Clearly, I have much more to say today...

...because this post is much longer than yesterday's.

B-dog has her last treatment today. This is nice because when she has treatment I have to leave the house at 6am and drive in the opposite direction that I would drive to go to work. I do love having her in the car though. She loves to sit next to me, and as long as we're driving she's super calm. If I pet her or scratch her chin, she is so happy and just leans into me. I just love that dog so damn much. M-dog has been super cuddly lately too. He comes over and puts his head in my lap so that I will rub his ears. In the mornings, he comes and lays on the rug in the bathroom while I do my makeup so he can be close by. I'm so in love with my dogs!

My neighbors, on the other hand, suck. Not all of them- just one in particular. We live at a T-intersection. We live at the top of the T, and this neighbor lives along the vertical part of the T, (does that make sense?), two houses away. There is some discussion around the neighborhood about whether he is a 'user'. III has some concerns about that as well, because of some habits he appears to have. Aside from that, though...he and his high school son play catch in the street. The son throws the ball, and the dad "catches" it- except he doesn't. So the ball regularly goes into our yard. Which wouldn't be a big deal- except they've hit our cars, our porch, and set III's work car alarm off multiple times. The other day I heard a huge BANG. The dogs went nuts. I oped the door, and saw them outside. The father was retrieving the ball from our yard and then walked away without a word. I stood there in the doorway with the dogs going nuts... and he finally turned around and said "Whoops. The ball bounced." I looked at the door- there was a dent in our steel door. FINALLY they decided maybe they should throw the other way- away from our house.

But it was too late. Now, III is PISSED. In the past, when they have hit something and he's called out to ask them to be a little more careful, we haven't really gotten a positive response. (We actually don't get much of a response... more of a "yeah, yeah...") He knew there was a good chance he would lose his temper if he went over there, especially if the dad was rude or dismissive. So yesterday, while working on a case with the local police, he spoke to them about what they thought he should do. Apparently, our town has some sort of community outreach at the PD that helps with neighbor disputes. So he called the outreach, told them who he was, and explained the situation. So I guess they are going to talk to our neighbor. I'm a little wary... I understand why he didn't want to go over there, but I kind of feel like if the PD came knocking on our door about a situation like that, I'd wonder why the person didn't just come talk to me themselves. III is trying to avoid issues with the neighbor, but hopefully this solution doesn't cause additional issues...

I have a beta on Monday. I've just been exhausted this week. At first, I thought it was just adjusting from being back from vacation. Then I realized- I felt like this around the same time last cycle. So while the meds don't seem to give me specific side effects while I'm taking them, they seem to change my cycle enough that a) I'm exhausted beginning about 8 dpo and b) I'm definitely crankier and moodier. I don't really get much PMS under regular circumstances, but the last two cycles I definitely have some PMS-y symptoms.

Of course, I won't know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant. If I do end up pregnant, it may be too early for anything in my body to have changed enough to eliminate those symptoms. Or it could be causing my symptoms. I'm not super optimistic that this cycle will be successful, but I do have a smidgen of hope. According to Dr. Z, there is no known reason why we shouldn't be able to get pregnant with IUI... luckily, if it doesn't work again this time, he is proactive enough to move us along to a procedure with a higher probability of success.

One more day to the weekend. Four days to beta. Thirty seven (school) days until summer break!!!

I won't mince words.

I'm really tired.

I really want summer to be here.

I really want to be pregnant.

That's all I've got today...

My not-shower gift

I recently found this blog- another fellow IF-er. I love her not-shower idea! It reminds me of that S.ex and the C.ity episode with Carrie and the shoes...

So, after posting about my art work woes yesterday, this morning I bought myself a not-shower gift.

You can click on the photo to go to the artist's online e.tsy shop.

It should go with my dining room decor perfectly. :)

Doctor stuff...

I had an appointment with Dr. Z's PA yesterday- my IUI post op appointment.

• Only one mature follicle for last IUI
• I asked if the fact that I was producing only one is a bad sign, and she said no- I am producing many small follicles, so Dr. Z has been reserved with his dosage. It just means I'm not super sensitive to the meds and need higher doses.
  
• Ok numbers (but not great) for sp.erm samples
• DNA came back (I had the wrong test. It wasn't SC.SI it was SD.FA)
• Dr. Z would like to move us up to an IVF for next cycle (if I'm not pregnant this cycle)

I talked to III and we decided to do it. I'm nervous because I feel like it's so much more involved. The PA told me that, since I didn't have any side effects on the Clo.mid or Bra.velle the previous cycles, it's unlikely I'd have major side effects from higher doses or from Lu.pron. I put a call into the nurse and left a message, but I need more details on the timeline. The way the PA explained it makes it so that my transfer may fall around the last few days of school.... this could be tricky, as the last 2 days with kids are specific activities/ceremonies. Missing them would be frowned upon (and I'd feel bad...). But I guess we have to do what we have to do...

I also called today to make an appointment with my PCP for my yearly physical. My insurance won't allow me to have a pap until July (1 year since my last) . However, my doc doesn't have any physical appointments until NOVEMBER!!! Ok, that's ridiculous. Plus, she moved her office- she's now right in the middle of downtown which is tricky, both to get to and to find parking. *sigh* I really, really, really love my doctor. I've followed her through 3 different offices. (This would be the fourth I saw her at.) I've always felt like she listens to me and takes my concerns seriously. But... this move, plus her schedule... now I'm thinking about throwing in the towel and getting a new doctor. There are two doctors at her old office (the first one I saw her at) who I liked when I saw her when my doc was on maternity leave. One of them is the doctor that my gyn (who I also love) sees as her PCP. I liked all the doctors at that office except one... I don't know... should I switch? I was going to see how my first appointment with her went, getting to her new office, but that was when I thought it was in the summer when I'd have a lot of flexibility, time wise. Now my appointment is a Tuesday in November...

Ay yai yai. What would you do?

ETA: I just called the other doctor's office... she is accepting new patients and the wait to see her for a physical is only a month...

Buying art

Even though we've been in our house for 2 1/2 years, we're still decorating.

Our dining room is still definitely a work in progress. It has definitely developed a wine theme, so I've been looking for decor that reflects that. When I was in CA last year, I saw a great painting that I thought would be wonderful for the big wall in the dining room. However, I'm terrible at making decisions on my own, especially when those decisions involve spending large amounts of money, so I skipped it.

Since then I've been looking for things that work. We found something inexpensive at Bed B.ath & Be.yond that fits well. I found these two paintings on et.sy.com that I thought would look great together on one of the shorter walls. Each canvas was square, and was a close up of a wine glass. One was a glass of white wine and one a glass of red. However, art's not cheap (and the art on et.sy is usually a pretty good deal, compared to buying art in a gallery) so, of course, I put them in my favorites list and decided to sit on it for a while.

