the whole way, I felt like I have broken.


17 eggs.

0 embryos.

None of them fertilized.

The doctor who called me isn't mine- it's the doctor who did the procedure yesterday. She couldn't tell me why.

They are going to attempt to do a "rescue" fertilization by using IC.SI. It is unclear whether our insurance will cover it- if it doesn't, that's $2500. I'm not complaining- I know plenty of people don't get any coverage. But I need to run it by III before I say yes, and I can't get a hold of him.

Shit shit shit. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be dealing with kids right now. I want to go home and cry.

No embryo update yet...

...but I do have some other stuff to comment on.

When I got to school today, the social studies teacher (who I'm friends with) told me that SS was really pumping her for information yesterday about why I was out- to the point where she was uncomfortable. She told her "I don't know where she is" (which was not true) "and it's none of my business." SS apparently didn't take the hint...

This morning, she came right in to ask me about where I was and how things went. I shared, even though I was slightly irritated at how intrusive I felt she was being.

Well, shame on me for being cynical. Not fifteen minutes later, SS came in with a present for me- a cute little card that said "believe" on the front and wished me luck in this cycle, and a jade good luck charm that she had gotten from the secretary in our office the month that her IUI worked. She must have been waiting for this point in my cycle to give it to me. Sweet, right?

As I mentioned yesterday in my post, I missed the high school graduation. I'm very bummed about it. The group that graduated was my favorite class I've had in the last eleven years.

I started thinking about when I had them four years ago. My life was so different. I was living in my condo- my favorite place I ever lived, the first place I lived alone, the place I owned and that was mine. I was getting over that stupid mistake relationship and had recently found out I had HSV. My personal life was kind of in shambles, but I loved going to work.(Which is basically the polar opposite of where I am this year.) I felt like I was giving a lot to my students, and I also got a lot from them. They were sweet and wanted to please. They were a class that came such a long way from September to June. I had a really close relationship with one student in particular (who happened, randomly, to be related to R) and she wrote me the sweetest letter at the end of the school year and then cried on the last day of school because she was leaving me. It's the year I got B-dog, and she actually came to school with me on the last day of school because we were spending the day at a park with the kids. I never would have imagined where I'd be now- the good or the bad.

I wish I could have been there to see them all again and celebrate with them and their families. :( I'm glad our cycle is well underway, and glad the retrieval was so successful, it just sucks that the timing turned out the way it did.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I'm awake...

...and super crampy. Ick. They gave me tyl.enol 3 but I only took one because I don't want to be too groggy.

Everything went well. Lots of sitting around and waiting. The piercing situation was fine- I took all out except the two newest, and I had teeny little plastic retainers in them. They had me wear a surgical cap anyway, and that pretty much covered most of my ears. They all went back in pretty well, but I'm still working on getting the little balls screwed on the ends. What a pain!

As I said, they got 17 eggs. Excellent. They said they'd call tomorrow and let me know how many fertilized. They would like to do the transfer on Saturday, which is nice because I don't have to rearrange anything. Saturday is pretty open. :)

III's been great today, staying home from work and taking care of me. B-dog always knows when I don't feel well and wants to be sitting with me all the time.

I'm very bummed that I'm house bound for the rest of the day. My all time favorite class is graduating from high school tonight. I had planned to go to the ceremony, but clearly I'm not going to make it now. I would have loved to see my former students and watched them graduate. :( Just bad timing I guess.

Thanks for all the good thoughts. :) I'll update when I know how many eggs fertilized. :)

retrieval- check!

I'll be back later with a more thorough post, but for now...

Everything went well this morning. 17 eggs were retrieved. Embryo transfer scheduled for Saturday.

I'm sleepy and crampy but otherwise doing well. :)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

24 hours until ER

So yay for lots of follicles... but I started thinking about how many eggs that means... c had her retrieval yesterday. She had 28 measurable follicles and they retrieved 21 eggs. Pretty good odds! 75%! (Yes, I am a math teacher...)

So I did a little goo.gling and found this chart:
So according to that, on average the number of eggs retrieved is around the number of follicles measured. Hopefully that will be the case for me!

