Friday, August 28, 2009

Some kind of limbo.

Today I am 5w1d and it is one week until my u/s.

Honestly? I don't believe I'm pregnant. Not "OMG! I don't believe I'm pregnant!!!" I realized today while I was cleaning the kitchen... I don't believe that I'm pregnant.

Whatever symptoms I thought I was having were either in my head or have waned. My boobs are still huge and sore, but I also know that is a side effect that can be caused by the prog.esterone suppositories.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not doing anything like downing a bottle of wine or eating platefuls of tuna sushi. I've even stopped taking my suppressive val.trex dose. But... I don't believe I'm pregnant.

I wish there was another beta between last Sunday and next Friday. I realize it is not medically necessary; it's probably not covered by insurance. So why would they? But I have no idea where things are at. Has my hCG gone up? How does my progesterone look? Is there something growing in there???

I can't be excited. I can't be happy. Not yet. I don't know what is going on. I'm afraid something has happened. Or will happen. I've read enough blogs from IF ladies post-bfp to know that this is very normal. That we all feel this way... how can we not after all we've gone through to get here?

But I can't help it. I won't be able to get excited... to feel positive... to feel pregnant... not for at least another seven days.

5 comments:

meinsideout said...

Gah - it is so, so hard. I am not sure if you kept up with all of my neurotic posts but there were many, many, many days when I swore I was not pregnant. My symptoms would vanish. It would terrify me.

Not sure if that is reassuring or not - but symptoms come and go like crazy. One day my tatas will feel normal, the next they are so, so sore. One day I am vomiting blood, the next day, no nausea.

Do whatever you need to do to stay sane - it is really, really hard.

kirke said...

Honestly, I never really had symptoms until about 8 weeks, or so, when I started to feel sick. Don't put too much stock in symptoms. They can make a girl go crazy....

I know I said it before, but I'm just so happy for you!!!

michelle said...

I am sure the waiting is impossibly hard! Just remember to *breathe* it will not only help relax you but it will also breathe life into you and into your pregnancy.

I am rooting for smoothness and happiness these next days until your next appointment.

LuckyOnce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I get it. I so, so get it. I will say, though, that in my experience (way, way too much experience) every pregnancy is so different. I had mega symptoms with one of the m/c and very few with two of them. I can't remember how early my symptoms started with D because I wasn't looking for them at the time. Oh blissful ignorance...

Hoping that the next week goes by quickly.

(hugs)
-K