1, 2, 3, 4

I saw this video on the plane when we went on vacation in February. I thought it was so cute.

Ever since then, whenever I hear the song, it just makes me happy. :-)

The silly thing is- this song doesn't make me think of III, it makes me think of B-dog.

Give me more loving than I’ve ever had
Make it all better when I’m feeling sad
Tell me that I’m special even when I know I’m not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Best that I’ve had
I’m so glad I found you
I love being around you

Seriously. Who can beat that?

Love you, B!!!!

Crazy eights!

Tagged by MeInsideOut! :-)

Rules: Mention the person that tagged me, complete the list of 8’s, and tag 8 bloggers.

8 Things I’m Looking Forward To:
- Just enjoying this weekend!
- Summer break
- III and I getting over our colds
- 4th of July vacation away
- starting stims tonight (how odd, huh?)
- SYT.YCD auditions to be done so that they actually start the competition with the partner dances. :)
- Bermuda in August
- Having a baby... (obviously)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:
- Taught FOIL
- Saw former co-workers
- Ordered take-out and bought cold meds
- Watched House
- Talked to the RN and got my stims instructions (1st blood and u/s on Wednesday)
- Took my first reduced Lu.pron dose
- Harassed my mom about choosing which week they are coming to visit
- Comforted KB who was freaking out about having to buy a new car
- Cuddled with my dogs

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
- Get into a regular workout routine
- Go to the beach
- Read books for a living (Lisa-I'm stealing this one!!!)
- Take a photography class
- Find a job that I love, can do from home, that pays well (a girl can always dream...)
- Learn to be more organized
- Make my pets not get older (this one too.... ;-) )
- Get pregnant. *sigh*

8 Shows I Watch:
- SYT.YCD
- Grey's
- House
- AI
- Dog Whis.perer
- TMZ
- The U.nit (with III)
- Ult.imate Fight.er (with III)

8 Favorite Fruits:
- strawberries
- pinapple
- grapefruit
- cherries
- green apples
- blueberries
- peaches
- blackberries (I'd like them more without the seeds)

8 Places I’d Like to Travel:
- Greece
- Spain
- Portugal
- St. Lucia
- Israel (again)
- Aruba
- Venice
- PEI

8 Places I’ve Lived:
(Due to my anon fear, I'm going to be very vague here...)
- 2 different states
- 2 towns/cities in one state
- 3 towns/cities in the other
- very briefly in another country

Hey! That adds up to eight! :)

8 People I’m Tagging (going try not to duplicate MIO):

- Erica

- Ashley

- C by the sea

- Emily

- Kirke

- Michelle

- Dawn

- Anyone else who wants to play!!! :-)

Can't beat Friday...

Thanks for all of your nice comments yesterday. I know that moods like this have so many factors- I'm probably a little PMS-y, the weather the last couple of days has been super crappy, not feeling well, end of the school year... But it doesn't change the fact that I just want to crawl into bed and not come out. It's a good thing that III and I decided not to have a TV in our bedroom, or I really might never leave...

All I have to say is TGIF!!! I'm so glad the weekend is almost here... I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend of reading, knitting (I am hoping to finish my scarf), bad TV and general slothfulness. III stayed home today to rest and recuperate, and I'm glad. He really feels crappy and needs the day.

I still haven't gotten my period, but they are having me move forward with this cycle. I had a superfluous beta this morning, just to make absolutely sure I'm not pregnant before pumping my body full of hormones. (Ha. Wouldn't that be ironic. I go on BCP as part of an infertility protocol and get pregnant while on the BCP.) Tomorrow begins stims- 300 ius of Bra.velle and 150 ius of Meno.pur. I hope this increase produces some damn eggs!!!

This morning in the copy room, I read a flier released by our state teacher's union about internet use. It discussed how teacher's have gotten in trouble and compromised their job security by posting things on the internet, whether it be blogs, social networking sites, or IM. I try to be very careful about this- I do have some former students who are 18+ as face.book friends, but I don't accept friend requests from current or former students who have not yet graduated from hs. I also keep in mind when posting updates that some former students will be reading, though I wouldn't post anything too racy anyway because my parents and aunts and uncles are face.book friends of mine as well.

When I use this blog, I do hesitate when I write posts about work and students. But, as you clearly know if you're a regular reader, I do talk about school, work, and some of the frustrations I experience- it's part of my every day stress, and honestly I'm finding this blog to be more helpful to me than my therapy sessions. It's one of a number of reasons I work hard to keep this blog as anonymous as possible. I know that there are things that I have posted that regular readers can probably put together to determine information about me... but still, I hope that I remain anon enough that I can continue to use this outlet to help me work through things. I think it's a very small chance that anyone associated with my job would stumble upon my blog (except possibly SS, and her blog is much less anon than mine and gives a lot more info, so I'm not worried job-wise there...) and even if they did, I think it would take quite a bit of reading through past posts to connect the blog directly with the person they know. What do you think? Am I being naive?

Happy Friday to everyone! Next week it will FINALLY be June!!!!

I call me a bitch...

I'm at school and my students are taking a citywide social studies test. I love the SS teacher on my team, but she's super type A. Since it's her subject's test, she is going around to all the rooms. She came to my room and didn't like how some of the kids were sitting, so she moved a few seats. We have one student who is known for being super stinky. (One of the down sides to teaching middle school.) We've tried to help him remedy the situation but... not very successfully. She moved his seat over near my desk. I literally had to move. I have little tolerance for anything today, and so something that would have been unpleasant is intolerable today. So I'm sitting on a hard orange plastic chair in the front of my room with my laptop on my lap. It's pretty chilly today, though, so at least it's warm...

B-dog's vet appointment went well yesterday. It's definitely a busier office but also more professional. I had to wait a little while to see the vet, but he was very thorough, very nice, and had a much better "bedside manner" (do you call it that with a vet?) than our old vet. He was so thorough that it ended up being kind of an expensive appointment- I was a little surprised. But I think part of it was that it was her first appt with that office, and she takes some maintenance meds that require periodic blood tests, so that contributed to the cost.

