My thoughts on ICLW.

So my first foray into ICLW has ended.

I tried to be diligent about my commenting, though sometimes I lost count. There may be some days I only made 4 or 5 comments, but there were definitely others where I made 7-10. I'm not sure if I met the "respond to one" each day either... I tried, but I'm not sure how successful I was.

I joined ICLW, in part, in hopes that I would discover new blogs I was interested in reading regularly, as well as hoping some new readers would discover mine.

I think I met my first goal... maybe two or three new blogs to follow. I'm not sure about the second. The comments I got tended to be a one time thing... there were not many repeaters.

The hardest thing about ICLW for me was that it seemed, at least for the blogs I tended to check more often, that people didn't update their blogs. It's hard to comment if there isn't anything new. I wonder if that should be part of the requirements of joining ICLW. 5 new comments, 1 reply, and at least... say 3 posts during the week.

So there's my two cents on the experience. I don't think I'll be a monthly participant, but I'm sure I'll be back. :) It was nice to "meet" all the bloggers who visited from ICLW. Thanks for all of your supportive comments, and I hope you enjoyed reading. :)

I have a minute...

...or ten.

My mom is watching a shoot-'em-up movie and my dad is playing on face.book.

Our visit so far is going well, but...

God, isn't it EXHAUSTING to have house guests???

But we had a very nice dinner tonight at home and now we're four of us, three with our individual laptops and a fourth watching a DVD. Welcome to the 21st century.

Today, I got the "Are you planning to have babies???" question. My mother has put in an order for a granddaughter. I told her I didn't think it worked like that.

I told that that we were trying. That we were having trouble. That we were "unexplained". I haven't gone beyond that. Thursday morning I'll be running out for my u/s and b/w, so we'll see how much explanation they require then.

We also had a religion discussion. III was raised Catholic. I was raised Jewish. There were promises made before we were engaged... but I don't necessarily keep him to those. I know it's different once your married, and it's especially different once the baby is actually here. But I did tell my parents about that conversation, in part with the hope that they would accept my non-Jewish partner.

So they were asking about it today. I told them that I didn't know for sure what we were doing. I told them that we would not be anywhere near what my sister and her (Jewish) husband do with their son. And I told them there will be Christmas in our house.

I know they weren't thrilled with that. And, honestly, I never thought I would consider raising Jewish kids who celebrated Christmas. But III loves Christmas. It's about compromise, and he's already compromised a lot, and agreed to compromise even more. And I love him. So, we have to do what works best for us.

Which is what I told my parents. I said, "There will be decisions we have to make because they are what's best for our family that will not please either side." My dad told me, "It's okay. We won't give you a hard time about it." Which is great. But I know that doesn't mean they won't be disappointed or disapproving.

It's so hard. That's what I told III when this first came up years ago. Inter-faith families- there is this additional level that is just more difficulty. My parents are worried we are contributing to the demise of Judaism*. His parents are afraid we are going to hell because our marriage is not "valid" in the eyes of the pope.

But I love him. And he loves me. And we are devoted to and respect each other. And isn't that what matters?

*The world population is a little under 7 billion. The Jewish population is around 13 million. In the US, many people see Judaism as a large religion. Americans are often surprised to find (due tot he fact that 40% of the world's Jewish population lives in the USA) that the religion of Judaism is only 0.2% (two tenths of a percent) of the world population... and that number is not growing... Hence, the concern for many Jews about intermarriage and assimilation.

Visitors

I'm on my way soon to pick my parents up at the airport for a week long visit. I'm a little nervous but also excited. I haven't seen them for a year, my mom hasn't been here for two, and my dad hasn't been here since my wedding- he's never seen my house furnished and decorated and he's never met the dogs.

They are staying with us, which is part of my nervousness, but it should be a nice week.

I don't know how much I'll be able to post while they are here, but I'll try to report on Thursday's u/s.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...

Do you ever have those moments where you look at your SO and think "I can't believe he's MINE!"

I was single for five years before I met III, and I took full advantage of it. With the exception of my rough patch in the last twelve to eighteen months, I really, really enjoyed being single.

But even so, I was acutely aware that most people were paired off. That I was no one's priority. Despite this, and the occasional lonely night, I decided I'd rather be a content single than a miserable couple. I didn't want to marry just for the sake of being married.

After our quick engagement, I panicked a little. I had a little tantrum one day in the car on the way to the grocery store, telling III, "The way I feel about you makes me feel vulnerable and that scares me." He told me "This isn't puppy love. I love you with all of my heart. I knew I wanted to marry you because, ever since I met you, you feel like family."

And so here we are. Our own little family.

So anyway... long intro to get to my point...

We went to dinner at one of our regular places the other night. We ordered a bottle of Chianti. He had the turkey dinner. I had the french dip. He proceeded to tell me about something that was going on with work.

