Saturday, August 29, 2009

I'm having a rough morning.

B-dog had an accident last night. It's the first time since she went into remission that she's had one when I was here. (She occasionally does when we're out of town- it's an anxiety reaction.)

This morning, she didn't want to eat her breakfast. I convinced her to eat the cottage cheese that was in there (it had her meds in it) but she didn't finish the dog food. However, she's not food adverse. She's perfectly happy to eat treats or have some of my scrambled eggs.

She does not seem to be feeling unwell other than that- she hasn't expressed any discomfort or pain. But it just is reminding me that her time is probably soon. I've been crying on and off for the last few hours. (M-dog hates when I cry, so it always helps a bit that he runs right up to me and starts licking my tears away. LOL)

I just don't know what the right thing to do is. People tell me that I'll know when it's time. And rationally I know that is true. The vet told me that the illness would likely progress similarly to how it did before, so I know what I'm looking for. The accidents were part of it (and she has only had one... I need to see how the next week or so goes) but the big thing is to watch her joints. She had begun to be very ginger going up and down the stairs... that will be the sign that she is starting to have pain.

But it's still hard. Dogs are so stoic about pain, I worry that she is having discomfort and not letting us know. I also have the overwhelming sense of dread for that day that we will have to make the decision and the process of putting her to sleep.

I was doing a little research this morning on vets who come to your home to put a pet to sleep. I'm pretty sure that's the option I want to take, though it may be more expensive. But after all the money we've spent on her treatments... what's another couple hundred to make sure she's comfortable on her last day? Anyway, that research is what got the tears started. Then I just couldn't stop. Poor III. He doesn't know what to do with me when I get like that.

I am definitely grieving today. She is still here, and just yesterday afternoon she was going after 'bunnies' (never sure if they are really out there or if it's wishful thinking on her part) in the backyard... I find myself trying to soak up every moment... every sensation. But the anticipation of the loss is already starting the breaking of my heart.

I don't know what to do with these feelings. I feel like a crazy dog lady. This is possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... I feel like some people would say "May you be so lucky!" But the place that B holds in my heart... it's inexplicable. It can't be compared to anything or anyone else.

3 comments:

meinsideout said...

((HUGS))

I had to put my cat Sophie to sleep two and a half years ago. It was such a hard process - but I did know when it was time and so will you. I still cry when I think of her and it was truly one of the most horrible moments/times of my life.

The in-home option sounds like a good option. I really feel for you.

c by the sea said...

:(

i also think it's worth having someone come to the house when the time comes. that saves B-dog the anxiety of going in the car and being at the vet. she should be in her home.

i'm so sad for you :(

Katie said...

The amount of love we have for our pets is so immense and so real. I am hurting for you during this difficult time.