Today is the day that I'm supposed to call the clinic if I have not gotten my period yet. And I have not. As I mentioned yesterday, when I was on the pill for eleven years, each month I'd take my last pill on Thursday and get my period on Monday. If this cycle follows the same pattern, I should get it today. But no sign yet... I'm with kids until 11, so I will call after that. I guess that is when I'll get my instructions as to when to start stims. I'm ready to get going on this cycle, even though it means a hectic schedule of evening mixing of shots and morning u/s and bloodwork on a regular basis.

I'm not feeling hormonal anymore, but instead am just bitchy. I feel like I am full of myself and have no room for anyone else. III is miserable with this cold, but I still don't feel well myself so I probably haven't been much comfort to him. KB called me yesterday, complaining about her day. Because of the accident last week they have to buy a new car, but the insurance only pays for a rental until Friday even though they won't get her the money they need for a down payment until late next week. She's still a little sore from the accident too. She also found out she has 2 small kidney stones again, but the meds she would take to try to prevent them she can't take if she's planning to get pregnant again. Plus she had a parent issue at work.

Crappy week for her. She told me "I just feel like everything sucks right now. If it was just one thing- the car, or the stones, or school... it would be easier." I told her I know the feeling. It's how I've been feeling since January. I think outwardly I was sympathetic and supportive. But in my head- I just don't have room for the empathy I should have towards those I love.

My fear that KB will get pregnant before me grows every day. I know they were planning to start trying with her next cycle. I don't remember when that starts, so I guess it's feasible that she could be pregnant RIGHT NOW, even if she doesn't know it yet. Now that she has her plan in place, she brings it up a lot in relation to other things going on. (Like the kidney medicine.) I just know that when she does get pregnant my envy and sadness will be overwhelming. I want to be happy for her, but I'm really not sure I will be able to. If that is the case, I hope at least I can fake it well.

To be completely honest, I don't like myself very much lately...

Still feeling crappy.

Scene: on the couch, in the living room. III is laying down watching TV. I am sitting on the other end of the couch.
me: [leans over to give III a kiss]
III: Oh, sure. Now that I'm getting sick, spread more of your germs to me.
me: Oh please. You're the one who wanted to make out with me even though I was sick.
III: That was on Friday!
me: I started feeling sick on Wednesday! That's why I came home early to take a nap on Thursday.
III: Oh. I just thought you wanted to take a nap.
me: Huh. That's what happens when you don't listen to me.
III: What?
me: [pause] Are you being serious or messing with me...?
III: [laughing]
me: You think you're so cute.
III: I bet you just rolled your eyes at me.
me: [thinking back] Actually, I did.
III: With a little shake of your head...
me: Yes...
III: And doing this thing with your mouth...
me: [trying it out] Oh my gosh, I totally did!

At least we have a sense of humor about our stupid habits and peccadilloes.

*************************************

So III caught my cold and I still feel crappy. I just took a sud.afed, even though I know it will make me feel crappy in a different way. But I'm stuffy and coughing and right now my priority is to stop that. I'll probably feel differently in about forty five minutes.

On the IVF front, I took my last BCP on Sunday. Still shooting up lu.pron. Waiting for my period so we can get this show started. They told me to call tomorrow if I don't have my period yet, but when I was on the pill, I usually got my period 4 days after I took my last of the month.

Today, SS's pregnant belly is bugging me. I don't know if it's what she's wearing, or she's really popped, but I'm feeling especially affronted by it. She's been a little better lately about her comments, although yesterday she regaled me with tales of shopping for the nursery. *sigh*

I called the new vet yesterday to make an appointment for B, and they luckily had a cancellation so I can bring her in this afternoon. That's a good thing because I'm making myself crazy trying to figure out if her lymph nodes are swollen or not. She is feeling fine- lots of energy and very cuddly. But I'm feeling nervous. Yesterday, III said "What are we going to do without B-dog?" I was like "Why did you just say that????" But we all just love her so much.

I'm hoping she'll be well through the summer. I'm really looking forward to spending my days with her this summer when I'm not working. I also think about the dog we will get after she dies, though, and it makes me feel a little guilty. We will definitely get another dog- we're a two dog family, and boxers tend to do best with a buddy. No one can replace my girl, but I love dogs and look forward to having more- I just wish I could have them all at once!

On Saturday we had III's coworkers over with their families for a BBQ. It was lots of fun, and I love when III gets to spend time with his "people" in a social way. They all brought their kids, and we had tons of kids running around our backyard. I loved it, but it also made my heart ache because I want our own kids to run around the backyard. The dogs were great with all the kids. B-dog LOVES babies. She loves to smell them and watch them. She played fetch with III's boss's kids. It made me sad to know that B won't be around for our babies.

My cold was in full effect on Saturday, so I didn't hold any of the babies like I would have liked. The hardest part of the day was the end. III's good friend has 3 kids, one of them an infant (~5 months old). They brought a pa.ck n' pl.ay so he could nap. But then they forgot it. I walked into our "office" (the room that will most likely be the nursery, if all goes well) to find it sitting right in the middle of the room. Ouch.

So I guess I'm not having a fabulous day. The weather is rainy and dreary, I feel pretty crappy and tired, and the last day of school (just under one month from today) seems so far away. Hopefully I'll get good news at the vet and feel better this evening when I can be less worried about B.

Cranky Tuesday.

I had planned to write about my weekend, but maybe I'll have to do a second post later today, because right now I'd rather complain.

I did not sleep well at all last night. B-dog was in bed with us for the first half, and then, even though in general I love having her there, I kicked her out. She then curled up next to me on the floor (after giving me a dirty look) and proceeded to wake me every 30-45 minutes with her snoring until 4am when I made her move to the spare bedroom.

I also have this crappy cold. It's mostly headed to "getting better" except for the cough.

Sidebar- I'm listening to the local radio morning show and this 23 year old just called in to say that she is pregnant (by accident) and she's complaining that now she has to quit smoking. Oh no. Poor you.

So I'm tired and cranky, and for some reason worried about B-dog. Nothing new has happened to make me worried. But I keep probing her lymph nodes and worry that they're bigger. I plan to call today to make a vet appointment for her at a new vet. She's supposed to have a physical and blood test once a month from now on. I'm hoping they'll have an appt on Wednesday but since that's tomorrow I'm guessing they won't, so I'm shooting for Friday.