This is not an atypical evening for us. But for some reason, I looked at him sitting across the table from me in his blue shirt and thought "I can't believe this is my life!" Sometimes, inside, I still feel like that single girl, fending for herself. And then I remember- no I'm not! I have a partner. I am somebody's priority. And it's HIM! How lucky am I?

IF sucks and it's easy to get caught up in the despair of failed IVF after failed IUI. The day-to-day of it is definitely dragging us down, but if I have to go through it, I'm glad III is the one by my side. And aside from that... well, we're pretty damn lucky.

It's not her month.

KB's beta dropped 20% in 48 hours. :(

She was very upset. Understandably. And unfortunately her husband is out of town for the weekend so she had to deal with the news alone.

I spoke to her on the phone. She was so sad. :( I asked her if she felt like she was more upset than if she had just gotten a negative test and she said yes. She said "I know you understand how it feels."

Do I?

I have never gotten a positive beta. So I've never had that elated feeling of a positive, only to have it taken away with a lower beta or a miscarriage. It is actually something I'm very fearful of. I feel like when I do finally get that positive, I may not be able to relish in it because I'll be so afraid of the disappointment if it doesn't work out.

KB told me "Well, my doctor told me I'd probably have trouble getting pregnant this time," because her cycles aren't as regular. Knowing what I know about IF now and knowing what I know about KB, I'm not sure that's completely true... I think her doctor probably told her that it might be harder to get pregnant this time- which would make sense. If her cycles aren't as regular (off by three to five days) it's harder to know when she's ovulating. And she got pregnant with M on her first try. Anything longer would be the definition of "harder to get pregnant", right?

Last week I talked about my roommate who found my blog. Someone pointed out that someone would have to be looking for IF blogs to find mine, and that's true. My roommate has had three miscarriages in a year- after getting pregnant with her son on the first or second month trying.

I say this because I know it's possible to have an easy time and then have trouble with secondary infertility. However, it's not the norm. (Sorry K. :( I know you'd rather not be unique in this particular situation!!!)

However... KB got pregnant the first month with M, and then the second month trying the second time around. The odds are in her favor. On the phone, I told her that, at our age, doing everything "right" in a particular month only gives you about a 22% chance of getting pregnant. She was like "really???" Not a statistic that most people know. I actually think hearing it may have made her feel a little better...

She asked me "Does this count as a miscarriage? Or something else?" I told her I didn't know- that the doctors may call it a "chemical pregnancy", but that it doesn't really matter. If she feels like it's a miscarriage, than that's that. Part of what KB is upset about is that her doctor told her she now has to wait two months to try again. That throws off her whole plan. She really wanted to be pregnant this month because she's a teacher and it is easiest to have a spring baby... wouldn't it be nice to even be able to try to plan like that??? It only gives me a little twinge when she says that, because she has expressed to me that she understands it's not that easy for me. But she's my person who I go to with everything... and I'm her person. So her frustrations... they come to me. That's how our relationship is.

My post has started to wander now... but I guess the point it... I'm sad for her. I'm sad that she's sad. I wish her husband was here to help her.

But I'm confident that she will soon be pregnant and give little M a brother or sister. And I can only hope that I will too. If we are pregnant together and have babies close in age, maybe it would help make all of this craziness and waiting a little more acceptable.

New protocol

My period arrived last night so I didn't go for b/w this morning. I wasn't sure what to do and felt like it was naughty to just skip an appt... I called a left a message for the nurse and it was fine. I worry too much about stupid things.

So the protocol for this week:

Tonight: 5 iuis of lup.ron
Tomorrow through Wednesday night: 5 iuis of lup.ron, 225 of brav.elle and 150 of meno,pur
Thursday morning: b/w and u/s

It's disgusting outside today and I want to sit on my couch and do nothing. III is home early from work, though, so he's taking me to see Har.ry Pot.ter.

I'm feeling disappointed about a wedding gift that I wanted to buy that isn't going to work out. Instead of just buying another china setting from Ma.cy's, I wanted to commission a pottery artist who makes these serving dishes that I love to do one with a red rim so it would match some of the other serving stuff my husband's cousin had registered for. She does all of her other dishes with colored rims, but this particular one is a "sig.nature piece" so she said she "can't" change the color. I'm not sure what that means, but she's the artist and it's her work. But I'm bummed. :( Boo. Oh well. Looks like it's Ka.te Sp.ade china for the cousin after all...

Thursday update

I spent the day with KB and her cutie daughter, M. I love seeing M and she always raises my spirits no matter how I'm feeling.

KB is tentatively pregnant. Her beta came back at low positive levels (she didn't know the number) so she goes in on Friday for beta #2, hoping for doubling. I was there when she got the call, and was relieved to find I was genuinely happy for her. I know there will be hard parts of her pregnancy for me, especially if I don't get pregnant soon. But I love her and have my fingers crossed for a higher beta on Friday.

