Moved

I am writing this post from our new town. We made the move I'd been so dreading... it was 3 days at a residence inn, 3 days on the road, and then another 3 days at another residence inn. The dogs were beside themselves and have not yet recovered. G-man was fine. He's three months old- he doesn't really know what's going on. I'm not happy to be here. My MIL is already driving me nuts. We are renting a house and it feels like I'm living in someone else's house. I really, really miss MY house. (Which is no longer my house. The new owners closed two days ago.) I'm already lonely.

I met up with a girl I met online- I wrote about her a few months ago and how her little boy was ill. Sadly, he passed away last month. She's is an amazing woman, though, and still wants to get to know me and G-man. I have lunch plans with another woman from the same online board tomorrow, and I heard today from a mom's group. So I'm trying. I am hoping to meet up people. For the most part, I don't want to hate it here. Why would I want to be miserable? But I'll admit, there is a small part of me that feels loyal to my old town and stubborn about the feelings I had the last 17 years that "there's no place like home" (home being my old town). That teeny tiny part of me would somehow feel justified if I hate it here. But hopefully I don't, because that would make my life rough for quite a while.

G-man is doing great. He's pretty much doubled his birth weight. He is holding his head up well and "talking" to us all of the time. He grins at us and laughs in his sleep (we're still waiting for a "for real" out loud laugh). He loves his doggies and his mommy and daddy. I'm enjoying dressing him like a little man (in spite of my MIL's insistence that I have far too many clothes for him) and he's getting close to needing a hair trim, at least around his ears.

We love him to pieces and it's weird to imagine that just over three months ago he wasn't here yet.

Long time no post...

Sorry that I suck and haven't updated. The pathetic thing is that it's mainly because I've changed my main email to gmail, and so I'm always signed in as that. I have to sign out in order to update here. What a stupid excuse, huh?

With infertility, especially dealing with it for as long as we did, you spend so long trying to get pregnant, and trying to stay pregnant and just focusing on being pregnant that you almost lose sight of the ultimate goal- there's (hopefully) going to be a real live baby at the end of this!

G-man is just over 2 months old and sometimes I'm still in shock that I am his mother. I grew him in my belly. He belongs to me. My dad posted a picture of him on his own face.book account today. And I looked at the picture and still got that little shock of that's really my kid!

So, having a baby. It has it's ups and downs, and that pretty much sums up our days. I'm exhausted. But G-man has started to settle into a nighttime schedule, so not as exhausted as I was a month ago. I don't love breastfeeding. But it's been a little better over the last few weeks, and it's definitely working for G-man- his weight has increased 75% from his birthweight and almost twice as much as he was when he came home from the hospital. I miss my husband. But my favorite part of this parenting thing so far is the look III gives G-man when he comes home.

Being "an infertile" and, to be honest, especially being part of the infertility blogging community, I feel like there is a vibe out there for many people (especially those of you who are still struggling with all of your might to become parents) that those of us who have babies should be happy about it all of the time. Or even if we're not, we shouldn't mention it publicly, and especially not bloglicly.

But it's effing hard.

And I knew it would be hard. No one pretends that it's easy to be a parent, especially to an infant. That said, there is just no way to wrap your brain around just how hard it is unless you are in it. Not just "once you've been there"... but unless it's happening to you right now. (If that wasn't true, we'd have a lot more only children out there.)

But there is also was no way for me to understand, no matter how intellectually I knew it would be the case, how it would feel when my baby son looks at me as I'm talking to him and smiles into my eyes. How I'd feel almost physical pain myself when he was crying out in pain and I couldn't figure out why. How my heart would swell, as if it was going to burst, when, despite others' attempts to pacify him, he stops fussing as I take him and he snuggles his face into my neck.

It was all worth it. It is all worth it.

(But I'm still tired as hell.)

G-man's arrival

Wednesday (the 17th) I saw my OB. She told me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and over 50% effaced. She speculated that I might have the baby early. I was like “Oh really?” but didn’t really think much of it. I don’t know why, but I never really thought I’d go early. I kind of figured I’d definitely be one of those first time moms who went past 40 weeks.

I went home and took a nap, and when I woke up at around 5, I was having very regular and uncomfortable (but not yet painful) contractions. I called the OB on call, and she suspected early labor, so she suggested I wait a while. Ten minutes later, I felt like the contractions were getting more painful, and decided I’d rather go to the hospital.

On the drive to the hospital, the pain really ramped up. We arrived at labor and delivery around 7:45, and they had me fill out some forms (not fun while having contractions) and put me in triage, where they determined I was 4cm dilated. At this point, I was also starting to really hurt. They transferred me to a private delivery room.

That was about 8pm. With the next two or three contractions, I was in A LOT of pain and kind of freaking out. I think I started to have a panic attack… Luckily, the anesthesiologist came in then. He gave me a spinal and an epidural. As they kicked in, my contractions got shorter, but they were still really painful. The anesthesiologist gave me a bolus, but an hour later there was more pain again so they increased my epidural.

The OB came in to check me around 10:30pm. I was 6cm dilated and as she was checking I felt a pop as my water broke. They told us to rest as much as we could, that now we were just waiting for my cervix to finish dilating.

I had trouble sleeping because the epidural had made me itchy, but I wasn’t in pain anymore. I rested and dozed as III slept. At 2am the nurse came in and determined I was over 9cm. She told me the OB was doing an emergency c-section, and would check on my around 3:15 and that it probably would be time to push. And sure enough, she came in right at 3:15- I was completely dilated and they started me pushing. They told me it could take 2-3 hours… but then with my next two contractions both the nurse and the OB commented on how quickly it was progressing. After probably 4 rounds of contractions, they told me “Don’t push now until we tell you- we have to get our gear on.” So they put on their gowns and masks, had me push again… and there was a baby!!! (Less than 20 minutes of pushing!) III was totally dazed. It was super surreal… I looked at him and said “Oh my god. We have a baby!”

They took him to be cleaned up. They suctioned him out and he started breathing and pinked up. His eyes were wide open and he was looking around. But he wasn’t crying. In fact, he didn’t cry at all! The nurses seemed puzzled but not concerned- even without the crying, everything else was good and he scored a 7 on his first apgar. He was 6lbs 6oz with a full head of black hair!

He’s now 11 days old, and sometimes it still feels surreal. I finally have a baby. MY BABY. Which, as most of you know, comes with a whole new set of worries. But I am finally a mommy. And III is a daddy.

In fact, he most amazing thing is seeing him with III. A friend said “Are you surprised at how much you love him?” and I told her, no, but I am in awe of how much III does. I have never seen my husband so enamored and happy. He carries him around and talks to him and sings to him. At 4 days old little G-man already knew his daddy’s voice and would look for him when he hears it. My heart could burst from the love.

Welcome to our little G-man. It took a lot of work and tears to get you here, but you were well worth the wait. xo

37w6d...

...is what I'd be today.

But the baby arrived on Thursday! Surprise!!!

I never thought I'd go early, but I guess we can't predict! Everyone is doing great, but we're all pooped. He's conked out in his bouncy chair, so I'm going to take a nap. I promise to be back as soon as I can to share the whole story. :)

All about me?

