Thursday, May 14, 2009

Apologies in advance

This post is not going to be the best side of my personality.

In the five months I've had this blog, I've accumulated quite a few "frequently read" blogs. Probably 2/3 of them are IF blogs. It's been helpful to read others' experiences and know that others are feeling similarly to how I'm feeling.

A number of my blog buddies have recently reached the elusive "BFP". I'm happy for them. Along with the affirmation that It can happen!, I'm an empathetic enough person to be happy for someone who has had to go through this shitty, shitty IF process.

I feel like I am holding my breath when one of "my" bloggers is waiting for a beta result. I anxiously watch their blogs when they have that 1st post + beta u/s scheduled. I want good results for you all.

But I'm jealous as hell.

I read Erica's blog this morning. March was rough for her and ever since then I've had all of my fingers crossed. It is her turn, dammit! Sure enough, she got her positive beta at the end of April. Yesterday, her first u/s showed she's having twins!

Awesome for Erica!

But.... jealousy. I'm so fucking jealous.

I hate jealousy. I know it is a normal emotion. I know everyone feels that way. I know that it doesn't say anything bad about me- that it's how I handle that jealousy that shows what kind of person I am, not that I have the feeling in the first place.

That is, the rational part of me knows that.

But I feel like shit that my good thoughts for others are tinged with green.

I'm extremely nervous about the next couple of months IRL. KB's plan has been that she and her husband will start trying for baby #2 this summer. She is excited at the prospect of her and me being pregnant at the same time; that we'll have babies who are very close in age.

Ah, the optimism of a woman who got pregnant with her eldest on the first try!

I love KB's daughter M. I'm glad I have both of them in my life. M helps me when I need a baby fix.

But it is likely that soon KB will be pregnant again. And if I'm NOT pregnant at that point... I'm afraid of what my reaction will be.

I know I will be happy for her. I love her like a sister, and I want her to have more babies. I want her to have quick conceptions and easy pregnancies.

But I know that after a year and a half of trying for my own baby, my happiness will be strongly laced with jealousy and grief.

I'm terrified for my upcoming IVF cycle. I'm terrified about how involved and complicated it is. I'm terrified that I won't produce enough eggs. I'm terrified that they won't fertilize, or that if they do they won't divide. I'm terrified we'll go through the whole thing, but no embryos will implant. I'm terrified that if they do, I'll miscarry. I'm terrified that if we go through this whole thing and it fails, that I will break.

Clearly, it is not a good day. :(


Kris said...

Hang in there. All of these feelings are completely normal, really, they are. Don't be too hard on yourself. I have been there so many times and I too hate the jealousy thing, but it is such a raw emotion and you are allowed to feel this way. Trust me! After five IVF transfers with mostly unexplained IF and a natural conception with my son, I have been there done that. And, you know what? I am a better person for having gone through all of this shit. Not that I would have wanted to go through all of this and I am still awaiting that ever-elusive BFP. You may crumble a little if your cycle fails (which I don't think it will!:)) but you will get up, dust yourself off and try again and you will be okay. And I will be here rooting you on!

michelle said...

Being happy for others is not a substitute for feeling sadness, frustration or anger at our situations. My sis-in-law got pregnant on the first try before they were really even trying. The good news is that while I now know I can't have a baby of my own, is that I absolutely ADORE my niece just as I am sure you will adore the children in your life while you continue to try. I am here crossing my fingers and toes for you.

barrenisthenewblack said...

I'm sorry you are struggling. I've been there (still am some days). What do you need (other than the obvious)to feel better? Indulgence? Peace? Solitude? Lots of people and distraction? Take care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I like and agree with what Michelle said. I think that it is totally normal, totally understandable, I have totally felt that way. ((HUGS))

LiEr said...

You are a strong and honest person going through a draining and emotionally demanding process, to say nothing of the physicalness of it. I said a prayer for you just 5 minutes ago when I read this. I hope for good news for you, too. And good friends to hold your hand through this. Babies are so precious and it is not at all a bad thing to read how much you appreciate this and will treasure yours. God bless you!