Now they're gone. :( It seems that the artist took them off and they are no longer available. (When they sell, they stay on my favorites, listed as "SOLD". In that case, I can return to the artist's site and see what else is there- in this case I don't even remember who the artist was!)

I did find another that I liked. Something totally different... I put it on my list and am going to check with III tonight to see what he thinks of it. It's about $200, which compared to BB&B is high, but compared to what art generally costs is a good deal. I'm not sure III will agree, though...

I have a former students who is now in high school who is a phenomenal painter... maybe I could "commission" her to paint me some wine glasses...

Wedding pictures

I wanted to elope.

Well, maybe not a true elopement. I would have been happy to go to the Bahamas with III, his family and his best friend, KB, AL, and my immediate family. Unfortunately, my in-laws don't fly. That and other reasons led us to plan a standard, 100 person wedding in a hotel ballroom.

I hated all the planning. I stressed out. I couldn't wait for it to be over.

...but I loved the day. I wish I could remember every single moment off it flawlessly.

My classroom-neighbor's niece recently got engaged. She asked me about my dress and I spent half an hour on Mag.gie Sot.tero's website linking to dresses I thought she'd like.

III's cousin is getting married in September. I like perusing her wedding website and hearing about her wedding plans through my MIL.

Even my ex. It still bothers me that he's engaged (again) and their wedding draws closer and closer. I'm drawn to their wedding website. Damn internet. But I like looking at the pictures they post and am curious about their wedding. It's definitely a flaw.

All of these things make me nostalgic for planning a wedding. Which is odd considering how much I hated the planning.

Maybe it's the romance of it. The excitement. The interest of others. The anticipation.

We had a wonderful wedding. We had just the right number of guests- we were able to talk to everyone and still enjoy ourselves. I felt like a princess in my dress, with my hair and make up done. III looked so handsome in his tux (even with the divot in his head from dropping a piece of exercise equipment on it the previous day). We danced our asses off and neither of us could stop smiling all night long.

I love wedding pictures. Even those of people I don't know. Yesterday I teared up watching a clip from some girl's wedding on Say Yes To the Dress. LOL

So I've been looking at our pictures. The albums I worked so hard on. The pictures we have online. I was disappointed with my photographer for a number of reasons, but he got enough good shots for me to make an album. Plus, I had hundreds of shots from friends and family that they uploaded onto kodakgallery for me.

It's hard to look objectively- to see them as just wedding pictures. To look for the romance and the joy. I'm analyzing my hair, and my makeup (both artists did an amazing job...). Looking at how much thinner I was. Seeing III's divot...

But I love looking. I love remembering that day. I like to remind myself that it was mine. Mine and III's. We had a beautiful day and have beautiful memories of it. And now we have a beautiful life- really we do. There are things we still want. There are days that are hard. But we've got it pretty good over here. I've got it pretty good. What a lucky girl I am. :)

Major meltdown

Last night. I had one.

I'm a little embarrassed by my behavior, but it turned out for the best- stuff got out in the open and I think we both feel better.

I discovered last night that I have this unconscious passive aggressive thing... a light, innocent conversation draws pointed questions from me that can turn into more heated discussions. Not an attractive quality.

Anyway, to explain the whole thing would be a very long post. And I'm long winded to start with! I'll try to pare it down.

We went to dinner last night at a place we enjoy when there is good weather. They have a patio so we can sit outside. We had to wait for a table because it was so nice out, but it was worth the wait. We got a corner one near the creek and flowers.

We were talking about dates we'd had before we met... III was telling me about this one girl and stuff she did that turned him off... which led to discussing our first dates... and from there I don't know how it veered into current issues.

It got tense when we started talking about chores around the house and I told III I felt like he noticed when I didn't do stuff more than when I did do stuff. I said "Have you even noticed that I've been trying to be better and doing the dishes every day before you come home?" He said yes, and I said "No, you haven't." He stated he'd rather not discuss this in public at dinner. I said going out to dinner is the only time we sit down and turn our full attention to each other.

In the car he said "I'm sorry if you feel like I don't notice what you do around the house, but it's frustrating for me. It's like a big joke that I'm cleaner than you, but then I'm always doing stuff around the house- picking up poop and straightening up messes-" This is where I burst into tears and had my meltdown.

"I do a lot around the house too, and it seems like that doesn't even count! Then you come home in a bad mood every day and I don't know if it's work related or something that I have done (or not done) and you don't tell me! I just feel like everything SUCKS right now! I hate my job, you're always in a bad mood, I'm NOT getting pregnant even though I'm sticking myself daily with needles, and you don't pay attention to me or even notice that I feel like shit! I feel like I'm a bad wife but I'm never going to be able to do things the way you want me to." Then with a sob I added: "And my dog is dying!"

That shut him up pretty quickly. I sobbed the whole way home. And after we got home. He came over and hugged me and then pulled me over to sit on the couch. I told him "Housework-wise, I will never be the wife you want me to be."

He told me he was sorry that he's crabby so much. He said that, growing up as an only child and then living by himself for so long, he didn't think about how his mood would affect mine. That when he comes home and is in a bad mood and crabby and moody, he didn't think about how that would make me feel. He said that he knows he's a little OCD and that a lot of the stuff he gets irritated about around the house are such little things. That he loves me and he knows I have a hard job too, and that I do stuff for us that is important. He said "In terms of the pregnancy stuff, it's frustrating but we're doing everything we can do at this point. What I have to do each month isn't a big deal, and a lot of it is out of our control." And again, that he is sorry. I apologized too, but he said "you don't have anything to apologize for..." I was so worn out at that point I couldn't even put into words what I was sorry for, so I just went to bed.

This morning I cuddled up to him on the couch and told him, as I said in the beginning of this post, that it seems I was unconsciously passive-aggressive in the way I approached the conversation. I told him it's little things at the time that they happen, and then they build up but I'm not sure how or when to bring it up. And that I was sorry for the way I did it, because that wasn't fair either. He said it was okay, that it was good that it came out, and that he needs to pay closer attention to how his actions affect our household.

So all-in-all I guess it turned out to be a good thing. He hates when I cry, so in some ways I guess it's good that I'm a crier. It de-escalates the situation more quickly than if we were just arguing. And it's my genuine response, so I don't feel like I'm manipulating him with my tears. Unfortunately, it also makes it more difficult to think straight and formulate my thoughts, and leaves me stuffy and swollen for the rest of the night...

III also told me last night that he's joining a softball league with one of his coworkers that plays on Sunday evenings. He and his coworker are the only LEOs on the team, and it's the next town over. While that is usually 'us' time, I'm glad. It will be a physical outlet for him, and also hopefully help him to meet some people outside of work. I hope that will help him, as it's something to focus on that's not us and not work. I think he really needs that and it hopefully it will help him to unwind.

