Tuesday, April 7, 2009

T minus eight days...

I'm counting down to my week off. I have Friday off because of Good Friday so there are eight days (including today, so seven wake ups) until my break. I never thought I'd be someone who would be able to stay home with my kids, but considering that each day for the last few weeks I have had an incredible urge to stay home with my dogs it seems that may someday change...

I went home yesterday and moped. It was pouring rain so the weather wasn't helping my mood. I curled up on the couch with the pups and took a nap. When III came home, he must have sensed I was feeling blue. He didn't complain that I was sitting in "his spot" on the couch. He made us dinner and then let me watch House (does anyone else watch this???? I was so upset! Poor Kutner!) and Heroes while he went up to the spare room to watch the NCAAs. Then it was bedtime... and he seduced me. So I can't really complain about that. ;-)

Thanks for all your support around the SS situation. To clarify: She does know what's going on with me. She's the person who asks really personal questions in order to stay 'in the loop' even if I don't want to share. She likes to be the person who knows stuff. She also, the second month she was trying, was devastated that she wasn't pregnant, so she should have some inkling how hard it is. I want to say to her "Remember how you felt that month? Imagine having EIGHTEEN of those months..." (or SIXTY, like our friend who tried for five years....)

I like her in general and have considered her a friend, but I've realized that she falls into the category for me as work-friend. We're not close friends and I'm by no means her at-work-outlet, if you know what I mean. She's made comments before that are not very sensitive and I just haven't figured out a way to say something. I go through a thousand ways in my head, but in the moment I never seem able to come up with the right words. Maybe she feels that turnabout is fair play- she was very upset when I got engaged, so maybe she feels like now the shoe is on the other foot? She is also the person who, the month before her own wedding, told a mutual friend "I hope A doesn't get pregnant before I do." At that point, I'd been married for more than a year and had been trying for six months, and she wasn't even married yet! That hurt my feelings but also showed me a little of her true colors...

One of my other work friends, Sra, (one who just had a baby but who is much more sensitive about things and who I want to keep 'in the loop') said yesterday that she feels like SS needs to hear from someone other than me that she needs to cool it. Sra doesn't hang out with SS at all, so it would be weird coming from her (though I know she would totally do it) but she does not think SS would react well to me telling her... And I tend to agree...

The other thing that has been on my mind the last few days is secondary infertility. I know this is a big issue in IF support groups and communities. I was talking to KB on Thursday after my doctor's appointment. She told me that her NP wanted her to have her post-op appointment (from her kidney stone procedure) with the surgeon instead of the NP because she's hoping to start trying for baby #2 this summer. The NP is concerned about this with her recent history of kidney stones and thinks a doctor should be advising her rather than a nurse.... long story short, she is concerned that it may not be advisable to have another.

I know this brings up a multitude of issues all it's own- giving your child a sibling, boy vs. girl, etc etc etc. IF sucks no matter when it happens. But at the same time, I can't help thinking... You're already a mommy! I am having trouble having even one! I'm always sensitive to perspective, and I know that I may feel differently after I (finally! hopefully!) have a baby. I know I want to have more than one child and that having to go through this again will be difficult even after I am a mommy... but the added layer of the painful question "Will I ever get to be a mommy???" just seems to sting so much...

It appears that I am in great need of a "grateful list" lately. So here it goes.
  • Spring is here! My lilac bush has buds, our maple tree is flowering, and my spring bulbs have sprung. The daffodils have even bloomed! Can't wait for the tulips.











  • B-dog is doing great. I love her to pieces.
  • M-dog is such a love too. I am lucky to come home to my wiggle butt pups every day.
  • I love my husband.
  • I have lost 3 pounds on my new food plan this month.
  • I'm wearing my smart.wool socks today. Love those. And they match my little cami perfectly. :)
Alright. That's all I've got for now....

3 comments:

meinsideout said...

congrats on the weight loss!

I hear you - I feel like a bitch but I cannot wallow with those in the secondary infertility like I can with you girls that are barren, childless and miserable like me.

As for the insensitive friend - I really hate drama at work - so I try to wait three days after I get miffed about something and if it is still important I might say something. Also - the last year has been hell due to the meds - Mr. M tries to get me to institute a no major decision or drama decision rule while I am on any drugs!

michelle said...

1. I love Smartwool socks too! Love them!

2. I love love love House and watch it every week - this week I came in to the show very late - WHAT HAPPENED TO KUTNER? I was so shocked at the ending.

michelle said...

Kutner shot himself?! When? What episode did that happen in? What was they reason they gave in the storyline for him shooting himself. Oh how awful....but great news about him going to work for Obama. I think it is hysterical that he was in Harold and Kumar and now is going to work for Obama. Quite diversified!

Thanks for filling me in!