Thursday, March 3, 2011


I've been meaning to post, but I've been having a rough week.

Don't worry. Everything is okay.

My anxiety is still been pretty overwhelming. I don't think I even really realized it until yesterday when I met for my psychopharm followup with Dr. F. In her words, I am "still in a lot of distress." I'm not having panic attacks- the klonopin has really helped with that. And when I say that, I mean just having the klonopin. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've taken it (and half of those times I only took half of a tablet), but just knowing I have it if I need it helps. If you have ever had anxiety issues, you know that the prospect of having an anxiety or panic attack can cause an anxiety or panic attack in itself. It's reassuring to know I have a tool I can use if I need to, and just knowing that makes it so often I don't need to.

But the ongoing, underlying anxiety is taxing. I am tired of being scared. I wish I could take it away, but that's not a reasonable expectation. But Dr. F says I am still in more 'distress' than is normal or healthy, so she increased my prozac dosage just a bit. I don't have a problem with taking the slightly higher dose, I'm just feeling skeptical about whether it will work. Unfortunately, as with many SSRIs, it can take up to a month to know for sure if it is working.

In the meantime, I've been having brown spotting for the last four days, so that's just awesome for my anxiety. III and I had sex on Saturday, so that is likely the cause. I had a heartbeat scan on Monday (more on that in a minute) and also spoke with my nurse (I have seen and spoken with this nurse, MJ, so often now I am thinking of her as "mine") on Wednesday. She said not to worry unless the bleeding is red and heavy enough that it "saturates a pad". They told me I could come in, but I had my appointment with Dr. F so I told her I'd call today if I still felt like I needed to. I have an appointment with my OB on Monday anyway, so...

During my heartbeat scan on Monday, it took over two minutes to find the heartbeat. F R E A K I N G O U T. But she found it. My first hb scan, she found it way down by my pubic bone. Last week, it was a little further up and to the left. This week, right below my belly button. MJ and I agreed that this baby is going to be a little shit- just like daddy, I guess!

Yeah, III has been a shit for the last week. I don't know what the hell his problem is, but you'd think he was the one with the pregnancy hormones giving him mood swings. Last night he went to bed before me and fell right to sleep, and when I got into bed I just wanted to punch him in the face. If it wouldn't make it worse, I would have woken him up to make him listen to why I was mad. But I didn't. Today, I cleaned up the whole downstairs (with the exception of vacuuming). So he better fucking be in a good mood, or we're going to have a serious problem. Especially if all he mentions is that I didn't vacuum.

Oh, and we told our parents. But I'll have to save that for another post.


Anonymous said...

The sentence "So he better fucking be in a good mood, or we're going to have a serious problem." made me laugh out loud. I've felt that way more than once. Haha.


"Jay" said...

I'm glad so far so good. Hopefully increasing the Prozac will help too! I'm so glad they are monitoring you frequently, and hopefully the anxiety will get a little better for you soon.

Eb 40+ said...

punch him the face anyway - hey your preggers - you can do whatever you want!!!!

Hope the SSRI's kick in asap. I so know the anxiety of anxiety. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

Ugh...that would be so scary to experience the tech having difficulty finding the hb...on top of brown spotting! REALLY hope you find some anxiety relief ASAP!!