Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Deep breath.

I enjoyed seeing my parents, but to be honest 8 days of them living with us was a little much. I'm exhausted. It's such a mix bag living where we live. I absolutely love it here, but we are far from our families. Which means visits are often extended and filled with high energy and feelings. Tiring. Plus, as my parents get older, I worry more and more that each goodbye from a visit will be the last. They are not specifically unhealthy, but both are overweight and have just ventured into their sixties.

I did end up telling them somewhat about the infertility stuff. I had to go for u/s and b/w on Thursday, Saturday and Monday so I pretty much had to. It started out in the car, early in the week. My dad asked me if we had any plans to have kids. I said "Haven't we already had this conversation?" and my mom said "Yes, we have." My dad just didn't remember. I reminded them that it had been almost a year ago that we spoke about it.

After I got the call Thursday from the clinic, I told them I'd have to go back on Saturday again, and that it was for the "fertility stuff". That I had to have blood taken because they were checking my hormone levels. (Which is true... just not the whole story.) They asked a few questions, and honestly, I was a little evasive. I told them that I just didn't really want to talk about it a lot. It's hard to know whether they would ask more questions or fewer questions if I told them more, but I do know the more my mom knows, the more she worries.

With what they knew, they still talked a lot about when I had babies and asked a lot of questions. My mom wanted to know if there was a higher chance that we would have twins, and then told me not to buy two cribs because she knew someone who's twins always sleep together. My dad wanted to know if it was a boy whether we'd have a bris. My sister, who has a one year old, came up and I told them it was likely that we would do things very differently from her. For example, she told EVERYONE that she was pregnant around 7 weeks. My dad said "What, do most people wait until after the first trimester?" When I said yes, he said "Well, I hope you'd tell us before that." I said "I haven't decided whether I would." Geez. It's not really your say when I feel comfortable telling you if I'm pregnant! I know they are very anxious for us to have a baby, and so they ask and comment... I just feel like, knowing my parents, if they knew all the details, they'd just ask and ask and ask. I feel bad sometimes, because I know they think I'm too private with them. But their questions and comments are uncomfortable for me. So I guess I choose to be private with them.

It's interesting... when I visited with my roommate, we were chatting about that. I was telling her that my friends see me as someone who will say anything, but my family thinks I'm the "private" one and a bit of a prude. She told me that, living with me, she always felt I was extroverted, but still one of the most private people she knew. I actually took that as quite a compliment. I think it's good to keep some things private! But it doesn't mean you can't be friendly.

So my cycle is coming to it's climax, if I may call it that. They have slowly decreased my dosages since Thursday, and last night I took only one meno.pur. Tonight I take the ova.dril and my ER is on Thursday. Based on my first experience, assuming that the ICSI is successful, that would mean an ET on Sunday. I have responded very well to the stims, and at my u/s yesterday I had 25 follicles that were 14+ and some additional 12s and 13s. So hopefully we'll get plenty of embryos and be able to freeze some.

Being the math geek that I am, while I was laying on the table getting my u/s (with all those follicles, it literally took about 15 minutes) I was figuring out how many eggs they might get... last time I had 27 follicles and they got 17 eggs... that's about 65%. So if I have about 30 follicles, that could result in approximately 18-19 eggs. I believe ICSI has around a 70% fertilization rate, so if that is true, that gives us around 13 embryos. I know this isn't anything definite... you never know how it will come out (as clearly illustrated by my first round of IVF), and even if we get that many, it doesn't mean we will have that many to freeze, but I just can't help doing the numbers in my head...

For a complete change of subject....

I take B to the vet today for a lymph node check. I'm sad to say that they have barely changed size. Earlier in the week, I felt like they were definitely shrinking, but they stopped and perhaps even started growing again. While she is still running around and behaving the way she always does, III feels like she is sleeping more, and I can almost hear the clock ticking to the day when we have to make the decision to let her go. The anticipation is tearing me up (that's always been the worst part of my anxiety) while I try to take advantage of every day- every kiss, every cuddle, every game of fetch... I don't know what I'll do when she's gone. I wish I could keep her with me forever.

In about a week and a half, KB and I head off for a Caribbean vacation for four days. I had been looking forward to it, but right now I'm not super excited. I'm anxious to leave B-dog. I feel like I've barely seen my husband, because of my parents being here... I just am feeling very attached to home and it makes me anxious about leaving for even that short time.

Plus, it means my summer will be coming to an end!!! I don't start school until September... but I can't believe it is already August. Not only have I not done much of what I planned, but the weather has not been very summery around here most days. I haven't even been to the beach yet. :(

Sorry this is so long, but I don't think I've even covered everything I wanted to catch up on! But now I'm off to catch up on some others' blogs. :)


c by the sea said...

yay for lots of follies! now that they know they have to ICSI your eggs, i KNOW you will have plenty of great embies! i am hoping for you :)

Katie said...

Thinking about you a lot during the "climax" of your cycle and prying THIS is THE ONE!!!!!!!

Jess said...

13 embryos, that is wonderful, I hope your math is correct! I would love to see you have a baby or two (don't know how many you plan on implanting) and some snow bubs. I really hope this is your cycle. I want this pain to be over for you and I want you to have your baby.

As for telling people, that is a hard one. G and I plan on waiting until the 2nd trimester before we share. It is such a hard decision.

G never had a SA done. We are going to talk to my doc about it if I get a BFN this cycle. He says it is a waste of money but I don't care...we want to know!