Friday, March 27, 2009


III loves to work out. He's always on a mission to find new and diverse workouts that challenge his stamina and make him stronger. One way he does this is through websites like t-n.ation dot com. These sites have legitimate health and fitness information, but they are geared towards men, so they also have, what I old fashionedly refer to, as pin-ups. The ones on t-n.ation tend to be more fitness competitors, but they're still super skinny and practically naked (and airbrushed). Like this:
I didn't used to have issues with my boyfriends looking at pictures of models like this. I didn't even have a problem with p.orn (to a reasonable extent). But now it bothers me... I think there are a number of reasons for this...

I've gained at least ten pounds since we got married. I know ten isn't a terrible amount, but it's not just the weight- I was really toned, especially in my abs area. I did pilates twice a week, and walked B-dog twice a day. I also (though I didn't know it at the time) had a s.mall i.ntestine b.acterial o.vergrowth... so I guess that wasn't a good thing, but damn! I looked good! I'm not as disciplined about exercise anymore, and I'm actually absorbing my nutrients, so now there's more padding and less shape. I worry that III will be disappointed that I don't look like that anymore. He says he's not, but then I know he looks at these sites 3-4 times a week...

Also, we've been kind of in a slump lately at home and in our relationship. It's not terrible, but... for example, we haven't had s.ex in three weeks. :( I feel like he doesn't want to. I know we're both tired and stressed out, but it's hard not to take it personally.

Finally, there is the issue with III and p.orn. I may or may not decide to go into the whole thing at some point, but lets just say when he first moved out here and was away from his family for the first time and had no friends, he developed a habit. I didn't find out about it until after we were married and... well, it's a long story. But let's just say, for the first time, I now have a real issue with p.orn when it comes to III. I do feel that these pin-ups are not the same thing, but they are in the same general arena. If you know anything about p.orn addiction (which I read all about early on in our marriage...) you know that even pictures like these can cause an issue. I no longer am concerned that III was ever a full out addict, but there was a problem, and I don't want there to be again. (Which is why I tend to check his history on his computer- and he no longer deletes it because he knows I will look and if it's deleted, then I have reason to suspect he's been on those sites... That's how I know about the pin-ups.)

But the general issue isn't about III's deal with p.orn. And I can't put it all on him- I could decide to work out more and eat differently... but I didn't have to do that as much before, and I seem so much more tired now. (Though I recognize the catch-22 here... if you work out more, it's supposed to give you more energy, but I'm having a hell of a time finding the energy to work out...) It's about my insecurities. I used to get a lot of attention when I was single from my body. Now I don't need the attention because I'm married, but I worry that how I look will affect the attention I get from the one person from whom I do want it.


kirke said...

I feel the same way....I don't look anything like I did when I got married (only for me it might be 15 lbs....shhhh).....and I worry about how it affects the way my husband looks at me. Also, he is the type of guy who tends to make friends with a lot of ladies. That also adds to the insecurities.

I wish there was just some fairy dust you could sprinkle and that it didn't take so much work to get back into shape :)

Caroline said...

Hi there, This is a tough issue and I can relate to it. I have found some websites that my DH has looked at and I have been v displeased to say the least. I have told him how much it hurts me to find him looking at some of those women. He doesn't understand why I have a problem but he respects the fact that it upsets me and tries to minimise it at least.
Hugs to you - Thanks for all of your support. You sound like a beautiful person to me. Caroline

Anonymous said...

Yep - I know exactly what you mean - I am about 10-12 pounds heavier than when we married BUT way flabbier - the last year has sucked any desire to work out away.

What helps me and Mr. M is just keeping the lines of communication open.