Saturday, October 24, 2009

Where I don't fit in

Not long after my miscarriage, KB sent me a link to Res.olve. I already knew about Res.olve, but I've felt wary about joining an infertility support group, either there or through my clinic. There are a number of reasons... but one stands out more than others. It's the same reason I tend to avoid message boards.

I appear to have a different take on early pregnancy than many of the women who are ttc. Or at least many of the women who seek support. It's very hard to explain in words... but some of my feelings since my miscarriage have brought the difference to the forefront.

Since we started trying (during which time many, many friends and family have had babies), I've been thinking about names. While III and I haven't really talked about it, I recently realized that I have a name in my head that I expect I will name my daughter. (Silly, considering III does actually have some say in the matter.) I love the name Leia, and, based on modern Jewish tradition, we would be naming our baby 'after' III's grandmother, who's name began with an L. (The middle name I like is Elise, after my grandma, who had a personality and irreverence I would love to see in a daughter.)

Since finding out that this baby would have been a girl,* I've been having a little bit of a harder time. I actually don't have a preference of what gender our baby is. (I'd really like to have one of each...) I would love to see III with a son, but he'd be mush with a daughter which I also will enjoy, and my mom... well, she really wants a granddaughter.

*Just the way I phrased that... it's not what I usually see on an IF blog.

So those things... I think they have made this whole thing sting a bit more.

In spite of that, I don't feel like I lost a daughter. As I explained last month, it hurts that we've lost the potential of this baby- of this potential daughter.

As I was sitting, reading others' blogs today I started thinking about this lost pregnancy, and this exact thought popped into my head:

"This pregnancy wasn't Leia."

Which is where I differ. This wasn't my baby. It doesn't have a name, I don't think about where it is, I don't wonder who it was (or would have been)... it just isn't.

I feel a little uncomfortable expressing this here- because so many of you feel that the pregnancies you lost are now angels in heaven and lost lives. And I'm not trying to take that away from you or imply that you are wrong.

It's just not how I feel about mine. It is a big part of what keeps me from the support groups and infertility message boards- and sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm on the outside....


Amy said...

I think there is no "right" way to deal with and process your grief at your miscarriage. Nor is there any "right" way to think about an early pregnancy. I don't think that your view point makes your grief at what might have been any less real than anyone else.

Alice said...

I've also been nervous about going to a support group, for a variety of reasons. There really is no one way to feel or think during all of this. I actually relate to your feelings about your loss...I have had a couple myself and basically just try to move on and look forward to success.

Wishing you all the best in your journey!


Heather said...

I'm sorry about what you've been through and about losing your beloved pet last month. (We had a cat that had lymphoma and chemo, so I understand how hard that is.) I agree that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. You feel what you feel and that's okay. I like to think that most people respect that even if they feel differently than me, but I understand your apprehension to joining message boards. It feels "safer" to express myself on my blog, where my rules go. If someone doesn't like it they don't have to read it.

Take care.


LM said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog, and for the comments. I'm glad you did, so I could find your blog. It is honest and real and refreshing. ~LM

Jess said...

Oh honey, you are not on the outside! I very much believe with every fiber of my being that my babies are in heaven with God but I don't for one moment think any less or any differently about you because you don't belive that. In some ways you are right, I/we lost what could have been. I value your opinion and I don't believe you are wrong. I know what you believe is right for you and what I believe is right for me. My uncle is a monk, so a lot of my beliefs stem from him. I love my relationship wtih God and it gives me comfort to think my babies are in heaven but I don't for one minute think you are wrong...I know not many people say this but I could be wrong. I don't believe I am but I know deep down that I could be. Does this make sense? I hope I didn't offend you...I care about you so much and I hate that you are hurting. This is your blog and you have the right to express your feelings and I know you aren't the only one who feels the way you do.

C said...

Everyone processes loss in a different way. What works for you might not work for somebody else, and vice versa. You are definitely not on the outside.

Glad to have come across your blog. Looking forward to catching up with your story.

All the best!

Lara (NoodleGirl) said...

I really liked this post. With my two losses, I never felt comfortable terming it my "angels" or using those little angel icons on message boards. While I certainly don't judge anyone who did, it wasn't right for me and seemed to want to lay my grief out in public in a way that I did not want to express it.

In addition, like you, my grief after the losses was more grief for myself and DH, and less about the potential baby. I obviously loved those little being as much as I could and I've felt guilty, at times, about this because other people seem to identify with the baby much more than I do at this point, but maybe that's because we've been through enough that the pregnances barely seemed believable to me even while they were going on strongly in the early stages.

No matter what, your opinion and feelings are yours and totally valid. And not all that unusual, to boot.

c by the sea said...

i think you said it well, that it wasn't your baby, it was a potential baby. i agree with this thought as well, though i think at some point further along in a pregnancy, i may change my thinking if i were to lose it, but i do agree that an early loss is a lost potential, and not the loss of a baby.