Monday, April 18, 2011

Big day!

In a little over an hour, I leave for my anatomy scan. I have really mixed feelings coursing through me.

I'm nervous. Nervous about all the potential bad things that could be discovered. My ultra fertile, ultra easy-pregnancy, ultra naive sister asked me if I was excited and I told her "Yes, and nervous." She said "Nervous about what?" I said "Bad news." It doesn't even really occur to her that it could happen. I mean, yes, intellectually, she knows bad things happen in pregnancy. But to her the anatomy scan was soley an exciting time to see her baby and find out whether it was a boy or girl.

But I am excited too. I'm pretty sure I've been feeling some small kicks and pokes, so I feel pretty confident that baby is alive. (Dead baby is at the top of my fear list.) III sent me a text a little while ago. It said "Doctor's address? I'm excited!!! ({})" I'm really excited about his excitement. I've had all the symptoms and growth and now little kicks... I've heard the heartbeat every week and was at the last ultrasound alone. This will be his first time to really see the baby and connect to it. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and happy for him. :)

What I am most embarrassed to admit is that I'm having some anxiety over the gender reveal. Obviously, especially after all we've been through, a full term, healthy baby is our #1 priority. However, I've found myself leaning more towards hoping we're having a girl over a boy...which surprises me a little. I've always dreamed of watching III be a daddy to a son, and even before I met III I had it in my head that I'd want to have a boy first. There are a number of reasons for the switch... I think one is that 'feeling' every pregnant woman gets. I just feel like it's a girl. My nurse who checks the heartbeat each week thinks its a girl, and has said it each time. So maybe 'girl' has just gotten into my head.

The anxiety of it, however, I think comes from my parents. My mom has been telling me she wants me to have a girl since before I got pregnant. My sister has a boy and is pregnant with another boy. My mom wants to buy pretty dresses and cute shoes. (Well, who can blame her? So do I, to be honest...) I spoke to them yesterday and I told my mom "I hope you're not too disappointed if it's a boy!" and she of course assured me that she is thrilled that I am pregnant and just wants a healthy grandbaby, boy or girl.

The final cause of my anxiety is my dad. He has asked me no less than five times (at least one of them long before I was pregnant- before even my first loss) if we have a boy whether we are going to have a bris. I told him we hadn't even discussed it yet (every time)... but I think the answer is going to be no. I'm Jewish, III is Catholic. We had a non-denominational wedding. Part of the reason my dad is asking is that, before we got engaged, III sat me down for this big talk about what we might do about religion if we did progress to marriage. At that time (over five years ago now) he expressed that he would be open to raising the kids Jewish. Now... I'm not even sure he remembers saying that. We haven't practiced any religion at all since we've been married. I mean, of course a Christmas dinner here with his family, and a Passover seder there with KB's parents... but nothing really religious.

So at this point, I'm not sure how we will raise our kids in terms of religion. We've just been working so hard on getting a kid here. I did tell my parents (several years ago now) that they shouldn't have any specific expectations in terms of religion for our kids- that we were going to muddle through and put together what works best for us, and it might not be what they would prefer. But still, my dad asks.

So, if we have a girl... it's one less thing we have to worry about.

In just a few short hours, though, we'll know. And knowing always eases my anxiety. Even if what I worry about comes true, at least then we can start to make a plan. And if the 'worst' thing that happens is that our baby has a penis and I have to tell my dad that we will not be having the ceremony? Well, I think that will make us pretty lucky.

So wish me luck for a healthy, growing, active baby- boy or girl! I'll update all of you, my bloggy friends, either tonight or tomorrow morning.

6 comments:

Fran said...

good luck! Can't wait for the update!

Krista said...

Can't wait to hear about the big reveal! You've come such a long way...I'm proud of you!!

Jamie said...

I'm so excited! Good luck!

SLESE1014 said...

Wishing you hugs and luck and a wonderful easy perfect ultrasound!!! How exciting for you and III.


Can't wait for the update!!!

LisainSK said...

I know what you mean about the gender reveal thing...in my mind I envisioned raising a baby girl but everytime I saw LN10 on the ultrasound screen I saw a boy as he was soo incredibly active. When the tech told us "boy" I was stunned...happy...but at the same time sad as my thoughts of raising a girl could be no longer. But now that I know...its sooo much fun. I feel so much more connected to LN10. And totally normal for the fertiles to wonder why we are basket cases...I just bite my tongue now when talking with a fertile with regard to pg anxiety. And the whole religion thing...tell me about it!! There was EXTREME pressure as to which church A and I would get married at - Lutheran or Catholic - and MIL was not happy her DS was getting married in the Lutheran church. So I expect there to be some drama again when we choose what to baptize the baby...Catholic or Lutheran. In my mind its an easy decision...Lutheran...as the Pope denounces IVF. Wonder what he'd think about DE IVF?!! Frankly I don't give a damn (oops...a bit of a touchy subject you can see). CAn't wait to see the news of your anatomy scan.

LisainSK said...

I know what you mean about the gender reveal thing...in my mind I envisioned raising a baby girl but everytime I saw LN10 on the ultrasound screen I saw a boy as he was soo incredibly active. When the tech told us "boy" I was stunned...happy...but at the same time sad as my thoughts of raising a girl could be no longer. But now that I know...its sooo much fun. I feel so much more connected to LN10. And totally normal for the fertiles to wonder why we are basket cases...I just bite my tongue now when talking with a fertile with regard to pg anxiety. And the whole religion thing...tell me about it!! There was EXTREME pressure as to which church A and I would get married at - Lutheran or Catholic - and MIL was not happy her DS was getting married in the Lutheran church. So I expect there to be some drama again when we choose what to baptize the baby...Catholic or Lutheran. In my mind its an easy decision...Lutheran...as the Pope denounces IVF. Wonder what he'd think about DE IVF?!! Frankly I don't give a damn (oops...a bit of a touchy subject you can see). CAn't wait to see the news of your anatomy scan.