Spoiling my sisters' children.

My infertility vs. my relationship with the children of those I love is an interesting thing. There are definitely some feelings of jealousy there. I want my own. But I love kids, and I especially love the kids of those who I love.

So I spoil them.

My sister's son is going to be two this month. I just went online (they live across the country) and bought him a truckload of art supplies. Easel, paints, crayons, markers... It all added up, but hell. If I don't spoil him right now, who am I gonna spoil?

KB is not officially my sister, but she might as well be. I am closer to her than to any other woman on this earth... even my biological sister. So I spoil her babies too. I have made Miss M so many gifts- a personalized quilt, a doll, ribbon barrettes, and most recently a cutie patootie jumper for her third birthday. KB doesn't know it yet, but for the last few months I've been working on knitting a Big Bad Baby Blanket for her son, who is due in May.

KB always tells me "I won't be able to reciprocate all of this when you have babies!" I tell her "I don't expect you to... and you better enjoy it now! I won't have time to do all of this when I have my own babies!"

Things I'm annoyed about today

1. Peanut was a pain this morning, so I ended up getting up at 6am with her. After III woke up, I went back to bed. I slept until 11. But I feel like my morning was totally wasted, and I'm still tired!
2. I signed up for this kind of correspondence course to review pre-calc over the summer. I've procrastinated, though, so now I need to get on the ball to get it done by the completion date. Except, they seem to have taken off of their website when the completion date is! Plus, I'm having trouble finding the first DVD I need in my house.
3. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but about a month ago, III lost his wedding ring. He has been thinking there was a possibility it was in his friend's squad car- that it had rolled under the gun safe. He went today to take the safe out to see... and it was no luck. I'm very bummed. It's insured, but that was the ring I put on his finger. I know it's just a symbol, but I'm sentimental...
4. Months and months ago I bought tickets to take III to see The L.ion K.ing, in hopes that he could at least somewhere share my love of musicals. Long story short, he told me last week that he's not going because of work. I am not happy about this and not likely to get over it soon.
5. Finally, I got my period today. Yay! Except... because it's a Saturday, the nurses at the clinic are whoever is on call. So they are calling in my b/c rx... except I hated being on Ap.ri, so the PA wrote me a rx for Lev.ora instead the last time. Apparently, she never put it into my electronic records so the nurse today didn't have any record of it. So it looks like I'm taking Ap.ri again, since I don't want to wait til Monday to figure it all out because those two days would push me back a week. So watch out world... here comes the crazy bitch...
   
   
   

I apologize in advance for this totally lame post...

One of the things that has bothered me in the past about ICLW is when I try to comment on blogs and people who have signed up don't post all week.

But here I am, not great about posting this ICLW week.

I have a whole story about something that happened with III this week, but I just don't have the energy right now.

So I thought I'd link to some important me stuff from past posts for anyone who is interested.

The story of my best girl.

The worst week of my life- when I lost my hard fought pregnancy and my sweet girl.

How I met my DH.

All about anxiety.

The long explanation of our whole chromosomal thingy.

So there are a couple for now... :)

Oh, and I want to add a shout out for The R House blog and Mrs. R's giveaway. :) If you've ever considered adopting, you must check out her blog- amazing family with an amazing story- and amazing adoption advocates!

Retail Therapy.... again....

I'm not a big shopper. And when I say that, I mean I don't like to go to the mall and walk around trying on clothes 'til I find the right thing(s).

But the internet... it brings shopping to a whole new level.

In addition, for a long time I had to pinch my pennies so tightly that I rarely bought something just because I loved it. And when I did... it was books, not clothes.

Since we've been dealing with the shitty stuff in the last six months or so, I find myself indulging in retail therapy when I feel disappointed. (And I'm lucky that, as long as it's not a very regular practice, we can afford it...)This week was a disappointment... so I splurged on something I've had my eye on for months... It's handmade, and being shipped from S. America, so it's pretty pricey (at least for me)... but I did it. In fact, I ordered it custom so that it would be just right.

So without further ado....I can't wait to get it. It will be perfect for those bad days when I just want to bundle up and hide from the world, but have to go out in spite of that.

WTF!!!

For real.

I went for my appointment today. I got there at 4, because I thought that's when my appointment was. Turns out it was at 4:15. No biggie.

Until it was 4:45.

And then 4:50.

And then 4:55.

They finally came to get me at 5. For an appointment that literally lasted FOUR MINUTES!!!!

ARGH!!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am overall pleased with my clinic, and I like Dr. Z. But it PISSES ME OFF when that happens. I can do ten minutes. Twenty even. But for real? It's not like I have anywhere better to be????

Peanut has been running around like a freaking tazmanian devil since I got home. That's what happens when she's left in her crate for 10+ hours. Thanks, Dr. Z. III says next time I should take her with me and they can deal with her.