As for me, no period yet. I have a little bleeding, but not enough to count as "full flow" (as the NP calls it). I called today and have a 9am appt for blood work tomorrow. With my luck, my period will arrive at 10. :)

That's all I've got today. :)

Yo-yo

I'm feeling like a yo-yo lately.

I am currently waiting to get my period. It's ridiculous- one month I'm praying I won't get my period and the next month I'm like "Come on already!" If I don't have it by tomorrow afternoon, I'll have to go to the clinic to get more pointless b/w done to make sure I'm not pregnant. If I was pregnant, it would be more of a miracle than the virgin birth considering I've been on bcp and lup.ron. Oh, and we have barely had any sex.

B-dog's vet appt today went well. While I'm fretting over her left mandibular lymph node, the vet was very pleased because all the rest of her nodes (there are a lot- in front of her shoulders, behind her knees, on her chest...) are small to invisible. She feels like she has responded really well and is happy that she is feeling good. She was even very impressed with her bird-catching feat. She feels it is realistic that we can get her through to the fall, and optimistically possibly even Christmas. So... yay.

It is really hard. I feel like I have been in an extended state of grief since January- grief that waxes and wanes, but is always there. Most of me wants her around for as long as possible, but there is a small part of me that recognizes that once the end comes, it's the end, and hopefully healing can begin. The back and forth is exhausting, but I also can't imagine my life without her. I rely on her at least as much as she relies on me.

No news on KB yet. She's having a beta late this afternoon, and will know the results tomorrow.

titleless

Sleep has been an issue lately. Well, not actually sleeping, but falling to sleep. There is just too much running through my head.

B-dog is at the front of that. While her most recent treatment made her nodes shrink within two or three days, they are back. Her left node is the size of a small egg. :(

Last night she climbed into bed with me and cuddled up to my side. I don't know if it was having her cuddled up there, or discussing with III that her nodes had enlarged, or what but I got very upset and cried. III was sound asleep, so I'm laying there in my bed sniffling and trying not to wake him or the dogs.

I'm just not ready, but I don't think I will ever be. I wonder if I need to make a plan for when the time comes so I'll be a little prepared. Because I have never had to do this so I sit there and think about what I'm going to do and how she'll be and so on and so on.

We go to see the vet tomorrow. It was supposed to be a lymph node check, but obviously she will find that they are huge again. So it will probably be a regrouping. Or a decision making. I'm kind of freaking out.

Suckity suck suck suck.

The other thing that is on my mind... I'm pretty sure KB is pregnant. She has been having some spotting, which is not something she's had. And she's five days 'late'. She took an HPT but it has been negative. However, because of her stones she is drinking lots of water so her urine is diluted. So she is going to call her doc tomorrow to see if she can get a blood test. So it's looking like a + is pretty positive...

I really, really, really want to be happy for her. She is one of the most important people in my life. And I think I am happy for her (if I'm right) it's just hard to find it behind the huge sadness that I feel for myself.

After I spoke to her today (in the car, on the way home from a very lovely visit with my former roommate) I was composing an email to her in my head. I want to tell her that I will be happy for her and want the best for her and her new baby, but that it might not always seem that way because I am sad for me.

We'll see. Right now I kind of want to just lay down and mope. III won't be home until after eight, so I'm on my own (with pups) which, when I'm feeling like this, is no good. I just can't get out of my own head.

Welcome to ICLW

This is my first time participating in International Comment Leaving Week. I have considered doing it before, but never make the deadline and then forget the next month. LOL

My blog is mainly about our infertility struggles, but I also blog a fair amount about other stuff going on in my life.

I've been married for almost three years. We've been ttc for almost two. We've been seeing an RE for ART for almost a year.

Five medicated cycles, four of them with IUI, and then one IVF so far. We are technically, "unexplained infertility", although our first IVF cycle revealed there is some sort of problem with fertilization. We are currently in the middle of an IVF cycle, in which they will be using IC.SI. A more detailed list of our ttc history is here.

When I'm not talking about ttc, I'm usually talking about my dogs. I have two rescue dogs who I adore. My first dog, B-dog, I got when I was single. She and I are BFFs. Sadly, she has lymphoma and we will likely have to have her put to sleep by the fall. When that happens, I don't know how I will bear it. M-dog is my cuddler, and I'm counting on him to help me get through it!

So that's the important stuff in a nutshell. Welcome to new readers! Hi to regulars!

I have a confession.

I like Tay.lor Swi.ft's music.

I don't know how it happened. I'm not a country fan! I'm not usually a teeny-bopper-pop-star fan. (Well, for the most part.)

