Thursday, September 24, 2009

Brokenhearted

I've said this before; while I've never been one to believe that 'everything happens for a reason' I do believe that good things come from bad. While I never would have wanted to miscarry, the fact that I did and had a D&C on Tuesday necessitated that I be home on Wednesday. I'm so glad i was. B-dog woke up feeling really crappy, and by 10am I realized I couldn't bear to make her wait until our 4pm appt.

I called III at work and he came home. We took her at noon. I am glad I decided to do it at the vet clinic. She was so miserable and just lay on the floor, but when her doctor came in, she recognized her and wagged her tail. All three of us (III, me and the vet) cried through the whole thing. It was peaceful, but we're all just broken hearted about it.

I already miss her. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe that when I go home from work today she won't be there. I can't believe that I won't be able to bury my face in her fur to make myself feel better about this (which is what I would have done, even when I was upset about her being sick). I can't fathom that I'm still here, living my day to day life, but she is no longer.

One of the hardest parts is that... she's a dog. Am I supposed to feel this way about a dog? I don't care, though. She was my best friend and made me feel a way no one else can.

I think M-dog has figured out what happened. When he first came home, and he realized she wasn't there, he looked for her. For a while. But throughout the evening he seemed to realize what had happened. I'm sure he knew she was very sick. He spent the rest of the night curled up looking sad... except when III left to go to a class. Then he sat on the stairs, looking for him, as if he was afraid he wouldn't come back either. I had a fabric collar of B's that I had taken off of her and it had been sitting on the living room ottoman for weeks. M came over to me and must have gotten a whiff of it, because he turned and started smelling it deeply. It made me sad- I didn't want him to get confused- so I put it away.

I can't imagine I will ever be completely healed from this, though I know it will get better- less painful. In the meantime I am doing whatever I can to feel better. I arranged to have her body picked up and cremated and the ashes are going to be sent to us via UPS. (Ironic because the UPS guy hated her.) I want to bury her ashes near a tree III planted a few years ago- for some reason, she had this constant compulsion to dig in the dirt around it. It drove III crazy, but it made me laugh. I loved when she did doggy things. :) I ordered a stone like this on et.sy to put near the tree- it will "match" the ring of stones III has used to surround the the tree while it's growing.
From the same shop, I ordered this pendant with B's name engraved on the back.
I should receive this in a week or two, and expect that it will take about the same amount of times to get her ashes. I can't have her with me anymore, but I can keep these memorials of her close to me. Hopefully it will help keep the pain in my heart more manageable. :(

9 comments:

MabelB said...

I'm so sorry. What an awful week for you. I totally get that you loved your dog like a family member, I feel the same way about my eight year old house bunny and I will be absolutely devastated when her time comes. And as for the loss of your baby... there are no words. Thinking of you.

c by the sea said...

so sorry :(

it is okay to feel this way about a dog. B-dog was not "just a dog", she was a companion who loved you unconditionally. i like the carved stones you found for her.

i'm thinking of you and your double sadness

Emily said...

I am brokenhearted for you :(
Wishing you peace...

Jess said...

I've asked the same question as you...is it normal to love your dog soo much? I am crying reading your post because I know it would break my heart if I lost Shelby (almost as much as my miscarriage) but then I wonder if it is normal to love her that much because she really only is a dog. I think it is a combination of being lonely and childless. I think dogs fill the void and emptiness in our hearts since we don't have kids. They become our babies and our best friends when our friends aren't there for us.

My heart goes out to you today...I'm sorry!

babyparamore.blogspot.com

michelle said...

I am so so sorry for Bdog. Remember it doesn't matter if Bdog was a dog - Bdog was YOUR dog - your buddy, your confidant and he loved you unconditionally. Loss is loss.

No matter whether it is the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a dog - grief is grief and we need to process it in whatever way is best for each of us.

Take time, give yourself room to feel grief and sadness and whatever else you feel.

My heart is thinking of your during this very hard time.

irrationalexuberance said...

A dog is totally a member of the family, and one that loves you unconditionally and asks for very little in return. I'd be heartbroken too (and tear up even thinking about my dog dying). You did a very hard, very grown-up thing today, but it was the right thing to do. I hope things start looking up soon.
Stephanie

Frenchie said...

I am so sorry. I had to put my beloved Max cat to sleep earlier this summer. It was gut-wrenching. So much for you all at once. I am thinking of you.

Becky said...

I am so sorry for your loss. We had to put our boxer down on 8-8-08 and it was one of the hardest thing i have ever done! Ironically a year and 3 days later our son was born, 8-11-09. WE also had our dog creamated and we have her in our living room in a beautiful box with a heart stone on it.

I'm also sorry for the loss of your baby. These are such hard times i'm sure. Please try to hand in there and blog as much of your feelings as you want, it will make you feel better, i promise!

The Unproductive One said...

This post just made me completely bawl my eyes out....one of these losses is hard enough but two the same week, the fact that you're still standing is a testament to your strength....

I'm so very sorry.

xxxx