Thursday, June 11, 2009

A little more coherent.

My Thursday schedule is: teach periods 1-3, study hall period 4, teach period 6, meeting period 7. I got the call in the middle of 2nd period. I got a hold of III in the middle of 3rd. I sent my study hall kids to another teacher and went out to the car to call the clinic during 4th. At the end of 4th, I went to the office crying to see if the secretary could get me a sub for period 6.

I wish I could have snuck out without anyone else seeing me, but I wanted to leave something for my sixth period, and that took me a few minutes to put together. In that time, 2 students and a teacher came to my room and saw me. On my way out, I saw like 5 of my students, including the one who is super needy. *sigh*

I came home and went to sleep for three hours.

Basically, this is what I got from the doctor:

While there is no way to know for sure why my eggs didn't fertilize, chances are this has been our problem all along. For whatever reason, there is some sort of "barrier" with either my eggs or III's sperm that is keeping them from being able to get it together. If we had known this, they would have done IC.SI from the start, and there would have been a 70% chance for each egg to fertilize. Since we didn't know it from the chance, this rescue attempt takes it down to about a 20% chance. The math teacher in me reasons that, out of 17, theoretically 3 should fertilize, but I'm not sure that's really how the stats work. Plus, then they have to turn into quality embryos.

My friend who went through IVF said that no cycle is a waste, because something is learned from each cycle. As disappointing as this is, we certainly have learned from it and the doctor I spoke to (of course, my doctor is out of town right now...) said it is probable that my doctor will do IC.SI with any future IVF cycles. She said that while this is frustrating, it is something that is relatively easy to deal with (as opposed to having no eggs or no sperm).

It is mid-June. This cycle will officially be over (good or bad) around the end of June. I'm going away for a weekend in mid-August. What this likely means is that I won't be getting pregnant this summer.

I've already gotten several emails from people at school and one from KB, to whom I had sent an email when I first heard from the clinic. I don't want to talk to anyone. No one I know understands what this is like. Driving home, crying the whole way, I felt like I have broken.


Jess said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry! My heart is aching for you and you will be in my prayers! Nothing can take away your pain...cry it out! Your friend is learned something from this and if you do another cycle, you will know what needs to be done next time.

Big LONG hugs!

michelle said...

I remember the same feeling - that I had fundamentally changed somehow - the same day I sat on the steps outside my office and heard the words that I was infertile. Could not have kids of my own. It sucks.

I am praying that the next cycle will reap the benefits of what has been learned this time around for you.

It still sucks but don't give up hope.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, I am so sorry - I am just catching up on the blogs and I cannot believe this - I am so sorry.

((HUGS)) I wish that there was more I could do or say.

It is a very lonely place at times - be where you need to be - also, please email me if you want to vent.

Thinking of you