Then Love Sto.ry came out and I not only loved it- I'd sing along in the car. And... the end sometimes even made me tear up a little.

I thought it was a fluke.

But now I find myself stopping my radio surfing when I hear You Be.long Wi.th Me. Today I caught myself singing along...

It must be the memory of the teenage girl still living inside of me... except, when I was a teenage girl I liked folky hippie music like The Ind.igo Gi.rls and Sarah Mc.Lachlan (still one of my favorites). My boyfriend called it "whiny chick music".

So I'm not sure where this is coming from....

Part of the pro.zac nation.

As I've mentioned before, I'm on pro.zac for anxiety disorder and panic attacks. I've been on for about two years. My dosage is (supposedly) pretty low- 20mg. It doesn't mean I am without anxiety. What it means is that the anxiety doesn't take over my brain (and other body parts and systems) at the slightest provocation. What it means is that slightly difficult situations and frustrations don't reduce me to tears anymore.

Recently, I've found some of my old anxiety coming back. Not as bad as it was pre-meds, but definitely worse than it's been in a long time. I guess it's not that surprising. It's not like I've had much going on in my life lately that might be difficult or stressful, right?

My gp prescribed the pro.zac. I have always loved her. She is the perfect balance of sympathetic and realistic. She doesn't make me feel like a hypochondriac, but makes sure I understand why the bruise on my thumb does not necessarily indicate leukemia. Unfortunately, she moved her office to a difficult place for me to get to. That in itself didn't dissuade me- it wasn't until I called to schedule a physical and there was a six month waiting list.

So tomorrow I have my physical with a new doctor. She isn't 100% new- the doc I love used to be in that office, and when she was on maternity leave I saw every other doctor in the office. (It was the year I was dx with H and I also was having some issues with strep throat.) One of them is the doctor that I decided to make my new pcp.

On the list of issues to discuss (actually, the only thing on the list...) is whether we can/should change my dosage. Considering all the stuff that we've been dealing with this year, is makes sense that I'm experiencing the anxiety. The question is, do I just have to deal with it like an average person, or do I try to combat it with a higher dosage of meds?

It's not the discomfort it brings on- it's the paralytic effect is has on me. I can't think about anything else. I can't calm myself down. If it happens in the middle of the night, I can't fall back to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. Right now, this is all mild compared to what I've experienced in the past. But I would rather it didn't happen at all, and I certainly don't want it to get worse.

When thinking about this all this weekend, I started thinking about sex drive. III used to tease me about my sex drive, and how it was high for a woman. It definitely isn't anymore. I asked him yesterday if he thought that it coincided with going on the meds. His answer was the same as mine: it's hard to say. I went on the meds not quite one year after we got married. He changed squads that summer. Both of our jobs got more difficult and less enjoyable. We started ttc a few months later... so while the pro.zac may be contributing, it may not be the only contributor. Or maybe it's not at all.

I'm so tired and blue lately, I also wonder if there is a touch of depression involved. Theoretically, pro.zac should help with that, but would it? Or maybe it already is... maybe if I wasn't on meds it would be more than a "touch".

Or maybe I'm just a whiner, which is often my worry when I have a moderate health concern to raise with my doctor. Or maybe that's just my anxiety talking...

You know what pisses me off?

People who get pregnant by accident.

Whether they are happy about it or not.

Whether they want a baby or not.

Whether they are parent-material or not.

It just pisses me off.

They say opposites attract...

Theater night last night was a mixed bag.

I love going to see musicals. Especially ones that I love. (Is that redundant? LOL) I don't know why Re.nt resonates with me, but it does. I cried when An.gel died, just like I always do. I sobbed when Col.lins sang the reprise of I'll Co.ver You. Last night, I realized that Col.lins and An.gel are my favorite couple in the show. Not only that, but they are the most functional couple in the show. And I love that. I feel like it really shows that love is about love. Not about gender.

I loved seeing it again. I loved much of the cast. It's fun, having seen it a few times, to see the differences that directors and choreographers choose.

III did not enjoy the show. It wasn't just what the show was about- it was the musical aspect of it. Music just does not touch him the way it touches me. It's hard for me to fathom- how can those powerful ensemble pieces not make your heart swell? But I guess it just doesn't for everyone.

I felt guilty that he had to sit through two and a half hours of something in which he had no interest. (On top of that, it was a tactical day, so he was exhausted. And he's tall, so he felt crammed into those little theater seats.) I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I was going to go by myself and he requested to go with me. But I still felt bad. And I'm sad because I likely will not be able to convince him to try another musical anytime in the near future. I realized last night that the Li.on Ki.ng would probably have been a great musical for his first. The costumes are supposed to be phenomenal, and it's Dis.ney. His family loves Dis.ney. I'm not sure he's going to be game for another two to three hours at a production that he may not enjoy.

