Monday, February 22, 2010

My shit.

I walked into my clinic yesterday, signed in for my blood test, and turned to find a seat in the waiting room.

Only to be faced with what most of us probably dread.

A familiar face at the RE office.

N and I worked together a few years ago. Feelings at my school about him were mixed, but I liked him a lot. I also really liked his wife. So much, that a year or so later when I decided to brave acupuncture, I called her. (As she's an acupuncturist.)

So anyway. We chatted for a bit. About non IF stuff initially. Then I got called back for my draw, and when I returned he asked me about where we were at in our cycle. I told him the whole history... We didn't get to where they're at- his wife must have been having a procedure (maybe an ER?) and he got called back.

So... awkward. That feeling of nervousness about having to "come out" to a new person. Followed by a feeling of camaraderie, because- hey. They're clearly in the room for the same reason. Quickly followed by that kick in the gut- shit. Not them too.

I've contemplated emailing his wife. To say hello. To commiserate. To talk to someone who is 'in the trenches'; someone IRL who really gets it.

But I haven't. Why not?

Well there are two reasons. One is petty and easy to get past. The other.... well, it is paralyzing me.

#1- I stopped seeing her as my acupuncturist. First because I stopped having acupuncture, but I've recently started going again and didn't go back to her. Not because I didn't like her or she didn't do a good job- but just because of distance. I purposely chose an acupuncturist this time who's office is literally five minutes away from my house. So I feel some guilt about not going to her anymore... but I'm sure she'd understand.

But there's still #2.

She was there for a procedure. While it could be a laparoscopy or a hystoscopy or some other scopy, it's very possibly an egg retrieval.

What if it works?

Don't get me wrong- if it does, well, hell. Yay for them! It's just that I feel so alone in this process. And every time another someone who "got it" gets pregnant... it just highlights that, yes. I am alone in this. No one else is exactly where I am, right now. No one else has been through the exact same process I have been. I'm not trying to compare- I'm not saying "Well, my shit has been worse than her shit." But... my shit is my shit, and nobody else can totally get that.

I participated in Creme de la Creme... and I especially loved this post. Yes. Exactly. Once you cross over to 'that side'... well, your on that side. And I'm still over here. Going through all of my shit.


Baby bump bound said...

Hi de-lurking to offer some empathy. I just wrote a similar post about my only infertile friend IRL getting pregnant... Naturally after 4 failed IVFs and numerous IUIs. I'm like u- I'm on the other side too. I'm in too deep and have invested years and many o'tears. It's a fine line with infertility- we feel isolated and are often times alone on our journey and when we find solace and comfort amongst infertiles we know that the commraderie is time sensitive and could change at any moment- I wrote "with a positve, a negative is sure to follow..." I've watched many of infertiles pass to the other side and I hope some day you and I see each other on the other side too!!!!!

Stefanie said...

IF is such a lonely road. It's never easy to face anyone and come out with what we're dealing with.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope everything works out well for you

Stopping by for ICLW

Fran said...

Hi my friend, thanks for stopping by my blog on ICLW week, I came over to return the favour and even though "my shit" is not like "your shit" I still feel very close to you and decided to keep a close eye on you! I'm your latest follower! And mind you, I'm a very good cycle buddy to have! I completely understand your feelings on what to do about your friend and his wife. For the moment I won't call her or email her. You just have to look after yourself. I look forward to reading about your WTF review, mine went well, I RE like yours thiks that it's just a matter of time before will get the sticky one in the right place! Love, Fran

Suzanne said...

Thanks for stopping by to visit my blog during ICLW week! I may give acupuncture a try. I have a girlfriend who swears by it. I understand how you feel. If you don't feel like calling her, then don't.

Heather said...

Yikes! That is my worst fear--seeing a familiar face at the REs office. Luckily since I cycle
3000 miles away from home, so it's not likely to happen.

I just wrote a post kind of similar to this--about infertility being subdivided into two sections, the newbies and the vets. Unfortunately I am a vet, so I get where you are coming from. Now that I've failed at this twice I do feel more alone than ever.

Take care.

Catrisha T said...

I know none of us are in the same place in our IF journey, but many times we feel in the same place that you just wrote about. I too just wrote an entry something similar to this a week or so ago. I was serving me up a pity party for one. It's humbling and helpful to know that we're not alone at times.... even though we're at different places with "our shit."


Anonymous said...

ICLW - My 2 cents? Email her. Just to say hello and let her know you saw her husband - that you hope all is well. Sometimes reaching out is so hard to do - and then the moment is lost and you end up regretting it. I'll doubt she'll care about why you stopped seeing her professionally, I'm sure she has other things on her mind....