KB's birthday was on Saturday. She got in a car accident on Thursday and while she's physically ok, her car is totaled so that wasn't a great birthday present for her. :( I have gifts for her so we made plans to get together today. She wants to go to a restaurant where she has a free birthday dinner but it's not very convenient for me to get to... but it's her birthday so I shouldn't complain. I also have become that woman I never thought I would- I feel like my evenings are for III. Not because of his expectations, but just my own. That's our time together and so I find myself hesitating to make plans after 7pm on weeknights. I never thought I'd be like that... but here I am.

Maybe I'll be back later today and be in a better mood. :-/

Recent thoughts on 'neo.natal loss'

Having become a regular reader of IF blogs, it is interesting to me to see the difference in how people feel about various losses. (Yikes. The way I wrote that sounds cold... but I'm not sure how else to explain it...)

I'm not trying to open the proverbial 'can of worms'... it's just something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

I'll preface this by saying I have been lucky not to have had to experience a loss, such as a "chemical pregnancy", a miscarriage, or a stillbirth. I do have IRL friends who have (including one at around 22 weeks and one at full term), not to mention the blogger contacts who have suffered these losses.

The part that has me thinking is how different people react, and that feeling of "What would I do?" Needless to say, when it does happen, it doesn't matter what you THINK or what others think or what your religion feels- you feel how you feel and that is always going to be valid.

Until I started reading IF blogs, I didn't view a chemical pregnancy on the same level as a miscarriage. I now realize that to many women, it is exactly that. I don't know if I would feel the same way in the same situation. I also wonder how the stage of pregnancy effects a loss. I have had one commenter (who's comment I can't find now) who, sadly, has lost a pregnancy in the 1st trimester and then lost a pregnancy later (I can't remember if it was T2 or T3), and she expressed that for her it was a painful loss regardless of when it was.

Like I said, I can't know how I'd feel because I haven't had the experience myself. I do know how I feel when these things happen to other people. I know that the later in the pregnancy the loss, the sadder I am for the person. Maybe some would see that as wrong, or insensitive to those who have experienced the earlier losses, but, like I said above, that's just how I feel.

I wonder how much of it has to do with religious teachings. I tried to do a little research online. It was difficult to find information about prenatal losses that was not connected to abor.tion.

Wiki.pedia (which I recognize isn't always accurate) had the following info (these are, for the most part, direct quotes from the wiki):

• many Buddhists believe that life begins at conception
• Bahá'í Faith indicate that the human soul appears at conception
• Roman Catholic Church believes that life begins at conception
• Some Hindu theologians believe personhood begins at 3 months and develops through to 5 months of gestation
• Although there are different opinions among Islamic scholars about when life begins and when abor.tion is permissible, most agree that the termination of a pregnancy after four months - the point at which, in Islam, a fetus is thought to become a living soul - is not permissible.

I didn't feel the wiki was clear about what Judaism believes, but I remembered what I was taught- that the head and shoulders must emerge before a baby is considered "alive". (Although, that doesn't explain what happens with a breech birth...) I also remember my parents expressing surprise when a Jewish family they knew named and had a funeral and sat shiva for their stillborn baby- not as a judgment, but just because that is not what is traditionally done. In fact, a Jewish baby isn't technically named until it is eight days old (for a boy, this is when the bris is done).

I found this site that explained:

The traditional Jewish belief, also based on the Bible, is that full personhood is attained when the fetus is half-emerged from the mother's body. The fetus has great value because it is potentially a human life. It gains "full human status at birth only."

I also found information on several sites, including this one, that traditionally in Orthodox Judaism mourning rituals are not observed for a baby who is less than 30 days old."We do not mourn for fetuses (nefalim), and anything which does not live for 30 days, we do not mourn for it." Maim.onides, Mish.neh Torah, Hilk.hot Avei.lut 1:6

(That site also goes on to explain that in modern days, this is not really practiced. "Today the opposite is true. The tremendous sense of loss and the overwhelming need to grieve felt by the parents of an infant who dies before the thirty-day benchmark does not go away just because the halakhah prevents the mourning rituals from taking place. The medical profession has now recognized that parents experiencing a baby's death must face the loss, and protocols to enable them to mourn have been developed within recent years.")

My views on abor.tion have partially been formed by the Jewish law, even though I am no longer really practicing. Or maybe my views on abor.tion have been validated by that law. Either way, that information and knowledge has come into play differently now that I am trying to have a baby, and spending so much time talking to and reading about others who have the same goal.

Sometimes it's the small things...

You know how when you're with someone there are these little mannerisms that you almost can't explain that just make you smile- that make your heart swell....?

When there is a commercial or a preview that comes on the TV, either for a cartoon movie or a good action movie, it doesn't matter what he's doing- III just freezes and is 100% engrossed in the TV. It's like he's a little kid. It makes me smile every time. It's like it just illustrates that hidden, carefree, childlike part of his personality that very few people get to see. Except in moments like that.

I love that.

A bunch of randoms...

You know how they talk about 'pregnancy brain'? When KB was pregnant, she would lose her purse and forget doctor's appointments- things she never did normally. Well, I'm clearly not pregnant, but somehow I'm having something eerily similar to pregnancy brain. Maybe another side effect of the pills? (that is kind of tongue in cheek... I don't really think the BCP would do that...) Tuesday we got out a little early (school is released earlier on Tuesdays because we usually have meetings, but this week we had none) and I was all excited I would get home early and get some work done... except my battery was dead. I had left my lights on. Yesterday, I stopped by a colleague's room on my way out. When I got home, I searched my car for my laptop. With panic in my throat I called my colleague- sure enough, I left my laptop case sitting next to her desk.

WTF is wrong with me this week?

Actually, I am a little sick. Yesterday I thought it was just allergies, but now it seems I'm getting a spring cold. Excellent.

Last night, I chatted on IM with III's friend's wife. As is always true, every story has at least two sides. Apparently, her husband did something a number of years ago that caused some mistrust. She didn't give me specifics, but I'm guessing it was some sort of inappropriate flirtation with another woman. (III and I agreed it probably didn't go beyond that- knowing her personality, we don't think the wife would have stayed with him if it did.) She acknowledges that he's done everything he needs to do in the last number of years to earn her trust back, but for some reason it all hit the fan recently and she is having trouble dealing with it. If I do the math, it seems that got pregnant with the twins shortly after this happened, so I would think that would make it harder to heal because there is so much else going on. Also, as I mentioned before, mother's day is really hard for her, and it sounds like a lot of this started around the same time...