Not that I should be surprised. I loved the darkness and the intricacies of the movie Pi.eces of Ap.ril. He loves to watch the first scene of The Run.down, because he loves to watch The Ro.ck beat up all those football players.

It would just be nice if he could share in something that I enjoy so much. But I certainly appreciate his effort.

I have a love-hate relationship with coffee.

My tongue loves coffee. So does my nose. My brain likes it too; needs it, especially if it's anytime before 9am.

My bowels, on the other hand... not so much.

I've been having issues all day after one cup of iced coffee. But it was so good. (And local! As in, from an independent, local coffee shop, which I love to support.) And it actually helped me to get my ass downstairs to work out, finally.

Of course, once I was down there, with the dogs, the negative effects kicked in. Ugh. Hate that. Unfortunately, the cleaners were here at that time, and so while we have three bathrooms, and they belong to us, and we pay for the toilet paper and the cleaning of them... I just couldn't come up and poop in one. Bad enough to do it when there are people in the house. Worse when they are people I don't know all that well.* Unfathomable when they have just cleaned (or worse, are about to clean) said toilet.

So I waited. I'm sure that didn't help my situation.

We're going to the theater tonight.** I'm hoping that I'm feeling better by that point, or I may have to take something to ensure that I don't have to run up the aisle and exit in the middle of "La V.ie Boh.eme".

*Hmm. Doesn't it seem odd that I describe the cleaners this way, yet they are one of very few who have a key to my house.... bourgeois irony.
**I am still in shock that III has agreed to accompany me to a musical. I'm in fear that he'll hate it and I'll never convince him to go again, even though there are probably better matches for his taste than this one.

Well, it's happened.

I got an email this morning from my old roommate. (You know- the domestic goddess one.)

She has stumbled upon my blog by accident.

I work to stay pretty anon. Literally no one IRL knows I have a blog like this. But I do write stuff about my life, and if someone who actually knows me in real life finds my blog, and is interested enough in it to keep reading... well, I guess it's probably not that hard to figure out that it's me. I write about work, my husband, my dogs. I talk about some of the same stuff I talk about on my face.book status (like that poor birdie!).

Her email was very nice and even offered to not read it if I was uncomfortable with it. But you know what? I'm the one who has put all of this out there. I've done that knowing there is a chance that it could be discovered.

And, honestly, in terms of who could discover my blog, she is probably the best case scenario. (And I'm not just saying that because you're probably reading. ;-) ) We lived together for four years, so with the exception of III, she probably knows the most about any of my bad qualities. (Well, and the good, but who can complain about that?)

I have posted some things in here that I don't generally share with friends. And, as you all know, especially recently, the ugly parts of me come out in this blog too.

But all of you who don't know me have always taken it so well and been so understanding, that I know that K is the type of person who will take it all with a grain of salt as well. She is definitely a "benefit of the doubt" type person.

But now to the more concerning point- if she found me, who else could? I really have put myself out there in the blog world. I am on blog.her and also joined ICLW this month. I comment on lots of your blogs and I know I'm on a number of blog rolls.

What do you do? How anon do you hope to be? Do you write things you don't want your IRL friends to know about you? How would you feel if you were stumbled upon? Would it change how you use your blog?

Grrr.

I'm cranky.

That's all I've got right now.

I think I'll go back to bed....

More on my blog list.

I got a little off track on my post yesterday and didn't completely finish my thought. The reason my reorganization is selfish is because, by separating the pregnant from the wanna-bes, I can choose what I want to read. More and more I'm having days where I'm not sure I can read about pregnancy symptoms and baby shopping. No disrespect to the pregnant mamas- I'm sure when I get there I'll be doing the same thing. I'm just not sure I can take it right now... at least not on a daily basis.

Of course, I still get caught. I joined ICLW for this month. I went through the list and bookmarked a couple of new blogs I thought I might enjoy reading. One of them that I just bookmarked 3 days ago... BFP today. Yep.

I talked to KB today- she's having spotting, which is not something she's ever had before. And she's at a point in her cycle where it could be implantation spotting. So she might be pregnant. She's feeling very impatient. She got pregnant with M on the first try. This is her second month trying this time around and she used O.PKs. She has to drink a lot of water, though, for her kid.ney stones so her urine is too dilute for the O.PKs to work well. So she said if she's not pregnant this month she may go to her doctor for a test on ovulation. Really? Two months? She said "I know two months isn't that long" and I know it's frustrating month to month... but look at the numbers. With a ~20% chance per month of getting pregnant, and then getting pregnant the first month on the first try, what are the chances of it happening again?

I'm just not going to be very good at being very supportive anytime soon.

Sad stuff.