Since early to mid 2nd trimester, I've been participating on an online pregnancy message board that is organized by birth month. There are good things and bad things about those online communities, but in this case I've actually made a few good connections with other women- one who is currently a neighbor of mine, who I have hung out with a few times. Two others live in the city where we will be moving! It's nice to have made some connections there with women who will have babies (both boys as well!) the same age as mine.

One of the women is in the hospital with her little one now... long story short, they learned during the second trimester that their baby had some birth defects. At the time, there was some concern that they would be severe enough that the pregnancy would not be successful- there was even talk of terminating. As she progressed into 3rd trimester, the doctors began to feel that, even though he would need surgery and extra attention when he was born, her baby had a good chance at coming out of everything fine.

For various reasons, they induced her this weekend. (at around 37w.) It was not a very successful induction, and they ended up having to do a c/s- her baby was born and it was discovered that he has some additional concerning issues. I don't know the specifics, because all of these updates have come from a few other women on the message board who are in touch with her by text. There has been no news since this morning.

I'm having a hard time thinking about anything but her and her baby. I know that I tend to be almost overly empathetic- I get wrapped up in the stories of people I don't even know. In this case, I've gotten to know her a bit through the internet, but have never met her. In some ways, it feels kind of crazy how concerned I am for her and her little boy.

Though, if I'm being totally honest (and what is an anonymous blog for if not to be totally honest) there is a part of me that is concerned for me in this situation. (Ugh. It makes me cringe to even type that. Like it's all about me!!!) I really like everything I've learned about this woman, and we have quite a lot in common. It's been one of the few things I've been looking forward to with our move- getting to meet her and anticipating spending time together. If something terrible happens with her son, I know that won't happen. I couldn't blame her- how could she watch my son grow and thrive when hers didn't. That would be hard to do with someone with whom you had an established friendship, not to mention someone from the internet who you've never met. So there is a part of me that is worried about what this means to our potential friendship.

I know that even without that I'd be feeling very concerned for her. I know because it's been true with other women on the message board, and even blogs I've read for the first time only after reading about it on LFCA. But it makes me feel kind of ashamed that I even am bringing my petty concerns into the situation, even in my own head.

Send out some thoughts and prayers for my message board friend and her little boy, please! I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be fine and find great friends in my new city. But no one should have to go through this with their sweet baby, and I really am wishing for a quick and full recovery for her son.

What's going on

As I mentioned in a previous post, there's something big going on with us. It's kind of making me miserable, which kind of pisses me off. Why can't I just have a short time when things are easy and perfect???

If you've been with me a while, you may have read the background in this post. We did spend last summer in City B, and with the one year anniversary of his transplant coming up, III's dad is doing really well. But III still hates it here and he still misses his family and friends.

Because the economy has been so bad, III had told me that it would probably be a year, or even two or three before we even had the option of being transferred. Which was completely fine with me.

Mid-June, on a Wednesday morning, III told me that he recently found out that a transfer may be more imminent. Because of the baby, we talked about potentially taking his name off of the list for a transfer temporarily... that would have given us at least 6 months to a year before it came up.

Later that day, before we could do anything, he got the call that the transfer was approved. And we had to give a yes or a no by noon the next day.

That was a bad day.

If we had turned down the transfer, we would not be offered another for at least two years. If we took the transfer, and then changed our mind, we would not be offered another for at least four years. III decided it was time to "shit or get off the pot", as they say. He said if we didn't do it now, we'd never do it, so two years of four years wasn't going to make any difference.

So he accepted. And we've been seeing our therapist weekly since then hashing it out. We were supposed to be spending that time exploring the pros and cons of both staying and going, but that's never really what happened. It basically turned into operation get-me-to-agree-to-city-B.

At our last appointment, our therapist asked how I felt about the whole thing. I told her "I'm not thrilled, but I just don't feel like I have a choice."

So in mid-November we're moving. We're leaving this city I love. The city where I felt at home the first minute my plane touched down almost seventeen years ago. The city where I've developed my own 'family'. The city I know the ins and outs of. Where I have educated over one thousand children. Where all my connections are. We're leaving the home we made together- our first marital home. The little insulated life we have created here.

We're moving. To a city where I know nearly no one- and absolutely no one who is not somehow already connected to my husband. Where my in-laws, who mean well but drive me crazy and just don't get me, live. Where they will have constant expectations about and input into our lives.

I fully understand the benefits of this move for our family. I understand how this is going to be good for our baby. But when I asked III to make me a "pros" list of what benefits there are for me- just me as an individual- he couldn't even come up with one.

I know I'll be okay. I am an extrovert who makes friends easily. I'm having a baby, which will be an automatic "in" to making new connections. I'm not one to sit on my butt and mope and feel isolated and sorry for myself. But I'm devastated to be leaving my home.

Our house goes on the market next week. They are having an open house on Sunday. The realtor sent a "stager" in this week. She spent both days packing up all of our 'clutter' and moving our furniture around. I ended both days in tears, and now I'm living in a space I hate. This is not my home. I am not comfortable in my own house. I can only hope it sells quickly to someone who is willing to wait to move in until November so that we can put it back the way it belongs.

So that's what's going on. The fear and sadness that is hanging over my head as I try to prepare for the most joyous experience in my life.

I know it will be okay. I just wish it wasn't happening right now.

Four weeks to go!

Well, to my due date...

I'm super excited to meet my little boy, I'm kind of sad at the thought of no longer being pregnant.

I have really liked being pregnant. Yes, my hips are killing me and I can't wait to sleep on my stomach again, but I love how connected I feel to him. I love feeling him roll around and hiccup and push out on my belly from the inside (even when it hurts). I like that strangers are excited for me and there is such a sense of anticipation around our family right now.

I've been waiting for this baby for years and years, and am so happy that he will be here soon. But a big part of me will definitely miss no longer being a pregnant lady.

35/35

KB and Sra threw me a baby shower this weekend. I got so many great gifts- lots of gear and cute clothing.

My mom came in for the shower, and today we hit the 40% off Carter's sale.

Tonight, I washed all the newborn and 0-3 month sized clothing, plus the burp cloths and bibs.

Me. I washed and folded baby clothing. For my baby.

I continue to have short moments of panic. As I'm putting together the bouncy seat, or taking tags off of clothing I think "What if something happens? What will we do with all of this stuff?" But more often I'm excited. I imagine putting these teeny socks onto baby boy's little feet. I worry that he'll already be too big when he's born to even fit into the super cute newborn onesies my friends bought me.

Today is 35/35. I'm 35 weeks today. That means 35 days until my due date.

Me.

Six weeks to go.

I keep meaning to post. There is a big something going on in our life right now (well, other than the obvious BIG SOMETHING of the baby...), but I guess I'm just not ready to blog about it. I'm feeling very stressed and I guess, if I'm being honest, upset about the whole thing and being pregnant and expecting a baby while it's happening is making it harder.

So I guess I'll skip it for now....

I am 34 weeks as of yesterday. I can't believe I am this pregnant. After everything! I am starting to hit that point that infertiles who are still waiting for their baby are annoyed to hear about- I'm uncomfortable and sometimes in pain and to be completely honest, it's not an enjoyable part of pregnancy.

