Saturday, February 6, 2010

Color me cynical...

I don't expect to have anything to transfer tomorrow. We've been on the wrong end of the statistics from day one... and now there aren't even any statistics to really go by. After living through the "None of your seventeen eggs fertilized" and the 'heartbeat-at-seven-weeks-no-heartbeat-at-eight-weeks'... well, I just am not expecting positive results. Nine frozen embryos... seems like SOMETHING should make it. But they have to survive a thaw AND a biopsy and THEN they have to be normal. I read that 50% of the average couple's embryos are not genetically normal. And we're not the average couple. Even throwing aside all of the shitty luck experiences we've already had, we now know about the inversion.

So in fourteen hours I go to the clinic to find out what happens next. And I just don't have high hopes. Actually, I don't have any hopes. I'm numb. I have no expectations. We bought a box-o-wine tonight. (Don't judge me. It's actually a high class box o' wine. It was even at our wine expo!) It is the equivalent of four boxes of wine. III was like "But after 'the thing' tomorrow you probably won't drink, and I can't drink four bottles in a week (we're going on vacation in a week) myself." But... I had him buy it. Whatever. I'm not optimistic that there will be reason to stop the wine.

And even if there is... I don't feel like I'll be sweating bullets this two week wait. Luckily, we're going on vacation for a week, so that will help even if I was. But, again, my expectations are so low nonexistent that I can't imagine it will be all that hard.

I'm actually not at all sure what to expect from this cycle symptom wise. I'm used to being bloated and uncomfortable post-ER. I've been taking progesterone (had to switch from endometrin to something else because of my insurance, but whatever...) and am not really feeling anything. The headaches I was getting from the estrogen have gone away, so now I just feel normal. I've even lost two pounds (though that might be from my cold which is leaving me with a poor appetite).

So anyway. I guess I'm expecting the worst, but obviously hoping for the best. The best, IMO, would be two beautiful blasts to transfer, but none to freeze. I don't want our next cycle to be a frozen one. Bring on the bravelle. Bring on the swollen follicles and the bloat. If it gives us more of a chance of walking away with our baby before I turn 36 (as I have very low expectations of a due date when I am still 34...) I'm all about it.

1 comment:

just me, dawn said...

praying for you and some positive results.