Still hurting. :(

I feel like I compose blog entries in my head (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep, which then turns out to be counterproductive) and then when I get here, I don't know what to say.

After having very little bleeding, I started having more on Saturday. (Oh great. Just what I want while traveling.) It's still going today. It's not bad- I'm not worried. But continuous. With the bleeding came more feelings of loss. The miscarriage feels more real now. While I know it is likely that this baby wasn't meant to be born (whatever health/genetic issues it probably had) I'm sad that I won't be a mom by May.

On top of that, as I'd mentioned in passing, KB is pregnant. I was due two weeks before she is. Yesterday she was telling me how nauseous she is. Yeah, well. I wish I was nauseous. (Well, only if I was pregnant... but you get what I mean...) It's already really hard on both of us. Her 2 SILs were pregnant at the same time, and then one of them miscarried- she called and spoke to her about it because she's feeling like she doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. I'm her 'person'. But right now everything hurts so much that, even if she wasn't pregnant, I'm not sure how helpful I'd be. I'm feeling very anti-social right now, but it's super important to me to keep our friendship intact through this.

At this moment, as I type this, I'd say I'm generally feeling 'okay'. That is not usually the case. In general, I feel worse than I ever have before. I got my picture of B-dog in the mail yesterday and hung it up. It looks great. I miss her so much. Having the m/c hit me, it's just all too much. I feel like I have a huge space inside of my chest. I don't know how else to explain it. A hole. Empty but painful.

The hardest thing is that I am the type that I want to do something to fix whatever is wrong with me at any time. But there is nothing to do. I can't stop the hurt. I can't see my girl. I can't make myself pregnant. Nothing.

I have therapy today and I'm dreading it. It's just going to be rehashing everything and there is nothing she can do either.

I have done two things. I called my RE's office today. I have to set up a "follow up" appointment (ie: a WTF appt) with my doctor. She said he'll probably want to do a hystowhatever to see if I have polyps or fibroids. (Which I do. Have at least one fibroid- maybe two, according to icky u/s dr.) I also have been looking for another boxer. No dog will every replace B, but we need something happy and exciting in our life, and getting another dog will do that. Plus, M-dog is already lonely. I contacted the rescue we've used in the past, along with a second local rescue and have contacted 2 places about specific dogs' availabilities. So hopefully something will come through soon.

III and I decided that our Sept '09 was cursed. So I'm ready for October. It's my favorite month anyway, and our anniversary is right in the middle. Please, whoever is out there in charge, help things turn around for us. :( :( :(