The sciatica I've had since 14 weeks has really ramped up. My right hip and leg pretty much hurts all of the time. Especially when I get up from sitting. My OB said I also need to be careful about my balance- the sciatica can make me more prone to falls. That would suck.

I'm not sleeping well. I'm uncomfortable, plus I wake up at least every two hours to pee. I realized this weekend that it might be a long time before I get a good night's sleep again!

My other big complaint- baby has started to run out of room, and in doing so his stretching and pushing is causing a very sore, bruised feeling spot on the top of my belly. It especially hurts when he gives me a big stretch right in that spot again! I keep trying to explain to him that he's hurting mommy, and he can have the whole rest of my uterus for his stretches, but I guess he likes that spot... My OB told me part of the pain could also be my rectus abdominus muscle actually tearing. Awesome.

In spite of all that- I'm still really glad to be pregnant. I love feeling him wiggle and roll. Even when it hurts, I prefer it to when he's quiet. We've started trying to get the dogs ready- putting out the baby stuff (swing, bassinet, car seat) and playing baby noises. (Poor Peanut was so distraught the first time I played the baby cry. She threw her head back and started howling along!) III and I are so excited to meet our little boy, but I definitely want to wait at least another 3 to 4 weeks!

I still have my moments of fear and superstition. This weekend, while I was putting together the bassinet, running through my mind was how I'd attempt to sell it if 'something happened'. It's been a hard balance to get prepared while still feeling really cautious. In spite of this, the nursery preparation has been put on hold by the previously mentioned big something, and I'm really disappointed about it. I have done lots of crafts to prepare to set up the nursery, and it's hard to be in such a holding pattern.

So that's it for now. There's been a request for belly pics, so I'll leave you with a fuzzy one from this morning, as well as an "artsy" belly shot from a trip out to the lake last week.

It's weird to be a pregnant lady.

Sorry I've been MIA. My computer totally died and I had to get a new hard drive. You do not even want to know how many hours I spent on the phone with so-called tech support. Ugh.

But I'm back up and running (and, with the exception of my internet favorites, had most of my HD backed up!).

There's actually a lot to share, including some (non baby) drama, but lets be positive for today.

It is very interesting to (finally) be a pregnant lady. People regularly ask me "When are you due?" And I still always think they're asking "What do you do?" which always confuses me, because why do you care? But, oh wait. WHEN am I due. LOL Random people talk to me. In stores, in restaurants, from across parking lots.... The other day a guy who was walking with his wife and kids turned around to call to me and ask if it was my first.

I have not had any strangers try to touch my belly. Maybe it's the area where I live- people tend to keep more to themselves, so the comments and smiles are already above and beyond what you can expect on a daily basis!

The weirdest is when I get looks from men. Not bad looks... and not lecherous or anything. Just attention. One day, walking less than two blocks at an outdoor mall, I had four men give me friendly/appreciative looks. Maybe I looked extra cute (and pregnant) that day?

III is constantly looking at my belly and smiling. I am carrying high and out front, so I'm pretty much all belly. He is always commenting "He's getting big!" Which is much nicer than "You're getting big!" Oh, and to update on my previous post, we are no longer having sex. He turned me down again the last time I suggested it. I think he's too conscious that his son is inches away in my belly- not that he really believes he'll hurt him, but that he just feels weird. For now I'm okay with that, but it does bother me that it means we'll probably go six months without. On the flip side, III is much more sentimental and even affectionate sometimes.

At 30 weeks, I'm starting to have trouble bending over and my appetite is all over the place- some days I'm starving, others I want to snack all day, and still others I have no interest in food and only eat because I should. I'm clearly running out of room for my stomach to comfortably fit, and lets not even talk about my colon. But I still have 2 months to go, so I'm not going to complain. Six weeks from now may be another story!

Truly, I've (physically) had a pretty easy pregnancy so far. (Well, geez. It's only fair, I guess after the craziness of trying to get here...) A little heartburn, which I often have when I'm not pregnant, and a bout with hemorrhoids (which I've also had before). The worst is the sciatica in my right hip and leg... but, really, if that's the worst of it? I think I'm doing okay.

I promise to post more soon, including about some of the less pleasant issues going on in our lives right now. Hope some of you are still reading! I am reading many of your posts, even if when don't comment!

The hormones probably aren't helping...

Let me begin by saying that I'm sure I'd be less irritated if I wasn't teeming with pregnancy hormones. I totally get it.

So anyway.

When I decided to take this year off, my best friend was thrilled. She's staying home with her kids and was psyched that we'd get to see each other all of the time.

Of course, it didn't turn out that way.

I definitely see her more than I used to, but considering neither of us are working, it should be easy to plan time together- especially since I usually don't mind driving out to hang out with her and the kids at her house. After all, I just have me to get there.

The problem? She's a planner. BIG TIME. She literally has had every weekend this summer planned out since at least a month ago. Again, she has no weekends free to plan anything together. (Though one of those weekends is booked to have a shower for me- but it was one of only two weekends she had available the whole summer.)

A conversation will go like this:
BF: We should hang out this week!
Me: Yes, we should. My schedule is pretty open...
BF: Well, I have baby playgroup on Monday morning, and plans with J on Tuesday morning. Then I'm having lunch with A on Tuesday and we're taking the kids to the park. On Wednesday, my husband is going to work from home while I go to {this activity} with {whoever}. Then Friday we're leaving around 11am to go to the beach house for the whole weekend. So how about Thursday?
Me: I have to work Thursday. (Note- one of two days that I'm working the whole week)
BF: Ugh. Your work schedule is such a pain! It totally gets in the way of us hanging out!

Could that last comment kind of be tongue in cheek? Absolutely. Except she says it nearly every single time.

She really wants to meet my friend, Sra. I really want them to meet- they have a ton in common, plus they are planning my shower together. In May, I offered to have them over for a Saturday or Sunday, lunch or dinner, with kids. My BF had one day that worked for her. The one weekend that Sra was out of town. Then summer started, and like I said, she has every weekend scheduled already. Guess they'll meet at my shower....

The thing that has me going today... she wanted us to do a double date with our husbands- it's been close to a year since we have. Again, she had three days that worked- a Tuesday, a Thursday and a Friday. III generally is pretty wiped on work nights, but he said he could do this Friday, despite that fact that he's been 8 hrs away at training all week and will be driving back early in the morning.

I am working 10-5 that day. So I suggested we make reservations for 7:30pm. BF just called to tell me that's too late- they don't like to leave their babysitter longer than 9pm, plus she'd like to be in bed by 9:30.

*sigh* I know that you have to schedule your social life around your kids. I completely understand that in a very short time, that will be our world. But then don't make it seem like I'm the one who is making it difficult to get together. I was free every day this week.

She is my biggest support and I love her to death. But I'm tired and pregnant and cranky, and I'm not really interested in having to be the one who bends over backwards to try to make time together right now. And I resent that it makes me feel like I'm being antisocial and difficult.

/rant

Denied

Last night, I crawled into bed with III...naked. He just lay there. I said "Are you too tired?" He looked at the clock and said, "Yeah. I'm too tired." I put my PJs back on, gave him a kiss, and rolled over.

And cried for an hour.