Anyway. Long story short, it was good to talk to her, and she was really grateful because she felt like I really understood. (I alluded to our own problem right after we were married, though I didn't go into details...) Most importantly, she is feeling like she definitely wants to work on their marriage and get back to a good place. I know her husband feels that way too, so I'm pulling for them and wishing them the best.

I finished one of my little projects. I took my red knitted rectangle and turned it into a little lined pocket. It will be perfect when I travel to put some jewelry or make up in. It turned out pretty good, so I'm pleased. :)More state testing today... our last one. But, based on my schedule, it should be a pretty easy day, with the exception of having to spend most of it with my homeroom. They are not the best behaved bunch I've ever had....

This weekend, we are having a bunch of III's work friends over for a BBQ. I'm really looking forward to it- I like having guests, and I love when we have time to socialize with III's friends. He can be so reserved and shy, it's nice to watch him in his element with his buddies. :)

On the ttc front, yesterday was my third day of lu.pron. Nothing interesting to report there. Sunday is my last day on BCP so then I guess we go from there!

New project

I spent the last two weeks or so trying to make a dress. I had this idea in my head, and found a pattern that I thought I could make work.

I got it mostly put together and thought it was looking pretty good... but yesterday I was finally able to put it on and see how it would come together once it had the closure in- and it just wasn't going to work. Actually, more accurately it would have worked but probably would have looked "home made". So I cut the bodice off and am just going to make it a skirt.

So this week I started a new project. With the help of You.Tube, I taught myself to knit.

So far I've only been doing the basic knit stitch. The first attempt was pretty ugly, but I got the hang of it. The second used some yarn I had left over from when I made M a doll- it was much easier to work with and turned out very nicely. Unfortunately, I only had a little of it, so I now have a little red knitted rectangle. I think I'm going to try to make it into a little bag for make up or jewelry.

I have 2 skeins of purple yarn that I bought just because I liked it. So I decided to use it to try to make a scarf. The easiest thing to knit from my understanding. This yarn is definitely tougher to use than the red yarn, but not as difficult as my original attempt. I started it 3 times, and pulled it out. I want to make sure the beginning is good because that seems to make the rest of it go more easily.

A friend of mine, who also used to be a teacher, stopped working when she and her fiancee (now husband) moved further out of town. After a while, she decided to open an Et.sy shop, selling jewelry. She's done a pretty good job and has a good number of regular customers.

I put a few of my photos on Et.sy at one point, but I didn't set up to take Pay.Pal and I didn't do anything to advertise it, so while I got some hits, I got no sales. I'd love to do something creative and sell it. I'm a little concerned about how, when you open your own "business" in that way, how taxes work... I know a lot of people do it 'under the table' but that wouldn't really work for us. So I may try again by making a few dolls like the one I made M.

I figured, if this was something I'd like to pursue eventually, knitting is always a good skill to have. :)

While I was in the process of typing this, SS popped into my room. She was contacted by an online wedding site because they wanted to use some of her wedding photos in an upcoming book. They contacted her photographer, but she told them they weren't hers... because they were MINE!!! How cool! I guess my photo taking isn't too bad. :) I actually had another photo that has been published on a website by an online tour guide type site, so if they do want these it would be the second time. Kind of exciting... :)

More on relationships and needles...

Last night III read to me all of the recent emails he's exchanged with his friend. I don't know if that makes me feel better about having read them before (it's not like it was secret, he shared them with me anyway) or guilty (he shared them with me anyway and here I am sneaking around!). Anyway. We chatted a lot about their situation... I still feel so bad for them and am worried they aren't going to make it. I think they would really benefit from couples' counseling because they just don't seem to be communicating well, but it's not my place to suggest it. In fact, I can't really even say anything to the wife unless she confides in me because I don't want her to know what her husband wrote to III.

During our discussion, our recent discussion (ie: my meltdown) came up. III told me that a few weeks before that happened, he had been at work feeling frustrated about things at home. He feels like he's not good at expressing his feelings, especially when he's frustrated, so when he tries to he just gets more frustrated. So he wrote a letter to me. A four page letter. He wrote all all his frustrations... and then put it in his desk. Three or four days later, he came back to it and read it. As he read it, he thought "I can't give this to her. None of the stuff in this letter is that important. It wouldn't really be appropriate." So he fed it to the shredder.

After our discussion- after he heard how I was feeling- he was really glad that he didn't give it to me. He said "Even after I shredded it, I was so sure I was right. That this was 90% you and 10% me. After our conversation, even though I still thought I was mostly right, it was more 51%/49%." ha ha ha. His point was that it's all perspective. Even if you have an idea of how the other person is feeling, you never know the whole thing unless they have shared everything in their head with you. I'm glad he was able to get it all out, and I'm glad that after the fact he was able to recognize how we share the responsibility for issues we have- but the neurotic part of me thinks "WHAT ELSE WAS IN THAT LETTER???" I asked him- "Was there anything else in the letter that you didn't get a chance to talk about?" and he said no...

At this point in our relationship we are having these, for lack of a better term, "unloading session". His friends have been married for about 7 years- isn't that supposed to be the tough period? You know, "the itch"? It scares me to think of what is in the future for III and me. I feel like we communicate pretty well. Not perfectly... but we try to balance what's important to share with what is naggy or nitpicky. But I know that all bets are off once there are kids involved. Not to mention just the day-to-day wear and tear on a relationship...

So, on the topic of perspective, here's today's quote: We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions. ~Ian Percy

On a totally separate III note... Yesterday there was a bank robbery and the suspect was shot (not killed- he's in recovery in the hospital). His old squad was involved in it. He comes home and says "Is it weird that when I heard about the shooting, my reaction was that I was mad I wasn't there?" Umm... YES. Most people would want to be anywhere but where there is shooting! I guess that's just a part of the job- he wants to help his buddies and to be where the action is. Luckily, everyone (including the suspect) is okay. But, as for me, I'd like to keep III as far from any shooting as possible...

I took my first lu.pron shot yesterday. It's the lowest key injection I've given myself so far in this process- the smallest needle, no mixing, and the least amount of liquid. At some point, I'm going to have to mix the lu.pron, the bra.velle, and the men.opur together, but that's a few weeks off so I guess I'll just take it one step at a time.

