Thursday, November 5, 2009

I'm so tired of being sad

I miss B so much it actually is a physical pain. I was just looking at pictures of her and watching a few videos I had... it just feels unfathomable to me that she is gone forever. I want her back with me. I want to hug her and have her lean against my side. I want to watch tv while she sits on my feet. I want to take her in the car and let her smell the air rushing by. I can't put into words how much I miss her. I feel like the feeling will never go away. And I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday, I also had a former student on my mind. He died about a year and a half ago from a flu that turned into pneumonia that was then complicated by MR.SA. A sweet, amazing (if dorky) kid who was smart, super talented, and just so positive and happy. I'm sure he got picked on... he had a 'rat tail' for years and such a goofy laugh. But he didn't care- he was always nice to other kids and was completely happy with who he was. When he died, kids said things about him that I wish they would have told him while he was alive. He amazed and touched people during his short time here. I know he would have done amazing things with his life. His seventeenth birthday would have been next week.

I'm having a hard time not thinking about the fact that I would have been pregnant. That I would have been starting to tell people. I want to do something right now about it, but I have to wait for my period, and then all the tests and appointments.

I feel like I should be feeling better by now. I feel like I should be snapping out of this funk. But I'm not. I want to do something to make it stop... but I don't know what to do.

6 comments:

Katie said...

You have a way of making me get teary when you write bout your beloved B-dog. I completely understand you pain, and wish I could give you a big hug.

Sometimes we just have to embrace the sadness and be okay with grieving. You experienced two completely traumatic events simultaneously, and you have every right to be in this funk. I know it gets tiring...maybe it's because you just aren't feeling hopeful right now. I'll bet when your period comes things will start to turn around.

Hang in there..

Anonymous said...

This is one of the things I really hate about miscarriage/infertility. People's expectations are that you should bounce back quickly. Same thing with the loss of a pet. "Well, it wasn't a 'real' child." Even if people don't say that, you feel like they're thinking it, and it makes you have unrealistic expectations of yourself. If you had lost a infant or a toddler, no one would expect you to be over it after a month and a half. Give yourself a break, my dear...

((hugs))

-K

Auntie Keri said...

Losing a pet is probably one of the hardest things. I remember when my beloved B passed away I was miserable for months ... literally months! My husband would come home and find me looking at all his pictures. A lot of people don't understand probably never will, but there are a slew of us out there that do. Me being one. Take all the time you need to grieve!

irrationalexuberance said...

Sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear you are so sad. You've had two terrible losses in the past month, and it's totally reasonable to still be sad and miss her a lot. I know that work has been keeping you really busy (you teachers are amazing), but see if you can carve out some "you" time to do something to treat yourself nicely. Do take care, ok?

JC said...

Awe I'm sorry your sad! I hope you are feeling better soon.

c by the sea said...

so sorry you are so sad :( i hope the sun shines upon you soon.