Vacation week coming to an end...

Today has been my last day of vacation. Okay, so that's not totally accurate. I still have the whole weekend before I have to go back to work. But it's my last day off that I would usually be at work.

I didn't get as much done as I'd hoped, but I did do some stuff. B-dog had blood work. I exchanged our broken cable box. I finished the start of a "family album". (It looks pretty good, if I do say so myself...) I made lemon chicken rice soup. Today was gorgeous out, so I hung out outside with the dogs and read a book. I didn't read nearly enough this break. I watched far too much tv. I took naps. ahhhh.

I'm just trying not to think about how I have to go back to work in two days. *sigh* I know I shouldn't complain- how many people get a scheduled week off in the middle of April? But I just need this year to be over. a good thing about being a middle school teacher is you get to start over in September.

Forty-one school days left until summer break. Two weeks until our state testing. So I'm hoping the next two weeks will be easy (test prep) and then I have a unit I often do at the end of the year. I have a final project for the last few weeks, but I have to decide if this group can handle it... I'm not convinced...

We're supposed to have great weather this weekend so I'm hoping III and I can do something outside. Maybe go into the city.

Happy weekend!

A photo essay.

Common sites around our house, these days...
If I had known for how long I'd be taking these, I would have bought in bulk...

And III's favorite...I'm sure plenty of you can relate...

Maybe I'm a weirdo...

I've spent the last two days with little kids. Yesterday, KB and I went to her friend's house to hang out. M was there and KB's friend's 2 kids, who are 2.5 and 1. We played with the alphabet puzzle.

Today, KB and I took M to the Children's Museum. How fun! M loved it there. She's 2 years, 3 months and is really starting to become such a little person. She's talking so much. She knows who I am and knows my name. She's so smart. She figured out my i.Pod T.ouch in about ten seconds. I love her like she was related to me by blood. I guess it makes sense, since KB feels more like a sister to me than my own sister.

One would think that this sort of thing would be too hard for me. I don't know if I'm just weird. Or maybe I'm just not "there" yet. But I just... I love kids. I love to be around kids. I definitely have that pang in my chest: "I want one!" And it's really hard to watch the parents who do things that I feel are... not ideal. Judgemental, I know. I recognize it's hard to do day to day... but it's how I feel.

Anyway. I enjoyed my "baby time". It's so frustrating to be going through all of this infertility stuff, but when I bury my face in M's hair and kiss her neck, or when she walks up to me and grabs a hold of my hand and says "Come on, A!"... well, it's the next best thing.

Still whining...

Thanks for the comments on the last post. I don't like to be a whiner, but I'm feeling whiny.

2nd IUI for this cycle today. Numbers weren't great either day. Oh well. Poor III. He sent me a text this morning after the drop off. "I don't think I gave good spooj today. It was a rough go this am." LOL. He's so eloquent. When I got there they told me it wasn't the best ever, but not the worst we've had. About 4 million total motile.

Anyway. On top of that I'm having some nether-regions issues. Some pain and discomfort. I don't know if it's related to the IUI or not. More likely, it's from one of two completely ttc-unrelated things. It could be from the hsv. I haven't had an outbreak in a very long time (I'm on suppressive meds for it). But I tend to get some nerve pains when I am getting one/have one/just got over one. Annoying. More likely, it's hemorrhoid related. Yeah, fun stuff... I've never been pregnant, but I still get the joy of hemorrhoids. Woo hoo! Even better, they tend to be internal. And joined by "fissures". So the result is nerve-like pains through my whole downstairs region.

So today I'm extra crabby. I am, however, on vacation for a week. So I can hang around and mope... I do have to make sure to do the dishes, so when III comes home he doesn't look at the sink and think "What did she do with her whole day?" At least then it looks like I did something...

Alone.

Today I am feeling sorry for myself.

Today I am feeling like no one understands.

Probably ridiculous.

I actually have an IRL friend who went through ART. She had something like 5 IVFs before she conceived her son.

A former coworker, with whom I'm still in touch, easily conceived her first baby. When they decided to try for a second, she conceived quickly but then miscarried. Even though she hasn't dealt with IF, that gave her new insight into how it might feel to have trouble conceiving. So she's been very concerned and sympathetic towards me.

KB has been great. I can't imagine a friend who hasn't been through the process being any more understanding and empathetic.

I have connected with some wonderful, strong women who have similar blogs, because they too are going through this crazy process, trying to be moms.

And obviously my husband is dealing with this too.

But today I feel like I'm by myself. No one has been through the exact same thing I have. 18 months TTC. HSG and EMB. Blood tests. 2 SAs. Unexplained infertility. Countless ultrasounds and blood draws. Ten strangers in the last six months who have been up in my *ahem* 'business'. 5 medicated cycles, four of them IUI (to date). 4 negative betas. That exact story is mine.

We are each in different situations. Some have been married for years, some for a short time. Some have close, involved families, others share little with those closest to them. Some have step children, some adopted children, some no children yet. Some have been dealing with infertility for years, others are new to the process.

None of our experiences are exactly the same. I feel guilty some days for feeling so despondent when I read other women's experiences of failed IVFs, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, OHSS, low ovarian reserve, severe MFI, unresponsive clinics... Those who have exhausted their options, whether by medical necessity, financial necessity or emotional necessity. Things I have not had to deal with...

So today I feel like no one can understand how I feel. That I am alone with my uncertainty, frustration and confusion.

So discouraged.

I had bw and u/s today and I still only have one follicle. :( WTF? I'm so discouraged. Why isn't this working for me???

They just called and want us to do IUI tomorrow and Monday. III is not going to be thrilled about having to "produce" a sample while AL is here. Wonder if he'd rather do it at the clinic... It also messes with our breakfast plans. I mean, KB and family can still come but my appt is at 9:20.

My friends who are the people I talk to about this mostly are KB and Sra. Both of them are like "Why haven't they gone to IVF yet???" The reason has to do with insurance, BUT to be perfectly honest I'm not super psyched to get to IVF. I DO want to have a baby, but IVF is so much more difficult and involved. I was just really hoping this IUI thing would work. :(

A little bit of this, a little bit of that...

• I am very excited for Emily! I was waiting all morning for her update and almost jumped out of my chair when I saw the results!
• Today is my last day before a week's vacation. I never thought it would get here... I'm looking forward to doing NOTHING for a week.
• I got my ears pierced in February- a tragus piercing and a anti-helix piercing. (Neither of those is my ear...) They were both pierced with a ring, but the ring, while easier to clean, were irritating when I slept. I changed to anti-helix last week to a barbell because I was worried it was rejecting. It went well, so I decided to change the tragus yesterday. Yikes. Apparently, the thicker cartilage poses more of a problem. Not only did it take me about 45 minutes, and not only did it HURT, but there was a lot of blood. Ugh. I finally got it done though, so hopefully it will heal okay and be more comfortable than the ring.
  
