Sunday, October 31, 2010

Possibly the worst part...

There are a lot of really shitty parts about dealing with infertility...

But this one, to me, is one of the worst.

I am finding it hard to be happy for pregnant people. Not just that, but there is some serious bitch going on inside of my head.

My sister is eight and a half weeks pregnant. I was IMing with her yesterday. She had told me weeks ago on the day she got her positive HPT. It is only here that I will make the horrible admission that I was just the teensiest bit disappointed to hear that her 8w u/s went well. Isn't that the worst thing you've ever heard???? Not that I was hoping for her to miscarry... NOT AT ALL. But to hear how everything is going perfectly makes me want to punch a whole in the wall while screaming "WHY EVERYONE BUT ME?????" She got her IUD out on 8/18 and She had said to me "I might have trouble- I know a lot of people who have trouble the second time around." Yeah, whatever. She got her period 9/4 and then got pregnant right away.

I'm also bitchy about the fact that she claims she had symptoms beginning at 3.5 weeks. Okay, if you say so. I told her the embryo had likely not even implanted yet, and she said "I know, but it causes all sorts of hormone stuff before you can even test." Oh, okay, expert.* Actually, no. That's why you can't test. The progesterone that is causing your boobs to feel sore would be there anyway.

Then she says "Is there a reason your asking?" I thought she was calling me on my patronizing big-sister shit, but she was actually thinking I was asking her for symptom advice because I was possibly pregnant. :( No, but thanks for the positive thoughts since I clearly can't do it myself. *sigh* I told her I was fully aware of what early pregnancy symptoms felt like since I'd done it twice.

I told her a bit about our insurance stuff and how costly our cycle would be without it. Then she asked if we had considered "other alternatives". I said "Insurance doesn't pay for adoption either." Then she asked about donor sperm. I wanted to ask her how her husband would feel about using someone else's sperm to make 'his' baby.** Instead, I told her that my doctor doesn't think we need to.

I hate that I hate that my sister can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I hate that she's kind of smug about it. I hate that she feels sorry for me. I hate that my sense is to be defensive when she actually is trying to be nice. I hate that I know this is hard for her because she really wants me to get pregnant too and feels bad that we aren't.

Hate, hate, hate, hate. Fuck you, infertility.

*Clearly, I am not an "expert" either. And I might be full of shit. But I do feel like I have more insight into the whole process than average super-fertile women like my lucky as shit sister
**No offense to anyone who has gone this route. We're lucky that we've been told we shouldn't need to. I say it this way because I know it is one of the huge parts of making that decision for many men, including III if we did have to.


Kakunaa said...

I was soooo angry with my sister for getting pregnant the instant the docs let her. I get it.

And it's hard when people make suggestions without really knowing the full details or financial or emotional toll they can take.

It's okay to feel what you are feeling, I promise. HUGS.

Anonymous said...

We have all been there! Please give yourself a break. It is so completely understandable and normal to have these feelings.

Anonymous said...

Hats off to you if you've EVER been able to be happy others while you've been going through IF. I remember having a bit of schadenfreude when a friend who got pregnant her first month of trying found out that she was having identical twins. It was sort of an awful feeling, like at least she'll suffer a little bit. Yeah, not pretty, but true.

S said...

I hate the jealousy/envy at others' pregnancy news, too. It's so uncharacteristic of me, as I am normally not an envious person!

Sadly, my sister has PCOS, so TTC for her hasn't been much easier than it has for me. (She has been TTC #2 now for 2 years and took over 2 years to get pregnant with her nearly-4-year-old son.) But I feel ya.

stacie said...

I absolutely cannot be happy for my sister's (probably soon to be 2 sisters') pregnancy(ies). Infertility's such a horrible thing and it's just not fair.

Anonymous said...

A couple of years ago I had a friend who told me in October they might start trying. On Thanksgiving they told us they were pregnant, while we've been trying for six years. I hated her. But we're just about ready to let go and live as a family of two. Thoughts of travel and early retirement get me starry eyed. A year ago it wouldn't have. But baby dust to you. I hope your baby or your peace come to you soon.

Anonymous said...

If there's anything you are in the IF world, it's NORMAL. I also feel like it's not "me" to be slightly disappointed at others' announcements, but I'm learning to not judge myself for it, because I, too, am normal in the IF world. :-)

Mrs. M said...

Totally understand. I get ticked off at others when they pity me as well. Like I choose to be this way.

Cheers said...

This is my first visit to your blog..... and boy do I get it!!!
2 years ago my 3 (yes thats right 3) sister's in law were all pregnant and I was doing IVF. Happy for them? whatever! Sad for me? Absolutely!
And one of the idiots had the cheek to say to me "dont worry if you don't get pregnant, you can share mine" F.... Off!