It's not her month.

KB's beta dropped 20% in 48 hours. :(

She was very upset. Understandably. And unfortunately her husband is out of town for the weekend so she had to deal with the news alone.

I spoke to her on the phone. She was so sad. :( I asked her if she felt like she was more upset than if she had just gotten a negative test and she said yes. She said "I know you understand how it feels."

Do I?

I have never gotten a positive beta. So I've never had that elated feeling of a positive, only to have it taken away with a lower beta or a miscarriage. It is actually something I'm very fearful of. I feel like when I do finally get that positive, I may not be able to relish in it because I'll be so afraid of the disappointment if it doesn't work out.

KB told me "Well, my doctor told me I'd probably have trouble getting pregnant this time," because her cycles aren't as regular. Knowing what I know about IF now and knowing what I know about KB, I'm not sure that's completely true... I think her doctor probably told her that it might be harder to get pregnant this time- which would make sense. If her cycles aren't as regular (off by three to five days) it's harder to know when she's ovulating. And she got pregnant with M on her first try. Anything longer would be the definition of "harder to get pregnant", right?

Last week I talked about my roommate who found my blog. Someone pointed out that someone would have to be looking for IF blogs to find mine, and that's true. My roommate has had three miscarriages in a year- after getting pregnant with her son on the first or second month trying.

I say this because I know it's possible to have an easy time and then have trouble with secondary infertility. However, it's not the norm. (Sorry K. :( I know you'd rather not be unique in this particular situation!!!)

However... KB got pregnant the first month with M, and then the second month trying the second time around. The odds are in her favor. On the phone, I told her that, at our age, doing everything "right" in a particular month only gives you about a 22% chance of getting pregnant. She was like "really???" Not a statistic that most people know. I actually think hearing it may have made her feel a little better...

She asked me "Does this count as a miscarriage? Or something else?" I told her I didn't know- that the doctors may call it a "chemical pregnancy", but that it doesn't really matter. If she feels like it's a miscarriage, than that's that. Part of what KB is upset about is that her doctor told her she now has to wait two months to try again. That throws off her whole plan. She really wanted to be pregnant this month because she's a teacher and it is easiest to have a spring baby... wouldn't it be nice to even be able to try to plan like that??? It only gives me a little twinge when she says that, because she has expressed to me that she understands it's not that easy for me. But she's my person who I go to with everything... and I'm her person. So her frustrations... they come to me. That's how our relationship is.

My post has started to wander now... but I guess the point it... I'm sad for her. I'm sad that she's sad. I wish her husband was here to help her.

But I'm confident that she will soon be pregnant and give little M a brother or sister. And I can only hope that I will too. If we are pregnant together and have babies close in age, maybe it would help make all of this craziness and waiting a little more acceptable.