Monday, October 11, 2010

Bothered.

I'm feeling very bothered this week that we don't have a baby.

Bothered seems to be the best word for it right now.

I don't know why now any more than usual.

Maybe it's because my sister told me she's pregnant with her second. After trying for one month. And she told us and my parents and her in laws when she was a whopping 4 weeks. It bothers me that she gets to be so naive about it.

Maybe it's because, now that she has two, KB is finding it harder to be social. She really wants to see me, but it has to be around nap times and pre-school and sleepless nights with an infant. I don't resent it, but I do feel guilty because I don't always feel like driving to her or scheduling around her kids. (As much as I love them. We went for ice cream the other day, and Miss M climbed into my lap and my heart almost burst with love. Maybe that's part of it too.)

Maybe it's my internal struggle around T's loss of her husband. It's terrible and I hurt so much for her, because I can't imagine losing III. But there is also a voice in my head that says "At least they got to be parents together." And that makes me feel guilty.

Maybe it's that our anniversary is on Thursday. Four years married, three years trying and over two years of ART. Still no baby. Last year around this time I posted "Here's hoping that by our next anniversary, we will be looking forward to an impending birth- or possibly even celebrating a recent one." But we're not. Here we are, in the same place we were then.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the voice echoing in my head: "It's not fair."

7 comments:

LisainSK said...

I'm tired too...hoping you won't have to wait much longer.

Michele said...

Hugs...

cgd said...

I so hear you. The unfairness of it all coupled with the sense of time marching on is a real killer. I am sorry you are feeling down. Thinking of you.

Keya said...

I agree, its not fair :(

thirtiesgirl said...

I'm with the rest of the ladies. This isn't fair. Sometimes I'm not sure if I can continue going forward...but I do. I hope you have success soon.

Pie said...

Hey! thanks for your comment on my blog - and glad to provide some inspiration! We elected to do a single embryo FET (i think the doc wanted 2) but twins were too scary for me to carry. It was a microarray-tested euploid blast, and in addition to the fibroid removal (which was pretty small, barely impinging on the cavity) i did 2 months of depot lupron to treat a lining deficiency. I truly think the DL was my magic bullet, but I'm sure having a nice clean ute, free of fibroid, did not hurt either.

Good luck with your FET - transferring just one can work!!

Kakunaa said...

Sounds like a very overwhelming week, sweets. Remember to breathe, and maybe find a time to do something for just you. You know, whatever makes you feel special.