Saturday, December 11, 2010

Bittersweet birthday

My birthday is one week from today.

I'm not a huge birthday person. I'm not one of those people who goes around telling people that my birthday is coming up or throws myself parties...

But I like that one's birthday is "your day". A day just to celebrate yourself. So I like when my parents call me to wish me a happy one or my husband brings me a gift.

This year, though... this year I definitely have some mixed feelings about my birthday.

First of all... it's my 35th. How the hell did that happen??? I'm THIRTY FIVE YEARS OLD. Not only is that halfway through my thirties (wasn't just in DC celebrating my thirtieth with my girlfriends???) but, as all of us in this ttc/IF hell know, I am now of ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. Awesome. If I finally do get pregnant, I will be, by medical standards, an old mom.

Oh, and that whole getting pregnant thing? Brings me to another interesting point about my 2010 birthday...

It looks like my transfer will be that day. I was hoping my retrieval would be tomorrow, but they wanted me on stims for one more day. So my retrieval is Monday, and with the PGD they do a 5dt. If I have done my counting right, that puts my transfer on Saturday.

Could be a great birthday present, right? Or, depending on the outcome of our PGD, could be the worst one ever.

Adding to all of this.... the day after my birthday would have been my official (singleton) due date for my last pregnancy. Which means if my twin pregnancy had progressed as hoped, I would have already been a mom on this, my 35th birthday.

So... my feelings are definitely mixed. But to be honest, leaning more towards the negative not-looking-forward-to-it side. I feel old. I can't believe I'm still going through all of this ttc stuff. And I just don't have any room left for hope. Of course, I WANT this to work out-I want to think there is a chance- or I wouldn't still be trying. But "hope"? I just can't go there this time.

8 comments:

Frenchie said...

I know how hard these milestone birthdays can be! Especially when they coincide with a loss, too. I am so sorry you are feeling this way...I felt very much the same way when my 35th birthday hit. (Read through my archives and you will see for yourself) I don't know if it helps any, but I am here to tell you that you CAN get pregnant on the other side of 35! ;-) I am going to have EVERYTHING crossed for you for this cycle. And I hope you can treat yourself to something special for your birthday. 35 is Y-O-U-N-G!!

"Jay" said...

Welcome to the AMA club. I hope that this birthday comes with a nice surprise! It's hard not to feel old once you cross 35, but technically these eggs are 34 11/12old! Happy birthday and good luck!

sprogblogger said...

As an AMA mom who, last year, was in almost exactly the same position you're in right now - only with my 40th birthday, I can say that while you may not be able to muster up much hope for this transfer, that won't stop me from hoping that this is the one that works for you. Thinking of you.

thirtiesgirl said...

Hope it is your best birthday ever! Pulling for you.

LisainSK said...

Happy Birthday (coming up)! Screw the age thing...

And thinking of you as you approach your transfer. This PGD stuff is SOOO stressful. Thinking of you and hoping for the best b.day present ever.

Kakunaa said...

I am the same about birthdays. I sneak through work without telling anyone, but appreciate a little parental/spousal acknowledgement. My transfer almost happened on my birthday as well (ended up being the day before), and I dreaded it so much. I feel you, honey. Hang in there, and maybe this will be the best birthday ever. HUGS.

Cheers said...

Fingers crossed for the best birthday ever!

typical libra said...

Hi there again! I have a lot of catching up to do on your blog but I am so glad to have reconnected! I will keep my fingers crossed for you! Turning 35 was a tough birthday to me but now on the cusp of 40 - I look back and think - 35? that was so young. It surely is all relative!

p.s this is michelle from smoochdog- my blog is now at the one linked to here.