Friday, January 9, 2009

She loves me best.

I think I am unnaturally attached to my dog.

I got B-dog during the same time I needed that last secret blog. I had been in such a slump- a don't-want-to-get-out-of-bed-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-desperately-need-my-weekly-therapy slump. I had looked into doing an apartment swap in some other part of the country or world, and I almost had one in Greece, but my best friend was getting married and so I decided to stay home. So I got a dog instead.

I had always wanted a dog, but my parents are not animal lovers (and my mom has tons of allergies). I don't know where I hatched from. Instead of having an imaginary friend, I had imaginary pets. A menagerie even. Every time we went past a pet store with the puppies in the window, or to a friend or family member who's dog had puppies, I cried and cried. Then I was in college, living in the dorms, then I was dead broke, then I lived in apartments with landlords who didn't allow dogs... finally, at 27 I bought my own place. A year later, I adopted B-dog from a rescue.

As I said, I was in a shitty, shitty place when I got her. And she had her own problems- used as a puppy-factory and kept outside all of the time, she was taken from the only "home" she'd known (and from the other dog she lived with and had been bred with). She had severe separation anxiety and was a lot of work in the beginning.

But she's a love. She's still an anxious pup, but she's mine and we're very, very attached. She loves everyone, but I'm hers. She loves my husband and prefers him for play time and belly rubs, but if she needs a cuddle or if she's feeling anxious or upset, it's my feet she comes to sit on.

She's 8 1/2 now, which for a large dog is getting up there. She recently has been having some sort of kidney problem, which the vets have yet to figure out. In the last month of so, I've really noticed her slowing down- she is walking more gingerly and seems to be much stiffer. I don't know if old age is catching up with her, if the cold weather is getting to her, or if there is something seriously wrong. She was still running around like a puppy this summer. But it breaks my heart to know that she will not always be with me. I have as much anxiety (if not more) around her health as I do around my own!

Is it normal to be this attached to a dog? I have another dog (M-dog) and I love him and cried like a baby when I thought he was seriously ill, but it's still not the same as with B-dog. She's my best friend, as cliched as that is. She loves me more than anyone loves me. A friend once told me that a friend of hers talked about her late pet as her "doggy soul mate" and B-dog is definitely that for me.

I have this desire to believe in reincarnation (I'm sure that will come up again at some point here) and I desperately hope that, not only will I see my husband and my best friend (BFF) in future lives, but that B-dog will be there with me too.

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