Thursday, May 28, 2009

I call me a bitch...

I'm at school and my students are taking a citywide social studies test. I love the SS teacher on my team, but she's super type A. Since it's her subject's test, she is going around to all the rooms. She came to my room and didn't like how some of the kids were sitting, so she moved a few seats. We have one student who is known for being super stinky. (One of the down sides to teaching middle school.) We've tried to help him remedy the situation but... not very successfully. She moved his seat over near my desk. I literally had to move. I have little tolerance for anything today, and so something that would have been unpleasant is intolerable today. So I'm sitting on a hard orange plastic chair in the front of my room with my laptop on my lap. It's pretty chilly today, though, so at least it's warm...

B-dog's vet appointment went well yesterday. It's definitely a busier office but also more professional. I had to wait a little while to see the vet, but he was very thorough, very nice, and had a much better "bedside manner" (do you call it that with a vet?) than our old vet. He was so thorough that it ended up being kind of an expensive appointment- I was a little surprised. But I think part of it was that it was her first appt with that office, and she takes some maintenance meds that require periodic blood tests, so that contributed to the cost.

Today is the day that I'm supposed to call the clinic if I have not gotten my period yet. And I have not. As I mentioned yesterday, when I was on the pill for eleven years, each month I'd take my last pill on Thursday and get my period on Monday. If this cycle follows the same pattern, I should get it today. But no sign yet... I'm with kids until 11, so I will call after that. I guess that is when I'll get my instructions as to when to start stims. I'm ready to get going on this cycle, even though it means a hectic schedule of evening mixing of shots and morning u/s and bloodwork on a regular basis.

I'm not feeling hormonal anymore, but instead am just bitchy. I feel like I am full of myself and have no room for anyone else. III is miserable with this cold, but I still don't feel well myself so I probably haven't been much comfort to him. KB called me yesterday, complaining about her day. Because of the accident last week they have to buy a new car, but the insurance only pays for a rental until Friday even though they won't get her the money they need for a down payment until late next week. She's still a little sore from the accident too. She also found out she has 2 small kidney stones again, but the meds she would take to try to prevent them she can't take if she's planning to get pregnant again. Plus she had a parent issue at work.

Crappy week for her. She told me "I just feel like everything sucks right now. If it was just one thing- the car, or the stones, or school... it would be easier." I told her I know the feeling. It's how I've been feeling since January. I think outwardly I was sympathetic and supportive. But in my head- I just don't have room for the empathy I should have towards those I love.

My fear that KB will get pregnant before me grows every day. I know they were planning to start trying with her next cycle. I don't remember when that starts, so I guess it's feasible that she could be pregnant RIGHT NOW, even if she doesn't know it yet. Now that she has her plan in place, she brings it up a lot in relation to other things going on. (Like the kidney medicine.) I just know that when she does get pregnant my envy and sadness will be overwhelming. I want to be happy for her, but I'm really not sure I will be able to. If that is the case, I hope at least I can fake it well.

To be completely honest, I don't like myself very much lately...

4 comments:

just me, dawn said...

sending you a hug because you need it. hang in there, hopefully once this cycle gets going you will feel better. hope III feels better soon and really hope you get your BFP before KB, and then she can be right after :)
hang in there.

meinsideout said...

Some days I do not like myself much either...it will pass. I still like you.

bunny said...

I hear you... I hope things look up soon--- the weekend is almost here!

And, as a former sixth grader teacher, I totally know what you mean about the smelly kids!

michelle said...

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I hate the feeling of trying to be genuinely happy for others while allowing ourselves to be sad or angry at our own situation.

All I can say is hang in there and you are not alone.