• My cousin, AL, is coming to visit this weekend. I feel bad because I'm not as excited as I feel like I should be. We used to be really close, but she's had a really hard time to adjusting to me being married. She told me shortly after my wedding that she didn't like III because he wasn't "friendly" enough to her. She couldn't understand the difference between New Yorkers and Midwesterners... There is definitely a culture difference... So I'm nervous about her visit. I love her to death, but sometimes she can be difficult.
• Part of AL's visit is a girls' night out with KB. That part I'm excited for... While getting married has definitely drove a bit of a wedge between AL and I, I think it brought KB and I closer together. I haven't seen nearly enough of her lately, and am excited to see her tomorrow. We also plan to go to the Children's Museum with her daughter on Tuesday and I'm excited for that too. I need some baby-time. (Though M is 2 now, and no longer a baby...)
  
• First u/s of the cycle was yesterday (CD8). Once again, the tech told me there was only one measurable follicle, this time on the left. When I looked at my results on the portal, though, there was an 8.5 mm on the right, so hopefully over the next few days that one will mature too. I had a bunch of small ones on both sides, though I did last month too. They had me continue 225ius of B.ravelle for 2 days and I have another u/s on Saturday morning. Hoping that our first IUI will NOT be on Sunday, because KB and her family are supposed to come over for breakfast with III, AL and I... plus, I think III would be very nervous producing a 'sample' while AL is there.
• It was proven yesterday that SS is just really that clueless. A whole group of us were socializing in my neighbor's classroom, and I was talking to an aide from my class. SS came in and was talking to my neighbor, and neighbor commented on SS's growing belly. SS said "Oh, I can show you our recent u/s pic) and neighbor said "Not right now. I'll look later," and must have looked towards me or pointed to me (I was still talking to the aide, but listening to this convo too). SS said "Oh, she's already seen it!" but neighbor must have done something or given a look, because the u/s pics were not pulled out. I guess she just doesn't understand why it might be difficult for me. She reads lots of blogs, and I know that some of them are people who are having trouble ttc. But I guess she just can't apply that to me. In all fairness, I still haven't said anything to her myself. *sigh* I guess it's all complicated. I'm looking forward to a week "off" from her...
• I'm super, super excited that spring is here. The only problem is, it's like 40 in the morning and 70 in the afternoon- makes it hard to dress for the day!!! I see buds continuing to develop on my trees, bushes, and flowers. Can't wait!!!
• Happy weekend!!!
  

Sibling rivalry

I have one sister. She is seventeen months younger than me and we couldn't be more different.

I also believe that my parents treated us very differently. As a teacher, I understand that "fair" doesn't always mean "the same." However, IMO this kind of spiraled out of control in my family.

This morning, when I looked at my face.book account, my sister's status said "[sister] had fun using W.ii Fit. Thanks mom, for the early birthday present."

I am thirty three years old. This should not bother me. I feel childish because it does.

But my birthday was in December. My mom called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday and then told me she didn't know what to get me.

A week later when I talked to her, she said she had gotten me "something small" but needed something else. I told her that I really wanted to buy an i.Pod T.ouch but wasn't sure I wanted to spend that much. I told her if she wanted to, she could send me a gift certificate that I could use towards the i.Pod.

The first week of February, I spoke to her again. She hadn't "gotten around" to it yet. I wanted to have the i.Pod when I went on vacation, so I told her that if she still wanted to contribute towards it she should send a check. She never did.

Now, I am aware that there is no rule that says my mom has to buy me birthday presents. In fact, I was even uncomfortable suggesting she send me a check. But she did ask me what she should give me.

I don't know if she really did buy my sister the W.ii Fit or if it is a similar situation- she said she'd send her money for it. And if it is that situation, it's possible she hasn't sent the money. But I know my sister, and she WILL continue to ask.

This is just one of many situations (often around money, but not always) that just makes me nuts with my family.

There are so many I could list here.
How my sister would call when she was in college and cry to my parents that she couldn't pay off her credit card, so they'd send her money. Meanwhile, I never asked them to send me money and was working three jobs to buy my class texts.
How my sister hated her job and would call my parents crying, so they told her to quit and sent her money to help her while she was unemployed for five months. I never would have considered quitting a job without another lined up. My first year of teaching was terrible. Every day I would call my boyfriend and cry "What if I can't find another job! I'll have to do this for another year!!!"
How my parents paid for my sister's entire wedding. Five years later, as I was planning mine, they told me "We aren't going to be able to help you out at all, money wise." This bothers me more than it should, because we likely wouldn't have taken money from them anyway. We wanted control over the wedding decisions. But it's the principle of the thing! In all fairness, they did make our invitations (they did my sister's too) and, when my mom visited me six months after our wedding, they ended up buying us a dining room hutch as a wedding gift. But they planned and paid for the entire wedding for my sister.

My sister is one of those people who is able to make everyone else miserable if she does not like how things are going. This is something even my parents will admit to. Because of this, my parents tend to give in to my sister more easily than they do to me. And even in my thirties, it grates on me.

My sister's version of the story is very different, I'm sure. When we were both visiting last summer, we were talking about my uncle's HS competitiveness with my dad and how he continued to stew about it over the last forty years. My sister started talking about how she always felt competitive with me when we were kids (really? I didn't participate in this competition...) and how it was the "cause of her depression" when she was 25.

Blah. I'm totally not explaining this well, and am probably coming off like a totally insensitive bitch. (Well, I guess I need to live up to my blog title...) But when she said that, my dad, who "sides" with her and stands up for her almost all of the time, refuted this. "I don't think it caused your depression. It may have been one contributing factor..."

Because of her feelings of competitiveness (I'm projecting), she's done many of the things my parents wanted both of us to do- things I didn't. She joined the teams my dad wanted us to join. She went to the college they encouraged both of us to go to (the same one they graduated from). She is much more religiously observant than I am. She got married at 24. She had a baby at 29.

My parents, especially my dad, tell me that this is in all my head. They tell me that I have little patience for my sister and am judgemental towards her. And maybe I am. But I have to say, I feel strongly that their behavior towards her has fueled this.

I had my feelings and opinions about my sister validated a bit last summer. When we were visiting, III got to interact with my sister (and see how she interacts with my family) for himself for the first time. He had obviously heard what I had to say about her, but one thing that I really respect about III is he tells me what he thinks, even if it disagrees with my opinions.

He was shocked at the difference in how my parents interacted with me and with my sister. He expressed that he found my sister difficult- that she acted spoiled and was attention seeking. It made me feel like I'm not totally off base. If someone else feels this way after observing my sister, even after a short time, then there must be some basis for my feelings towards her.

