Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I'm having a difficult day... (post #2)

It should be a good one. Last day of school.

But I'm feeling so despondent today.

I'm feeling very un-pregnant.

But most of all, I'm all of a sudden terrified about losing B.

She's sleeping right now. She's always exhausted after treatment day.

Her lymph nodes are still swollen- especially the left one. It's huge.

Clearly. It's not like the instant the meds go into her body they are going to take care of it.

But what if it doesn't work?

We're leaving in a week for a week's vacation to visit family. I don't want to go. I want to stay home and take care of her.

I went back and looked at the other records from her previous treatment. This medicine was the 4th week. After 3 weeks of other treatments.

Plus, I misunderstood the vet. I thought the other med (the one that causes her wbc to drop so much) was the one that could only be given a limited amount of times, but it turns out it's not- it's the med I chose.

If I had understood that, I don't know if I would have made a different decision, since the other med affects her wbc count so much.

I'm not ready for this. I need her to get better, at least for a little while.

I'm not a pray-er. I'm not even sure I believe in god. But I have this urge to drop to my knees and pray Please... please don't take her away from me yet.

I'm panicking. I may be losing my mind...


michelle said...

I am so sorry for how hard this all is. You are not losing you mind. You are just a warm caring dog owner who is faced with something really hard, impossible even and to top it off you are going through all of the impossibly hard emotions around fertility treatments.

I know we can never really stop entirely to take care of ourselves - life always seems to be too demanding of us for that - but remember to take some time out of each day to take care of yourself. Even if it is a moment to just breathe in, breathe out.

I don't mean to sound like an overbearing commenter, but have been there lately too - different things overwhelming me - but hang in there and remember that B KNOWS how much you love him.

Anonymous said...