Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Baby steps

KB was out of town for two weeks. Tomorrow, III and I leave for a week's vacation. So she and I had to squeeze in a visit in between our vacations.

But KB is always busy. So she squeezed me in. Two hours of shopping this weekend.

While at the mall, she insisted we go into Mother.hood Mat.ernity. I have bought some clothes online (since my "real" clothes either don't fit or fit uncomfortably) but had only one kind of uncomfortable foray into a maternity store. (It was actually a baby G.ap with a couple of racks of maternity clothing in the back.)

So we looked at the stuff and I tried a few things on... I ended up just buying two t-shirts and two tank tops.

It felt a little weird to be in that shop, but I was doing okay. Even when I got to the register and the cashier asked for my due date. But then she asked me "would you like to receive coupons for the baby and free gifts like diapers and formula in the mail?" And I froze. KB answered for me "Yes, she does." Then I was asked whether I wanted a free issue of Parenting Magazine and I quickly said "NO."

Things have been going well. I just heard the heartbeat again today and it was strong. I'm getting fatter. Even my anxiety has let up a bit. (Clearly my doctor was right about increasing my Pro.zac dose.) Everything is how it should be.

But that voice is still there. Quiet now, but still in the back of my head... I imagine it behind my right ear, near that little hollow where my neck tendon connects to my skull. "A baby is a long ways away. A lot can still go wrong. What if there is no baby in September?" I am trying to stay positive and even have days that I'm excited... but imagining the worst happening and then getting an issue of Parenting Magazine every month... I just couldn't go there.

I guess it's all about baby steps... which I suppose is fitting in this situation.


Anonymous said...

You are doing great! I can already sense some calm within you. Take care...

Jamie said...

Keeping you in my thoughts!

It may not mean much, but from my perspective, you definitely do seem less anxious.