I put one of the retainers into one of my piercings yesterday- its a 3 year old piercing. I think I'm actually going to take that one out right before the procedure. It's healed and a larger gauge so an hour shouldn't be a big deal. The other two are much smaller gauge and only four months old. I'm going to try to put the retainers in in the morning and see how it goes. It took me forty five minutes to put the barbell in the tragus two months ago and there was lots of blood and swelling. *sigh*

I'm having definite cramping, especially on the right, and my boobs are killing me. I hate it every time I have a new protocol/procedure because I hate not knowing exactly what to expect.

Non ttc related:

As I've mentioned before, I've been trying to add one housekeeping habit periodically. The dishes were the first, and now I'm trying to make sure I put my clothes away each night when I get into my pjs (instead of leaving them sitting on top of my dresser until there is a mountain o' clothes). I maintain that III notices what I don't do and doesn't pay attention to the things I do do.

Last night, I asked him- "Have you noticed my newest household resolution?" Guess what- he hasn't. He walked around last night trying to figure it out, and he couldn't. He actually has commented in the past about my clothes being on the dresser, but now that they haven't been there for two weeks, he didn't even notice!!! I don't know if I should be irritated or feel smug that I was right. ;)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Okay, now I'm nervous.

The nurse (not Donna, my regular caller...) called at 2:30- egg retrieval on Wednesday!!!

What am I most nervous about? My earrings. LOL

I ordered some plastic retainers online for my 2 newest piercings, hoping that would be ok, but they won't get here in time.

I stopped today to get some at a local store, and what I got isn't ideal, but I figure I'll give it a try.

Clearly, I'd rather have a baby than 10 holes in my ears, BUT I've been trying really hard not to let this ART stuff take over my life... so do I say "screw it" and just take the jewelry out and possibly allow it to close up?

This probably seems like a really trivial thing to most, but the piercing and healing process is actually pretty intensive, and my 2 newest have been healing for 4 months. What a waste if I lose them now... :(

Of course, the other thing on my high anxiety list for this procedure is whether it will work. I am feeling optimistic about the fact that I have so many follicles, but am so nervous about whether this cycle will result in a baby.



My ovaries hurt. :( How odd. The tech said I had at least 27 measurable follicles!!!! So I guess that's why...

Waiting for the call from the nurse about what's next. She usually has called by now, so I'm getting impatient.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sunday update

Estradiol: 3373
Right ovary: 15, 14, 14, 11
Left ovary: 16, 15, 15, 15, 15, 14, 14

Tonight: Bra.velle 75 iuis, Meno.pur 75 iuis, Lup.ron 5 units

U/s and bw again tomorrow.

The u/s today hurt. :( Especially on the right. My right ovary hurt for a while afterwards.

I'm tired as shit this weekend too. I slept on and off all day yesterday, and just got up from a nap. I'm now going to try to drag myself off the couch to walk the dogs and then do some gardening.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Saturday u/s and bw

Got up early this morning for my u/s and bloodwork.

I was super relieved.

4 on the left (14, 13, 12, and 10) and 5 on the right (15, 14, 13, 12, 12)!!! Considering how few I made the last two or three cycles, I was nervous... but hopefully we'll get something good.

The nurse called and said there are still lots of small ones, so they want to give my ovaries a chance to produce a few more and to let my est. to catch up- it was 2335.

So they cut my bra.velle in half and I go back tomorrow for another u/s and bloodwork.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Be.ats so big I'm' on lepre.chauns...

My day just doesn't start right unless I hear Boom Pow in the morning...

Field trip day. Another teacher planned it, but I'm in charge because we have half the kids going on an overnight and he's there. That makes me a little nervous because I worry I won't know everything, but so it goes.

We're going to this outdoor geology/nature thing, so I put on my hiking boots and pulled out my waterproof shell jacket this morning. These are both things I bought over a decade ago. It made me think about how different my life is- how different I am- from ten years ago. When I was with my ex, "The Engineer", we would go hiking and camping and bike riding- lots of outdoor stuff. There were things I liked about that (I actually liked being seen as that low-maintenance girl who would go climbing through the woods and up the mountains), but things I hated (for example, the lack of bathrooms...). Now I'd much rather stay in a hotel than in a tent in the woods.

Life is funny.

