Brokenhearted

I've said this before; while I've never been one to believe that 'everything happens for a reason' I do believe that good things come from bad. While I never would have wanted to miscarry, the fact that I did and had a D&C on Tuesday necessitated that I be home on Wednesday. I'm so glad i was. B-dog woke up feeling really crappy, and by 10am I realized I couldn't bear to make her wait until our 4pm appt.

I called III at work and he came home. We took her at noon. I am glad I decided to do it at the vet clinic. She was so miserable and just lay on the floor, but when her doctor came in, she recognized her and wagged her tail. All three of us (III, me and the vet) cried through the whole thing. It was peaceful, but we're all just broken hearted about it.

I already miss her. I can't believe she's gone. I can't believe that when I go home from work today she won't be there. I can't believe that I won't be able to bury my face in her fur to make myself feel better about this (which is what I would have done, even when I was upset about her being sick). I can't fathom that I'm still here, living my day to day life, but she is no longer.

One of the hardest parts is that... she's a dog. Am I supposed to feel this way about a dog? I don't care, though. She was my best friend and made me feel a way no one else can.

I think M-dog has figured out what happened. When he first came home, and he realized she wasn't there, he looked for her. For a while. But throughout the evening he seemed to realize what had happened. I'm sure he knew she was very sick. He spent the rest of the night curled up looking sad... except when III left to go to a class. Then he sat on the stairs, looking for him, as if he was afraid he wouldn't come back either. I had a fabric collar of B's that I had taken off of her and it had been sitting on the living room ottoman for weeks. M came over to me and must have gotten a whiff of it, because he turned and started smelling it deeply. It made me sad- I didn't want him to get confused- so I put it away.

I can't imagine I will ever be completely healed from this, though I know it will get better- less painful. In the meantime I am doing whatever I can to feel better. I arranged to have her body picked up and cremated and the ashes are going to be sent to us via UPS. (Ironic because the UPS guy hated her.) I want to bury her ashes near a tree III planted a few years ago- for some reason, she had this constant compulsion to dig in the dirt around it. It drove III crazy, but it made me laugh. I loved when she did doggy things. :) I ordered a stone like this on et.sy to put near the tree- it will "match" the ring of stones III has used to surround the the tree while it's growing.
From the same shop, I ordered this pendant with B's name engraved on the back.
I should receive this in a week or two, and expect that it will take about the same amount of times to get her ashes. I can't have her with me anymore, but I can keep these memorials of her close to me. Hopefully it will help keep the pain in my heart more manageable. :(