There hasn't been much action around here for the last four or five months. On top of the normal pregnancy stuff, the increased dose of Prozac I'm on makes my sex drive about .... zero. III has stopped initiating- he told me that he felt like I just would say yes because I feel bad for him and "that's not hot."

So, though I never got that second tri drive increase, I try to initiate once in a while. Once we get going, I'm fine and enjoy it.

Last time, maybe a week or two ago, III commented that it was kind of strange to think of having sex while "our son" was there. I reminded him that HE doesn't know what's going on! LOL I still think III was kind of freaked out. I'm pretty sure he didn't... um... finish....

So, maybe he was too tired. Maybe it was because he had to get up early and knew he had a busy day today. But... geez. I know he, like most guys, would like to be doing it more often. And I know we'll have a big dry spell towards the end of my pregnancy and for a few months afterwards.

I don't know. I knew there was a possibility that III would just want to sleep, but it turned out to upset me anyway. Hello, hormones? It wasn't that I felt rejected, though I guess if I really delve into it I probably did a little. But It made me worry... maybe he isn't attracted to me. Maybe he won't want to have sex with me again. Even the really irrational, over the top thought... what if there's someone else?

I don't know the solution. III has told me he isn't too worried, that he knows this is temporary. I've already spoken to my doctor about adjusting my meds after the baby arrives. I know there is more to our relationship than sex, but I guess I still worry.

Cute comments from III

As our pregnancy progresses, III gets more and more outwardly excited. He has said some really, really cute things.

One night in bed, I wanted him to try to feel the baby move. (This was before he had felt him.) He wasn't able to, but he wasn't upset about it. He said "It's so weird- there are three of us in bed right now!"

This weekend while baby was jumping around like crazy and we could see it from the outside: "Is it weird to be growing something in there? Like an alien?"

I participated in a gift exchange with other women who are due around the same time as I am (through a message board I've been on). My gifter sent me some really cute onesies, and they were sitting in the dining room. III saw them in there, and said "Are these for us? They're really small!" I told him, "I know. The baby is going to be really small!"

He bought me a card congratulating me on a small recognition I got at work. He signed it "Love, III, M-dog, Peanut and Nathalebriel"- a mix of the three names we are considering for baby boy.

And my favorite...

He came home this week and we were sitting down to dinner. He looked at me and said, "I wish it was September already. I just want to hold my son."

Moment

Since I started to feel the baby move, III has gotten more and more excited. I couldn't wait until he could feel it from the outside, but we never could get the timing quite right.

Last night, just before we headed out to dinner with his parents, I was laying down as he got ready. Baby started kicking a bit, so I asked III to come sit with me. He put both his hands on my belly and closed his eyes to concentrate. Baby boy gave a good kick just below my belly button.

III's eyes flew open. The expression on his face is one I'll never forget! I think the memory of it will remain one of my favorites for the rest of my life. :)

Registering

Today I am 23 weeks.

KB is planning to throw me a baby shower- not until July, but the planning is in the works. My mom and MIL I know are itching to start shopping. Plus, we're going to have to start getting prepared at some point.

So I've started researching. I literally have no idea about all the baby crap that is out there.* I bought the Baby Bargains book which has actually been helpful. KB also gave me a list (and is going to give me handmedowns! Woo hoo!) to go off of.

I've made some choices and started two registries... but I've made both of them private for now. I'm not sure when I will be able to make them public. I'm so nervous about this part... I'm so afraid of picking out baby things and requesting gifts. I don't know if I'm afraid to tempt fate or if I'm just afraid of how it will feel if something were to happen.

I am more excited and less nervous than I was, say, a month ago.** Especially two or three months ago. But it's like I'm still waiting for the bad to happen. The only purchases I've made are supplies for projects I have in mind for the baby. I bought yarn to make a homecoming bunting. Then to make a teddy bear- which is the first baby thing I've finished. Today I bought fabric for the nursery, to make a blanket and other bedding. Some unfinished frames and paint for a wall project I have in mind for the nursery. I don't know why that's easier- maybe because I can view it as a project rather than part of my planning.

I wish it was September and baby boy was here. I know that brings a whole new set of worries, but there's still so far to go, and so much that can go wrong. Statistically, I should be in really good shape. But statistics have never been on my side before.

*I'm so clueless, that whenever I'd hear or read about "BRU" I thought it was some fancy, upscale baby brand name. Nope. It's just Bab.ies R U.s. LOL
**I wish he'd kick more. And more consistently. And harder. He can kick me all day long. I'd love the constant reminder that he's alive.

Kick away, baby!

I am finally feeling some daily movement from the baby. During week 19 I would feel some pokes at bedtime. I wasn't sure if it was the baby or not... I haven't felt any "butterfly flutters" or "goldfish flips" like many describe their first movements.

At my 20w ultrasound, the tech told me I have an anterior placenta. Not a problem, but it explains why I wasn't feeling much movement, even into my 20th week.

Now, when I go to bed I spend about 10 minutes laying quietly on my back. Probably 80% of the time I feel him kick. I'm a fan. People keep telling me that I'll get sick of it in my 3rd trimester when he's keeping me awake... but right now that's just not something I can imagine being irritated by. It will mean I know he's alive and kicking in there.

In the last few days, I've started to think I can feel him moving at other times. A poke here or there while I'm working. A kick while I'm watching TV. This morning, I was doing the newspaper crossword online and there he was- kicking away. I love it. Keep going, baby. I love the constant reminders that you're here.

Friday night, III lay next to me with his hand on my belly trying to feel baby. I don't know if it's strong enough now... My OB did feel a kick at my last appointment as she was listening to the heartbeat with the doppler. I think III could feel him if it was the right kick, but at the times we've tried they are still not quite strong enough to feel from the outside. I told him he settles the baby down- that it means when he's fussy, I'll just hand him off to III and he'll stop crying. :)

Though he was disappointed that night not to be able to feel him kicking away in there yet, he was still excited to know that I could feel it. As he rolled over to go to sleep, III told me "There are three people in our bed right now. That's so exciting!!!" :)

It's a....

BOY!!!!

Everything looked PERFECT! We are so happy, relieved, and excited!!!!!!!!!!

Big day!

In a little over an hour, I leave for my anatomy scan. I have really mixed feelings coursing through me.

I'm nervous. Nervous about all the potential bad things that could be discovered. My ultra fertile, ultra easy-pregnancy, ultra naive sister asked me if I was excited and I told her "Yes, and nervous." She said "Nervous about what?" I said "Bad news." It doesn't even really occur to her that it could happen. I mean, yes, intellectually, she knows bad things happen in pregnancy. But to her the anatomy scan was soley an exciting time to see her baby and find out whether it was a boy or girl.

But I am excited too. I'm pretty sure I've been feeling some small kicks and pokes, so I feel pretty confident that baby is alive. (Dead baby is at the top of my fear list.) III sent me a text a little while ago. It said "Doctor's address? I'm excited!!! ({})" I'm really excited about his excitement. I've had all the symptoms and growth and now little kicks... I've heard the heartbeat every week and was at the last ultrasound alone. This will be his first time to really see the baby and connect to it. It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside and happy for him. :)

What I am most embarrassed to admit is that I'm having some anxiety over the gender reveal. Obviously, especially after all we've been through, a full term, healthy baby is our #1 priority. However, I've found myself leaning more towards hoping we're having a girl over a boy...which surprises me a little. I've always dreamed of watching III be a daddy to a son, and even before I met III I had it in my head that I'd want to have a boy first. There are a number of reasons for the switch... I think one is that 'feeling' every pregnant woman gets. I just feel like it's a girl. My nurse who checks the heartbeat each week thinks its a girl, and has said it each time. So maybe 'girl' has just gotten into my head.

