Monday, April 5, 2010

In a bind...

I have a long and complicated problem.... I apologize for the length of the post. But I'm really struggling.


I grew up in a suburb of City A. III grew up about seven hours away in a suburb of City B. We met out here where we live now.

I have lived here for over fifteen years. I did not enjoy living in City A. I felt like it was not diverse enough, in any way. People were much more conservative and much more "proper" than where I am now. And much more conservative and much more "proper" than I am myself.

I love where we live now.

III lived in City B his whole life until five years ago. He's an only child, and very close with not only his parents, but his extended family. He was basically forced to move out here for a job opportunity.

III hates where we live now.

Ever since he moved out here, III has wanted to move back closer to City B. But it's a pretty small city, so he has been trying for five years to move to big City C, which is under two hours from City B. City C is one of the cities that I'd consider living in.

Why is this all coming up now?

I had mentioned in a previous post that, after multiple heart attacks, an episode of cardiac death, and then resulting issues (including weakened heart muscle), the doctors had suggested that FIL get a transplant.

After many doctor's appointments, meetings, and what sometimes seemed like interrogations, my understanding was that they had been told that they would find out soon where on the list he would be.

Yesterday, III's mom told him that they are now unsure that FIL will be on the list at all. He's had some cancerous skin cells removed from his face in the past. They have always gotten all of the offending cells, and he hasn't had any further treatments, but they are afraid that with a transplant, his immune system would be weakened, and his body would not be able to handle the potential for the skin cancer to return and/or become more severe. So there is a conversation going on between two doctors right now that will essentially decide his fate.

III is devastated. He had finally come to terms with the fact that his dad needed a transplant, now we're back to the possibility that all there is to do is wait until his heart gives out for good.

This type of thing is hard in any situation, but it's especially hard for III, who is 1500 miles away from the family to whom he's always been so close.

I don't want to leave here. But I love my husband, and it's torture to watch him in so much pain.

I asked him yesterday about the possibility of moving to City C. In terms of work options for III, it would probably be 3-5 years before we could get there.

If we wanted to move to either City A or B, III could probably start work there almost immediately.

Complicating the problem? Once we move, we're there for good. I wish we could say "Let's move there now now, for the next five years and then we can always leave and go somewhere else if we don't like it." But, for reasons I won't go into here, we can't. Once we go, we're there for good.

Living in City B just is not an option for me. I love III, but I'd be miserable. Even though it's a city, it has a very small town attitude. It's not at all diverse, and it's very conservative. We'd be with his family all of the time. His family is very nice, and they mean well, but as I've discussed in the past, I just don't fit in. His mom can be overbearing and controlling and his family is outspoken in a way that implies they either don't know or don't care that others might feel differently. I don't know anyone else there and there would be few outlets for me.

City A is a better option. We'd be a little further from his family, but still driving distance or a half hour flight away. It's a little more diverse, but definitely has more options in terms of culture and things to do. My parents live there, but they are very much into their own lives and routines and, even III believes, would be much less cloying than his parents would if we lived close by.


I have some sort of block against moving back to City A. Why? I think part of it is almost snobbery. I did not like living there fifteen years ago. I have always felt like I escaped. It was a matter of pride that I got out of there. It's not like it's this horrible place... but I never felt like I fit in- not that I was less, but more that I was invisible.

When I visit, and I run into people with whom I went to high school, I always feel smug when I tell them "Oh no. I live in X." I know that is not an attractive quality, but it is what it is.

And I really do love it here. I belong here in a way I've never belonged anywhere else.

But III does not. He feels like a fish out of water. He hates so much about it here... So City C has been a compromise.

As is usual for me, the worst part is the uncertainty. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'd love living in City B. Maybe I'd enjoy returning to City A and making a life there. But maybe I wouldn't. So I don't know what to do. FIL is likely going to die sooner rather than later. III should be with his family. But do I potentially sacrifice where I am comfortable living for the rest of my life (or at least until retirement) because of this? If we don't move, will III resent that we stayed- will he resent me? He says he won't. That it's part of being married. But does he know for sure?

And all of the is ignoring all the other issues that come from moving away. Leaving KB would break my heart. I think I would cry every day. Plus... we're still not pregnant. Our doctors, who we've been working with for close to two years now and who are in one of the top infertility clinics in the country, are HERE.

But this could be the last time III potentially has with his dad. Forever.

I don't know what to do. :(


Fran said...

This is really difficult sweetie...and very personal also so I'm not sure that what any body can say will be of any help. In any case, I personally would see the fact that III's dad is doing poorly as some form of priority. Of course I don't know the reasons why if you move you'll have to stay for good, but I wonder if there is even the possibility of moving somewhere else in the future that would make "this" move a bit more bearable for you. Could you move somewhere else instead? Somewhere that is still closer to your ILs but that will represent a fresh start for you too? Thinking of you and I'm hoping that the fact that you are also concerned about fertility treatment will not be at all a reason not too move in just a few days time. Fran

Frenchie said...

Oh Krikes--
I really wouldn't know what sort of assvice to offer up on this one. I just wanted to acknowledge how hard this is and say I'm thinking of you...and III

Amaprincess said...

I'm so sorry to read about what you have been going through. I know from experience that being unhappy where you live takes a huge toll on your marriage. I was miserable when we lived in San Diego and we fought a lot. We couldn't agree where we wanted to live we moved back to where we grew up and things are so much better for us. I hope that you and your husband come to a decision that you will both be content with. Your father in law is in my prayers!

c by the sea said...

what about III taking FMLA and going out to spend a few weeks or months with his family?

hopefully those embryos you've got in you right now are in it for the long haul, but in the off chance they aren't, it would be financially difficult to move to another state where you probably wouldn't have fertility coverage which you seem to have now.

it sucks that you have to think of all of these things. i know how horrible it is to live in a place you aren't happy, though and i think the compromise city is probably your best bet long term. are there other temporary options for your husband to be near his family short term, like the summer or just a few weeks here and there?

BTW, thinking lots of good thoughts for those embabies!