Tuesday, January 19, 2010

This weekend I couldn't help thinking about how I'd be entering the third trimester if my pregnancy had been viable. I would have been 25w4d today. (I looked it up- good news is the week I'm in is no longer in the front of my mind...) Instead I have my period. It was especially hard to ignore, since I visited with KB and her family. (She was 24w this weekend.) I love her and am happy for her- but I can't help looking at her growing belly without thinking "I would have looked like that now too..."

Miss M is turning three this month and I've made her a very super cute jumper as a gift. I can't wait to give it to her. KB made sure I knew I was invited to her party (along with the 17 kiddies and their parents...) but that she'd understand if I didn't want to come. I'm going to go, armed with my camera to hide behind. I love getting good shots of the kiddos on exciting and important days. It makes me feel useful and included.

I wouldn't say M makes is okay that we don't have any babies of our own... but being so close to her and being such a big part of her life (as we left their house, after I'd given her a hug and a kiss, she watched me go through the window and called after me, "But III didn't give me a hug and a kiss!!!!)- it takes the sting away from it a little.


Anonymous said...

It's hard not to think about the "what ifs." It gets a little easier as time passes, but the first year after a loss is tough.
As grateful as I am to be pregnant again, it hasn't escaped my mind that instead of worrying about viability, I should be almost full term by now. (I would have been 37 weeks now.)
It's nice that KB was thoughtful enough to give you an out if you needed it. (And for what it's worth, I love your pictures...) :) The waiting sucks, sucks, sucks, but I just know that your time has to be soon. Your docs know so much more than they did a year ago, and they will be able to treat you with their new knowledge in mind. 2010 is gonna be your year. *hugs*


Jenn said...

I would be 22W right now and I spent most of the weekend thinking about how we would have known if our babies were boys are girls by now. I really don't know if it will ever get any easier. Every Tuesday I think about how it was a Tuesday my doctor said our babies hearts weren't beating. Every Wednesday I think about how it was a Wednesday that they were taken away from us.
I feel your pain and am so sorry you are suffering through this too. I give you credit with your friend ~ I don't know how you did it. You are very strong.