The anxiety of it, however, I think comes from my parents. My mom has been telling me she wants me to have a girl since before I got pregnant. My sister has a boy and is pregnant with another boy. My mom wants to buy pretty dresses and cute shoes. (Well, who can blame her? So do I, to be honest...) I spoke to them yesterday and I told my mom "I hope you're not too disappointed if it's a boy!" and she of course assured me that she is thrilled that I am pregnant and just wants a healthy grandbaby, boy or girl.

The final cause of my anxiety is my dad. He has asked me no less than five times (at least one of them long before I was pregnant- before even my first loss) if we have a boy whether we are going to have a bris. I told him we hadn't even discussed it yet (every time)... but I think the answer is going to be no. I'm Jewish, III is Catholic. We had a non-denominational wedding. Part of the reason my dad is asking is that, before we got engaged, III sat me down for this big talk about what we might do about religion if we did progress to marriage. At that time (over five years ago now) he expressed that he would be open to raising the kids Jewish. Now... I'm not even sure he remembers saying that. We haven't practiced any religion at all since we've been married. I mean, of course a Christmas dinner here with his family, and a Passover seder there with KB's parents... but nothing really religious.

So at this point, I'm not sure how we will raise our kids in terms of religion. We've just been working so hard on getting a kid here. I did tell my parents (several years ago now) that they shouldn't have any specific expectations in terms of religion for our kids- that we were going to muddle through and put together what works best for us, and it might not be what they would prefer. But still, my dad asks.

So, if we have a girl... it's one less thing we have to worry about.

In just a few short hours, though, we'll know. And knowing always eases my anxiety. Even if what I worry about comes true, at least then we can start to make a plan. And if the 'worst' thing that happens is that our baby has a penis and I have to tell my dad that we will not be having the ceremony? Well, I think that will make us pretty lucky.

So wish me luck for a healthy, growing, active baby- boy or girl! I'll update all of you, my bloggy friends, either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Emetophobia

Emetophobia: an intense, irrational fear or anxiety pertaining to vomiting

Yep, that would be me. Ever since I was a kid. My sister would get the stomach flu and I'd lock myself in my bedroom. I'm great in emergencies, unless they involve vomiting. Then you can find me on the other side of the room (or preferably, a different room. Or building. Or city.)

I am lucky that I rarely vomit. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have in the last ten years. III also seems to be a rare vomiter.

Until this weekend.

Poor guy got the stomach bug that has been going around all winter. It came on pretty quickly, and he was very sick on Saturday night. He stayed in bed all day yesterday, which has never happened as long as I've known him.

Saturday night was rough for me as well. I felt so awful for him, and wished there was something I could do to help him. But I also couldn't shake my own fear that I would catch the bug and have to deal with myself vomiting. Every time I heard him in the bathroom, my own stomach seized up. I felt so bad... I wished I could be the person who sat by him and wiped his mouth as he was sick... but, yeah. Not so much. (Luckily, I don't think he's the type of person who would want that.)

I spent yesterday keeping the dogs quiet and periodically bringing him a tray with ginger ale, Gatorade, crackers and jello. I slept in the spare room for the past two nights so that he could get up as he needed to without worrying he was going to disturb me. (And who are we kidding? I was concerned about the germs...) And I'll admit, there was lots of hand washing...

This morning, I asked him how he was feeling and he shrugged and mumbled. He's cranky. Which I guess means he is getting better, right? But grumpiness irritates me. I mean, he's totally entitled- he's barely eaten for the last thirty six hours. He didn't work out yesterday. Which for him is crazy- I don't think there has been a day since I've known him that he hasn't worked out. And I know that makes him cranky. But I have a hard time not taking crankiness personally... I slept in today, mostly due to a pregnancy-headache. He got up and watched a James Bond movie and attempted some food. As soon as I came downstairs, he headed back upstairs. It could be that he wore himself out with his foray to the couch after no food for the past day and a half. But like I said... it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I wish I could be that wife who is totally selfless. Who can put all of my own feelings and phobias aside to care for my poor, vomiting husband. But I can't shake my own fears and insecurities, I guess. So on top of worrying about him and feeling bad that he feels so crappy, I'm left with a constant sense of anxiety and discomfort...

Hopefully, he didn't really notice. :-/

Struggling with post-baby plans

My meeting with my principal went really well. Turns out, he and his wife also dealt with infertility so he was really understanding. We talked about my taking the first half of the school year and returning for 3rd quarter. As he's new, he felt he needed to look into the situation more in terms of what he needed to do from there.

It is a weird position to be in- I want to be fair to my school and my team. I don't want to leave them hanging. But I also want to make sure I am protecting my interests. What if I decide I do want to return? When will I know? HOW will I know?

On top of that, I'm still not comfortable saying the words: "I'm having a baby." I said them a bunch of times on Tuesday. I saw lots of my coworkers who didn't know. They would ask if I was coming back. "Well, I'm having a baby...." I'm having a baby. Four easy words. Followed by the echo in my brain that says "But what if I don't? What if something happens?"

Even if this pregnancy progresses as it should (and so far all signs point towards that outcome), September is not the ideal time for a teacher to have a baby. Obviously, at this point that was the least of our concerns. But now that I am progressing, almost halfway through my pregnancy, the reality of that situation is settling in.

My situation is really good. Which makes it really hard. Financially- we can swing another year off for me. Professionally- I am able to take another year leave and still come back the following year. Personally- III has totally left it up to me. Whatever is going to make me the happiest.

See? Aren't I a lucky girl???

But... that leaves it totally on my shoulders. And I just don't know. I don't know what to do. On the one hand- hello! We've been trying to have this baby for almost four years!!!! But on the other... if I've learned anything from my year off this year, it is how much I identify myself as a teacher. I'm enjoying a lot of parts of not working this year (especially the part where I get to sleep until 8 or 9 am). But I also feel kind of untethered. I'm a good teacher. I help kids. I DO inherently like what I do. But I haven't been a mom yet. Maybe that will be enough next year. Maybe it will be better.

I may not have as much of a choice as I present here. III and I decided we'd start by looking at daycares. Many of the daycares that are recommended to me through people I know run their schedule based on the public school schedule. Sounds great for a teacher, right? Well, two problems. 1) I'm looking for a slot that begins mid-year. 2) Even if I was looking for a September slot, all of the daycares I've talked to so far are full for the next school year already.

So I'm feeling really torn. And not really ready to have to deal with all of this. I'm eighteen and a half weeks, and feel like I'm jumping the gun. But if I don't start now, I feel like I'll be behind- in fact, it seems in terms of finding a day care I already am.

Am I really going to have a baby?????

18 weeks

I've been meaning to post- I have a lot going through my head. But clearly I haven't done it...

So I'm 18w1d today. So far everything has been going well. (knock on wood... which is part of my issue! I'm nervous to say "everything has been going well....)

