Tuesday, July 21, 2009

titleless

Sleep has been an issue lately. Well, not actually sleeping, but falling to sleep. There is just too much running through my head.

B-dog is at the front of that. While her most recent treatment made her nodes shrink within two or three days, they are back. Her left node is the size of a small egg. :(

Last night she climbed into bed with me and cuddled up to my side. I don't know if it was having her cuddled up there, or discussing with III that her nodes had enlarged, or what but I got very upset and cried. III was sound asleep, so I'm laying there in my bed sniffling and trying not to wake him or the dogs.

I'm just not ready, but I don't think I will ever be. I wonder if I need to make a plan for when the time comes so I'll be a little prepared. Because I have never had to do this so I sit there and think about what I'm going to do and how she'll be and so on and so on.

We go to see the vet tomorrow. It was supposed to be a lymph node check, but obviously she will find that they are huge again. So it will probably be a regrouping. Or a decision making. I'm kind of freaking out.

Suckity suck suck suck.

The other thing that is on my mind... I'm pretty sure KB is pregnant. She has been having some spotting, which is not something she's had. And she's five days 'late'. She took an HPT but it has been negative. However, because of her stones she is drinking lots of water so her urine is diluted. So she is going to call her doc tomorrow to see if she can get a blood test. So it's looking like a + is pretty positive...

I really, really, really want to be happy for her. She is one of the most important people in my life. And I think I am happy for her (if I'm right) it's just hard to find it behind the huge sadness that I feel for myself.

After I spoke to her today (in the car, on the way home from a very lovely visit with my former roommate) I was composing an email to her in my head. I want to tell her that I will be happy for her and want the best for her and her new baby, but that it might not always seem that way because I am sad for me.

We'll see. Right now I kind of want to just lay down and mope. III won't be home until after eight, so I'm on my own (with pups) which, when I'm feeling like this, is no good. I just can't get out of my own head.

4 comments:

hannity grace said...

Good luck at the vet tomorrow - I will keep my paws crossed for B tomorrow!!

I hope that things go well for your friend KBN tomorrow. I know it is hard to be happy for others when we are often struggling so much with our own feelings of sadness or anger.

A path I have taken is to compartmentalize the two. Because I am truly happy for my friends who have kids/find out they are pregnant I allow myself that happiness for them and to share in their happiness. Then I also allow myself time when I am alone to really let myself feel whatever emotions I am having.

I hope you can find a place of in between that works for you too.

Katie said...

Aww..it's so awful to have sick pups...it's like your child is sick (and that's what they are, right?). Good luck tomorrow.
And about KB, it's gonna hurt no matter how much you prepare yourself. Stay strong and roll with the punches...it'll be your turn someday, and you will love that baby like nobody's business. Hugs!

meinsideout said...

My dog shelly has mast cell tumors and every time I pet her and feel another one it is like a knife going through my heart. She is 13 and I just want her to have more time - more wonderful time. My brain cannot think about the plan for when the time comes...it hurts too much. ((HUGS))

Flutterby918 said...

Hey, thanks for the tips about knitting. I think I might give it a try. I have a "friend" whose blog I read and she knitted herself some sock for her tranfer, I thought it was such a special idea. She is going to use them for her next one too.
I am definitely going to check things out and maybe hit up the local craft store for supplies.

I am so sorry to hear about your dog, how incredibly difficult. I can't imagine what you are going through. ((HUGS))