Sunday, April 19, 2009

Alone.

Today I am feeling sorry for myself.

Today I am feeling like no one understands.

Probably ridiculous.

I actually have an IRL friend who went through ART. She had something like 5 IVFs before she conceived her son.

A former coworker, with whom I'm still in touch, easily conceived her first baby. When they decided to try for a second, she conceived quickly but then miscarried. Even though she hasn't dealt with IF, that gave her new insight into how it might feel to have trouble conceiving. So she's been very concerned and sympathetic towards me.

KB has been great. I can't imagine a friend who hasn't been through the process being any more understanding and empathetic.

I have connected with some wonderful, strong women who have similar blogs, because they too are going through this crazy process, trying to be moms.

And obviously my husband is dealing with this too.

But today I feel like I'm by myself. No one has been through the exact same thing I have. 18 months TTC. HSG and EMB. Blood tests. 2 SAs. Unexplained infertility. Countless ultrasounds and blood draws. Ten strangers in the last six months who have been up in my *ahem* 'business'. 5 medicated cycles, four of them IUI (to date). 4 negative betas. That exact story is mine.

We are each in different situations. Some have been married for years, some for a short time. Some have close, involved families, others share little with those closest to them. Some have step children, some adopted children, some no children yet. Some have been dealing with infertility for years, others are new to the process.

None of our experiences are exactly the same. I feel guilty some days for feeling so despondent when I read other women's experiences of failed IVFs, chemical pregnancies, miscarriages, OHSS, low ovarian reserve, severe MFI, unresponsive clinics... Those who have exhausted their options, whether by medical necessity, financial necessity or emotional necessity. Things I have not had to deal with...

So today I feel like no one can understand how I feel. That I am alone with my uncertainty, frustration and confusion.

3 comments:

meinsideout said...

((HUGS))

michelle said...

I get this post. I really do. We have completely different situations but I also have felt like no one really "got" my situation either. I tried for only 3 months before a blood test told me that there was no way I could get pregnant & that I had <2% chance that I would get pregnant and with that low of a percentage IVF and other fertility treatments were not an option.

Given some other medical issues (diabetes - probably also due to my childhood cancer) Egg donation was not a viable option either.

I am still figuring out what this all means to me - who I am with this news-but yeah; I understand the feeling of being alone in these struggles.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you in your journey.

Caroline said...

Hey sweetie,

I am so sorry to hear how lonely you are feeling. Although I have never been down your specific IF road, I can relate to much of what you are saying. I am here for you and thinking of you. If you would like to email me my address is caroline79@live.com.au

Take care of yourself,
Hugs
C xx