Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Hope and change

III makes fun of the whole "hope and change" message that has been so focused on during this election. Granted, he's pretty cynical. And he's a LEO (law enforcement officer) working directly with criminals, so he sees the worst side of humanity. And he's a non-democrat. (5 years ago, he probably would have identified as a republican, and though I believe he's still registered as such, I think he'd identify more as a moderate.)

I want to hope. I want to believe there can be change. But I don't want to be a naif. Is it unrealistic to believe that, with as difficult as things currently are, that Obama can usher in change? (I say "usher in" because I am not so naive that I believe that Obama himself can make all of the necessary changes.)

I've been thinking a lot about hope lately, Is it better to be hopeful and find yourself disappointed, or better to be doubting but go around in a fairly constant state of negativity and possible despair? I don't know the answer.

I had an ultrasound today to determine whether my follicles are ready for ovulation trigger. So that means sometime this week we will have 2 IUIs in hopes of getting pregnant. The first month, even though realistically I knew I may not get pregnant, I was hopeful. I saw my doctor a week after my IUI and he told me that, while he couldn't guarantee I would get pregnant, my numbers (size of follicles, Estradiol levels) were exactly what they should look like when someone does get pregnant. That made me even more hopeful. The day before my blood test, I took an HPT. Then the next morning I had a blood test. Needless to say, they were both negative. Though we'd been trying for over a year at that point, that was the first time that I was disappointed enough that I got a pit in my stomach. Disappointed enough that I cried when I went to bed that night. That sucked.

Last month we did the meds but not the IUI- it was Christmas and we were away during the days we would have needed to do the procedure. I was less hopeful- the timing of the trigger wasn't great and the chances without IUI are obviously less. But I felt pretty bummed out for the full two week wait- not as bad as the previous month with my dashed hopes, but for longer.

So I don't know what's best- keep my chin up and hope for the desired outcome? Assume that the outcome won't be what I want and then I'll be pleasantly surprised when I do get pregnant?

(During the time it has taken me to write this- its been a lot of stop and go- my lab results have gone up online. I only have one measurable follicle on my left side, but 5-10 smaller follicles on my right... But my estradiol is higher than it was the first month, so I'm guessing they'll have me trigger tonight. That is a bummer for 2 reasons- first of all, I only will have one egg. I know it only takes one, but considering my eggs haven't been super reliable for the last sixteen months.... second reason is my teaching schedule on Thursdays is not conducive to having a morning doctor's appointment. Ugh. And I feel like I've already missed so much school....)

As for our new president, I think I prefer to continue to give him the benefit of the doubt and be hopeful that he can help the country accomplish the goals he has set for us.

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