M-dog got a dental scaling today. $800 later (yikes!) I went to pick him up. While I was waiting, the door to one of the exam rooms opened and I saw four young men and women (siblings I think) in the room. One of them was repeatedly kissing the fuzzy white dog laying on the table. Another was wearing her sunglasses inside. I realized they had just put their dog to sleep. The first clearly did not want to leave. When her brother/boyfriend finally led her out of the room, she broke down into audible sobs.

It was all I could do not to cry with her.

I felt so bad for them. And then I felt bad for me knowing that sometime in the probably near future, that will be me.

I'm so sad for them and hope that whoever they are, wherever they are, they somehow sense the empathy and healing vibes I am sending them.

*******

I have reorganized my bloglist into three. It may seem, at first glance, that I am just trying to be more organized (because, aren't I always? Even if I don't succeed?), but really I have a more selfish reason.

Pregnant blog friends: I am happy for you. I really am. And, though as I've stated in the past there is some jealousy, the fact that each of you individually is pregnant isn't bothering me.

There are just so many of you. If you count, you'll find there are now more blogs in the "Parenting and pregnancy" list than the "TTC and dealing with IF" list. To be completely accurate, there were 3 IF blogs that I removed because either they haven't posted in months and months or, in once case, she deleted her blog. And 2 of the blogs in P&P are women who are still ttc after adopting. But still. While maybe the numbers of + should give me hope about getting pregnant myself, it sadly doesn't. It makes me feel left out. It makes me feel alone. It makes me worry that, though there is yet to be anything indicating that this could happen, I will never make it to that list.

*sigh*

Couch potato

I used to be a pretty active person. My college boyfriend and I went hiking and biking. I rollerbladed everywhere in college.

I had lots of plans for this summer. I wanted to do some knitting projects. (Check!) I wanted to work on a refresher hs math class. (Check!) I wanted to get a new computer and transfer my files. (in progress) I wanted to start a workout routine. (......*crickets*......) The parts of my plan that I can do sitting on my couch.... going very well. But how the heck did I get so lazy? I have no excuse to not work out. I haven't been to one yoga class. I haven't walked the dogs. I'm very comfortable in sweats, as long as I'm wearing them while sitting on my ass.

The last few days have been gorgeous, but I can't even convince myself to go outside and lay out in the sun. It's like there is a magnet in my ass and it's attracted to the couch cushions.

III works 'til 8 tonight so I should definitely be able to get a work out in during that time. For now, I am liking my couch spot. I think I'll knit a bit, watch some more of my math dvd... and then go from there.

Unfortunately, I'm never going to lose those ten pounds with that plan.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

Even though every day should feel like a weekend to me, I'm enjoying my weekend. III is home, and for some reason he is uncharacteristically lazy this weekend. I love it. He even decided he did not want to go out to breakfast this morning, opting to sit around in our PJs and play video games (well, he played... I did the crossword). I'm glad he is not perpetually lazy, but it's nice to see him like that once in a while.

I talked to SS yesterday. All is well (well, as well as it can be with a preemie) and she herself is healing. She'll be in the hospital for a while still because she was pretty sick, and baby S will likely be there until her due date.

I think I did a pretty good job of being interested and supportive. I could tell she is feeling overwhelmed- at one point she said "I can't believe I have a baby"- and I didn't feel like I could be much help in sympathizing and making suggestions. She also told me baby S was waiting for visitors. I'm not sure that is something I can do... I love babies and love seeing friends' babies... but I'm not sure I can travel to a NICU full of babies. I'm gonna have to play that one by ear.

On to other news:

B-dogs lymph nodes are almost completely back to normal for now. The new protocol seems to have really helped, and so now we just wait and see for how long. Part of the new protocol includes pred.nisone, which makes her thirsty. The increase in water drinking and the resulting increase in peeing makes me a little nervous, since those were her initial symptoms before her diagnosis... but the vet told me that is a very, very common side effect of the pred.nisone, so I'm just trying to remind myself of that.

I just went online to seph.ora and bought some tinted moisturizer. Until the last two years or so I was never a big make up person. I have definitely expanded my repertoire, even wearing bare escen.tials base and daily eyeliner. Whoo! With summer here, and considering I don't go out for full days very often, I wanted an in between option. I did a little research on tinted moisturizer, and realized I had a sample from a previous seph.ora order! I tried it yesterday and couldn't tell if there was a difference. So today I put it on only half of my face. There was a definite subtle difference- much more even but not obviously made up. Love it. So I bought it, along with a few other little things.

