Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Still hurting. :(

I feel like I compose blog entries in my head (usually when I'm trying to fall asleep, which then turns out to be counterproductive) and then when I get here, I don't know what to say.

After having very little bleeding, I started having more on Saturday. (Oh great. Just what I want while traveling.) It's still going today. It's not bad- I'm not worried. But continuous. With the bleeding came more feelings of loss. The miscarriage feels more real now. While I know it is likely that this baby wasn't meant to be born (whatever health/genetic issues it probably had) I'm sad that I won't be a mom by May.

On top of that, as I'd mentioned in passing, KB is pregnant. I was due two weeks before she is. Yesterday she was telling me how nauseous she is. Yeah, well. I wish I was nauseous. (Well, only if I was pregnant... but you get what I mean...) It's already really hard on both of us. Her 2 SILs were pregnant at the same time, and then one of them miscarried- she called and spoke to her about it because she's feeling like she doesn't know what to do. Neither do I. I'm her 'person'. But right now everything hurts so much that, even if she wasn't pregnant, I'm not sure how helpful I'd be. I'm feeling very anti-social right now, but it's super important to me to keep our friendship intact through this.

At this moment, as I type this, I'd say I'm generally feeling 'okay'. That is not usually the case. In general, I feel worse than I ever have before. I got my picture of B-dog in the mail yesterday and hung it up. It looks great. I miss her so much. Having the m/c hit me, it's just all too much. I feel like I have a huge space inside of my chest. I don't know how else to explain it. A hole. Empty but painful.

The hardest thing is that I am the type that I want to do something to fix whatever is wrong with me at any time. But there is nothing to do. I can't stop the hurt. I can't see my girl. I can't make myself pregnant. Nothing.

I have therapy today and I'm dreading it. It's just going to be rehashing everything and there is nothing she can do either.

I have done two things. I called my RE's office today. I have to set up a "follow up" appointment (ie: a WTF appt) with my doctor. She said he'll probably want to do a hystowhatever to see if I have polyps or fibroids. (Which I do. Have at least one fibroid- maybe two, according to icky u/s dr.) I also have been looking for another boxer. No dog will every replace B, but we need something happy and exciting in our life, and getting another dog will do that. Plus, M-dog is already lonely. I contacted the rescue we've used in the past, along with a second local rescue and have contacted 2 places about specific dogs' availabilities. So hopefully something will come through soon.

III and I decided that our Sept '09 was cursed. So I'm ready for October. It's my favorite month anyway, and our anniversary is right in the middle. Please, whoever is out there in charge, help things turn around for us. :( :( :(

18 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Your sorrow is felt through your words - and I wish that there was some way to offer hope in my words. You don't know me, but I am praying for you and I hope that things begin to turn around for you.

Michele said...

from LFCA... sending hugs....

meandbaby said...

Here from LFCA. So sorry you are dealing with such grief right now. Thinking of you.

wifey said...

I am so sorry. either event alone would be devastating for me, but to have both in one week.... wow.

Please hang in there. Wishing you peace and strength for the days ahead.

babyinterrupted said...

Here from LFCA - so sorry to hear all the hard news. Thinking of you.

Shelby said...

I am so sorry that September has been so awful for you. I miscarried last June and said goodbye to my sweet dog of 8 years in January and even with that break in between, it felt like the entire year had been cursed. I can only imagine how you are feeling and I do hope that things turn around quickly for you. I am wishing you the best as you heal...

Shinejil said...

From LFCA... You have indeed had a terrible month, a lot of loss to deal with all at once. I so sorry about that and I hope that your new pup helps and that October brings some peace, comfort, and good tidings.

NoodleGirl said...

*LFCA* I'm so sorry, I had a recent m/c too (my second) along with a double whammy of other bad news, and it's just cruel of the universe to pile things on like that, as if the m/c isn't enough?

You doggie stone is lovely, such a nice remembrance. I still get choked up when I think about my childhood dog being gone and that was 15 years ago. Dogs are awesome.

BTW, ask about a saline sonogram before the hysteroscopy. They just be able to tell just from the SS whether you have fibroids/polyps that could hinder implantation. It seems strange that they want to just to another surgical procedure without trying something less invasive first.

Wishing you the best...

just me, dawn said...

Thinking of you, and wishing praying that this didn't happen. sending you all my best. ((hugs))

nh said...

from LFCA; sending you hugs and thinking of you.

Parenthood For Me said...

Here from LFCA. Sending you well wishes.

The Unproductive One said...

I had a cursed 18 months or so, so completely understand the curse.

I hope October brings you nothing but smiles....and a new family member (dog).

xxxx

Wishing 4 One said...

Me too here frm LFCA... thinking of you and hoping that October is better, it will be. Feel better soon.

Rachel said...

Also here from LFCA...my heart broke for you when I read about you there. I am so very sorry you're having to go through this. I love October, too and I'm hoping you have a great one!

{{HUGS}}

theclam said...

Here from LFCA, I am so sorry for both your losses. Miscarrying is hard enough without having to lose your dog as well.

I'm so sorry.

xxx

Lorza said...

Here from LFCA. I am sorry you are going throug this. I hope October is kind to you. {{HUGS}}

sunflowerchilde said...

Just read through your last few posts, and my heart broke for you. I definitely hope your October is better than your September.

Frenchie said...

Just checking in again. Thinking about you all the time. Wishing you a blessed October. (((hugs)))