I may be having some slight side effects from the stims. I'm feeling kind of moody and emotional, but am not sure if it's chemically/hormonally generated or just because of circumstances. I'm also super impatient- I just want everything to hurry up! The week, this cycle, the school year... I've had a headache probably three out of the last five or six mornings, and again- not sure if that's the meds or the weather or even related to the emotional stuff and/or stress.

So I'm off into the woods with forty teenagers... wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Life is short, but sweet for certain. **updated!

First of all, an important announcement:

I am wearing very cute underwear today.

Last week, I ordered some new underwear from G.ap Body. They used to make ones I really they called "Low rise ch.eeky hip.sters" but they don't anymore. :( Now I have these modal undies that I love from there, some tanga style and some "girlshorts" .I only had 2 girlshorts, so I decided I needed more. I ordered several of both styles. They came yesterday. (Cranky UPS man delivered them, but didn't ring the bell so I didn't have to deal with him, and he didn't have to deal with the dogs.) I'm wearing the purple girlshorts today, and along with being comfy and soft, they have these little details on them that make them extra cute. I love cute underwear. :)

u/s and bloodwork this morning. The tech told me that nothing was measurable yet, but there were lots of (10+) follicles on each side. *sigh* I'm feeling very impatient this cycle... maybe it's that 3 week BCP break. Or maybe it's that it coincides with the end of the school year, which I'm already impatient about.

**update! My est. was 406, which is great. The last 2 IUIs it wasn't even that high on trigger day. Hopefully that means my many teeny follicles in today's u/s will grow and we'll have a good 'harvest'. :) 3 more days of meds, and next bw and u/s on Sat.

On a very serious note, this weekend one of the guidance counselors up at the high school died very suddenly, of a suspected heart attack. He was 32 years old. :( He was very well respected and loved by students and staff.

The part that affects me the most is that he was recently married. His page is public, and on it he has beautiful pictures of himself and his bride on their wedding day. As sad as I feel for all who knew him, and for the rest of his family, it makes me so, so sad for her. It is one of my biggest fears to lose III, especially early in our marriage. I don't know how I would handle the loss or what I would do without him. :( So I'm thinking a lot about this poor woman and what she must be going through.

T minus two days to the weekend, fifteen (fourteen w/kids) 'til my break...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A vent and a smile.

I don't know why this upset me so much. It's the second time it's happened (the first time with our post man) and it upset me the first time too.

When we get deliveries, if they ring the doorbell, the dogs bark. My dogs want everyone to be their friends, so they run to greet the guest.

I understand that delivery people and postal workers have to be wary of dogs, especially big dogs. I understand that many of them have been bitten by dogs who's owners tell them "Oh, don't worry. They are friendly."

But that doesn't mean they have to be rude. Yesterday, I had a delivery from UPS. Anticipating hyper, barking dogs when he rang the bell, I went to the door before he got to our porch. I had the door open only a little and B was poking her nose in the little space she could find.

M-dog tried to get through too, but I grabbed his collar and he didn't even get past the doorframe. The delivery man started, and as a reflex to his discomfort I used the phrase he probably hates "He's friendly."

He gave me a dirty look and said "Well, he's friendly to YOU. They don't bite you."

I wish I had thought to say, "Actually, my dog has never bitten anyone." Instead, I said "I understand you probably hear that a lot, which is why I did grab him." He must have realized at that point he was being kind of a dick because he smiled and said "You did."

But I was upset. To the point I got kind of teary after the fact. (Hormonal much?) I know that he probably hears people say "Oh, he's friendly," or "He won't bite," only to find a dog who feels the need to protect his home. BUT- this is the same delivery person we often have and I've never let my dogs get free and have always restrained them when he comes to our house. I feel like it was completely unacceptable for him to be rude. And I know it wasn't just me being sensitive because III was standing right there when it happened and after the guy left he was pissed and said "That guy gave you that dirty look and I wanted to say something to him."

It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does- but it does. I don't know if it's that I don't like that people are afraid of my lovey dogs, or if I'm upset that they are implying I'm an irresponsible and/or clueless dog owner.