I don't expect this to change. My therapist has suggested that I talk to my parents about this, but when I have approached it in the past the reaction, especially from my dad, has not been good. He gets very defensive. This summer when it came up, he threw a holy fit and basically denied a lot of stuff that I know for a fact happened. It's like he has selective memory around some things.

So apparently this is just something I will have to deal with in the years to come. My dad hasn't been to visit me since my wedding. He's never met my dog, because she was at the sitter when we got married, and the last time he was here before that was before I got B-dog. I've had her for four years this June. They have visited my sister multiple times in those years. Part of that is because I tend to make visiting them a priority, while my sister tells them they can't afford the tickets. Part of that recently is because she has a son. I can't help wondering how (or if) it will change once we have kids...

Ultimately, as much as this irritates me, I would rather be me than be her. I am very independent and responsible, and a big part of why is likely my parents expectations of me, and the money issues (ie: not having any money) I had in early adulthood. While there were many difficult times because of those things, I wouldn't trade them for anything because they helped me develop characteristics and strategies that I am proud of and that have gotten me where I am today.

More perspective...

Three years today, III proposed. Happy proposal-versary to me. :)

If you read my blog regularly, you may know that perspective is a big thing for me. In fact, just the other day one of my friends told me that when she is in a situation that is upsetting her, it's like she has my voice in her ear encouraging her to look at others' perspectives in the situation.

IF sucks. Big time. And it's a big deal- whether or not we'll have kids. Life changing. But a number of things this week have definitely given me some perspective.

I don't know this family, but my heart breaks for them. I can't imagine their pain. Last night I read Maddie's father's words, and it brought tears to my eyes. No one should lose their child. And to know that this is a family who struggled with infertility makes and infinitely sad situation even more so, if that's possible.

I read this article today (after I wrote this post, so now I'm adding to it...). I recently became an organ donor. I have mixed feelings about it, but that's mostly related to my own issues and fears about dying. If I was dying of some sort of disease that could be remedied by getting a transplant, you can bet I'd be happy that others are donors.

One of the women who works on my team was diagnosed this year with ALS. Advanced, rapidly progressing, ALS. I think about how hard it is for me to think about, for example, next Christmas, and know it's quite possible B-dog won't be with me anymore. I can't imagine what it's like to know, as her daughter does, that next Christmas my MOM wouldn't be with me anymore. Or to know that I wouldn't be here. Despite all of this, she still is making an attempt to come to work as often as possible. Sadly, today she came to work, only to find that she couldn't handle being here. I went into the office to discover her colleagues trying to arrange a way to get her down the stairs, into a car, and home. This is a very private, stoic woman, who now has to rely on help from others. Who was in tears at her work place today. Who knows she is going to die, and it is going to be sooner rather than later. Who knows that her struggle, even if it is short, is going to be terrible before her death. So, so sad.

It is a wonder to me that we all make it through all of this. Life is so uncertain. It scares me immensely to think that B-dog will die, my parents will die, III will die, I will die. I continue to be afraid that we won't be able to have children, but if we are, new fears replace the old. Not the least being, they, too, will die! Obvious, I know. But to me so, so scary. I don't know how I would deal with each of these situations. I often feel like I couldn't deal. But you do. They do. I would.

I didn't mean for this post to get so morbid. I meant for it to be about being happy for what I do have. A lovely home. Financial security. My health. My family. My friends. My dogs. My loving, wonderful husband.

So, today's quotable:

Scared.

After a lovely weekend of friends and fun I was finally feeling content. Then, Monday morning, I walked into work and it just hit me- ugh. It's too bad I'm not enjoying my job this year. I saw two former students this morning and remembered that I have loved my job before. Maybe it's just a bad year. :(

On top of that, I got scared last night. Scared enough that I had trouble falling asleep. Scared that we won't be able to have a baby. Scared that whatever is wrong is not fixable. I hate this.

III had another SA. His numbers for our IUIs have been inconsistent. Also, Dr. Z wants him to have a SC.SA test. Having so much info on the internet can be helpful, but it also can be emotionally detrimental to someone like me. Reading about it last night scared me. What if he has the DNA fragmentation? Dr. Z said we'd go straight to IVF. By when will we know? We're already into this cycle. I'm on CD 6 with 3 days of injections under my belt. (well, above it actually...) I'm praying for a <15%.

For those who are interested... his baseline numbers:

Sperm Concentration 20 million/ml
Total Sperm Count 104 million
Sperm Motility 50 %
Rate of Progression 3
Semen Color Clear
Volume 5.2 ml
Viscosity none
pH 7.8
Round Cells 0 million/ml
Liquefaction Complete
Total # of Motile Sperm 52 million
% Normal Forms 2 %
% Head Defects 92 %
% Tail Defects 6 %

And last week's numbers:

Sperm Concentration 9 million/ml
Total Sperm Count 47.7 million
Sperm Motility 44 %
Rate of Progression 3
Semen Color Clear
Volume 5.3 ml
Viscosity none
pH 7.8
Round Cells 0 million/ml
Liquefaction Complete
Total # of Motile Sperm 21 million
% Normal Forms 2 %
% Head Defects 81 %
% Tail Defects 17 %

There is clearly a morphology issue, but at our first meeting post baseline SA, Dr. Z said that it wasn't a concern because the count was plenty high. I wonder if that analysis will change since the last SA.

Our IUI numbers have been all over the place, from 2.4 million total motile sperm this last IUI (the first day, when motility was only like 9%) to 12.1 total motile sperm at our first January IUI. My understanding is they like anything above 5 million. (Our last two IUIs were both below 5...)(I'm such a math teacher... six IUIs, median=6.2, range= 9.7. ha ha ha.)

Anyway... needing one of these today....
Oh, I hope so. :(

"Books and friends should be few but good."

I don't know if I agree about the books part of that proverb (I like my books to be good, but as for them being few...?), but I realized this weekend that the friends part definitely applies to me.

Yesterday, KB and I had a girls' afternoon at lunch and a performance of Dirty Dancing. (Anyone else see this? It's just like the movie- a little cheesy to tell the truth, but I love stage musicals... I even teared up a bit during "I've Had the Time of My Life". LOL. Such a sap...) I wish I saw her more, but I love her. She's in my top 5 people who I love the most. (By the way, B-dog is in the top 5 too, even though I guess she's not technically a person...)

A college friend, C, and her husband came over on Saturday night to watch hockey with us. III can be kind of shy and I think he has a bit of social anxiety. But he gets along awesomely with this friend's husband. So we always have a good time when we visit with this couple.

This friend and I used to have a mutual friend, also from our college. She is a sad case- I won't go into specifics because it's no longer important, but I decided about five years ago that her energy was just too negative. She was often not nice to me and she was rarely nice to friends of mine that were not a part of our college group. She is, however, still friends with C.