I have a little more energy. I have to pee all of the time. When I eat, I get full easily but then am hungry again soon.

Other than that, I haven't had a lot of symptoms. I'm starting to have some hip pain, especially on days when I work and am standing all day.

Yesterday, a friend stopped by the store and told me I'm starting to show. :) I am definitely bigger, but I don't know if I look pregnant yet. Maybe just tubby. ;)

I haven't felt any movement yet either. I am anxiously waiting for it to happen!!! I keep hoping that will help ease my anxiety. It has been better- between the increase in my meds, acupuncture and therapy I don't have that constant buzz of worry. I'm still worried... but it's not quite as intense.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my principal about next year. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to say... I haven't really made a decision about what to do about next year. So my plan is to discuss with him taking the first half of the year off (Sept-the end of Jan) and then coming back for the second half. I'm not sure if that's what is going to happen... but I still feel like it's too soon for me to comfortably decide. Unfortunately, the way a school year works, We're well into the time where my district wants me to decide. I just feel like I want to make the best decision for me without screwing my district over. (ie: ending up making a last minute decision to stay home and leaving them in the lurch.)

I've talked to several parent friends (KB, Sra...) who have made different decisions... and it helps in some ways but not in others. Sra told me "You will never have total clarity on your decision. There isn't going to be a 100% 'right' decision."

I feel like I am leaning in one direction more than another... but as I said, I'm just not ready to make a final decision. To be totally honest, I still worry about what would happen if I lose the pregnancy... and while maybe I 'shouldn't' make that part of my decision, I just can't discount it.

So... that's where things stand. Sort of a surface overview, anyway. My anatomy scan is two weeks from today. I'll definitely try to post before then, but will guarantee an update after we get the results. :)

MEN!!!!!

III and I are on vacation right now... so beautiful and warm!!! But right after we got here, I could hardly enjoy it because I was so PISSED at him!!!!!!!!!

He had told me he was going away for training the first week of April. I will be 18 weeks that week, and so was supposed to set up my anatomy scan. Since he was going to be away, I set it up for the following week- April 12. I also had to see my OB for an official appointment (as opposed to the keeping-me-sane-heartbeat-check-appointments) that first week of April.I set that up for the Thursday before. He wouldn't come to that appointment, but I wanted to have it while he was in town... well, just in case.

Right after we checked into the hotel, I got an email with my work schedule for next week. I am working all day Friday and all day Saturday. I mentioned to him that he better soak up his time with me this week, because then I'll be working and then he'll be away. He replied "It's a whole week before I leave for training after we get back, so I'm sure we'll have plenty of time together."

Turns out he CHANGED HIS TRAINING. He is going the FOLLOWING week and just FORGOT TO TELL ME!!!!!!! He knew we had an appointment on the 12th, but... I don't know. Just ... forgot! ARGH. I am SO ANNOYED (as I am sure you can tell). So. Mad.

I called today and had to push our big ultrasound to the 18th. So that adds almost a whole week to my wait. Awesome for someone who has had major anxiety through this pregnancy. Thanks, husband.

I know that some level of my annoyance is probably due to hormones. But still. I want to give him a massive dope slap right now.

Baby steps

KB was out of town for two weeks. Tomorrow, III and I leave for a week's vacation. So she and I had to squeeze in a visit in between our vacations.

But KB is always busy. So she squeezed me in. Two hours of shopping this weekend.

While at the mall, she insisted we go into Mother.hood Mat.ernity. I have bought some clothes online (since my "real" clothes either don't fit or fit uncomfortably) but had only one kind of uncomfortable foray into a maternity store. (It was actually a baby G.ap with a couple of racks of maternity clothing in the back.)

So we looked at the stuff and I tried a few things on... I ended up just buying two t-shirts and two tank tops.

It felt a little weird to be in that shop, but I was doing okay. Even when I got to the register and the cashier asked for my due date. But then she asked me "would you like to receive coupons for the baby and free gifts like diapers and formula in the mail?" And I froze. KB answered for me "Yes, she does." Then I was asked whether I wanted a free issue of Parenting Magazine and I quickly said "NO."

Things have been going well. I just heard the heartbeat again today and it was strong. I'm getting fatter. Even my anxiety has let up a bit. (Clearly my doctor was right about increasing my Pro.zac dose.) Everything is how it should be.

But that voice is still there. Quiet now, but still in the back of my head... I imagine it behind my right ear, near that little hollow where my neck tendon connects to my skull. "A baby is a long ways away. A lot can still go wrong. What if there is no baby in September?" I am trying to stay positive and even have days that I'm excited... but imagining the worst happening and then getting an issue of Parenting Magazine every month... I just couldn't go there.

I guess it's all about baby steps... which I suppose is fitting in this situation.

Where is that energy surge???

First of all, I have to say that you guys are the best. Thanks for all the support on my last post. I know it's hard to want to be pregnant so badly and then hear/read a pregnant woman complaining about her symptoms/issues. But in the moment, no matter how badly you want to be pregnant, it sucks to be throwing up all day every day. It sucks to have to go to work when you are exhausted from growing things in your uterus. It sucks to have panic attacks so regularly that you can't function. It's beautiful and miraculous to be pregnant and growing a baby. But a lot of the side effects? Suck. Regardless of how long it took to get there.

Moving on.

Speaking of exhaustion... that was my main physical symptom with this pregnancy. A little queasiness weeks 6-10, sore boobs... but the overwhelming tiredness was definitely the most noticeable.

You're supposed to get this new surge of energy in the second trimester. Or at least get back to "yourself" which feels like a surge after the sleepy first. Well, I know I'm barely into the second trimester... but I haven't had that surge yet. I just slept for ten hours and could easily crawl back into bed for a nap. I don't know how I would function if I was teaching this year. I feel bad for III... he's been very tolerant of his couch potato wife. Making dinner most nights and putting up with the mess in the house, when he could, in all fairness, be like "What do you DO all day????"

So that's where I am now. Waiting for my energy surge. Bring it on!!!

Not all rainbows and unicorns...

I'm finding myself in a weird place in terms of my relationship with the online IF and loss communities.

I've been recently following a message board that is women who are pregnant after loss. I have also been a regular reader of LFCA since someone submitted my blog after my first miscarriage. I joined the IF blogging community, as well as the aforementioned message board, in order to share with women who understand what I've gone through. To seek support and to help support others.

However, I've gotten to a point where my anxiety is getting in the way of the second half of that. I'm at a point where, whenever I read about someone else's loss (especially if it is at a point past where I currently am in my pregnancy) it causes a physical anxiety reaction. I've been trying to be really positive lately and remind myself that everything is going well and looks normal. To read about others' losses after what seems to be a normal pregnancy chips away at that (attempted) positivity. The other day, to take away the panicky feeling I had after reading another recent loss story, I made myself go to my facebook friends list and start counting friends who had healthy pregnancies and children. (I counted 100 by the time I got to the Js.)

On the message board I read, one woman suggested it was selfish for people to avoid the loss posts- that they would want the support if the situation was reversed so they should put aside their feelings and anxieties to support posters who have had a recent loss. All I can think is that this particular poster has never dealt with severe anxiety.