Anyway.

In my four minute appointment, Dr. Z said it is unlikely that my beta will rise*, but that we can start a new cycle as soon as I get my period. He also brought up the subject of transferring three embryos again. I asked if we would take my 'implantation history' into consideration when making the decision, and he said yes. I told him I had to talk to III about it, but unless he's totally against it, I'm going to go for it.

So beta is tomorrow morning. Full disclosure- I'm writing this with a glass of cabernet at my side. My positive HPT --> negative HPT --> low beta has be pretty convinced that this cycle is over. Once I get the official word tomorrow, I can stop all meds and hopefully my period will come quickly so we can get this show back on the road.

*I did not mention to Dr. Z nor to the nurses that I took the HPTs on my vacation. Why is that we feel shamed by this? The nurse at my transfer strongly encouraged me NOT to take one, so I have been hesitant to tell them I did. Even though that likely shows that I had a 50+ HCG level on Tuesday, which means it has already dropped....

My shit.

I walked into my clinic yesterday, signed in for my blood test, and turned to find a seat in the waiting room.

Only to be faced with what most of us probably dread.

A familiar face at the RE office.

N and I worked together a few years ago. Feelings at my school about him were mixed, but I liked him a lot. I also really liked his wife. So much, that a year or so later when I decided to brave acupuncture, I called her. (As she's an acupuncturist.)

So anyway. We chatted for a bit. About non IF stuff initially. Then I got called back for my draw, and when I returned he asked me about where we were at in our cycle. I told him the whole history... We didn't get to where they're at- his wife must have been having a procedure (maybe an ER?) and he got called back.

So... awkward. That feeling of nervousness about having to "come out" to a new person. Followed by a feeling of camaraderie, because- hey. They're clearly in the room for the same reason. Quickly followed by that kick in the gut- shit. Not them too.

I've contemplated emailing his wife. To say hello. To commiserate. To talk to someone who is 'in the trenches'; someone IRL who really gets it.

But I haven't. Why not?

Well there are two reasons. One is petty and easy to get past. The other.... well, it is paralyzing me.

#1- I stopped seeing her as my acupuncturist. First because I stopped having acupuncture, but I've recently started going again and didn't go back to her. Not because I didn't like her or she didn't do a good job- but just because of distance. I purposely chose an acupuncturist this time who's office is literally five minutes away from my house. So I feel some guilt about not going to her anymore... but I'm sure she'd understand.

But there's still #2.

She was there for a procedure. While it could be a laparoscopy or a hystoscopy or some other scopy, it's very possibly an egg retrieval.

What if it works?

Don't get me wrong- if it does, well, hell. Yay for them! It's just that I feel so alone in this process. And every time another someone who "got it" gets pregnant... it just highlights that, yes. I am alone in this. No one else is exactly where I am, right now. No one else has been through the exact same process I have been. I'm not trying to compare- I'm not saying "Well, my shit has been worse than her shit." But... my shit is my shit, and nobody else can totally get that.

I participated in Creme de la Creme... and I especially loved this post. Yes. Exactly. Once you cross over to 'that side'... well, your on that side. And I'm still over here. Going through all of my shit.

a cranky ICLW- good idea?

I signed up for ICLW again... I think this is my third one. But, if the rest of the week is anything like today, it's going to be a cranky one. Sorry to any new people reading from ICLW. Maybe bad timing on my part...

If you want to get my whole history, you can find it here. Here's the breakdown in numerical (but not chronological) order*:

28 months ttc
18 months working with Dr. Z (RE)
7 medicated cycles
5 negative betas
4 IUIs
2 IVFs
2 chemical pregnancies
1 rescue ICSI
1 ICSI IVF
1 positive beta
1 missed miscarriage (8w)
1 inverted chromosome (DH's #2)
1 FET (with PGD on thawed embryos)

Finishing up our failed FET (one of the two chem pregs) and waiting for the next step... Hopefully a fresh ICSI/PGD/IVF is going to be the silver bullet for us....

*those numbers are inclusive, so my 4 IUIs are part of my 7 medicated cycles, and my ICSI IVF was included in my 2 IVFs count...

The results are in...

My beta was 11.6. I am 14dp5dt. Yeah. I'd rather have a negative at this point.

I have to go back for another beta on Wednesday. The nurse, who is not my regular nurse since it's Sunday, was explaining how they like to see it double... I had to explain to her that I was two weeks past my transfer so it probably wasn't going to.

Annoying. I hate knowing I was briefly pregnant, but couldn't make it stick. *sigh*

To all the ICLWers- sorry for the bummer intro. I'll be back with a better one later...

Negative EPT tonight.

Official blood test tomorrow. Looks like we're back to the drawing board...

Funny.

I don't know how that post got sent twice or why the second sent that random pic. See the birdie? Random. LOL

Not dark...