I have more deliveries coming, and I want to tell him when he comes again "Lets make a deal- I won't open the door when you come if you don't ring the bell if you don't need a signature. That way you don't have to deal with my dogs and I don't have to deal with your rudeness." III would prefer I don't, however, since it could result in retaliatory package loss or damage in the future.

Anyway. On a more positive note...

III was telling me about an interview he did yesterday. The man he interviewed was a widower who was in the starting stages of memory loss. III told me "I know this is selfish, but I hope I die first. If you die before me, I just don't think I could handle it." Maybe morbid- but I thought that was sweet. He doesn't often express out loud how he feels about me (aside from the standard daily "I love you"s). The depth of that message- that he dreads the thought of outliving me and being without me- made me feel good. (Even though I also dread the thought of him dying before me...)

Monday, June 1, 2009

Day o' lists

What's going on:
  • I went to dinner with KB last night. She's always late and I always end up waiting for her. I got the scoop on her month of ttc. Ovulation possible this weekend. End of cycle anywhere between the 20th and the 30th. Basically that means each of us could be finding out around the same time. Should be interesting.
  • Poor M-dog. He had ACL surgery on his right leg when we first got him. Sometimes it still acts up- we noticed he was having some trouble and started him on aspirin with his meals. Yesterday, I realized it is his LEFT leg that's hurting him. Ugh. Hopefully he just strained it by favoring his right, but, on top of the fact that he's uncomfortable, the thought of the cost of another surgery makes me wince. And I'm not sure the pet insurance will cover it- since he had trouble with his right knee, they might consider it pre existing, even though it's his other leg.
  • Because M-dog was feeling poorly, he was acting very subdued this morning. That made me concerned, so I took his temp. Yep, I started my morning by sticking a thermometer in my dogs ass. Fun for us both. Then I got to school and during first period (my worst class) I got a massive bloody nose. Clots and everything. I had to leave the class. Yuck.
  • Saturday, thinking I was being all nice and wifey, I made the bed with clean sheets. Tucked them in and all. When I came to bed, my side was untucked. I said to III "Did you untuck my side??" He said "No, I remade the bed. Your side was up higher than my side." Seriously???? I said "Here I am trying to do something nice and make the bed and you decide that I did it wrong and redo it???" He realized his faux pas at that point and felt bad... *sigh* I just can't get it right. Either he's irritated because I'm not doing stuff, or I take the time to do it but I don't, in his opinion, do it the right way. Bite me.
  • Found out another ex is getting married. Not sure why this stuff bothers me... KB and I talked about it yesterday. I think it's that, that time of engagement is supposed to be such a romantic, exciting time (although, in reality, I found it to be stressful and anxiety inducing). These exes with whom I had bad experiences or unpleasant endings- it makes me feel jealous, not that someone else is going to marry them, but that they get to go through this romantic, exciting time. It's not that I want them to be miserable... (well, not in ever case), it's just that I don't like to think of them being too happy. Petty of me, I know. But it is what it is.
  • Saturday and Sunday- 150 iuis Meno.pur, 300 iuis Bra.velle, 5 units Lu.pron. Fun stuff. Repeat tonight and tomorrow, blood and u/s on Wednesday. I don't know what to expect, but just hope that I get some damn eggs.
  • Three more Mondays of school after today. I have this great plan to be productive this week... so far, it's not going very well...
I had a very relaxing though not especially productive weekend. (So sad that it's over!) It made me think about being a parent. Clearly, I want to have a baby more than just about anything right now. I consciously work not to make a list of all the things I'm missing out on by not being a parent.

However, this weekend I thought about the things we are still able to enjoy while we wait for kiddos.
  • Sleeping in on Saturdays and Sundays.
  • Dinners out
  • Spontaneous plans, with each other or with friends
  • Ease of travel plans and vacations
  • Watching whatever we want on TV
  • Time to watch TV, read books, surf the net, lay out in the sunshine, or just be lazy
  • Time to make appointments- haircuts, manicures, doctor...
  • Decorating freedom- no need to baby proof
  • Time for projects that I want to accomplish
  • Time and energy to focus on (and probably spoil) our dogs
  • Time and energy (most of the time) to focus on each other
  • Time and energy (most of the time) for sex
I'm sure there are more, but that's all I've got for now. :)