While getting ready for C's visit, I started thinking about friendship. C is one of the only remaining college friends with whom I am in regular contact. (There are 2 others with whom I keep in email contact, but they both live out of state so I rarely see them.) When I think of the people who I really would count as friends, I probably could count them on my fingers. At one time in my life, this may have made me sad, but now it makes me happy. I have lots of acquaintances and casual friends, but as for those who are really friends, I prefer to have "few but good". Every person who makes that list is someone who I enjoy being around, trust, and love. Life's too short for it to be otherwise.

ETA: In honor of Caroline, I'm going to try to periodically (daily? Maybe too ambitious) post quotes. One of my favorite sites (and where I buy a lot of my greeting cards) is the Quot.able site. That's where I get a lot of my quotes...

So today's quote, for Caroline (and a lot of us who need it...)

Oh, the ups and downs.

While not surprised, I was disappointed by my negative beta on Monday.

Yesterday, I was pleased to get my period. Since I knew I wasn't pregnant, I was glad to get it sooner rather than later to start a new cycle. I wasn't expecting it until Saturday, so it came a few days early. (But, because of the trigger, my LP was still 14+.)

Today, an old coworker was visiting from out of town. With him he brought the news that his wife is pregnant. Once again, happy for them, sad for me. They were married the summer after I was, and when they left town last summer they weren't yet "ready" for kids.

Why does it feel like everyone except me can get pregnant so easily? (I know it's not actually true, but often that is how it feels.) :-(

In other news, B-dog has treatment today. She's still doing well and this is her second to last round of chemo. Happy that she's almost done and still doing awesomely. Nervous that when she is done, we are that much closer to the lymphoma coming back. Not really a rational thought, since each day you are closer to everything that is going to happen, good and bad. And we don't know if the lymphoma will return in three weeks, three months, or three years... but the fear is there all the same. I continue to wonder what I will do without her and hate knowing that the day will come that I will be without her. (It even makes me a little dizzy to type that...) Is it healthy to be this attached to a pet???

No school tomorrow, so it's like Friday for me! I'm taking advantage of my day off to get some grooming done- the dogs are going to The Dog House for baths and teeth cleaning, and I'm off (NOT to The Dog House) to get my eyebrows waxed, and a mani-pedi. I'm also thinking of shopping for some house wares (our fancy, expensive mattress is too hard for my liking- I need one of those foam egg crate thingies...) and an Easter basket for III. I'm also looking forward to Sunday- KB and I are going to see Dirty Dancing on stage in the city!

Happy weekend!

You've gotta have faith...

One of the differences that always strike me during a visit with the in-laws is the religious and faith based differences we have.

When B-dog got sick, I was concerned that III's mom would be pissed about the amount of money we were spending on her treatment. Last year, their dog was having some sort of kidney problem. It was speculated she may need surgery to fix it, and MIL told me "Which we wouldn't do because a dog doesn't have a soul, so it wouldn't be fair to the dog."**

This visit, we were in the car discussing their Saturday afternoon trip to one of the local Cath.olic churches. The ILs and III were discussing how OLD everyone was at the service (Well... it was a Saturday at 4pm...). FIL says "The only religion that attracts young people nowadays is Mus.lims and then they brainwash them into blowing people up." Oh, geez. So I make the mistake of piping in: "There are quite a few young families at my school that belong to Uni.tarian churches." FIL questions what Uni.tarians believe and MIL explains, "Oh, they don't believe in anything. That's why young people like it. Uni.tarians don't have any rules." Double geez.

There, it seems, is the difference between my ILs and me. They see religion as a bunch of rules God gives you to follow. I see religion as how one feels spiritually. While Uni.tarian churches don't have a specific teaching in terms of rules and telling you what to believe, I do respect that they teach kids (at least the ones that my students attend) that religion is very personal and it is important to believe what you believe while respecting what others believe.

I was raised Jewish. Growing up, my family belonged to a reform synagogue. My dad was raised Jewish and my mom converted before I was born. I went to religious school every Sunday for 10 years and Hebrew school every Wednesday for five. My parents both taught religious school at our synagogue. I assisted in the younger religious school classes when in school myself, and I taught religious school for 3 years when I was in college. I had a bat mitzvah. I was super active in my temple youth group (which included a lot of social action). I traveled to Israel where I was in a school program for 2 months.

My college boyfriend was not Jewish, and neither is my husband. Throughout the years, I've had a lot of ups and downs regarding my beliefs. I am very rational minded and like to have proof of things. I loved when I was in Israel and it was explained that there is actually archaeological proof of an earthquake at around the same time that the story of Joshua and Jericho supposedly happened. But I definitely have a spiritual side too. I really appreciate that, in Judaism, you are allowed- even encouraged- to question and I love how that allows me (especially in reform Judaism) to continue to feel spiritually confused and even ambiguous, but still identify myself as a Jew.

One place where I have really struggled is around death. I envy those who believe in a specific life-after-death. I would think it would be comforting to really believe something. My therapist asked me "Can't you just decide to believe something?" but my brain just doesn't work that way. Judaism doesn't have a super specific life-after-death theory like Christianity does. I've always thought, as someone who loses people, that I like the idea that they are somewhere watching over me. However, as someone who will die, I like the thought of reincarnation...

I started out reading a few different novels that I had heard about which had different takes on life after death. Else.where is a YA book that paints the afterlife as kind of a combination of what my two ideals are. Then I read The Brief His.tory of the Dead which is apparently based on the quote from James Loe.wen, Lies My T.eacher Told Me, “Many African societies divide humans in to three categories: those still alive on the earth, the sa.sha, and the zam.ani. The recently departed whose time on earth overlapped with people still here are the sa.sha, the living-dead. They are not wholly dead, for they still live in the memories of the living, who can call them to mind, create their likenesses in art, and bring them to life in anecdote. When the last person to know an ancestor dies, the ancestor leaves the sa.sha for the zam.ani, the dead…. Many… can be recalled by name. But they are not the living dead. There is a difference.” This was an interesting theory to me too.

Then KB recommended that I read "M.any L.ives, M.any M.asters". I did a little research and found that, while she had read it quite a while ago, it had recently been in the media again, thanks to O.prah. I read it and part of what drew me to it was that it was a sort of "proof". Yes, it was based on the word of one man, but supposedly he was recounting his experiences as a therapist and a hypnotist. Then I read "O.nly Love is R.eal" and liked that even better- it gave answers to a lot of my questions about, not only death, but relationships and connections. It suggested to me that KB is my soulmate and gave me hope that, after we died, I'd see her again, and that I'd see III again.**

Do I believe this 100%? No. But it's as close as I can get to my therapists suggestion. This is what I'd choose to believe. And these experiences of others give me just enough "proof" that I feel comfortable putting it on my lists of possibilities.