I'm working on a sweater that I'm kind of making up as I go along. (Still waiting for the yarn I ordered for baby S's gift.) I bought a pattern, but it was more complicated than I wanted to try, so I'm using it as a base and paring back. I already started and unraveled twice, but I think I've now got what I will continue to completion. Fingers crossed. It's one of about four projects I've got going at the same time. LOL

On the ttc front, I got a call this week that my insurance approved our next IVF cycle with IC.SI. Yay! I start lup.ron on Monday and am supposed to stop my bcp on the 19th. I think, though, I'm going to do a little self prescribing and stop on the 18th. For the ten years I was on the pill, I know that it takes my body four days to register the drop in hormones and start my period. Last cycle, that's the same thing that happened. If I don't get my period by the 23rd, they will want to bring me in for blood work before we can start injectables. So I'm going to stop my pill a day before they have instructed me to so that I will definitely had my period by the 23rd. It seems stupid to have to go in for blood work when I know my body and I know that it will take one more day than they estimate to get my period.

If this cycle goes the way the last did, that will start me on injectables on the 23rd, with an egg retrieval around the 5th and a transfer on the 7th. That would work out well for me because my parents are visiting 7/27-8/3, so while I'll have some bw and u/s appts while they're here, the big stuff won't be until a little later... it could end up near the end of their visit, though, because I know they are planning on changing my levels slightly in the beginning.

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. :)

In distress

I just had to kill a bird.

It might be the most awful thing I've ever had to do so far in my life.

It was (possibly stuck?) in my bean plant. I shook the plant and it came hopping out... it ended up in the backyard where the dogs were. Usually birds fly and squirrels and rabbits run away faster than my lumbering pups can get them.

But not this one.

Somehow, B-dog caught it in her mouth and started running with it like she was playing fetch.

I yelled at her "DROP IT!" and, like a good dog, she did. But it was too late.

It lay there still breathing and opening and closing it's little beak. I called III on the phone and he told me to take a shovel and put it in the corner of the yard and that he'd "deal with it" when he got home. I said "But it's in pain! I don't want it to suffer!" "Well, then you have to hit it in the head with a shovel..." he said. Ugh. "I don't know if I can do that." I told him. "Those are your only two options."

I had on my gardening gloves, so I got a plastic bag and tried to use it to scoop it into, but it cried!!! Awful, awful, awful. I went and got a big shovel. By the time I came back, it was still breathing but pretty much out of it. I was able to scoop it up into the shovel without it crying... it's back was clearly broken.

I tied it up in the bag and took it to the driveway. Then, I don't know how, but I managed to hit it twice with the shovel.

I don't think I've ever watched anything die and I certainly have never killed anything larger than a spider.

Awful.

So glad to be home.

I am so, so, so happy to be home.

This was not the relaxing trip we had hoped it would be. There were little annoying things- our flight out was canceled and so we had to be rescheduled onto two flights on two different airlines. The weather wasn't fabulous for the first part of our trip. We got a call from our alarm company because it hadn't been set properly and the dogs set off the motion detectors. Our seats sucked on the way home. And our dog sitter wasn't as great as she was the last time- we came home to a house that was a bit of a mess. (update- she showed up in the evening- she thought we were coming home tomorrow and was embarrassed she hadn't cleaned up more!)

All of that is just part of traveling. The trip probably would have been okay regardless. Except for my mother-in-law.

My in laws are very nice people. But as I'm pretty sure I've said before on this blog, they are not my kind of people. From very early on in the week, I was acutely aware that I just don't fit in with my husband's family.

For example: The second day we were there, my MIL was (once again) complaining to me about her brother's family. She does not approve of how they spend their (limited, in her opinion) money. Apparently, during a discussion her SIL said to her "Well, III didn't have to work through college." Which is totally true. But she was all pissed, saying "He took a full load of classes, and did his practicals, and went to the gym every day, and trained for..." blah blah blah. What she doesn't understand is that there a many, many, many less fortunate students who have to do all that and work to support themselves/pay their tuition. III was very fortunate in what he had and in what his family had. With that, I commend his parents for instilling in him a sense of responsibility and work ethic that, honestly, others in his situation often do not have. However- not everyone is as lucky. And his mom just doesn't get that. Her own experience is so limited. She grew up in the same area that she lives now. She rarely travels, outside of her state or outside of her circles. She is unable and/or unwilling to see what exists outside of her little bubble of a life.

It's started to become clear that she doesn't think I 'take care' of III well. She asked him about work and he was listing off some of his complaints- she looks at me and, out of his hearing, says about four times "That's not healthy for him." Yeah? I know. What do you want me to do about it???

But the worst part? The hovering. I know III is an only child and that he lives far away. But the hovering did not even feel like an attempt on her part to spend time with him. It felt like chaperoning.

They have a lovely lake house that they share with the families of III's two uncles. We go out there every July, and we usually stay out there for a few nights. No one other than us really ever sleeps over at the house, though there have been some years that III's parents have decided to stay out there with us.

