Friday, October 2, 2009

The ache and the sting

One week, two days since B died.
One week three days since my D&C.

I would have been 10 weeks yesterday. :( I was really looking forward to hitting those double digits.

Despite all that, and despite yesterday's post, I've been feeling generally level. The worst (emotional) pain isn't constant, although there still is a constant ache. It feels weird. It's like everything about me is going about things normally. I teach, I banter, I laugh. I respond to "How are you doing?" with an "Okay." Because I don't feel as shitty as I did a week ago.

But it feels like underneath all of that, the sadness and the ache is still constantly lurking.

Yesterday I made it through most of the day without tears. Driving home from work, I thought to myself, "Okay, today was okay. I didn't cry. Maybe I'm getting there."

Until 7pm when the doorbell rang.

B-dog is home. Her ashes arrived in a pretty redwood box. I was okay at first...and then I wasn't. I spent a good half hour crying again.

I put the box near her picture. My plan has been to bury them in the backyard, but I touched that box no less than five times last night and twice this morning. It's all I have left of her. I'm not sure I'm comfortable keeping the box around, but at the same time, all of a sudden I'm feeling hesitant to bury it. I don't know what to do.

I've been scouring the rescue pages for another dog. M-dog needs a buddy, especially while we're away at work. And III and I need something good to happen- something to be excited about. Something new to focus on. Unfortunately, the rescues tend to be run by busy volunteers so it can take a while to hear back... There is one sweet deaf pup who I am feeling especially drawn to. That's something we'd have to talk about, though, because clearly it comes with it's own challenges.

While the loss of B is an ache, the loss of my pregnancy has turned into a sting. Getting coffee today in the school caf, I was a quarter short. (They raised the price this year.) I told them I'd bring one down the next time I came and one of the women joked "You have to turn over your first born!" I joked back "Well, I don't have one so that will be tough..." but... sting. I have plans to see KB on Sunday. M too. I'm looking forward to it, but I know... that sting will be there too. KB with her perfect toddler and her perfect pregnancy. Me... still with nothing.

My "WTF appointment" is set for 10/22. My doctor is going on vacation again. I really like him, but he goes away a lot which makes scheduling a pain. He leaves on Monday and returns on the 14th. His receptionist said she could see about squeezing me in on the 14th, but that's our anniversary and I don't want to spend it talking about my miscarriage. For III to come, it's best to have a late afternoon appt, so the next available wasn't for three weeks. I don't know when in my cycle they have to do the hysto-bobber, so hopefully that won't be a problem... maybe I should call the nurse and see...

I'm thrilled that it's Friday and hope to spend all day tomorrow doing nothing. I've ordered some new yarn, because I need a new project. I'm anxious for it to come, though some of it has been backordered so it might be longer than I'd like.


Amy said...

I know what you mean. I can be tracking along all fine, and then something will hit me and I'll remember about the baby. I can't imagine having to go through this and losing one of my beloved pets at the same time. I've been knitting as well, focusing on throwing myself into projects. It helps some...

Thinking of you... (((HUGS)))

michelle said...

Did B-dog have a favorite spot in the yard? I always figure that dogs love the yard, being outside in the sunshine...maybe a spot outside your kitchen window so that when you have your coffee in the morning you can look outside and smile at her?

I am sure whatever you decide it will be perfect.