This is already quite long, but some other things that often confound me are the suggestion that things are "meant to be", and that "everything happens for a reason" and those sorts of religion based suggestions. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. But meeting III has led me to realize that good things can come out of bad.

Finally, "O.nly Love is R.eal" touches on pregnancy, miscarriage, and abortion. It is an explanation I probably can't do justice, but suggests that, while a soul is chooses (or actually, chooses) a certain body, it is not "affixed" until around or just after birth. My explanation is probably not at all helpful to anyone reading, but his explanation comforted me a bit about the process, even though I have yet to be pregnant and therefore have never had a miscarriage (or abortion). But it leaves open the possibility, though my rational mind's tendency is to pooh-pooh it, that my child has just not chosen me or chosen this time to be born yet.*

*It's a very small part of the book, but I really wish I could explain this better. I have not read his other books, so it's possible they also go into that in more depth...
**I hope to see my dog again too... she's definitely, as a friend described it, my "doggy soulmate". Also why I loved this postcard.

T minus eight days...

I'm counting down to my week off. I have Friday off because of Good Friday so there are eight days (including today, so seven wake ups) until my break. I never thought I'd be someone who would be able to stay home with my kids, but considering that each day for the last few weeks I have had an incredible urge to stay home with my dogs it seems that may someday change...

I went home yesterday and moped. It was pouring rain so the weather wasn't helping my mood. I curled up on the couch with the pups and took a nap. When III came home, he must have sensed I was feeling blue. He didn't complain that I was sitting in "his spot" on the couch. He made us dinner and then let me watch House (does anyone else watch this???? I was so upset! Poor Kutner!) and Heroes while he went up to the spare room to watch the NCAAs. Then it was bedtime... and he seduced me. So I can't really complain about that. ;-)

Thanks for all your support around the SS situation. To clarify: She does know what's going on with me. She's the person who asks really personal questions in order to stay 'in the loop' even if I don't want to share. She likes to be the person who knows stuff. She also, the second month she was trying, was devastated that she wasn't pregnant, so she should have some inkling how hard it is. I want to say to her "Remember how you felt that month? Imagine having EIGHTEEN of those months..." (or SIXTY, like our friend who tried for five years....)

I like her in general and have considered her a friend, but I've realized that she falls into the category for me as work-friend. We're not close friends and I'm by no means her at-work-outlet, if you know what I mean. She's made comments before that are not very sensitive and I just haven't figured out a way to say something. I go through a thousand ways in my head, but in the moment I never seem able to come up with the right words. Maybe she feels that turnabout is fair play- she was very upset when I got engaged, so maybe she feels like now the shoe is on the other foot? She is also the person who, the month before her own wedding, told a mutual friend "I hope A doesn't get pregnant before I do." At that point, I'd been married for more than a year and had been trying for six months, and she wasn't even married yet! That hurt my feelings but also showed me a little of her true colors...

One of my other work friends, Sra, (one who just had a baby but who is much more sensitive about things and who I want to keep 'in the loop') said yesterday that she feels like SS needs to hear from someone other than me that she needs to cool it. Sra doesn't hang out with SS at all, so it would be weird coming from her (though I know she would totally do it) but she does not think SS would react well to me telling her... And I tend to agree...

The other thing that has been on my mind the last few days is secondary infertility. I know this is a big issue in IF support groups and communities. I was talking to KB on Thursday after my doctor's appointment. She told me that her NP wanted her to have her post-op appointment (from her kidney stone procedure) with the surgeon instead of the NP because she's hoping to start trying for baby #2 this summer. The NP is concerned about this with her recent history of kidney stones and thinks a doctor should be advising her rather than a nurse.... long story short, she is concerned that it may not be advisable to have another.

I know this brings up a multitude of issues all it's own- giving your child a sibling, boy vs. girl, etc etc etc. IF sucks no matter when it happens. But at the same time, I can't help thinking... You're already a mommy! I am having trouble having even one! I'm always sensitive to perspective, and I know that I may feel differently after I (finally! hopefully!) have a baby. I know I want to have more than one child and that having to go through this again will be difficult even after I am a mommy... but the added layer of the painful question "Will I ever get to be a mommy???" just seems to sting so much...

It appears that I am in great need of a "grateful list" lately. So here it goes.

• Spring is here! My lilac bush has buds, our maple tree is flowering, and my spring bulbs have sprung. The daffodils have even bloomed! Can't wait for the tulips.

• B-dog is doing great. I love her to pieces.
• M-dog is such a love too. I am lucky to come home to my wiggle butt pups every day.
• I love my husband.
  
• I have lost 3 pounds on my new food plan this month.
• I'm wearing my smart.wool socks today. Love those. And they match my little cami perfectly. :)
  

Alright. That's all I've got for now....

Deja vu

Different nurse, same message. They must have a script...

Waiting some more...

Beta this morning. They usually call between 10 and 11. Still not feeling super hopeful, though that hasn't stopped me from checking their portal obsessively to see if that goes up before I get a call...

While there, I asked for a specimen cup so that III can do his SA. They always give you two and give them to you in a paper bag. I brought it out to the car and threw it on the seat next to my school bag and laptop case.

Got to school about seven or eight minutes later than I usually do, but it was just enough that I didn't get a parking space. Found a spot out on the street, grabbed my stuff, and started walking. Luckily I only made it about half a block before I figured out that, along with my school stuff, I was holding the paper bag containing 2 specimen cups! I turned on heel and scooted back to my car. I wasn't super comfortable having them (along with the "instructions" they give you) sitting under my desk all day....

My history...

I planned to post all day today, but I just don't have much to say.

I have yet to post my "formal" ttc history, so I guess I'll do that...

10/06 Married!
10/07 Decided to stop BCP (on our anniversary...)
2/08 "Pre conception" visit with GYN
5/08 Another visit with GYN re: mid cycle bleeding
5/08 u/s discovers small fibroid. Dr. says it has no effect on fertility.
7/08 at yearly exam, GYN refers to RE
7/08-9/08 weekly acupuncture
8/08 first RE appointment, set up fun tests
9/08 HSG, Endometrial biopsy, SA, blood tests- all "normal" Dx: Unexplained infertility.
11/08 IUI #1 w/C.lomid
12/08 Beta #1- Negative
12/08 No IUI due to holidays, still Rx C.lomid
1/09 Beta #2- Negative
1/09 IUI #2 w/C.lomid
2/09 Beta #3- Negative
2/09 On vacation during ovulation, so taking a break from meds and ART for a month
2/09-4/09 weekly acupuncture again
3/09 IUI #3, this time with B.ravelle
4/09 ...we'll see tomorrow...

Crap confirmed.