Oh, and I also called and spoke to the NP about the MASSIVE NEEDLES they sent me. She said those are for mixing- that the enormous longer needle helps when mixing the meds, but that with the Q-caps I may not even need it. Then I can screw off the 1 1/2" and replace it with the 1/2" to give myself the subcutaneous injection. Phew!

I can't believe it's only Tuesday. This month is crawling along in slow motion...

Two before noon...

III has a friend 'back home' who we see every time we visit. He's married and they have three kids. I've also become close enough with his wife that she and I keep in touch through face.book. I really like this couple. Visiting with them is the thing I most look forward to whenever we travel back to his hometown.

Yesterday, III told me that they are having some trouble. He had gotten an email from his friend "venting" about his wife. III was asking about the meds I take and any side effects I've had. He told me that the email said there are some issues going on.

Today I read the email. (Something I'm not proud of- III knows I have his passwords- he gave them to me! But I know I wouldn't be thrilled if he was reading logging into my emails. Part of it is the previous p.orn issue, but part of it is one of the dark sides of my personality that I've yet been able to break. *sigh* Some periods of time are better than others, in terms of that. But I digress...) It does not sound good. The wife is in a very bad place and has expressed to III's friend that she is questioning how she feels about their marriage. He is frustrated because he feels like he has provided for her in every way and doesn't know what else he can do.

This not only makes me so, so sad for them, but sad for us too. I would be devastated if they broke up. I think III would too- he was good friends with both of them long before he met me. Last week we talked about what would happen if we moved back that way (I keep meaning to post about that conversation, but other stuff has been in the way). He asked if having them close would help make the move a little easier on me, and it would. I would love to see them more often. So, I'm concerned for them and their family while also feeling selfish about how it would affect us.

As I said, they have three kids: a six year old and twin 2 year old boys. She stays home with them while he works 2 jobs. Maybe she is feeling stir crazy and overworked as a SAHM. She recently started selling a home skin care- kind of like an Avon thing. I know that she also had a hard time with mother's day last week, because her own mom died a few years ago. I'm hoping that this is just a "rut" for them and that they are able to work things out and she feels better soon. :-(

Do you think this is telling?

There was a seven mile backup on the highway on my way to work this morning.

One of my biggest irritations is traffic. Especially highway traffic. About a week or two after we first moved to the 'burbs, I got stuck on my way home in terrible traffic. I was still unfamiliar with my route (and hadn't yet purchased my BFF, "Jill"- my GPS), so there was no way for me to get around it. III called me when I was still 2 exits from our house, after I'd been driving for over an hour, and I burst into tears. Ugh. Hate it.

So I'm guessing it says something that this morning I just didn't care. I was like "Huh. Well, I guess I just won't get to school until later!" Fewer minutes at work- sounded like a good deal to me.

26 days... (25 wake ups...)

Starting to freak out...

When I saw the PA regarding this cycle, I expressed to her my anxiety about how much more involved IVF was than IUI. She assured me that it wasn't that much more involved and that many women found it easier in some ways.

Ha. She must have been telling me that to make me feel better.

I had my phone interview with the patient education services yesterday. (...while I was getting my hair cut. Ha.) That went okay. But she told me there was still ONE MORE STEP I hadn't realized I had to do- this online "med.ical pass.port" thing. So today I did it. H O L Y crap. It was so complicated. I mean, it was basically a medical history, but a really detailed one. And then talked about how I couldn't wear nailpolish or any jewelry or earrings or anything for the procedure. Which may not seem like a big deal except... I have acrylic nails (do I have to have them removed? or just the nail polish?) and of the TEN piercings I have in my ears, two of them are new and one of them I already practically had to get a blood transfusion after removing and trying to put back in the earring... (clearly exaggerating, but there was quite a bit of bleeding.)

Then my box o' meds came. I expected it to be huger than in the past. But... when I spoke to the PA I asked about whether this would change my injections to intramuscular, and she said no. That they only do subcutaneous unless they absolutely have to.

But the needles that came? Yikes.

You might be saying "Yeah? So? You did injections before. Remember?"

Well, for comparison's sake:
Yeah. WTF? That's definitely a IM needle!

I'm thinking they sent the wrong needles. Or that I should just replace the long needle with the short (the needle part screws off because of the Q cap). But it makes me nervous... and I can't find out right now because it's the weekend...

This whole thing is making me very nervous, and it doesn't help that I have another 2 weeks until we even get to the stims part.

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out...

In-Ap.ri-priate

Okay, IVF ladies. When you had to do the BCP before your stims, what pill did your doc choose?

Mine prescribed me Ap.ri. I was on the pill for 12 years before we began ttc. I had different pills at different points, but most recently (and for quite a few years) I was on Lev.ora. I never really had any side effects to any of the pills I was on, with the exception of Or.tho-tri.cyclen. But even in that case, all it was was mid-cycle spotting.

Ap.ri is making me crazy. Literally. The first week I was on it, I was nauseous on and off. This is the second week and I'm having a number of side effects- my boobs are killing me. I'm getting acne breakouts on my neck and jaw. I'm exhausted. Worst of all, I'm WICKED hormonal! I cried during Amer.ican Id.ol, of all things, on Wed night. My students are lucky I didn't kill any of them yesterday. I almost became hysterical for no apparent reason driving home yesterday. I'm a mess! I've never felt this way before.

The stim meds haven't given me any side effects. They've changed up my cycle a bit, but nothing major and literally nothing while I'm actually taking them. But this little red pill... holy shit.

Clearly, I'm going to stick it out through this cycle. I have about another 10 days I'm supposed to take it. But if I don't get pregnant this cycle, I'm going to ask my doc if he can prescribe me a different pill. I don't know if they have a specific reason they choose this particular OC, but if they can put me back on Lev.ora it will likely go a long way to preserving my sanity.

Apologies in advance

This post is not going to be the best side of my personality.

In the five months I've had this blog, I've accumulated quite a few "frequently read" blogs. Probably 2/3 of them are IF blogs. It's been helpful to read others' experiences and know that others are feeling similarly to how I'm feeling.

A number of my blog buddies have recently reached the elusive "BFP". I'm happy for them. Along with the affirmation that It can happen!, I'm an empathetic enough person to be happy for someone who has had to go through this shitty, shitty IF process.

