Thursday, May 7, 2009

32 days and counting...

I had therapy yesterday. For the last year or so I've felt like therapy is just another thing I have to do. Yesterday's session was good, though. We talked about my meltdown and she gave me some good ideas of strategies for us to do at home so that we don't get to that point again.

Than we talked about all this ART stuff. The good part of that was that I ended up expressing stuff I hadn't actually put into words before.

It was about work.

I just don't care.

Isn't that awful? Wouldn't you hate to hear that your child's teacher felt that way about her job?

But ART is taking up most of my brain space and emotional energy. I am overwhelmed by phone calls and appointments and medications and symptoms (imaginary or otherwise).

Periodically, we'll have a student who has had a major loss: a house burns down, a parent or a sibling dies... something big like that. Often times, that student ends up doing poorly in his or her classes. When his or her name comes up in our meetings, we say "Can you blame him? When you are dealing with what he is dealing with, doing your homework just isn't going to feel important." That's what I feel like. This is my life. My future. The determination of one of the biggest things to happen to a person. And, for someone dealing with IF, it's so time intensive. There's so much to do; so much to think about. (In fact, I've gotten two phone calls regarding this cycle and my meds just since I started writing this post.) If I just had to get up and teach I could do it. But this year I have such a tough group of kids- there's always someone (actually, several someones in each class) who is doing something they shouldn't, or not paying attention, or who can't do what most middle schoolers can do on their own and need me to hold their hands. Then I get email from parents who essentially want me to hold THEIR hands through difficult parenting that they don't want to do.

And I just don't have the energy (or desire, if I'm going to be honest) to do it this year. So I'm probably coming off as a crappy teacher. I probably sit at my desk too much. I probably don't have enough patience. I know my room is a disastrous mess. I'm sure I've dropped the ball somewhere. And those who judge me and the job I do (students, parents, admin, other teachers) have no idea what is going on for me outside of school with ttc. So to them I probably just look like a lazy and/or ineffective teacher. I hate that. And I am sorry about it... But I don't have it in me to change at this point in the year. So I'm just marking time until school ends... trying to do the best I can to still teach the material and do the basics of my job- my kids should walk away with the general knowledge they need to have for high school math next year. But I know I'm not doing as good of a job as I have in the past.


Jess said...

I know the feeling. I felt like this since Christmas. I was so sad, depressed and misreable and I couldn't help it. I felt like I had no patience for my kids and I spent far too much time at my desk researching IF and reading blogs (horrible I know), but I was consumed with wanting a baby (still am). My boss ended up finding out because I lost it due to my last m/c and then had to have a tumor removed.

You are probably being hard on yourself. I can tell you are a wonderful teacher, and I know you care! The year is almost over anyways and they will forget most of it this don't worry. :) Hang in year will be a brand new year with a bunch of new smiling faces!

Kris said...

Don't be too hard on yourself. We are our own worst critics and I am sure that noone around you has barely even noticed that you may be letting things slip. It's okay to feel this way...really, it is:)

Caroline said...

I'm glad that you found therapy helpful. ART is a huge thing to cope with. It is like a very demanding full time job. Then you add your other demanding full time job (as a teacher) and no wonder you are left feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Take care of yourself and spoil yourself a bit. It is a tough time. Hugs. xx

Anonymous said...

I totally hear you. If I show up to work some days, it is a success. If I show up showered, it is a coup. If I show up, showered and engaged, I expect someone to throw me a fucking parade with fireworks.

some days are better than others...