Let me tell you- everyone worries. Everyone gets anxious. But if you have never had ruminating anxiety- if you have never had a panic attack... you don't get it. I have had a number of comments on this blog saying "I wish I was in your position and had something to be anxious about." I certainly understand reading about someone's ART success and thinking "I wish I was where you are," even when they are complaining about morning sickness or back pain or uncomfortable nights. I feel so lucky to be fourteen weeks pregnant right now, and will readily push through whatever I need to with this anxiety to get to my baby. But I will tell you- you do NOT wish you had my experience. You may wish you were pregnant. And you may think you would gladly take the panic and anxiety to get there. But that tells me you've never had that level of anxiety.

Maybe that sounds contradictory. Maybe it pisses you off for me to say that. But there is no way I can make you understand what I am going through if you have never experienced it. I have learned through years of having an anxiety disorder that people who haven't been there don't get it. Just like I don't know what it's like for my sister who has fibromyalgia when she has a flare up. Just like I don't know what it's like for my mom who has asthma when she has an attack. I can not make you understand what it's like to be driving to my OB appointment in a full panic attack, convinced that somehow something has gone wrong and unable to control either my thoughts or my physical panic symptoms. I can not explain to you how it feels to have a constant worry in the back of my mind that something is going wrong. CONSTANT. I've had an anxiety disorder my whole life, and I don't even think I was prepared for what this would be like once I was in a continuing pregnancy.

I hope all of you have success. I hope you get to experience morning sickness and back pain and restlessness. Even anxiety if that's part of your process. But please don't minimize what these all entail for a pregnant woman, just because she's getting a baby at the end. It may all be worth it, but it doesn't mean it's easy when you're in the throes of it.

There's actually a baby in there!

Continued spotting and ongoing twinges led me to call my OB again who sent me to the high-risk u/s doctor. (Who, by the way, was A MILLION times better than the doctor at the other u/s place I would otherwise go to...)

Baby is measuring 14 weeks with a heartbeat of 154. We don't know what is causing the spotting, but the doctor said it could even be leftover from when I had the bleeding at 6w.

I left with pictures- for the first time they showed more than a little blob in a cavity.
III said it looks like a potato with a head. All I can focus on is that sweet little nose.

I still have my OB appointment on Monday, but this should definitely get me through the weekend and then some. (I hope.)

Update

I've been meaning to post, but I've been having a rough week.

Don't worry. Everything is okay.

My anxiety is still been pretty overwhelming. I don't think I even really realized it until yesterday when I met for my psychopharm followup with Dr. F. In her words, I am "still in a lot of distress." I'm not having panic attacks- the klonopin has really helped with that. And when I say that, I mean just having the klonopin. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've taken it (and half of those times I only took half of a tablet), but just knowing I have it if I need it helps. If you have ever had anxiety issues, you know that the prospect of having an anxiety or panic attack can cause an anxiety or panic attack in itself. It's reassuring to know I have a tool I can use if I need to, and just knowing that makes it so often I don't need to.

But the ongoing, underlying anxiety is taxing. I am tired of being scared. I wish I could take it away, but that's not a reasonable expectation. But Dr. F says I am still in more 'distress' than is normal or healthy, so she increased my prozac dosage just a bit. I don't have a problem with taking the slightly higher dose, I'm just feeling skeptical about whether it will work. Unfortunately, as with many SSRIs, it can take up to a month to know for sure if it is working.

In the meantime, I've been having brown spotting for the last four days, so that's just awesome for my anxiety. III and I had sex on Saturday, so that is likely the cause. I had a heartbeat scan on Monday (more on that in a minute) and also spoke with my nurse (I have seen and spoken with this nurse, MJ, so often now I am thinking of her as "mine") on Wednesday. She said not to worry unless the bleeding is red and heavy enough that it "saturates a pad". They told me I could come in, but I had my appointment with Dr. F so I told her I'd call today if I still felt like I needed to. I have an appointment with my OB on Monday anyway, so...

During my heartbeat scan on Monday, it took over two minutes to find the heartbeat. F R E A K I N G O U T. But she found it. My first hb scan, she found it way down by my pubic bone. Last week, it was a little further up and to the left. This week, right below my belly button. MJ and I agreed that this baby is going to be a little shit- just like daddy, I guess!

Yeah, III has been a shit for the last week. I don't know what the hell his problem is, but you'd think he was the one with the pregnancy hormones giving him mood swings. Last night he went to bed before me and fell right to sleep, and when I got into bed I just wanted to punch him in the face. If it wouldn't make it worse, I would have woken him up to make him listen to why I was mad. But I didn't. Today, I cleaned up the whole downstairs (with the exception of vacuuming). So he better fucking be in a good mood, or we're going to have a serious problem. Especially if all he mentions is that I didn't vacuum.

Oh, and we told our parents. But I'll have to save that for another post.

Gossip has outed me...

So, one of the benefits of not being at school is that I can keep this pregnancy under wraps a bit. I have told 2 friends from school- one who had been through tons of infertility stuff, and another who's sister has been through it and who has recently had some trouble herself.

Today, I got an email from another coworker congratulating me. She said she heard it from this totally random coworker in the copy room. WTF???? My friend T (the first mentioned above) is very close with a former secretary at our school, who is a HUGE gossiper. T told me the last time I saw her that this woman wanted her to let me know that she's "always praying" for me. I'm guessing T told her, and then she has let the news leak. Either that our someone overheard my second friend talking about it, though I don't know to whom she would have been talking.

Fuck. I mean, we were going to start telling people soon anyway, but we haven't even told our families!!!! *sigh* I'm annoyed. I'll have to talk to III today about revealing to our families. They live far away, but with fb now everyone is close by. I'd hate to have them find out by accident from someone else. *sigh*

I just wasn't ready yet. I'm not even feeling like this is real, and I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't want to have to give my parents bad news if this doesn't work out. I feel like having other people know makes me even more anxious- I don't know why. I know it doesn't have any bearing on whether or not this baby stays with us. But I feel like now that the world knows, somehow things are more dangerous.

I'm irritated with myself I guess too. I haven't been "careful" enough. It's not that hard to find this blog. I also have posted a handful of posts on a pregnancy board- mostly because I've been so anxious and wanted reassurance. One is a board for people who are pregnant after having losses. I used my standard handle, and an acquaintance from college contacted me because she saw my posts there- she's 11w after having had 2 m/c. I told myself that the only people who would be reading the board would be others in my place (which is what I've told myself about this blog), but clearly if I didn't want others to know I should have kept my mouth (or I guess my keyboard) shut.

Annoyed. I guess that's what I get for being too much of a 'sharer'. :(

A bit tardy

Sorry for not updating! I've been lazy for most of the day and then taught a class this evening.

I am officially past 12 weeks. Today the nurse started by looking for baby down near my pubic bone, since that's where she found the heartbeat last week. After I started to have heart palpitations, she reminded me to take a deep breath and relax because that sucker is really little and can be hard to find. But find it she did- now to the left and a bit below my belly button. The nurse has decided it must be a girl by the heartbeat and the fact that she "hides".

So all is good. I took the good news as an opportunity to do some online shopping for clothes. Gap, Old Navy, and a couple tops on sale from Motherhood. I should be good for a while... (Why does my head always asterisk those comments with "assuming all progresses well"....?)

