Sunday, December 19, 2010

Happy f-ing birthday.

(First of all, can we please discuss how I typed half of this post out and then my computer froze and I lost it all. Fuck. Second of all, I'm in a mood, so expect at least a moderate amount of swearing in this post...)

My transfer was in the morning. Of 12 embryos we had, 6 were normal! Awesome. The doctor who did my transfer was one I had never heard of- doing his turn on the weekend shift I guess. We didn't like him. This conversation sealed that impression:

Dr: So we're transferring... three...?
Us: Yes.
Dr: *pause* So you're not worried about triplets?
Me: Well, considering this is our fourth IVF cycle, Dr. Z agreed that transferring three was not unreasonable.
Dr: Okay then.
III: (After Dr. has walked away) Clearly, you have children.

Triplets would not be ideal. We are well aware of the risks of multiples. But considering our history, we are at the point where we will do what we have to in order to end up with a baby.

Transfer went well, yada yada. I walked away PUPO, though I'm trying not to think about that. One step at a time and all that shit. We will be away on the 27th, which is the day they want me to do my beta. The OR nurse said if I call my nurse on Tuesday (she's out Mondays) she should be able to help me arrange a blood test in the state where we will be.

As it was my 35th bday, KB felt we needed to do something special to celebrate. So she and I planned a night out at a chic new bowling alley/restaurant/bar near my house.

A college friend and her husband joined us. III and her husband get along very well, so in addition to being really happy to spend time with her, I like that III enjoys his time with her husband. They started trying to have a baby around the time of my first miscarriage. She had commented to me the last time we saw them (early summer) how it was frustrated to be trying to do something and failing at it.

We all sat down to dinner, and Friend, who is an avid wine drinker and enjoys a beer every now and again, was drinking water.

While we were in the bathroom, KB asked me "Is Friend pregnant?" I told her I didn't know, but probably- that I knew they had been trying and the water was a pretty obvious sign.

We moved on to bowling, and throughout the whole first game I found myself "checking out" Friend. Are her boobs bigger? Her belly? Is she wearing pregnancy jeans? (It seemed like no to me for all of them....)

I didn't have to wait all that long for an answer. Between the first and second games, Friend and her husband approached me, arms around each other, faces excited. "Can we tell you our news?" As if I didn't know. "We're having a baby! Finally!"


She's due in May. KB told me while Friend was taking her turn with the pins "I asked you in the bathroom because I thought maybe she had told you ahead of time." I told her "I wish she had."

As I told III on our way home, it's not that I'm mad at Friend or think that she "should" have done it differently. She knows what we've been going through and she knows about at least the first miscarriage. But I also recognize that the newly expecting (especially in the second trimester where they have been assured that everything is progressing as it should) are starry eyed and in a bubble. They are excited to share their news with those whom they love, and a can only imagine that those people will be as thrilled as they are.

But... shit. That was it for me. I think I did a good job of faking my fun and enthusiasm through the second game of bowling. But I was counting the frames as they slowly crawled by. Friend unintentionally dragging it out, as she would wait to take her turn until her preferred ball was available.

Happy 35th birthday. Fuck.


Kakunaa said...

I know that must have been so frustrating to hear. What a day for you! But hey, you transferred 3 miracle embryos that with any luck will be your Christmas miracle. Try to hold onto that, to make your body give those embies a great place to snuggle into.


thirtiesgirl said...

Ugh..Sorry, its always hard for me too when someone close to me announces--which lately seems like every month.

You had a great number of healthy embryos though. Sending you luck and hoping you get your bfp.

Ants said...

Happy Birthday! but I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with that announcement too,a little insensitive to announce it on YOUR birthday, I would have waited or done it beforehand!
Keeping fingers crossed for you for a positive result on the 27th!

Cheers said...

Double fuck!

caitsmom said...

UGH. I know that bubble that people get in, and I agree, that CANT imagine that everyone else won't be totally enthralled as they are. But, knowing that doesn't make it any easy for me in these kinds of situations. ((((hugs)))) Sending hope your way!

heartincharge said...

Um I think you should take that birthday present back and exchange it for one that is all about you.
That's weird that someone who actually spent some time trying would nnot be more sensitive.
I hope your own good news washes your current feelings away. And you will just remember your birthday as the day your baby(ies) met your uterus!

Pookey and Me,,, said...

I concur...fuck. Nothing like being blind sided, especially on your birthday.


Lu said...

Good grief. First of all, I hope that you have a BFP as a delayed birthday present.

Second, I can't believe that your friend broke the news in that fashion. Very insensitive, but as many of us have found, all bets are off when fertile myrtles are involved.

I have to say, my last two pregnancy announcements were done with the upmost respect and honesty. Two of my very good girlfriends told me very early on and both admitted that they were nervous to tell me, but wanted me to know. It made me love them all the more that they were so careful about my feelings. If only everyone treated it like that.

Frenchie said...

Fuck.Fuck.Fuck. I am so sorry. That was horrible. Fuck!!!!!! Hopefully you will have your own happy news to report soon. But still. You are such a trooper to get through the rest of the evening with a smile plastered to your face. (((hugs)))