What's going on

As I mentioned in a previous post, there's something big going on with us. It's kind of making me miserable, which kind of pisses me off. Why can't I just have a short time when things are easy and perfect???

If you've been with me a while, you may have read the background in this post. We did spend last summer in City B, and with the one year anniversary of his transplant coming up, III's dad is doing really well. But III still hates it here and he still misses his family and friends.

Because the economy has been so bad, III had told me that it would probably be a year, or even two or three before we even had the option of being transferred. Which was completely fine with me.

Mid-June, on a Wednesday morning, III told me that he recently found out that a transfer may be more imminent. Because of the baby, we talked about potentially taking his name off of the list for a transfer temporarily... that would have given us at least 6 months to a year before it came up.

Later that day, before we could do anything, he got the call that the transfer was approved. And we had to give a yes or a no by noon the next day.

That was a bad day.

If we had turned down the transfer, we would not be offered another for at least two years. If we took the transfer, and then changed our mind, we would not be offered another for at least four years. III decided it was time to "shit or get off the pot", as they say. He said if we didn't do it now, we'd never do it, so two years of four years wasn't going to make any difference.

So he accepted. And we've been seeing our therapist weekly since then hashing it out. We were supposed to be spending that time exploring the pros and cons of both staying and going, but that's never really what happened. It basically turned into operation get-me-to-agree-to-city-B.

At our last appointment, our therapist asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her "I'm not thrilled, but I just don't feel like I have a choice."

So in mid-November we're moving. We're leaving this city I love. The city where I felt at home the first minute my plane touched down almost seventeen years ago. The city where I've developed my own 'family'. The city I know the ins and outs of. Where I have educated over one thousand children. Where all my connections are. We're leaving the home we made together- our first marital home. The little insulated life we have created here.

We're moving. To a city where I know nearly no one- and absolutely no one who is not somehow already connected to my husband. Where my in-laws, who mean well but drive me crazy and just don't get me, live. Where they will have constant expectations about and input into our lives.

I fully understand the benefits of this move for our family. I understand how this is going to be good for our baby. But when I asked III to make me a "pros" list of what benefits there are for me- just me as an individual- he couldn't even come up with one.

I know I'll be okay. I am an extrovert who makes friends easily. I'm having a baby, which will be an automatic "in" to making new connections. I'm not one to sit on my butt and mope and feel isolated and sorry for myself. But I'm devastated to be leaving my home.

Our house goes on the market next week. They are having an open house on Sunday. The realtor sent a "stager" in this week. She spent both days packing up all of our 'clutter' and moving our furniture around. I ended both days in tears, and now I'm living in a space I hate. This is not my home. I am not comfortable in my own house. I can only hope it sells quickly to someone who is willing to wait to move in until November so that we can put it back the way it belongs.

So that's what's going on. The fear and sadness that is hanging over my head as I try to prepare for the most joyous experience in my life.

I know it will be okay. I just wish it wasn't happening right now.