Sooooo cranky.

I have been super mopey and cranky the last few days.

I feel unattractive (which I've been trying to counter with copious amounts of eyeliner), unproductive, and unlikable. III has seemed kind of cranky too (though his always is in a more understated way) which makes me feel like he's not liking me very much. Of course, it's been over a week since we last had sex, and that usually makes him cranky. Men.

Is this normal? Am I just being hormonal? WTF is my problem????

The last two days I've had some crampiness too. Nothing terrible... but you know me. I worry. When it's been at it's worst, it's usually followed by a poop. Imagine that.

Nothing fits me right now. I actually tried to go shop for some maternity clothes. Fail. First of all... everything I found was ugly or totally not my style. (Well, except for two shirts. I bought them.) Second of all, the Gap maternity by me is a handful of racks in the back of a baby Gap. So as I'm trying on clothes (and feeling like a fraud. Who am I to think I should be buying maternity clothes???) I'm listening to peoples' children scream their heads off. Awesome.

I did have some success with bras. I originally bought 2 at VS, which I didn't love and came to a total of $90. For real? For bras??? Lame. Then I did some online research and found that while I don't usually fit the body type that Lane Bryant caters to, I do fit the boob type. So I bought FOUR bras there for just ten percent more than I bought the two at VS. Needless to say, I returned those two. I usually wear a 36D and bought 38DD. I'm a little concerned that those will eventually be too small as well, but I really needed something.

As of yesterday I am twelve weeks. I've been fighting with myself over the last two weeks or so to say "I am X weeks" instead of "I would be X weeks, assuming everything is still alive." But in my head, I'm not always as successful. Though I heard the heartbeat just four days ago, I can't help thinking "I am twelve weeks IF everything is still okay." I'll know for sure tomorrow. Heartbeat scan first thing in the morning. Maybe then I can stop worrying about my achey crampy abdomen. Maybe then I can stop being so damn cranky. :-/

Still pregnant

I saw the nurse at my doctor's office first thing this morning. She was able to find the heartbeat way down low near my pubic bone. It measured around 160. My next appointment is on tuesday. At that point I will be 12 weeks.

On Anxiety

As my last ultrasound gets further away, I get progressively more anxious. As I mentioned, my OB told me I could come in whenever I needed/wanted to, but even that makes me anxious. I've felt nervous about even calling to talk to the admin staff about making an appointment.

Yesterday, I had my consult with the psychopharmacologist, Dr. F. It lasted almost an hour and a half! I really liked her- she was clearly very knowledgeable and experienced. The practice she works in is also very collaborative and keeps up with all the studies around psych meds and pregnancy.

I know that many people don't think a woman should take any meds, and especially psych meds, when pregnant. If you are one of those people, then I respect that choice for YOU. However, I have no doubt that my level of anxiety and it's accompanying physical symptoms are bad for my baby. This is something I was strongly aware of just on my own, and its why I asked my OB about it. Both she and this Dr. F confirmed that. Dr. F also discussed with me the possibility of more severe anxiety after the baby is born.

Dr. F felt that I should continue with my prozac, and that down the line we may even want to increase it. She also gave me a prescription for klonopin, to take when I am having acute anxiety or in the middle of a panic attack. She took quite a bit of time covering all of the studies around pregnancy and the potential effects of each of these drugs on a baby, as well as studies about the pre and post natal effects of untreated anxiety and depression on babies. She prepared me for comments I might hear from people, even nurses and other medical professionals, who do not know the specifics of my situation and/or as much about the studies around these meds.

Finally, she suggested that I take my OB up on the offer to have regular heartbeat scans- she suggested twice a week. She felt that not only would it ease my mind, but that it would make the visits to the OB more routine for me, which would hopefully ease my anxiety around the anticipation of each visit. This made me feel more like it was okay to call to make an appointment- like there was further validation by having this doctor "prescribe" more appointments. Despite this, I was still anxious to actually make the call, but I did (and it was obviously fine and pretty easy) and I have an appointment with a nurse first thing tomorrow morning. (And, as a testament to my crazy brain, all I can think about is that I hope there is a heartbeat and not loss. Will this kind of thinking ever stop???)

I am relieved to have something to help me. The thought of the ongoing anxiety and imminent panic attacks made me even more anxious than I already was. I hope that not only will her suggestions help me, but that as I get further in my pregnancy that my anxiety will decrease.

Yogaing it.

Thanks for all of your input on the anxiety, therapy, and exercise. I think I am going to call L- she actually periodically meets clients at my RE's office, so since I'm not working full time I'm going to see if her schedule there works with mine. It's half the drive that it is to her other office. But if not I'm going to go see her, at least a couple of times even if I have to drive the length.

I have an appointment with the psychopharmacologist. I've said this before- I know I am sooooo lucky to have such great insurance coverage for all of this infertility stuff, but I have to tell you that it doesn't come easily. I had to call for approval on this appointment, and by the time I talked to the fourth person at the insurance company I was in tears. That might have benefited me, though, because he gave me my approval pretty quickly at that point! :) So now that's set too.

I asked my doctor about exercise, and they felt that the prenatal yoga was a good idea. I used to do 60-90 minutes of hot power yoga pretty regularly, and though I've fallen out of habit I have still gone a handful of times in the last six months and been able to jump back into the routine pretty well. As I mentioned in a previous post, the yoga I had tried was less than I desired and pretty boring. I purchased this DVD. It got mixed reviews on Am.azon, but I decided to give the short version a try. I did the half hour practice today and it was perfect. Definitely more what I'm used to, but with modifications. I could see how it would be too much for someone who is not experienced with vinyasa yoga. I'm not an expert by any means, but not a beginner either. So as an "intermediate" yogi, this DVD was perfect for me. It has a 45 minute practice as well if I want a little more, and a 15 minute one for those days when I'm just not feeling very motivated. I'm hoping this will help with both my fatigue and my anxiety, as well as helping me to have more of a schedule (I'm thinking wake up, breakfast, Ellen and then yoga. :) )and get some necessary exercise.

Based on my OB's EDD for me, I will be eleven weeks tomorrow. My warped brain wants to add "That is, if the heart is still beating..." but I'm trying to ignore that voice and just get through the next ten days until my next scheduled ultrasound. I do know that if I need to, I can go in to see my OB, but I feel like each visit causes such a level of anxiety that I need to find a happy medium- enough visits to keep me assured but not so many that I'm having regular panic attacks, if that makes sense.

Finally, I wanted to share what my adorable husband told me. The day after my appointment, he came home from work. He said hello to the dogs, as usual, and then to me. Then he came over, put his hand on my stomach and said "Hello little person!" He told me that he's decided to be positive about this pregnancy. That if something goes wrong, it's going to suck either way, but that if all goes well, he doesn't want to look back and feel like we didn't enjoy and appreciate the pregnancy. He told me he thought I should think that way too, but he realizes that my "brain doesn't work that way."

I'm glad he is taking that role. As much as I agree with him, I just am not ready yet. Somehow I feel like getting bad news when unprepared for it is harder than when I am. I'm not sure that make sense, as my way is definitely harder along the way... *sigh* Probably something to discuss in therapy!!!