This year his mom stayed. Not his dad. His dad drove home (about 20 min) every night. The first night, I tried to reason that she had a lot of stuff she wanted to do to get ready for the 4th. The second night I thought, well maybe she wants to clean up and visit. The 3rd night I realized she was chaperoning. Making sure we didn't mess up the place and that everything got put away exactly how she wanted it. The only way she could have made us feel more uncomfortable is if she had literally followed around behind us with her brush and dustpan. When everyone had left each evening, she didn't really even interact with us. It was very, very weird.

On Monday, she left about an hour and a half before we did. She gave III detailed instructions about what we had to do before we left. One of those instructions: "Make sure the last person out of the shower wipes the whole thing down with a towel so that it doesn't get water spots." OH NO! NOT THE WATER SPOTS!!!!!!!!!

She must be mortified when she comes to our house. We don't have a dirty house. But it is definitely 'lived in'. Her house does not feel lived in, and the lake house definitely doesn't. Everything has it's spot (often labeled) and is put away the minute it is done being used. When III makes himself and me breakfast, she has finished washing, drying, and putting away the dishes before we can even finish our coffee. III's friends came over to the lake house on Friday with their 2.5 year old twins. The first thing she noticed when they showed up later is that one of the twins had left fingerprints on the glass door and she had to clean it up right away, even though there were going to be about twenty people in and out with their own greasy hands for the whole weekend. I shudder to think what will happen when we bring our future children there.

I hate to say it, but I like her less and less every time we visit. III is dying to move back in that direction some day, and I really want to stay where we are. If we moved, we'd be about 90 min from his parents. In the past he has speculated that his mom would be better if we were closer, because it wouldn't be such a production when he came to visit 2-3 times a year. I never felt that way- I think she is so controlling and judgemental that she would need her fingers in every pie all the time. After this visit, III has begun to be concerned that I'm right. (Although that does not change his desire to move...)

I don't know if this post has even really done justice to just how unbearable it was to be around her for this whole week. She has some serious control issues. She is very traditional- her job is to "take care" of her husband, and too keep her house spotless. Oh, and clearly to advise everyone else on how to run their lives. My relationship with III is very different from her relationship with my FIL and our life is very different from anything theirs has ever been. It is more and more apparent to me (though she never tells us this directly - she'd apparently rather we glean it from her actions and attitudes) that she does not approve.

Did I mention I was glad to be home?

...jiggedy jog.

Home. Phew.

Working on a more detailed post- it was not the best week. But we got up early and weren't very rested to start with, so it probably won't get finished until tomorrow.

Things seem to have gone okay back here. B-dog's nodes are still enlarged, but she's still feeling good. She's going to the vet tomorrow and we're going to try a different protocol.

III is not excited to get back to work, but is starting off his first day back with an arrest, which he always enjoys, so hopefully it will start things off on a positive note.

It's raining again. Ho hum.

It hasn't totally sunk in that I have another ten weeks or so of vacation. I feel like I'm going to have to be headed back to work myself. But instead I get a break. My plan is to take a correspondence course, catch up with reading the books I've been meaning to get to, do some knitting, and get into a workout routine. (Have I told all of you this already? I don't remember... sorry if I'm repetitive.) III wrote me up 4 routines to use when I work out. KB also got new inline skates, so we are going to try to schedule a regular time to go skating.

So more tomorrow. I'm working on catching up on all of your blogs. :)

Toooo early!

I'm on my way out, way too early in the morning, for a week's vacation. I probably won't be able to update until we get home, so I wanted to get a few things in before we leave.
(Clearly, I'm all about the lists lately.)

• B-dog's appt: I was irritated because I specifically made the appt for yesterday because the vet isn't in on Mondays, and then she didn't really need to see the vet. Dumb. They took blood and said her lymph nodes are down a small amt, but not much. Then said they would call me with the bloodwork, but haven't yet. Great. So they'll call today when I'm 1500 miles away and can't do anything about it until Wednesday.
• My appt: I cried. I'm such a baby. There wasn't really any new info. I stimmed well. I got seventeen eggs. None of them fertilized. She did say that once they did fertilize there is NOT a smaller chance of pregnancy after transfer. I asked the success rates post transfer, and she said it's 40% for my age range. They will do ICSI from now on and stim me a little slower so they don't have to back off the way they did (apparently you can lose some of the smaller follicles that way). The best news? I don't have to take a month off. I started b/c last night, will start lu.pron on the 13th and will probably have my ER around the last week of July. It means my parents might be here then, so we'll have to deal with that, but whatever.
• Nervous to leave B-dog. I'm generally nervous leaving, but esp this time. One of my former students is house sitting and staying with the pups. She is the one who was here in Feb. when we went on vacation and B got sick, so I know she can and will deal with whatever arises. I'm just nervous that we have limited time left and I may be gone for her last feel-good week. I feel like I'm abandoning her. :(
• Hugs to Reya who lost her own sweet pup yesterday.

I hope everyone has a great 4th of July!!!!