Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I think I suck. **update**

No school today. Phew! I needed a day.

So I spent the morning with KB and her cutie M. M just makes me smile. She's almost three and she acts it! But she's so smart and spunky and I love spending time with her.

I feel like I'm such a lump lately, though. I am sure I was not a very entertaining friend. I'm not very positive or optimistic. I'm actually feeling very "dark and twisty". As much as I loved seeing M and as much as I cherish the time I spend with KB, it wasn't really "fun". And I'm sure it wasn't for KB either.

I'm not worried about it causing an issue in our friendship right now. I know KB loves me and that she understands why I am the way I am right now. I just wish I wasn't.

I had therapy this week and my therapist told me that nothing I am feeling or doing right now is unwarranted. Nothing is over the top. I am feeling and acting appropriately for how my life has been. She gave me permission to be unproductive and to grieve, as long as I'm not wallowing (as that could make me feel worse). (Those are my words, not hers, but was the general gist of things.)

To continue our shitty fall, III's dad is back in the hospital. After his cardiac arrest two months ago, they put in an internal de.fibrillator. It shocked him four times in twelve hours. That's bad. It means either his heart isn't working properly or his IDB isn't working properly. I haven't spoken to III- he's at work and didn't want to talk- just sent me a text. We just really need a break.

Not getting one in the next hour or so, though. I'm off to see Dr. Z for my hystosonogram or whatever it's called. Keep your fingers crossed for me that things are clear enough to progress without any necessary procedures or surgeries first. :(

**update

I guess it's called a "Sonohystogram". Whatever it was, it's clear. The fibroid that has been there since the beginning does not "infringe" upon my uterine cavity, according to Dr. Z. He said everything looks good. :) My nurse, Donna, even said that I had a "beautiful endometrial lining". LOL. So now we wait for the blood tests to come back, which hopefully will happen before 11/24 which is when we sit down with Dr. Z to decide where to go next. Let's hope it's directly to FET which hopefully will lead directly to a 9 month pregnancy... *sigh*

6 comments:

IZ-REAL said...

hystosonogram... DAMN. -IZ

just me, dawn said...

Sorry to hear that things are looking bleak. I hope that your hsg goes smoothly, while mine was no piece of cake....it was bearable compared to the emotional pain I had been through. I would not want to do it again, but i survived....hoping your is as good or better. sending you a hug.

Heather said...

Hope your saline sonogram wasn't as painful as mine! (I'm weird though because my HSG was not at all painful. Figures.)

You are right, you do deserve a break. I hope your FIL is okay.

Take care.

JC said...

I'm sorry things are so tough all over right now. I hope things turn around and you have a baby soon and your FIL is ok too. ((Hugs))

irrationalexuberance said...

You do not suck. At all. You've just had an incredibly challenging few months.
Glad all was clear on the scan!

LuckyOnce said...
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