...but there... not sure how optimistic to feel...

Not dark...

...but definitely there...not sure how optimistic to feel...

9dp5dt

Thanks to all who commented yesterday. I have taken prog before and gotten my period while taking it, I just haven't experienced taking it with estrogen.

Today was the day I was supposed to have beta #1. I haven't had anymore spotting, but have had a bit of cramping. I broke down and took an HPT yesterdy and got a very faint pos. No rejoicing here yet, having experienced both a chem preg and a m/c. I will probably end up taking one again tmw. Even if it's pos, I'm holding steady at 'skeptical' until I get my official numbers on Sunday.

I hate this part!

What to expect

I'm irritated because I already typed this all up and then lost it...

I'm 8dp5dt- no symptoms at all plus a little pink spotting this morning. Dr Z has me on both forms of estrogen until after my beta... so does anyone know when I'd expect my period? At the regularly scheduled time, or will the estrogen make it so I don't get it?

I bought some HPTs and brought them on vacation with us but don't know if I want to use them. I'll worried about getting a + and then having it end up being a chem preg. I also don't want a - to ruin our vacation. I just hate the waiting...

The rundown...

My doctor suggests drinking 6 to 8 ounces of water before my appointment so that I'm "full but not desperate". I brought a bottle of water in the car. When I first got there I was doing okay. After 45 minutes, when we hadn't yet heard anything I decided to go to the bathroom, though I didn't "empty". After we had been there for an hour, a nurse finally came out and told us that the PGD results from the lab were not in yet. She said they generally get there by noon and it was about a quarter after. She suggested I pee, and told us she'd be back as soon as they got something.

Twenty minutes later I peed again. I figured there was no way of knowing how long we'd be sitting there, and once we got back to surgery it would be about fifteen minutes anyway, so I'd just keep drinking my water and peeing when I had to.

A full hour and a half after my appointment they finally came and got me. We still didn't know if we had anything to transfer. Not until she told me to get changed and said the doctor would talk to me when I was finished- I figured they wouldn't have me put on a gown if there was nothing to transfer!

Of the nine embryos thawed, seven survived to biopsy. Two of those did not progress after biopsy. Of the five remaining, two were abnormal (one w/down syndrome). Of the three that appeared to be normal, one was a day 5 blastocyst and two were day 5 morulas. Dr. Z was in the surgery that day- its the first time he's done any of my procedures! He gave us the option of transferring the blast and one morula, then seeing if the other morula progressed enough to be frozen, transferring only the blast with the potential of freezing both morulas, or transferring all three. I asked him if, considering my history (chem preg with 1st 2 emb IVF and one implantation with 2nd 2 emb IVF) combined with what we now know about what my insurance requires, if it was reasonable to transfer all three. He said it was certainly not “too crazy”, as long as we were aware of the “risk” (meaning a multiple pregnancy).

So we did. Unlike the last time, III decided to come into the OR with me. (We went to a bball game for his alma mater yesterday, and they squeaked out a win, just like they did last year when we went. I told him he was good luck for them, and so he told me he figured he should come in with me just in case he could be a good luck charm for us too.)

They took a photo of the embryos for us, as usual. By the time they took the photo of the embryos, one of the morulas had already progressed to an early blastocyst! The transfer went well and easily.

They wanted me to have my beta on the 16th- I was very surprised! I didn't think it would be that early. But we're going to be out of town from the 13th to the 21st, so the beta will have to wait until the 22nd. At least it's likely to be all or nothing at that point. And I'd guess that if it's going to be negative I'll have already had some warning (spotting or maybe even my period).

I've been going to acupuncture for my mood and energy and it's really be helping. She has obviously been focusing on the fertility stuff too, and today she came in special on a Sunday since I had my transfer. She's feeling very optimistic and excited for me.

So I'm feeling more hopeful than I have in a long time, and to be honest that hope scares me. This whole thing has been such a mess... the idea that it could actually work this time just seems too far out of reach...

hopefully worth the wait

7 survived thaw, two abnormal, two didn't progress. We transferred the remaining three. More details later...

the wait is killing me

We've been sitting in the lobby of my re for almost an hour and a half. 30 min ago a nurse came out and told us they haven't received the PGD results from the lab in Detroit but it should be soon. Screw the full bladder- I've now peed three times. Not feeling at all optimistic. What a potential waste of a morning...

Color me cynical...

I don't expect to have anything to transfer tomorrow. We've been on the wrong end of the statistics from day one... and now there aren't even any statistics to really go by. After living through the "None of your seventeen eggs fertilized" and the 'heartbeat-at-seven-weeks-no-heartbeat-at-eight-weeks'... well, I just am not expecting positive results. Nine frozen embryos... seems like SOMETHING should make it. But they have to survive a thaw AND a biopsy and THEN they have to be normal. I read that 50% of the average couple's embryos are not genetically normal. And we're not the average couple. Even throwing aside all of the shitty luck experiences we've already had, we now know about the inversion.