I feel like I am holding my breath when one of "my" bloggers is waiting for a beta result. I anxiously watch their blogs when they have that 1st post + beta u/s scheduled. I want good results for you all.

But I'm jealous as hell.

I read Erica's blog this morning. March was rough for her and ever since then I've had all of my fingers crossed. It is her turn, dammit! Sure enough, she got her positive beta at the end of April. Yesterday, her first u/s showed she's having twins!

Awesome for Erica!

But.... jealousy. I'm so fucking jealous.

I hate jealousy. I know it is a normal emotion. I know everyone feels that way. I know that it doesn't say anything bad about me- that it's how I handle that jealousy that shows what kind of person I am, not that I have the feeling in the first place.

That is, the rational part of me knows that.

But I feel like shit that my good thoughts for others are tinged with green.

I'm extremely nervous about the next couple of months IRL. KB's plan has been that she and her husband will start trying for baby #2 this summer. She is excited at the prospect of her and me being pregnant at the same time; that we'll have babies who are very close in age.

Ah, the optimism of a woman who got pregnant with her eldest on the first try!

I love KB's daughter M. I'm glad I have both of them in my life. M helps me when I need a baby fix.

But it is likely that soon KB will be pregnant again. And if I'm NOT pregnant at that point... I'm afraid of what my reaction will be.

I know I will be happy for her. I love her like a sister, and I want her to have more babies. I want her to have quick conceptions and easy pregnancies.

But I know that after a year and a half of trying for my own baby, my happiness will be strongly laced with jealousy and grief.

I'm terrified for my upcoming IVF cycle. I'm terrified about how involved and complicated it is. I'm terrified that I won't produce enough eggs. I'm terrified that they won't fertilize, or that if they do they won't divide. I'm terrified we'll go through the whole thing, but no embryos will implant. I'm terrified that if they do, I'll miscarry. I'm terrified that if we go through this whole thing and it fails, that I will break.

Clearly, it is not a good day. :(

Bah humbug.

I started this anonymous blog to be able to express the ideas and feelings that I didn't feel comfortable, for whatever reason, expressing 'out loud' to people who I know IRL. Despite that, I was excited to find I had "followers" and regular readers. I'm always super excited when I get that email telling me I have a comment on my page.

The downside is that I do feel a little of the pressure of having an "audience". I wonder, do I come off as a complainer? Have I offended any of my "regulars" with a comment or belief that I have? Am I boring?

Lately I'm feeling like my readers must think I'm either super negative and crabby, or maybe even kind of schizophrenicy- a pissy post one day, my "roses" post the next, lilacs on Sunday, cranky again on Tuesday...

Regardless... I'm cranky again today. We have state testing in math. That means sitting with my (worst) class for 3 periods while they take the test for which I am to have prepared them, then teaching math (which they won't want to learn today after a full morning of math testing- but with this particular group, if I don't do something "real" they will be unbearable) for another 3 periods.

I'm also feeling like I'm in a real holding pattern with ttc. I'm not technically because I am in the beginning of a protocol. But this nightly BCP routine definitely has a "hurry up and wait" feel to it. It's five days before I even begin the Lu.pron and another week after that until I stop the BCP.

In the meantime I got one of those mass forwarded emails from a friend (she knows what we're dealing with, but I'm pretty sure she just sent it to all of her friends in her address book without really thinking about it...) with this story about a guy who took his aged mom out to dinner and then she died the next week. It's supposed to be one of those "appreciate your own mother while you can" emails, but it ends with the following:

Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back
to normal after you've had a baby.... somebody
doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.
* * *
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by
instinct... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
* * *
Somebody said being a mother is boring....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a' good' mother,
your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with
directions and a guarantee.
* * *
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a
mother.... somebody never helped a fourth grader
with his math.
* * *
Somebody said you can't love the second child as
much as you love the first.... somebody doesn't have two children.
* * *
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother
is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'
* * *
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her
child gets married....somebody doesn't know that
marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a
mother's heartstrings.
* * *
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last
child leaves home....somebody never had
grandchildren.
* * *
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so
you don't need to tell her.... somebody isn't a
mother.

Yeah. Thanks for pointing that out, random email-forward philosopher. And, no, it doesn't help that you add the disclaimer:

Pass this along to all the 'mothers' in your life
And to everyone who ever had a mother. This isn't
just about being a mother; it's about appreciating
The people in your life while you have them...no matter who that person is.

Gah. Screw you.

That definitely just rubbed me the wrong way.

So, while I'm at it, I'll ad the link to this video that has been floating around the IF blog community. It is certainly true about quite a few people (though not all). (And, might I ad, I know quite a few people who remain smug after labor and delivery.... Oh, and into middle school. I deal with them every day.)

Roller coaster

This ride is such a roller coaster.

Spa day yesterday was so lovely. Very relaxing and fun to spend some girl time with KB. I had planned to spend some of the day reading my IVF documents, but didn't end up doing it. I'm glad I waited- it allowed me to just have a relaxing day.

This morning while I was eating breakfast, I pulled out the handbook and read some of it. It gave me such a pit in my stomach. It just makes me so nervous. I'm sure part of it is that I haven't done it before. I'm always nervous when I have to do something new that I am unfamiliar with.... but still.

The part I was reading was the prep for the ER. Ugh. I've had this level of procedure done before, but still- I was nervous reading about it. Plus, I have to take my navel ring out! Yes, I realize that in the big scheme of things this is not a big deal. And I've had it for twelve years, so it's unlikely that a couple of hours without the jewelry is going to make a difference. All of this craziness, and this is the part that bothers me? Ha ha.

I'm on edge about it all right now. This process is so much longer than the IUI stuff. I start Lu.pron on 5/18 and stop BCP on 5/24. I then call the NP when I get my period or on 5/28, whichever comes first, and we go from there with the meds. They're putting me on Bra.velle and Meno.pur. They estimated injections starting around 5/30 and lasting for 10-12 days with an estimated ER on 6/11. That's still a month away! *sigh*

I just made reservations to go on vacation for a weekend with KB. We'll be gone for 3 nights and 4 days in August. I'm a little nervous about whether we'd be in the middle of a treatment at that point (if this first one doesn't work) but decided I can't just put everything on hold "just in case".