So, I had a meeting with Dr. Z yesterday, and he basically confirmed the craptasticness of this cycle. One follicle and poor sperm motility lowers our chances, especially for a couple that already isn't getting pregnant under optimal conditions. (Our first c.lomid cycle was "perfect for pregnancy".) Dr. Z made a point to say that there is still a possibility, but he was much less optimistic than the last three times I met with him.

So for next cycle, he's increasing me to 225ius per day for 5 days. This month I did two days of 150 and two days of 75 before they put me back up to 150 for 3 days.

The good thing is I got some questions answered. I came in with three:

What is the purpose of the meds: to make more eggs or higher quality eggs? The purpose is to make more eggs, with the hope some will be better quality. So that obviously hasn't happened for me with 3 of the 4 cycles, which is why he upped my FSH.

We had all the baseline testing done, but are there problems/conditions that we could have that have not been tested for? Dr. Z basically said they tested for everything that could be wrong, except for one sperm thing. There is a newish test that is done, SCSA, that looks at the sperm's dna. If it tests as over a certain amount, basically IUI is not going to work and we'd have to go straight to IVF. So he wants III to have that done. (More on that in a minute...)

If the problem is with the quality of my eggs, or if there is an issue with III's sperm, will that compromise the quality of the fetus or the health of any potential babies? The short answer to that was no.

So I was glad to get those questions thoroughly answered, but still bummed out about the slim chance of a pregnancy from this cycle. I went home, wanting to talk to III about the appointment, but when I got there his parents were already there. We did get about 5 minutes alone where I told him about the appointment, and he was annoyed that he had to do a SA again. I'm sorry. I had 8 injections, 5 acupuncture appointments, 4 u/s with the d.ildo wand, and 4 blood draws (with #5 coming up Monday), and you're upset that you have to give a sperm sample? Sucks to be you, huh?

Even with all that we have going against this cycle, I can't help but interpret every little possible symptom. I'm exhausted this week, to the point that I've had naps+early bedtimes and days that I feel like I'm not going to get through. But I might also be fighting off a cold. My boobs hurt. They never hurt when I was on c.lomid, but this is my first month on FSH so who knows how I react to that. My face is breaking out. The HSG shot tends to do that, but it's lasted longer this time. Again, maybe it's related to how I'm cycling with the FSH. I had spotting for one day around 7dpo. However, while I didn't have the spotting issues while on c.lomid, mid-cycle (post O) spotting is normal for my cycles... but usually it's the week before my period. Again, because I took FSH for the first time, I don't actually know when to expect my period. Off meds my cycles are 30 days and my LP 14 days (so O on cd17). But they had me trigger on day 11 or 12, so should I expect my period 14dpo or CD30? Or something else?

I have some in-law stories already, but I'll save those for later. I'm sure I'll gather more as the weekend goes on....

Happy Friday!

My girl.

I am definitely this person.*

It is seriously ridiculous how much I love my dog. One of my favorite feelings is having her cuddled up next to me on the couch with her head resting on some part of my body. I get such a warm feeling in my chest when I bury my face in her neck. On Tuesday night, she jumped into bed with me and when III came to bed he let her stay. I loved having her there the whole night.

She's doing so awesome. Since that terrible, terrible weekend she's like a new dog. Her first round of chemo basically put her into remission, where she's stayed for the last three months. She has two treatments left (next week and then in three weeks) and then she's done. I asked the doctor if it's possible that the chemo is just keeping the cancer at bay, and when it's over it will come right back, and she said that's unlikely. I'm so, so happy she is doing well, and I feel like the last three months have been "bonus time", of which I have made sure to take full advantage.

But as great as it feels to me when I cuddle up with her, the approach of the end of her treatment has me thinking about when the lymphoma will return. There is no way to know. It could be a month or it could be a year. Then that counters the joy I get from my interactions with her. I know I should try not to worry about this, but I can't help it- it's just my personality. (That's why I'm on pro.zac. So each thought does not turn into a full blown anxiety attack...)

My parents are planning on visiting this summer. My mom was here 2 years ago, but my dad hasn't been here since my wedding (when B-dog was with a sitter) and before that, the last time they came was before I got her. So my dad has never met my dogs. We were talking about that, and I said to him "But I don't know if she'll be around when you come this summer." That's over 3 months away, and it's scary to think that by then I may no longer have her. I understand how people say, after losing their pet, "I'll never have another..." The great joy you get from them makes the loss even more crushing... it's part of the reason we got M-dog. III calls him the "buffer". LOL. (Part of it was also as a companion for B-dog, and part of it is because, if I could, I would adopt every freaking dog off of the rescue website... I still look at their web page and III tells me "You can't have another one!")

I've always loved dogs, and I always knew I wanted a dog. But I never realize just how much I could love the dog that became my dog.

*Okay, not every one of those applies to me, but enough of them that I'm a little embarrassed...

It's only WEDNESDAY???

I'm really struggling at work lately. My attitude SUCKS. I'm fed up with the kids, I'm fed up with the parents, I'm just pretty much FED UP. This particular group of kids makes it harder. My room, and especially my desk, is a mess, but it is clearly a reflection of the state my brain is in lately. I'm tired and unmotivated and just DON'T WANNA. That pretty much sums it up. Every time I go up to the white board to teach, my mind is screaming "I DON'T WANNA!!!!" If only the parents knew... I must be faking them out, though, because I got this email this morning...

"[my daughter] loves your math class … she loves sharing stories about your class and I appreciate how you are making math fun! She takes your homework requirement very seriously and has committed to never miss a HW again as this impacted her grade in the past! You are definitely motivating her properly as she is driven and wants to succeed."

So apparently something I'm doing is working with some of the kids...

I'm just so tired and blue and don't see an end in sight. I have about two and a half weeks until I get to a week vacation, and while in reality it isn't that long, it seems like it's so far away- I feel like I don't know how I'll ever make it! Making it through Thursday and Friday of this week feels unmanageable, especially since the ILs are coming tomorrow for the whole weekend...

A friend suggested finding something that I can do for myself- a treat for myself, something I enjoy... and I can't think of anything. I feel like the thing I most want right now is to spend positive time with my husband, but with his job that's been part of what's difficult. My most common desire lately is to go back to bed, but that's not really realistic at 11am.

Am I in a funk? Can you tell? LOL. Luckily, this funky funk has glimmers of sunshine... when I got home yesterday, my pups were so excited to see me they were wiggling all over. B-dog hopped into bed with me last night and III allowed her to stay and sleep with me all night. The sentiment in the email above is always nice to hear. I've finally lost 3 pounds on the new "food plan" I have going on. And it's finally APRIL!!! Here comes spring... So I guess I'll try to hold on tightly to those sunny things in hopes of chasing away some of the dreariness...