So in fourteen hours I go to the clinic to find out what happens next. And I just don't have high hopes. Actually, I don't have any hopes. I'm numb. I have no expectations. We bought a box-o-wine tonight. (Don't judge me. It's actually a high class box o' wine. It was even at our wine expo!) It is the equivalent of four boxes of wine. III was like "But after 'the thing' tomorrow you probably won't drink, and I can't drink four bottles in a week (we're going on vacation in a week) myself." But... I had him buy it. Whatever. I'm not optimistic that there will be reason to stop the wine.

And even if there is... I don't feel like I'll be sweating bullets this two week wait. Luckily, we're going on vacation for a week, so that will help even if I was. But, again, my expectations are so low nonexistent that I can't imagine it will be all that hard.

I'm actually not at all sure what to expect from this cycle symptom wise. I'm used to being bloated and uncomfortable post-ER. I've been taking progesterone (had to switch from endometrin to something else because of my insurance, but whatever...) and am not really feeling anything. The headaches I was getting from the estrogen have gone away, so now I just feel normal. I've even lost two pounds (though that might be from my cold which is leaving me with a poor appetite).

So anyway. I guess I'm expecting the worst, but obviously hoping for the best. The best, IMO, would be two beautiful blasts to transfer, but none to freeze. I don't want our next cycle to be a frozen one. Bring on the bravelle. Bring on the swollen follicles and the bloat. If it gives us more of a chance of walking away with our baby before I turn 36 (as I have very low expectations of a due date when I am still 34...) I'm all about it.

u/s and bloodwork yesterday-- everything looks good. My progesterone was only at 0.337 (good- meaning I didn't ovulate) and my lining was over 7mm.

Sooooo. I'm feeling a little numb about the whole thing, I think as self preservation in case we end up with nothing to transfer. I have so much anxiety about the whole thing, regardless of the outcome. If none of them survive the thaw, I'll be disappointed and we wasted another month. If they survive the thaw but are not normal, ditto to the last comment plus it will cause me anxiety about whether we can produce normal embryos. If we get some good ones to transfer, I have the anxiety of the 2ww. Even if I get a positive beta... well, we all know how it goes. Especially since all the forms and phone calls I've had with the lab pounds into my head that a good test result doesn't guarantee an embryo without chromosomal issues. I know they have to say that, but... ugh.

Not feeling well today. Another cold is coming on. Still missing my B-dog like I'd miss a limb, if you can believe that. III's bday is Friday and I seem to have lost my gift-giving mo-jo and am scrambling a bit...

I think I'm ready for this week to be over...

Tough love

All the stuff going on in our life right now has had me a little worried about the state of our marriage.

It's not like I'm concerned that III is "stepping out" on me or anything... But I've seen others who's marriages have fallen apart, and it seems to often come from the "build up" of things that are poorly or inadequately addressed.

III and I deal with stress in completely opposite ways. III withdraws. He gets quiet (and often a bit cranky) and buries himself in work, exercise and video games. I, on the other hand, reach out. I want to be hugged. I want to be reassured. I want to curl up under a blanket and have someone stroke my hair.

So when we are both dealing with the stress of, say, a family member who needs a heart transplant, or, for example, an upcoming frozen IVF transfer that will likely not work, we hit a conflict. I feel like III is ignoring me when I need attention the most. III feels like I'm being clingy and demanding when he just wants to retreat within his head.

The hardest part? He still wants to have sex. He hasn't touched me for three days, but now he wants me to make love to him? And it's not even like we crawl into bed and he rolls over and starts something. He just takes all of his clothes off and lays on the bed and says "Let's go." And that? Doesn't really get me in the mood...

So this weekend it kind of came to a head. I knew we had to talk about it... but to be honest I was feeling a little resentful that I always have to be the one to bring it up!

But I did. I told III that I was worried about us. I told him that he didn't seem to want to be near me- to touch me. I told him that I couldn't remember the last time he told me he loved me (with the exception of the auto-I-love-you when getting off the phone). I told him that I wasn't feeling pretty or desirable or even good at anything lately. Oh, and I cried. Of course. I'm a crier.

He felt bad. He told me that of course he loves me. That he thinks there are lots of things I'm good at, and that, while when I was sitting there crying I probably didn't look my best, I was still pretty, and in fact had looked very pretty two nights earlier when we went on a double date with friends. He has made an effort over the last two days to be more affectionate. (Funny story- last night he was trying to be nice and cuddle me without it leading anywhere... but he got turned on. He was like "I can't help it!" We laughed about it... it could be worse, I guess...)

As we said good night last night, I told him "I love you so much, I just wish things could always be good." But I guess they can't be always good... and they're okay for now.