Today I'm feeling especially anxious about the fact that our IF is still "unexplained".* Much of my anxiety issues are around a) things that are out of my control and b) things that are uncertain. This unexplained infertility falls into BOTH of those categories. It is making my head spin. "Why isn't all of this working????" Bah.

It's definitely one of those days where I want to crawl into bed and not come out.

*To all of you ladies who have specific IF issues, I'm definitely not trying to minimize your difficulties or imply that mine are bigger. Or to wish for a specific problem, for that matter. Be careful what you wish for, right?

Perfect timing

“Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns...

...I am thankful that thorns have roses.”

~Alphonse Karr

I've kind of had a cranky week, between the crappy weather we've had and all this pre-IVF stuff driving me nuts.

So I decided it was high time for a Kula post.

Things I'm grateful for today:

• While school has been difficult, I am lucky to be on the team that I am. The three other teachers that I work with are very professional but are also great people. I confided in them yesterday that we'd been starting IVF this month, and they were interested but concerned. I hope we get to stay together next year.
• B-dog is still doing great. In fact, she has so much energy lately that we don't know what to do with her!
• We had a vet appt yesterday and I was able to get all her medical records (which was quite the thick stack!). This will allow me to change to a new vet more easily. I feel a little awkward about it because I really like the techs there, but I just can't deal with the vet there for much longer.
• KB. Thank goodness for KB.
• Speaking of KB, she convinced me to take a personal day on Monday (I haven't used any of my personal days and they don't roll over to the next year the way my sick days do) and we're going to have a spa day. Well, more of a spa morning, but that's okay- I don't think I could do a whole day at the spa. :) We're getting a wrap, a facial, and a massage and then going to lunch.
• It's finally sunny today! I think the weekend weather is supposed to be iffy, but it is May and the closer we get to summer the more nice days there will be.
• My lilacs are *this close* to blooming! I may be able to get some cuttings today for my living room! (In the spirit of the title of this posts, my rose bush is also looking good, although I probably have another month until I see blooms.)
  
• Insurance. I know I mentioned this the other day, but I am very aware that we are super lucky that our treatments are covered by insurance. They put in to my insurance on Tuesday for approval for an IVF cycle and it was approved by Thursday. With all the craziness that goes along with this, it's nice that this big chunk of worry is taken off of our shoulders.
• III. Through good and bad days, I remain thankful for III. The year before we met, there were times when I thought I'd never meet anyone with whom I would want to share my life with. I feel so lucky that he is in my life. I think we have a very balanced and respectful relationship and I just love him more than I imagined loving anyone. He's also got a really cute butt. :-P
• It's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing weekend!

32 days and counting...

I had therapy yesterday. For the last year or so I've felt like therapy is just another thing I have to do. Yesterday's session was good, though. We talked about my meltdown and she gave me some good ideas of strategies for us to do at home so that we don't get to that point again.

Than we talked about all this ART stuff. The good part of that was that I ended up expressing stuff I hadn't actually put into words before.

It was about work.

I just don't care.

Isn't that awful? Wouldn't you hate to hear that your child's teacher felt that way about her job?

But ART is taking up most of my brain space and emotional energy. I am overwhelmed by phone calls and appointments and medications and symptoms (imaginary or otherwise).

Periodically, we'll have a student who has had a major loss: a house burns down, a parent or a sibling dies... something big like that. Often times, that student ends up doing poorly in his or her classes. When his or her name comes up in our meetings, we say "Can you blame him? When you are dealing with what he is dealing with, doing your homework just isn't going to feel important." That's what I feel like. This is my life. My future. The determination of one of the biggest things to happen to a person. And, for someone dealing with IF, it's so time intensive. There's so much to do; so much to think about. (In fact, I've gotten two phone calls regarding this cycle and my meds just since I started writing this post.) If I just had to get up and teach I could do it. But this year I have such a tough group of kids- there's always someone (actually, several someones in each class) who is doing something they shouldn't, or not paying attention, or who can't do what most middle schoolers can do on their own and need me to hold their hands. Then I get email from parents who essentially want me to hold THEIR hands through difficult parenting that they don't want to do.

And I just don't have the energy (or desire, if I'm going to be honest) to do it this year. So I'm probably coming off as a crappy teacher. I probably sit at my desk too much. I probably don't have enough patience. I know my room is a disastrous mess. I'm sure I've dropped the ball somewhere. And those who judge me and the job I do (students, parents, admin, other teachers) have no idea what is going on for me outside of school with ttc. So to them I probably just look like a lazy and/or ineffective teacher. I hate that. And I am sorry about it... But I don't have it in me to change at this point in the year. So I'm just marking time until school ends... trying to do the best I can to still teach the material and do the basics of my job- my kids should walk away with the general knowledge they need to have for high school math next year. But I know I'm not doing as good of a job as I have in the past.

Thank you for a thank you?

I try really hard to write thank you notes when one is warranted. But I think I dropped the ball on this one... A coworker bought me a gift (a necklace) as a thank you for something I helped her out with. I wouldn't let her pay me, even though the task was pretty time intensive, so we agreed that she could bring me something back from Italy when she went. However, she gave it to me right around when B-dog was really sick, and I never wrote her a note... a week or two later she approached me and told me she didn't think I liked the gift. I'm not sure why*- I don't see her around school much, so I don't think it was that I hadn't yet worn it. It was in a little bag when she gave it to me, so she didn't see me open it. Maybe because I didn't gush about it to her afterwards? The only other thing I could think it was- because I hadn't written a note...? I explained that things had been really hectic with my dog, and it seemed to be fine, but it made me think...**

The gift was a thank you for something I had done for her. Do you write thank you notes when in a situation like that? When I got married and III's family would buy me gifts for my birthday (they are a very gifting family) I would write thank you notes. III's mom told us this year that I shouldn't- that it's from family so it's not necessary... apparently my thank-you-note-etiquette is poor...

Anyway... I was just curious where others stood on this.

*Though, while lovely, it is not actually my style. But I don't know how I would have even communicated that to her unintentionally since I didn't really see her when or after I opened it...

**I was thinking about it specifically today because I'm wearing the necklace. :)

Month #19

As expected, yesterday's beta was negative.

The nurse called earlier that usual- a little after ten- and I was teaching in the computer lab, so I missed the call. I called back because I had some questions about the meds I'll be taking, timing, and appointments. Without going into the whole thing, lets just say I was bounced around (Kathy takes care of this, but she's busy so Donna can help me, but then Dee needs to schedule that appointment, but oh, wait I already had a physical so I need to call my gyn, but need to talk to Donna again to get my consents signed....*sigh*) and my head was spinning by the time I got off the phone.

One thing I haven't been good about is the 'no alcohol' thing. During IUIs I was not told specifically by Dr. Z to cut out all alcohol. For IVF, the forms specifically say to avoid alcohol. I don't want to come off sounding like an alcoholic, but I do love me my glass (okay- two glasses) of red wine while I unwind in the evenings. I took a break for one month and was pretty good about it, but did have a glass here or there if we had dinner out... I know I will have to cut it out when I'm pregnant, but at least that is absolute. For how long will I be doing all of this before I get pregnant? Ahhh- therein lies the rub.

As for this cycle, I've been having some spotting over the past few days. This morning I thought I was getting my period, but it seems to be a bit shy and so now I'm not sure... Hopefully I'll know in the next few hours if I am so I can call the clinic and they can get all the insurance stuff going. That is one thing for which I remain grateful - I know that some of you ladies are paying for this out of pocket and I can only imagine how much more stressful this makes the whole process. I have to (well, my clinic has to) jump through a lot of hoops, but at least after all that most of it is paid for.

It's that time again...

Once again the day has arrived... beta day.

I honestly don't expect a positive result. My boobs are killing me, but that could be PMS. I'm feeling crampy, but am not sure if it's my uterus or my colon. (I have plenty of colon-crampy days.) Only one follicle and mediocre sperm this cycle- I know 'it just takes one' but one hasn't cut it for the last six months (not to mention the twelve before that). I expect the call around eleven, but probably won't update unless it's a surprise result.

Yesterday we read through the IVF consents. Geez, those are dense... I was a little nervous about deciding what to do with our frozen embryos "in the case of..." but it was pretty easy. III and I were totally on the same page. Keep 'em if he dies (since I am in possession of the uterus), discard if I do (since he doesn't have a uterus) or if we divorce. I felt kind of weird that I wanted to keep them if he died but didn't want him to keep them if I did... but he felt the same way so I guess it's ok. I'm sure there are people who make a different choice, but it is what we were comfortable with and I'm glad we felt the same way. Now we just have to make an appointment (or two- we probably won't be able to synchronize our schedules) to sign with witness.

On my drive to work from the clinic today I had a tally going in my head. I may be off by one or two in each.

Since August '08...

10 catheters
10 sperm samples
12 strangers who have seen my lady bits
20 self administered needle sticks
26 vials of my blood

I'm sure I'm missing plenty of stuff, but that was off the top of my head in the car today.

Hate Mondays. Counting the hours until I go home and can take a nap...

guns and s.ex

Geez. If you had told me five years ago that I'd be writing a blog post that talked about both of these subjects, I would have laughed in your face... oh, how times change. ;-)

Despite a 5am wake-up, yesterday was lots of fun. I really enjoyed seeing III in action, and I also enjoyed seeing his coworkers. Whenever I meet the guys he works with, they tend to say to me "Oh, III's such a great guy," or "You've got a good guy there." My answer: "I like him." Well, I do! I do agree that he's a great guy, but I wonder- what if he wasn't? Do people say that anyway? Or would they say nothing..?

Along with the simulations, the participants were given the opportunity to shoot at the range. I've never shot a gun before- until I met III I'd never held any interest or curiosity when it came to guns. Even in the last three years, I never felt the desire to try shooting one. But since the opportunity was given, I figured I might as well take advantage of it. III set me up with his buddy, T, who turned out to be a great teacher. They had pistol and 9mm sub.machine, and we got to try each of them. T told me how to hold it and steadied it, but it was the same thing he was doing for each person. When I finished, he looked at me with a grin and said "Holy shit! You're a great shot!" I felt like I couldn't take all the credit- after all, he helped. But when I looked at others' targets, I realized I really hadn't done so bad, comparatively Who would have thought? Especially for my first time. :)On a totally different subject, this morning, III woke up very cuddly. As much as I'd like to think he is feeling extra loving and affectionate towards me at these times, I know him and know he just wants to get some. :) So we woke up with a 'bang' (Ha. Pun intended.) Unfortunately, the issues I've had with spotting since I went off the pill continue. The most inconvenient part of this is around s.ex. While it's not "full flow" as they call it at the RE office, it's enough to get messy. *sigh* I hate that. So annoying. III doesn't complain, but considering his tendency to be type A and the fact that he tends to be squeamish about 'girl stuff', I'm sure he doesn't love it.

It also makes me feel like it's pretty definite that my period is coming. Even though I've been told by more than one doctor that it is completely possible to have the spotting and still be pregnant, my own history makes it hard for me to believe that.

My final comment, around ttc: I read one of the three IVF consent forms I need to sign this morning. Ugh. I don't want to have to do this. I'll do it, because I want a baby more. But... *sigh* I wish I didn't have to.

I'm in love...

...with these purple tulips from my garden:

Happy May Day!

When I was in elementary school, my sister and I used to make little baskets from construction paper on May Day. We'd go to my mom's flower garden and gather some flowers, put them in the basket, and hang them on our neighbors' doors. I wonder what they thought when they saw the little homemade basket with (very likely) wilting flowers. LOL

Today is also B-dog's birthday. She's nine years old today! Crazy. I got her when she was five. In some ways, I can't believe it was four years ago. In others, I can't believe I haven't always had her.

I am thrilled that the weekend is almost here.

On the first Friday of every month, my colleagues have a social after school at a local pub. I generally like to go and socialize, but this week I'm so tired. People don't generally get there until 45 minutes to an hour after school ends, and since I don't teach last period today, I will have anything I need done right as school ends. Not sure if I want to wait around...

Tomorrow I am getting up early. III is on a tactical squad for his work, and tomorrow they are doing a simulation as a presentation to a community group. I am going to watch. It will be the first time I've seen III "in action" at work so I'm looking forward to it. His partner's wife will also be there and she's a super nice, friendly person, so I'm looking forward to seeing her too.

Hope everyone has a lovely spring weekend!